BREAKING DAWN Hate Thread

I've only seen New Moon. On a purely ironic level, it's bliss. The hilariously unintentional gay subtext with the werewolves, the stunning misogyny of Bella's character progression ("my boyfriend left so I'm going to be completely unresponsive for months on end, only to start engaging in suicidal behavior!"), and the delightful doofiness of those Italian vampire bad guys (Michael Shannon (EDIT: Sheen. Fuck. I'M SORRY) as the endlessly cackling henchguy. Amazing). I loved it, and because of it I have an honest curiosity about the other films. I'm actually tempted to see Breaking Dawn, if only because from all I've read about the plot, it actually manages to top the previous installments in terms of bugfuck insanity.

If the breaking (ha!) point between the two parts is the birth (which I'm assuming it is), that means it's extremely likely that the first movie ends with the werewolf falling in love with the baby. Picture it: the last shot of the film is Jacob staring at the newborn. Something is stirring within him, but he doesn't quite understand what until... he gets it. Then smash cut to black. Just imagining it makes me giddy.

I'd view Twilight as harmless, not worth spending an ounce of thought on, if the gender politics weren't so horrifically fucked-up. It's really hard not to feel like the culture is taking huge steps backwards in the last decade or so in regards to feminism and misogyny.

Making fun of these films is like beating a dead baby and stealing its candy. 

The Twilight series is a combination of great actors and music combined with horrible scripts and special FX. There's enough there to enjoy if the girlfriend drags you along (personally I look forward to Charlie and his PBRs every movie), but not enough horrible to drag through the mud.

True Blood: All of the trash, less of the guilt.

And yet, Devin's article still makes me kinda ravenous for details and reviews. If the birth and the NAWBLA scene is in here, a dollar-theater viewing may have to happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whiteboy Jones 

If the breaking (ha!) point between the two parts is the birth (which I'm assuming it is), that means it's extremely likely that the first movie ends with the werewolf falling in love with the baby. 

Jacob needs a Penn State hat on. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whiteboy Jones 

Michael Shannon as the endlessly cackling henchguy. Amazing

...

Sheeeeeeen!

Give Bill Condon a chance!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Judas Booth 

Hey, we all prebashed GI JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA because it was an easy target, and it ended up being a huge pile of fun. Who knows, maybe they got THIS entry in the franchise right. I doubt it, but you never know.

I missed the part where that was a pile of fun?  The treadmill scene with Rachel Nichols was the only thing fun about that hot mess. 

I saw all of them on TV with my sister, and while I enjoyed Rifftraxing the fuck out of them, I hated every moment of what I saw on that screen.  I hated everything that it represented.  I hated that the heroine was such an unlikable puddle of goo.  I hated that the romantic hero was a possessive, stalking, jealous, nutcase.  He literally fits every single warning sign of an abusive partner: controlling, isolating her from what few friends she has, even going so far as to vandalize her truck to prevent her from going to see the other guy.  AND THIS IS THE GUY I'M MEANT TO SWOON OVER.  The other one ain't no prize, either.  I hate that this girl has no dreams, no aspirations, NOTHING except this guy who she is dying to fuck, and she gives up her whole fucking life for him.  What does he give up?  Not a motherfucking thing.  I hate that grown women find this shit to be the paragon of romance.  I just fucking hate it, and I hate that more women do not feel the same way.  It's shit like THIS that gives women everywhere a bad name.  We are not all the shrieking, idiotic sea of stupidity that is currently in line waiting for the latest installment of Twilight: Breaking the Feminist Movement in Half. 

This is why I get defensive when people compare Hunger Games to Twilight.  The comparison couldn't be more wrong.  Katniss Everdeen is a driven, complex, ruthless survivalist of a young woman with more backbone than that cunt Bella could ever have.  Fuck Bella, fuck Twilight, and fuck you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

I saw all of them on TV with my sister, and while I enjoyed Rifftraxing the fuck out of them, I hated every moment of what I saw on that screen.  I hated everything that it represented.  I hated that the heroine was such an unlikable puddle of goo.  I hated that the romantic hero was a possessive, stalking, jealous, nutcase.  He literally fits every single warning sign of an abusive partner: controlling, isolating her from what few friends she has, even going so far as to vandalize her truck to prevent her from going to see the other guy.  AND THIS IS THE GUY I'M MEANT TO SWOON OVER.  The other one ain't no prize, either.  I hate that this girl has no dreams, no aspirations, NOTHING except this guy who she is dying to fuck, and she gives up her whole fucking life for him.  What does he give up?  Not a motherfucking thing.  I hate that grown women find this shit to be the paragon of romance.  I just fucking hate it, and I hate that more women do not feel the same way.  It's shit like THIS that gives women everywhere a bad name.  We are not all the shrieking, idiotic sea of stupidity that is currently in line waiting for the latest installment of Twilight: Breaking the Feminist Movement in Half. 

 

This is why I get defensive when people compare Hunger Games to Twilight.  The comparison couldn't be more wrong.  Katniss Everdeen is a driven, complex, ruthless survivalist of a young woman with more backbone than that cunt Bella could ever have.  Fuck Bella, fuck Twilight, and fuck you.

I'm going to say that she is "Sad" and "Furious" with your post, Harley
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

I saw all of them on TV with my sister, and while I enjoyed Rifftraxing the fuck out of them, I hated every moment of what I saw on that screen.  I hated everything that it represented.  I hated that the heroine was such an unlikable puddle of goo.  I hated that the romantic hero was a possessive, stalking, jealous, nutcase.  He literally fits every single warning sign of an abusive partner: controlling, isolating her from what few friends she has, even going so far as to vandalize her truck to prevent her from going to see the other guy.  AND THIS IS THE GUY I'M MEANT TO SWOON OVER.  The other one ain't no prize, either.  I hate that this girl has no dreams, no aspirations, NOTHING except this guy who she is dying to fuck, and she gives up her whole fucking life for him.  What does he give up?  Not a motherfucking thing.  I hate that grown women find this shit to be the paragon of romance.  I just fucking hate it, and I hate that more women do not feel the same way.  It's shit like THIS that gives women everywhere a bad name.  We are not all the shrieking, idiotic sea of stupidity that is currently in line waiting for the latest installment of Twilight: Breaking the Feminist Movement in Half. 

 

This is why I get defensive when people compare Hunger Games to Twilight.  The comparison couldn't be more wrong.  Katniss Everdeen is a driven, complex, ruthless survivalist of a young woman with more backbone than that cunt Bella could ever have.  Fuck Bella, fuck Twilight, and fuck you.

So awesome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bartleby_Scriven 

Making fun of these films is like beating a dead baby and stealing its candy. 

 

The Twilight series is a combination of great actors and music combined with horrible scripts and special FX. There's enough there to enjoy if the girlfriend drags you along (personally I look forward to Charlie and his PBRs every movie), but not enough horrible to drag through the mud.

I can go along with the idea of the music being great (well, good, as there's usually 3-4 tracks on each soundtrack worth your time), but who am I overlooking that we're categorizing as "great actors"? I mean, no offense to Billy Burke or Michael Sheen or folk of that ilk... but "great"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

I saw all of them on TV with my sister, and while I enjoyed Rifftraxing the fuck out of them, I hated every moment of what I saw on that screen.  I hated everything that it represented.  I hated that the heroine was such an unlikable puddle of goo.  I hated that the romantic hero was a possessive, stalking, jealous, nutcase.  He literally fits every single warning sign of an abusive partner: controlling, isolating her from what few friends she has, even going so far as to vandalize her truck to prevent her from going to see the other guy.  AND THIS IS THE GUY I'M MEANT TO SWOON OVER.  The other one ain't no prize, either.  I hate that this girl has no dreams, no aspirations, NOTHING except this guy who she is dying to fuck, and she gives up her whole fucking life for him.  What does he give up?  Not a motherfucking thing.  I hate that grown women find this shit to be the paragon of romance.  I just fucking hate it, and I hate that more women do not feel the same way.  It's shit like THIS that gives women everywhere a bad name.  We are not all the shrieking, idiotic sea of stupidity that is currently in line waiting for the latest installment of Twilight: Breaking the Feminist Movement in Half. 

 

This is why I get defensive when people compare Hunger Games to Twilight.  The comparison couldn't be more wrong.  Katniss Everdeen is a driven, complex, ruthless survivalist of a young woman with more backbone than that cunt Bella could ever have.  Fuck Bella, fuck Twilight, and fuck you.

Yeah, that was one beautifully written indictment there. Bravo! It reminds me of this one line Devin wrote while reviewing one of the movies. It went something like: "It's depressing watching Kristin Stewart play such a ZERO of a person".  I loved that line. If nothing else, the one good thing to come out of this franchise is that it's inspired some damn entertaining and eloquently written criticism. A friend of mine who was dragged to the first one told me it was kinda like a shitty retread of the Buffy and Angel story/relationship on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

I've never seen any of the movies, but based on snippets/clips I've seen from them, that sounds like a fairly accurate assessment. I've been re-watching some early Buffy seasons recently and looking at the scenes between Angel and Buffy, I appreciate how convincingly those two actors sold the passion of their characters for each other. They made a lot of material that could've come across really cheesy actually immensely resonant and moving. As far as I can tell, "Twilight" is about kinda like how that stuff might've been if it didn't have Whedon and his writers/actors elevating it.

Don't forget that Sparkly Vamp literally fucks Stewart UNCONSCIOUS in one scene. Breaking the bed and leaving bruises.

Might be worth the price of admission to see that.

P.S- And why oh why are the special effects so goddam poor in these films? The Werwolves look like a bunch of oversized Chihwawas.

Production budgets in the 50M-70M doesn't give you a whole lotta good looking werewolves?

As it is, most werewolves in movies don't look all that great.

Calling these things werewolves is an insult to actual werewolves.  Stop.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jeb 

I can go along with the idea of the music being great (well, good, as there's usually 3-4 tracks on each soundtrack worth your time), but who am I overlooking that we're categorizing as "great actors"? I mean, no offense to Billy Burke or Michael Sheen or folk of that ilk... but "great"?

I don't know man, Bryce Dallas Howard and Dakota Fanning try to have a good time. I was stretching to find positives.

The girlfriend is mercifully going to see this with a friend of hers, so it might be the first one I escape. 

Can't wait for the review!

Quote:

Originally Posted by roboTimKelly 
 The deadest eyes. The devil's eyes.

Please use this in the review.

I've still only seen the third one. I came about and people were like, Woah, that was the best of the series! And I was like, HOW DO YOU MAKE A WORSE MOVIE THAN THAT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gabe T 

I've still only seen the third one. I came about and people were like, Woah, that was the best of the series! And I was like, HOW DO YOU MAKE A WORSE MOVIE THAN THAT.

They are all the same movie, over and over.  Bella wants to fuck Edward.  Edward won't give her that sparkle-stick.  Jacob wants to pop that pussy.  She teases the wolf-stick for a while but ultimately declares her "love" for Edward at the end.  This scenario plays in each film, just with a rotating cast of forgettable villains.  

In a better film series, Bella would be the villain.  I am not exaggerating when I say that she is the most despicable cunt I've seen on film since that cunt in The Mist.  For the life of me, I do not see what makes this girl so goddamn irresistible to everyone.  She's unbelievably shallow and stupid, cares only about her damn self, and blatantly and without remorse, plays Jacob for her own selfish emotional needs.  She's down to tease that wolf-stick when the Bedazzled One dumps her, but the second he's back on the scene, she drops the Furry One without blinking an eye.  I'd feel bad for him if he wasn't a tool, prick, and sexual assault artist.  It also disgusts me that the author cannot bear to have any of her leads have a miserable end, so she hooks Jacob up with the daughter of the girl he's been jerking it to for the past three books/films.  This series is fucking repugnant, and a bored housewife's sad little wet dream.  It's no coincidence that Bella looks like Stephanie Meyer.

I don't need to see someone getting blown up, to know it's horrific... I don't need to see Twilight, to know I would hate it.  

If you can deal with the Hulk gimmick...

http://badassdigest.com/2011/11/17/film-crit-hulk-smash-hulk-vs-twilight/

If you can't deal with the Hulk gimmick you aren't deserving of love from another human being.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whiteboy Jones 

If you can't deal with the Hulk gimmick you aren't deserving of love from another human being.

But what if you are a werewolf who is singularly devoted to loving a baby? Should the baby not love him back if said werewolf can't love the Hulk?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcnooj82 

If you can deal with the Hulk gimmick...

 

http://badassdigest.com/2011/11/17/film-crit-hulk-smash-hulk-vs-twilight/

or the guy that runs that site... 

Originally Posted by MrTyres But what if you are a werewolf who is singularly devoted to loving a baby? Should the baby not love him back if said werewolf can't love the Hulk?

I think the baby needs to get her hands on some silver bullets in either case. Wait... can silver bullets even kill werewolves in the Twilight verse? Probably not... hmm... judging from what I've seen of the series, forcing the werewolf to wear a shirt might harm it... godspeed to that poor baby.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

They are all the same movie, over and over.  Bella wants to fuck Edward.  Edward won't give her that sparkle-stick.  Jacob wants to pop that pussy.  She teases the wolf-stick for a while but ultimately declares her "love" for Edward at the end.  This scenario plays in each film, just with a rotating cast of forgettable villains.  

I have to out myself here: I read the books. I got dragged to the first movie by the girl I was dating at the time, and even though it was a sappy, retarded teen cash cow... I had to know how it ended. And you know, reading the first book, I can see WHY it was a teen cash cow. Completely average girl gets the guy of her dreams, he's dangerous and protective and mysterious and fucking loaded and he can play the piano, and he saves you (Er, I mean Bella) from a villain who looks like he's a Nickelback roadie. Swoooooon.

But after that point? I'm stupefied. Book 2 (and the subsequent movie) was basically like 600 pages of "I'm depressed. I'm depressed. I'm depressed." Book/movie three evolves the series into TEAM EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE versus TEAM RAPE KISSER, and the "heroine" you're supposed to be rooting for is basically every flighty, utterly boring high school girl in the world. The assessment that she's revolting is... accurate. The fact that she's portrayed by Kristen Stewart (who has two faces: "I'm pooping" face, and "Blank stare" face) only serves to solidify my hate.

The last book literally got to a point where it didn't even make sense to me anymore. I can't imagine the movie is going to be any better. I can't understand the allure. At all. I mean, I even went beyond the typical gruff man-assessment of "Sparkly vampires? Sounds gay" to try and understand, and there's just... nothing. Nothing here. Weep for the state of humanity.

After reading a few reviews for this, I'm intrigued to see that a lot of critics seem to be digging it in a sort of 'fascinating car wreck' kind of way. Nobody's really calling it a 'good movie' more than any of the other ones, but there's apparently some batshit nuts quality to it that is supposedly 'elevating' it above the standard 'same old boring bullshit' assessment the other movies got. Sounds like the baby gimmick that Devin was so excited about has given this the trashy appeal he thought it might. This at least makes the reviews more interesting to read than the others ones that could only talk about how shitty and empty the acting and writing are.

I must see this movie.

Yep. Dollar theater's happening.

I kinda feel like Kate should have a Chud Disaster Watch Center for this film, Earthquakes, and Hurricanes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by roboTimKelly 

Here it is folks. Hate's the wrong word for a beautiful disaster of this magnitude:

 

http://www.chud.com/74834/review-the-twilight-saga-breaking-dawn-part-1/

YES.

Great review, Tim, and while I'll never, ever shell out $10+ for this squicky mess of a film, I may see if I can get some friends for a bad movie night once it hits DVD.

Huh?

I kind of want to see it, if only for some ROOM-esque fun.

So, what your saying is, it's no Xtro?  Booooo!!!!