Suggesting bad movie remakes by great film directors

Travolta would have killed in that.

Werner Herzog directs Baby's Day Out

Darren Aronofsky remakes Mariah Carey's Glitter

Lars Von Trier remakes Xanadu

Francis Ford Coppola directs Jack

oh, wait...

Alejandro Jodorowsky directs the Star Wars prequel trilogy, using his Dune plans as a starting point.

Terrence Malick directs Waterworld

The Coens direct Ishtar (that one actually doesn't sound so bad)

Steven Spielberg directs Birdemic

David Cronenberg directs Twilight. 

When food poisoning and an odd obsession with weight loss by Misters Lemmon and Curtis, respectively, cause Billy Wilder to delay production of SOME LIKE IT HOT by a year, the eclectic filmmaker starts looking for a project to occupy his time. Over dinner one night, Orson Welles mentions the oddest encounter with a passionate fan-turned-filmmaker and the science fiction script he's been shopping around. Welles dismisses it as pure crap, but expressed admiration for the man's enthusiasm. Wilder, who hadn't done a sci-fi project and always wanted to, finds the plot intriguing.

A year later, Wilder's PLAN NINE debuts, and is now about a group of aliens discussing whether or not they should intervene in man's own self-destruction -- and the various means of doing so. They range from peaceful contact -- Plan One -- to complete annihilation of Earth by accelerating the life of the sun -- Plan Nine. While a young Pauline Kael dismisses it as "Twelve Angry Aliens," the film sets off a national debate about the issues Wilder raises, and is a box-office phenomenon. The film's original director, Edward D. Wood, Jr., receives a story credit, with Wilder. In 1960, the film is nominated for a slew of Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay.

PLAN NINE's biggest success, however, is the revived career of Bela Lugosi. After initially dismissing the actor, Wilder finds himself drawn to the aging horror icon, in no small part thanks to Wood's championing of the man. Wilder agrees to cast him in the part of Clay, the aging alien general, if Wood can keep him clean for the length of production. Wood agrees, having narrowly saved Lugosi from a fatal heart attack not two years prior. Wood stays true to his word, gets Lugosi sober, and the success of the film keeps him sober. His performance as the voice of wisdom shouted down by his aggressive, younger colleagues, earns him the film's one acting nomination, Best Supporting Actor....which he wins in 1959. Lugosi enjoys newfound success as a character, voice-over, and TV actor, before dying of a heart attack in 1972 at the age of 90.

Having broken free of the typecasting that dogged most of his career, he opts to be buried in a really nice suit.

PAUL HARVEY SAYS: Lugosi's last line in PLAN NINE, "I have tinkered far too long with the machinery of death" sticks in the mind of a middle-aged lawyer who catches the film at a Minnesota matinee. Richard Nixon would later appoint that lawyer to the U.S. Supreme Court, and in 1994, that man playing hooky from work would borrow from PLAN NINE when discussing the death penalty in one of the Court's most famous dissents. His name? Harry Blackmun. Now you know...the rest of the story.

Van Helsing - Neil Marshall

Westworld - Nicolas Winding Refn

1984 - Paul Greengrass

If Looks Could Kill - Matthew Vaughn

Paparazzi - Darren Aronofsky

Windtalkers or The Alamo - John Milius

Lars Von Trier's version of Furry Vengeance would goddamn certainly have included the bear rape.

Terence Malicks Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-li

Sissy Spacek is Chun Li
 

David Fincher- Gigli

James Cameron- Battlefield Earth

Guillermo Del Toro's HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING

Martin Scorsese's THE GODFATHER, PART 3

Ridley Scott's CALIGULA

David Cronenberg's THE BROWN BUNNY

While many of these aren't really bad movies, I think these pairings would have been fun.....

John Carpenter's FIRESTARTER

John Carpenter's THE GOLDEN CHILD (as a sequel to Big Trouble...)

Joe Dante's SHOCKER

Sam Raimi's THE SHADOW

Rob Zombie's TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (2003)

Dario Argento's EYE SEE YOU

Sam Raimi's GHOSTS OF MARS

David Cronenberg's GINGER SNAPS

Fred Dekker's VAN HELSING

Nicolas Winding Refn's HALLOWEEN (2007)

Ridley Scott's I AM LEGEND

Dario Argento's THE COLLECTOR

Terence Fisher's VAN HELSING

Lucio Fulci's SILENT HILL

Lucio Fulci's MIRRORS

Quentin Tarantino's Deathly Hallows Vol. 1 and Vol. 2

• Both volumes are split into multiple chapters that each focus on a specific front in the great war against the Death Eaters

Those are some good suggestions, Bob. I'd argue that we did, in fact, get Sam Raimi's The Shadow. There isn't a single thing in that film that I see Raimi doing any differently with Koepp's script than Mulcahy did.

I'd also kill to see John Carpenter's I AM LEGEND. It'd be familiar ground, sure, but I see him really tapping into the claustrophobia, creepiness, & nihilism of the book.

I just think Raimi would have turned in a much more entertaining film.  And Carpenter rock the hell out of an I Am Legend adaptation.

John Carpenter's LIFEFORCE

David Fincher's THE EXPERIMENT.

And Terrence Malick's AVATAR.

David Cronenberg - Troll 2

Paul Thomas Anderson - Flashdance

Steven Soderbergh - 1941

Quentin Tarantino - Action Jackson

Lars Von Trier - Sex And The City

Nicholas Winding Refn - The Room

James Cameron - Deadly Friend

Terrence Malick - Battle: Los Angeles

David Lynch - Mac And Me

Rian Johnson - The Matrix Revolutions

Takashi  Miike - King Kong

Paul Verhoven - Hostel

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Merriweather 

And Terrence Malick's AVATAR.

God damnit, Merriweather already used my AVATAR joke.

Clint Eastwood's Grumpy Old Men.

Christopher Nolan - "Batman & Robin."

Stanley Kubrick - Showgirls

Paul Verhoeven - Showgirls

oh wait...

Guillermo del Toro - Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Woody Allen - "Friday the 13th, Part VIII - Jason Takes Manhattan."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ambler 

Quentin Tarantino - Action Jackson

 

To hell with this. I categorically reject the notion that Action Jackson is anything short of a masterpiece.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arjen Rudd 

Lars Von Trier's version of Furry Vengeance would goddamn certainly have included the bear rape.

 

You mean the real version didn't?? Lars would change the lead to a depressed woman and add genital mutilation.

Alternately, Herzog seems like a natural fit here. It could be to GRIZZLY MAN what RESCUE DAWN is to LITTLE DIETER NEEDS TO FLY. 

FURRY VENGEANCE: PORT OF CALL - ALASKA starring the ghost of Klaus Kinski as Timothy Treadwell.

Quote:

Originally Posted by S.D. Bob Plissken 

 

Terence Fisher's VAN HELSING

I'm calling shenanigans here.

VAN HELSING by Coppola with Anthony Hopkins in the lead

Quote:

Originally Posted by Art Decade 

Paul Verhoeven - Showgirls

 

oh wait...

I've only seen it the one time in a theater but is it possible Verhoven was making a Starship Troopers level satire here?  

Anyway....

Matthew Vaughn: The Underworld Series

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynamotv 

I've only seen it the one time in a theater but is it possible Verhoven was making a Starship Troopers level satire here? 

I don't think so, at least I like to think not. It's a glaring misfire no matter what he was trying for.

That said, more Verhoeven. I just saw the original for the first time about a month or two ago... Paul verhoeven's Robot Jox. R rated, hardcore, would still make a bundle because everyone loves giant robots.
 

Takashi Miike's Forrest Gump.

Waiting for Godot: A Michael Bay Joint

Annie - Peter Greenaway

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nexus-7 

I don't think so, at least I like to think not. It's a glaring misfire no matter what he was trying for.

That said, more Verhoeven. I just saw the original for the first time about a month or two ago... Paul verhoeven's Robot Jox. R rated, hardcore, would still make a bundle because everyone loves giant robots.
 

 

Yeah I wasn't sure about that one.   It always seems Verhoven is one of the greatest cinematic trolls of all time.    In that vein, how awesome would it be for Verhoven to take over the Transformers franchise?   Not only would his action scenes be more decipherable but I think it's ripe for some Starship Troopers level satire.

Wild Wild West - Edgar Wright

Luc Besson and any of the STAR WARS prequels, particularly ATTACK OF THE CLONES (which, in its chase scenes, is Lucas ripping off Besson ripping off Lucas)

James Toback - AMERICAN BEAUTY

Walter Hill - MIAMI VICE and PUBLIC ENEMIES

Jonathan Mostow - THE EXPENDABLES

In all seriousness:

Michael Bay - G.I. JOE

Quote:

Originally Posted by dynamotv 

Yeah I wasn't sure about that one.   It always seems Verhoven is one of the greatest cinematic trolls of all time.    In that vein, how awesome would it be for Verhoven to take over the Transformers franchise?   Not only would his action scenes be more decipherable but I think it's ripe for some Starship Troopers level satire.

We could also count on someone getting squished in a transforming car ala the Clerks cartoon.

Seriously though, Robot Jox! Think of the possibilities!
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malmordo 

 

 

Walter Hill - MIAMI VICE

I like the Mann version just fine. Hill can have a crack at PUBLIC ENEMIES, though.