THIS WILL TEAR YOUR SOUL APART

Star Wars: Revelations looked better than this.

I love Hellraiser. Despite the fact that only two of the films are even worth watching (and only one of those is actually, y'know good). I've weathered the storm of shitty sequel, after shitty sequel, and the weird period where it went DTV and you could almost feel the non-Hellraiser related script straining to retroactively include Pinhead. I've seen all these sights and yet that trailer breaks my fucking heart.

There is some Troll 2-level thespianizing going on in that clip. Wow. I can't wait to watch this on Chiller at 4am.

I mean, say what you will about the tenets of Rob Zombie's Halloween remake. At least it had an ethos. This just seems to be some badly lit am-dram vision of Hellraiser made by people whose only knowledge of Hellraiser is through clips and stills. It's like a serious version of '***** Movie'

What the fuck?

Are we sure this isn't some College Humor short spoof or something? Holy crap. To call this amateur would be an insult to thousands of kids making youtube shorts with their webcams.

That trailer made me feel as if I have hooks piercing my eyeballs. Quick, Clive, finish THE SCARLET GOSPELS! It's the only thing that can ease the pain!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spike Marshall 

I love Hellraiser. Despite the fact that only two of the films are even worth watching (and only one of those is actually, y'know good). I've weathered the storm of shitty sequel, after shitty sequel, and the weird period where it went DTV and you could almost feel the non-Hellraiser related script straining to retroactively include Pinhead. I've seen all these sights and yet that trailer breaks my fucking heart.

I don't know, I think the first two films are awesome, surreal, disturbing, original horror. They stand out sharply in mind as top tier. The rest are garbage. Part III was an offense (DJ Cenobite! He's got the CDs in his head and, and look, camera-head cenobite! They're blowing up churches and cops!) and Part IV did that shitty thing that all horror series did in the nineties when they lost their way: space. Adam Scott shows up looking like he'll regret it in a decade once he finds some success but other than that, just dismal. The rest are not worth mentioning. At all. Looks like the trend continues. 

I find it interesting that a series with so much possibility, and so much unexplored mythology, struggles so mightily to remain even a bit interesting. Meanwhile Jason killing a dozen kids has been done a dozen times... half of them quite successfully. Strange. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by stelios 

What the fuck?

 

Are we sure this isn't some College Humor short spoof or something? Holy crap. To call this amateur would be an insult to thousands of kids making youtube shorts with their webcams.

Seriously, I'm still kind of getting used to Sebastian OB's sense of humour and so I was certain this was a shitty fan-video he'd found and was just jerking our chain. In fact raspy, chubby, Pinhead is hitting our cinemas in a few weeks time. I just don't get it, don't they want it to make money? Or did they film it super-cheap to try and ensure a baseline profit?

Wait, Adam Scott is in HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE?! Hmm, maybe it's time to revisit that one.

HELLRAISER 1 and 2 are unimpeachable. Possibly the genre's all-time best one-two punch.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackyShimSham 

I don't know, I think the first two films are awesome, surreal, disturbing, original horror. They stand out sharply in mind as top tier. The rest are garbage. Part III was an offense (DJ Cenobite! He's got the CDs in his head and, and look, camera-head cenobite! They're blowing up churches and cops!) and Part IV did that shitty thing that all horror series did in the nineties when they lost their way: space. Adam Scott shows up looking like he'll regret it in a decade once he finds some success but other than that, just dismal. The rest are not worth mentioning. At all. Looks like the trend continues. 

 

I find it interesting that a series with so much possibility, and so much unexplored mythology, struggles so mightily to remain even a bit interesting. Meanwhile Jason killing a dozen kids has been done a dozen times... half of them quite successfully. Strange. 

 

That's pretty much what I said. I think the original is the only legitimately good film in the series, and I think Hellbound is a fun, but dumb as a rock, follow up. Number 3 is an abomination, but the Hickox and Doug Bradley commentary track is my favourite thing ever.  Bloodlines is probably not as bad as it's reputation would lead you to think, Infero is a really fun Angel Heart riff which has so little to do with Hellraiser it's hilarious. Hellseeker, Deader, Hellworld are all just fucking horrible.

In fact the series seems to have a little Halloween thing going.

•  
• Great original
• inferior but still effective direct sequel
• bizarre, but fun, abberation from formula (Halloween 3/Inferno),
• a film which confuses mythology for actual content (Bloodlines/Curse of Michael Myers),
• and then a string of films desperately trying to find any kind of zeitgeist to latch onto. My personal favourite being WoW Hellraiser.

Holy shit, apparently the thing was shot in two weeks for a budget of $300,000.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spike Marshall 

 I just don't get it, don't they want it to make money? Or did they film it super-cheap to try and ensure a baseline profit?

 

They made this because they needed to make a movie to hold on to the franchise rights. The Weinsteins have been trying to do a proper Hellraiser reboot for years, but they are so insufferable to work with, directors keep dropping out. Apparently, the reboot is still happening, but Revelations was made solely so they could retain the rights in the interim. Judging from this trailer (and word I've heard from anyone unfortunate enough to have seen this) they should have pulled a Corman Fantastic Four and kept this in the vault. But maybe they had to release it as part of the rights agreement. 

Hell if the budget only was $300,000 they'd stand to make at least a marginal profit on the thing. Although it'd torpedo the perception of the franchise, although Hellraiser is kind of already the RMS Lusitania at this point.

I love how all that footage that was supposedly shot on a hand-held DV camera looks exactly like DV footage. My god...it's like Pinhead had made his way into my college video projects....if all my college video projects had been shitty "Hellraiser" fan-films.

Is there anything more creatively bankrupt than making a shitty, cheap movie just to hold onto the rights to something? Are there still contracts signed today that include this loophole?

Anyway, I was just about to ask about the full-on remake, which Clive himself was scripting at one point. But Sebastion answered me in advance.

Normally I might sympathize with Dimension in the sense that at least they see the value in holding on to the franchise, but when they put out something THIS BAD that sympathy evaporates. They deserve to lose the rights if they stoop to this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zak chase 

Is there anything more creatively bankrupt than making a shitty, cheap movie just to hold onto the rights to something? Are there still contracts signed today that include this loophole?

 

Ahem.

The only thing worse than that trailer is the knowledge that I'll have to watch this fucking movie when I do HELLRAISER for Franchise Me.

Hellraiser's next? Oh, Josh, I am so, so, sorry.

Not next, but soon. Too soon.

Don't forget, people...That was a Trailer, supposedly showing us the bits of the film that were deemed GOOD ENOUGH to get our asses in cinemas/ rent the damn movie...

Maybe Cenebites REALLY made this film.

It would explain a lot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshua Miller 

The only thing worse than that trailer is the knowledge that I'll have to watch this fucking movie when I do HELLRAISER for Franchise Me.

This trailer only makes me want to read the HELLRAISER Franchise Me even more! (I can only assume that watching this film will feel like getting pissed on after parts six through eight thoroughly kick your ass.) It'll make for great reading!

Having recently watched the 4 DTV Hellraisers (they're all on Netflix Instant) I can say that they're bad, but not without their entertainment merits. This thing is a whole nother level of bad. This looks unwatchable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sebastian OB 

Having recently watched the 4 DTV Hellraisers (they're all on Netflix Instant) I can say that they're bad, but not without their entertainment merits. This thing is a whole nother level of bad. This looks unwatchable.

Yeah the Hellraiser DTV films are almost hilariously incompetent at times. I still maintain Inferno is the best of them, despite having the least to actually do with Hellraiser. REALLY interested to hear your thoughts on them Josh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justin Clark 

Ahem.

You know, I realize the deals were made when Marvel was in (or just out of?) bankruptcy, but what the hell kind of modern lawyer would let a client sign away rights to anything "in perpetuity"?

It's like a weird variant on The Devil and Daniel Webster or something... hell, even the Brits were only able to get Hong Kong for 99 years.

Right, I knew about the Marvel one but figured that was signed off on a decade or more ago. I still want to assume that with big franchise deals made today, the "in perpetuity" part doesn't exist.

Edit -Sorry, wrong thread.

I'm probably in the minority, but I think Hellraiser II is the pinnacle of the series. Skinless Julia, Dr. Channard, the guy trying to get bugs off with a razor... I just love that film to death. It scared the shit out of me when I was younger so it'll always have that place in my heart. It's so much bigger and more interesting of a world than the original. I always wished they had filmed the scene where they find her dad in Hell.

This trailer looks... I don't know. It doesn't matter I guess. But look at the scale of II or even IV and this just feels sad. I especially liked the mumbling bum with the box. "It's already yours... goaheadtakeit..." 

That footage of the people at the "party" when they find that one guy looked like it was shot for tv. This looks like it was shot for way less than $300,000.

can one of the networks just bite the bullet and make a 6-13 episode tv show?  they could probably get a better budget and tell a better long form story.  this "movie" looks like it was made for the web and is detrimental to the franchise.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by KozibearEK 

detrimental to the franchise. 

Really? At THIS point?

Honestly, I think this looks better than if, say, the Weinsteins sank big budget money into "Marcus Nispel's HELLRAISER."

Really bummed out that we went from a Hellraiser from the INSIDE guys, to a HELLRAISER from the MARTYRS guy, to just another direct-to-DVD sequel. But this feels like more of a lateral move than anything for this franchise. Doug Bradley wasn't going to live forever. I know he's not dead, just sayin'.

Oh my.

How did they spend 300k on this? Between the 1991 era Cinemax video equipment and paying the actors no more than 15-20 cans of beans a piece where the hell is the money?

Mr. Miller, I tried getting through the entire franchise about a month ago. I had no chance. Possibly the most boring 5+ movie franchise in the ever. I do not envy you.

I don't know, Gabe. I think you're underselling how incredibly shitty this looks. Although I do agree that's it theoretically possible to make a good HELLRAISER movie without Doug Bradley. But how about a new design for Pinhead? That would be better than putting the exact same makeup on some random dude.

I've seen the film and it's worse than the trailer.  The film is 75 minutes long but feels three times that length.

The previous 4 Hellraiser films at least look like professionally made straight-to-video movies. As many have stated, this looks like a joke You Tube video. 

I'm honestly surprised Dimension is releasing it.  What's sad is that it starts out as what appears to be a found footage movie, which could work on their nothing budget.  Then it cuts to two families meeting and having long conversations under what appears to be a junior high lighting package.

I can't stress how long this film feels.  (As if to stress the point, the film occasionally cuts to Pinhead pacing, just waiting for something to happen.  Every time this happens, there's an establishing shot of the puzzle box first.  Do they think Pinhead lives in the box?)

Holy crap, does this sound terrible! Like, literally, the worst thing ever made.

Back to what I was saying earlier -- about how if you're not going to have Bradley, you might as well redesign Pinhead from scractch -- this was apparently one of the designs being worked on for the bigger-budget remake:

It's certainly better than what this new movie is doing.

I always quite liked how clinical the original Cenobite designs were. Whilst there was blood and gore, it was largely contained and controlled. It really gave a sense of the character. I've never liked the messy looking cenobites we got in later films.

I think I'm the only person alive who actually likes HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE and thinks the big reveal at the end is clever and a good capper to the series.

I like the idea of Bloodline, but it got Curse of Michael Myers'd by Dimension.  The original script is much better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sebastian OB 

I think I'm the only person alive who actually likes HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE and thinks the big reveal at the end is clever and a good capper to the series.

I actually think it's much better than it's rep deserves, and if you're talking about about the reveal of the building sized Lament Configuration then I'm with you. I'd take Bloodlines over Hell on Earth anyday of the week, largely because it at least has ideas.

To be fair, Hell On Earth's awful.  It was my least favorite flick in the series till Revelations.

Reasons I enjoy HELL ON EARTH: 1) The brunette is hot. 2) CD Cenobite is hilarious. 3. It is batshit and undoubtedly despised by self-serious Hellraiser fans.

It's not batshit -- that's my problem.  It's so terribly routine.  "Make Pinhead into Freddy Krueger.  And... go!"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sebastian OB 

Reasons I enjoy HELL ON EARTH: 1) The brunette is hot. 2) CD Cenobite is hilarious. 3. It is batshit and undoubtedly despised by self-serious Hellraiser fans.

If you ever get a chance listen to the Doug Bradley/Anthony Hickox commentary for that thing, it's great.

I've never liked HELL ON EARTH, just because I don't think it's quite gonzo enough to really be fun. Aside from Pinhead's hilariously loquacious dialogue and the scene in the club it's just kind of a drag for most of it's run-time. I mean as batshit as it tries to be, it doesn't start with a robot being destroyed by the minions of hell.

HELL ON EARTH is at least hilariously stupid. I mean, a cenobite that shoots CDs at people?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joshua Miller 

HELL ON EARTH is at least hilariously stupid. I mean, a cenobite that shoots CDs at people?

Yeah but by that point, it's way too little, way too late. And compared to how nutty Hellbound is, it all feels rather tame.

I've been trying to design an MP3 Cenobite for years and am really having a tough time with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sebastian OB 

3. It is batshit and undoubtedly despised by self-serious Hellraiser fans.

I still don't get why you had to write this. It just comes across as you being dismissive of people because their tastes don't align with yours. It'd be like someone making a case for Batman and Robin which boils down to the fact that Batman fans need to take it easy.