MOVIE OF THE DAY: GREEN LANTERN

One thing that used to frustrate me about Devin was that he could be an excellent writer, especially when ripping something that deserved to be ripped, but then he'd throw in some douchebag attitude and cheap shots that undermine the intelligence of the good points he makes. I would read a lot of his stuff and feel torn between it making me respect him as writer, but dislike him as a person.

He'd let personal biases get into his writing and needlessly shit on popular things just to piss off other people, like when he ended his review of "The Dark Knight" with the line "well, it's no Spider-Man 2". Shit like that just kills any credibility earned from some actually thoughtful and intelligent criticism by ending on a supremely douche-y comment.

That rant was just a roundabout way of saying this: Sebastian, kudos to you for writing a slanderous review without coming across like a dick. It's been awhile since I've read something on CHUD that was so entertainingly spiteful. It's refreshing to read a take down that's smart and amusing without also coming across smarmy, smug, or obnoxious.

Favourite parts:

That stuff just sets a new standard for scathing movie reviewing. Just a brilliant roasting of the movie's stars and characters. Bravo!

Great piece. I was so frustrated with how Devin was constantly pimping Reynolds* and LANTERN as the next big thing in the run up to this movie, the whole time I was just shaking my head wondering if I was the only one who saw the folly of the project. Then the film lands with a thud, it's problems owing to it's star and script, and Devin's review starts off by declaring that Martin Campbell "snuffed out" green lantern's light, and then with spiteful glee proceeds to lay every problem in the film at his feet... including ones that are entirely script based (saying the movie has Blake Lively tell our character he can be fearless rather than show him learning this lesson himself? A valid point. What is not valid? Blaming Martin Campbell who was brought in to shoot WARNER's script). Campbell has kicked ass for decades, and done much to salvage films with weak scripts in the past (on the page MASK OF ZORRO isn't quite as great as the finished film might make you think)

Anyway, as someone who really didn't want to live in the universe where Ryan Reynolds is A-List, I must admit to taking great pleasure in watching this film irreversibly tarnish Reynold's star

As for the character... some of it was a bit silly for my taste, but I enjoyed the PARALAX concept and monster. I liked the shot of him lurking out in a nova in deep space, and I liked his initial sneak attack on the space ship

The rest I don't even remember

*an actor I generally don't like at all, though he can play a smarmy jerk with ease (ADVENTURELAND). He's just no leading man

How was it slanderous?

A Kilowog sex tape WOULD be more lively!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcnooj82 

A Kilowog sex tape WOULD be more lively!

Prepare yourself to be disappointed. A sex tape would likely consist of 90 seconds of action followed by an hour of Kilowog-less nonsense that's capped off by the big guy returning from nowhere & declaring, "Can I f*ck 'em or can I f*ck 'em?". 

So true and wise.

But a Lively sex tape would just be her just sitting there and looking annoyed with you for longer than that.  Then you'd give her a green necklace and wonder what you ate for breakfast that morning.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phil 

How was it slanderous?

 

I do presume that Scarjo is fucking RDJ, that could be construed as slander I guess...

Nah.

If you dictated it out loud at a crowded Starbucks as you wrote it...

Right, it's libel. This was explained so well by JK Simmons in one of the Spider-Man films, and yet I still get confused.

Don't worry.  I had to look it up myself first just to make sure.

It's incredibly mediocre. But more unwatchable than Fallen? I have to disagree.

For anybody who hated Green Lantern, Rob Bricken's FAQ sets the Gold standard is ripping this piece of shit to shreds.

Well, I'm a fan of the Green Lantern concept, and he's been done really well in stuff like the Justice League cartoon, the animated DTVs First Flight and Emerald Knights, and the new CGI series is actually pretty damn excellent.

Otherwise, I loved this review, and it further validates my decision to not go near this film.

Quote:

Originally Posted by felix 

 

 

It's incredibly mediocre. But more unwatchable than Fallen? I have to disagree.

 

For anybody who hated Green Lantern, Rob Bricken's FAQ sets the Gold standard is ripping this piece of shit to shreds.

Nothing is worse that Van Helsing - Nothing.

Oops, I guess "slanderous" might not be the best word choice. I was trying to think of a word for a defamatory review that was negative, but funny in an over-the-top way (like the review). I thought of slanderous because I was remembering the episode of "The Simpsons" where Tito Puente makes a mean song about Mr. Burns and calls it "Slanderous Mambo". 

Can Sebastian review every movie? That was a masterstroke.

I'm with you on the whole 'constructs are a stupid idea" thing. I tried to watch the animated film "First Flight." Hal picks up a broken ship with a big green picnic basket. What a tool. If you can lift with your powers, just do so. What's the basket for? 

I'f I'm falling out a building in the DCU, and I land in a big green baseball mitt. I'm gonna be pissed. 

Green Lantern geek hat on....

Kilowog is the last of his race so a Bolovax Vikian sex tape would be a solo affair.  Just let that image sink in.

If this is all WB could muster, I honestly feel like the proposed Jack Black family comedy version of the film would've been the right way to go.

I really hope it was heat-of-the-moment face-saving bravado when WB said they were going to make a sequel, and that nothing will ever come of it. Not that it directly matters to me if there are ten more of these films, but for a studio to so proudly ignore box-office like that, for this film, bothers me when you think of all the other films that never got sequels because they underperformed.

Thanks for the kind words guys.

Just to sort of clarify where I'm coming from as an...er...critic. I actually prefer movies that are egregiously bad over mediocre ones. Call it irony or kitsch or whatever, but I truly do enjoy an unmitigated fiasco...especially when there's passion involved. A film like Green Lantern is so bad to me because it is passionless -- they don't even care about this story or character enough to make the damn movie make sense. It's just a bunch of expensive shit they are throwing at the screen and none of it sticks or engages you in any way. To me personally this is the worst type of movie. I totally understand seeing it as simply mediocre, but to me mediocrity can sometimes be the worst sin of all.

Also I think that it really is a legitimately bad movie.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sebastian OB 
To me mediocrity can sometimes be the worst sin of all.

 

Yup. That sums up my entire movie-viewing approach. I just hate the feeling of wasting my time. If something is bad past a certain point, it is almost the same as being good. Cause what does "good" really mean? It means I keep thinking about it and talking about it. That's what I love about movies. While I prefer watching a good movie, I enjoy talking about a bad movie just as much, if not more actually.

And GREEN LANTERN I don't even find that much fun to talk about. It is aggressively mediocre.

That's true. Its biggest crime is how paper thin and forgettable it all was. Here we are, a half year later and what I recall first is Hector doing the creepysniff on Carol's hair.

Sarsgaard was really the best part of the movie. 

It was pretty messed up how shoddily the character was treated.  He was a decent guy who just kept getting shafted by life (relative to the other characters).

It was just because Sarsgaard performed him like a creep!

Movie sucked.  Review didn't.

The movie was a letdown, but I'm proud of all involved that no one has thrown anyone under the bus yet.

I mean, at least Ryan didn't pull a "Shia" to save face. That said, when WB eventually reboots, I doubt Reynolds will be the star.

Fuck it, I'd still watch a Deadpool movie with Reynolds.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barkatthemoon 

 

I mean, at least Ryan didn't pull a "Shia" to save face. 

Speaking of, goddamn where did that asshat go?  He went from being Spielberg's butt-boy to being that guy who gets his ass kicked in clubs every weekend.

There is no Optimus to save him in real life.

Great review. Ripped it apart and addressed all the issues I had with the movie. Tip of the hat for the review, good sir.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcnooj82 

Sarsgaard was really the best part of the movie. 

 

It was pretty messed up how shoddily the character was treated.  He was a decent guy who just kept getting shafted by life (relative to the other characters).

 

It was just because Sarsgaard performed him like a creep!

Maybe I am wrong in saying this, different mediums and all, but Sarsgaard isn't that good either if you know the character of Hector Hammond.  Hammond being reduced to a lackey was intolerable for me.

Ah, I just meant the character in the movie.  I don't know anything about the character in the comics.

Was that Sarsgaard's fault, or the script? Hammond was the only non-ironic interesting thing in this mess of a flick

I can fully attribute it to the script but even then I feel he wasn't much to shine.

They were trying to make Hammond into what Ron Weasley would have been in twenty years if Harry had gotten Hermione: bitter as fuck, inferior, and deeply jealous of his more glamorous friends.  I saw the potential there, but they didn't execute it correctly.  Hammond needed to be introduced much earlier in the film, and his frenemy status with Hal needed to be in the foreground.  They should have cut Hal's random friend and had Hammond be the guy who Hal calls after Abin Sur crashes.  They needed to be much closer than they are portrayed to be in this P.O.S.  Similarly to Loki in Thor, they could have made Hammond the complex, sympathetic villain by showing his daddy issues and how he's always second-best to Hal in EVERYTHING.  Hal's better-looking, gets prime trim, has the love of Hammond's father, Hammond's dream girl is crazy about Hal, and to top it off, he gets a fucking POWER RING?!   That douche gets a fucking POWER RING?!

FUCK THAT! 

So he snaps.  Not difficult to write, not difficult to perform, and would give Hal a bit more complexity too.  Force him to really look himself in the mirror and say, "You know what?  I AM a douche.  That changes NOW."  That would spur him on to be the best hero he could possibly be, as a means of self-validation, as well as to win back Carol and even Hammond's friendship.  The tragedy would be that the better Hal becomes, the angrier Hammond becomes, until the final clash where Hal would have no choice but to take down his best friend. 

That sounds like a much better movie to me, but hell, I wrote it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

 

That sounds like a much better movie to me, but hell, I wrote it.

I've noticed that this is the kind of movie this is. It's so bad you replace it with the better movie in your head. When everybody who watches your movie remakes a better one in their heads after seeing yours, you've got problems.

My version of Green Lantern focuses on Sinestro training Hal, Hal liberating the planet Korugar from the clutches of Sinestro, who creates his yellow ring (with the help of Anti-matter universe fear-demon Parallax) in an effort to harness the power of fear to better control his populace. Sinestro barely gets away at the end, the post credits stinger is a shot of the Sinestro Corps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by D.S. Randlett 

I've noticed that this is the kind of movie this is. It's so bad you replace it with the better movie in your head. When everybody who watches your movie remakes a better one in their heads after seeing yours, you've got problems.

 

My version of Green Lantern focuses on Sinestro training Hal, Hal liberating the planet Korugar from the clutches of Sinestro, who creates his yellow ring (with the help of Anti-matter universe fear-demon Parallax) in an effort to harness the power of fear to better control his populace. Sinestro barely gets away at the end, the post credits stinger is a shot of the Sinestro Corps.

That first sentence could apply to a TV show thread around here.  Not saying which one but it could.

And nice spin on Emerald Dawn.  I'm a GL fanboy so not too many changes from the books would make me happy but I could deal with the above.  The yellow ring was being created on Korugar and being fed, Monsters' Inc. style, on the fear he instilled in his people, yes?

Not a bad idea at all, Tzu, but I was thinking simpler than that. Just that he'd cotton on to using fear to control his world, so he'd discover the yellow light and the means to harness it. Getting the idea of the spectrum would need to be introduced very quickly as well. It's one of the best ideas in the comics, and I think it could really simply be folded into a good GL origin story (liberating that idea from the some of comic's continuity porn aspects) and kick start the movie franchise in a compelling way. They needed to tell a concise, high stakes story that hinted at a MUCH bigger universe. Mission failed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcnooj82 

Sarsgaard was really the best part of the movie. 

 

It was pretty messed up how shoddily the character was treated.  He was a decent guy who just kept getting shafted by life (relative to the other characters).

 

It was just because Sarsgaard performed him like a creep!

I wanted to return to say I liked Sarsgaard in the role quite a bit. I wish the focus on him had been greater. I've been a fan of his ever since I saw THE CENTER OF THE WORLD in theaters back in 2001

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

Speaking of, goddamn where did that asshat go?  He went from being Spielberg's butt-boy to being that guy who gets his ass kicked in clubs every weekend.

I thought he was worse than I'd ever seen him in TRANSFORMERS 3, but he was actually quite compelling in WALL STREET 2. I hold out hope for his continued evolution as an actor and a human, because IMHO he does have a special quality that can serve him well on screen

I guess WETTEST COUNTY is going to be make or break for him?  Unless he goes crawling back to Transformers.  Hell, maybe he learned how to keep his mouth shut and that's why it seems like he's been gone.  He's filming THE COMPANY YOU KEEP now too, I believe.

I can't think of a more laughably cruel moment in any movie this year than handsome fighter pilot Ryan Reynolds telling balding, deformed science nerd Peter Sarsgaard that the ring didn't "choose" him.

While some dissension was inevitable based on Seb's strong language, I'd like to say how happy I am with the general consensus that this isn't a good movie. Cause it isn't. "Good" is a relative term, and opinions are subjective, but if we can't have some basic criteria of narrative quality for "good cinema" than we're just willingly entering a ROAD WARRIOR hellscape of chaos.

Good for us, CHUD boards.