Dating Tips/Advice

Be confident. Everything else is quite literally secondary. Looks, finances, personality, interests, everything comes second to projecting an aura of confidence. 

Will Smith said it right: assuming she says 'yes', she's interested. It's on you to not fuck it up. Don't get caught up in your own insecurities and constantly go 'Why is she here? What does she in me? Oh god, my elbows are on the table and I just ruined this entire night, gah, my life is over.' They say 'be yourself', but that's not entirely true, be yourself but make sure you have a filter inside and another guy making sure you don't give off this air of nervousness. Girls know, man, they know. Too much all at once can be a turn off.

Also: listen. Two ears, one mouth, that whole thing. Keep the conversation focused on her and if you answer one of her questions, follow up with a question of your own on a related subject. Actually, that's just good life advice, but doubly so when navigating the salty waters of dating.

BlackShimShim is right.  

The problem is, most people being "themselves" are weak and passive individuals.  Being yourself means being your BEST self, not the weak guy who is afraid to ask girls out.  

It helps to remember childhood.  Most kids are fearless because they know nothing of consequences.  When you grow up, consequences cause you to think too much, worry too much.  All the guys I've known and seen get the most results with women/dating, they all have one thing in common:  They don't take it too seriously, they have a sense of fun, a sense of play, a joking manner, almost kid like and don't worry about what people think of them or their actions.

I would say if you do go on a date, forget the fancy restaurant, go somewhere that will make you the most comfortable, make you almost kid like.  An arcade, miniature golf, go karts, bike riding, bunji jumping.  I think guys take dating way to seriously, which puts her in a serious manner, making it more difficult for you two to connect, because there is no fun involved.

I think before you even start dating you should work on yourself.

Everything Doc said: Learn it. Be it.

Learning how to be a relaxed & confident suitor when you're naturally nervous or insecure requires skill & practice but it IS doable. Often times, for ANY nervous situation, I have to be an actor playing a role. I set a persona in front of me, consciously removed from the everyday insecure me, & step into it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Happenin 

Will Smith said it right: assuming she says 'yes', she's interested. It's on you to not fuck it up. Don't get caught up in your own insecurities and constantly go 'Why is she here? What does she in me? Oh god, my elbows are on the table and I just ruined this entire night, gah, my life is over.' They say 'be yourself', but that's not entirely true, be yourself but make sure you have a filter inside and another guy making sure you don't give off this air of nervousness. Girls know, man, they know. Too much all at once can be a turn off.

 

Also: listen. Two ears, one mouth, that whole thing. Keep the conversation focused on her and if you answer one of her questions, follow up with a question of your own on a related subject. Actually, that's just good life advice, but doubly so when navigating the salty waters of dating.

 

 

That's all true, but whatever else you do, make sure she knows that you know more about silver age DC superheroes than she does at all times.  Work it in as naturally as you're able, but if she suspects for a minute that you don't, shit's over.  This is 2012, after all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doc Happenin 

 'Why is she here? What does she in me? 

 

 

I think this is key.  Guys go out with a girl and are on edge because they think they still have something to prove, when in fact, you've got nothing to prove because you've already accomplished what you wanted.  She said yes.  Obviously she sees something in you and approves.  You can only fuck that up, not make it better.  So let her do most of the talking, let her prove herself to YOU now.  

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schwartz 

 

That's all true, but whatever else you do, make sure she knows that you know more about silver age DC superheroes than she does at all times.  Work it in as naturally as you're able, but if she suspects for a minute that you don't, shit's over.  This is 2012, after all.

This. Also wear your best fedora and make sure to touch her hands a lot to show interest.

Non-comedy option: Give no fucks. You're there to have fun, and if something happens something happens, if not, just be friends. But don't be THAT GUY who pines over a girl while hoping that one day she will realize just what a catch he is and finally bang him. Most of us have been there and that's just some sad shit. Lots of fish in the sea.

"Confidence" is magic fairy dust & the wonders it will reveal to you are endless. Real or not, it doesn't matter. Women are attracted to it like mad.

Some seriously good advice here Chris.

Be confident but more importantly be relaxed (I know it's easier said than done) You're an intelligent and witty guy and if you take anything from this, take Doc's 'Listen'. 

Your ace in the hole is that you're already friends, so you have common interests. Don't get hung up on it being a 'date'. Labelling it as such just adds pressure. Just two good looking people enjoying a coffee/drink/pizza.

When she agrees the date, that's the hard part over. Then you just have to look forward to having a fun evening with a buddy.

Ambler nails it: go and DO something. A romantic dinner is great for couples celebrating an anniversary, but come on, the restaurant industry wouldn't exist if there weren't couples to serve and it's all so very...cliche. Don't be 'just another guy' on 'just another date'. Plus, you're 21! I like to assume the women you're interested haven't had the fun beaten out of them yet, so you can totally just go bowling or mini golfing and have a good time. Competition is a great way to keep the conversation going, and a good way to show you're "confident", in that 'Oh! I can totally win!' false braggadaccio us guys can be good at, and also a good sport when she "wins" (even if you don't let her win, let her win). They're fun, and most of all they're active. You can still have the same conversation about all that boring stuff, but now nobody's shoveling food down their throats.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake 

This. Also wear your best fedora and make sure to touch her hands a lot to show interest.

Non-comedy option: Give no fucks. You're there to have fun, and if something happens something happens, if not, just be friends. But don't be THAT GUY who pines over a girl while hoping that one day she will realize just what a catch he is and finally bang him. Most of us have been there and that's just some sad shit. Lots of fish in the sea.

 

This.  Be prepared to walk away, but without anger or fears that you failed.  It's not always going to work, and if you sense it's not working, resolve to just have fun in the moment, even if ultimately it won't be love connection.  It's like science - even if you won't ultimately prove your hypothesis at least you can have fun observing the experiment.  If it starts to go wrong, don't panic, don't try to "fix" it -- women can smell desperation.  Just laugh about it.  You're 21 years old!  You have a lot of time.

By far the most important advice ever.  If she likes who you are, the relationship will go its course.  The trouble for most people is becoming comfortable with themselves, and when they aren't they try to latch on to someone else so they don't have to confront themselves.  Worst idea ever.  Stay single until you figure out how to make yourself happy alone, then go adding in someone to the equation.  If you can't make yourself happy alone, someone else isn't going to be the answer for happiness.  

For God's sake, listen to Jake.  I wouldn't have my current girlfriend if it weren't for some sage advice he gave me a few years back.  I even saved it:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake 

Okay, Bucky*, here's what you need to do.  When asking her out, be sure to wear very different deodorants under each arm, and maybe just a spritz of ladies perfume to keep her off balance.  She may not like it exactly, but the idea is to confuse her nose (which is basically the vagina of the face) and create the strongest sense-memory possible.  Then on the date itself, add some dabs of bourbon** to your shirt and socks.  This will subconsciously remind her of her father, or at least an uncle, which will make you seem strong and masculine and like someone she needs to impress for reasons she can't articulate.  The sex will be a bit weirder than either of you are probably used to, but also all but guaranteed.  Good luck. 

*note: this is what he called me at the time, because I was too polite to correct the spelling error

**He subsequently worked with me to alter this to a precise mixture of rum, vermouth and foot hair to better reflect her very specific ethnic background, but the principle is sound

This is going to sound like weird advice coming from someone on this site but save the movie date until 3 or 4 in.  Not to say your new lady friend is "The One" but you don't get to know someone sitting in the dark not talking.  And speaking of her place in the pantheon of women in your life, don't be Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Yeah, don't do a movie. Go somewhere like an art exhibit or a museum or a street festival or something. A place with enough distractions that you don't essentially just exchange names and then be like "welp see ya later".

Also, I don't know how you dress, but since this is a movie nerd website: make sure your clothes fit well, don't wear any graphic tees/mom jeans, shave off the neckbeard if you have one, and for the love of god don't wear a short-sleeved button-up shirt. Long sleeves only. And no fedoras or hats of any kind. I was totally kidding about the fedora thing earlier. Fuck hats.

Also, if it any time it gets to "that" point, remember: her breasts are attached to her, so don't tug and pull because they're bouncy and new and awesome. Forewarned.

Dude, I'm dating at 35 and some of the best dates I have been on have been air hockey, ski ball, batting cages and the basketball games at the local arcade/go-cart track.

Learn how to cook instead of going out for dinner.  I have a few recipes if you need some ideas.

As everyone's mentioned, confidence is key and so is "just being yourself," which can make things challenging if you're a bit nebbishy. I'm a beta male to my very core. Just not an aggro guy at all. I think that's why I've been attracting a certain type of woman of the past few years: the type that has wasted too much time on doucehbags and wants a change of pace. Then they eventually realized they're happier with douchebags, but that's a rant for a whole other thread.

If you're shy and inexperienced with women, it's going to be challenging to do everything right on the first date. So be prepared to make a couple of mistakes. Just don't agonize over minor slip-ups. Things you should focus on are no-brainers: opening doors for her, offering to pay, telling her she looks nice These things go a long way towards demonstrating the fact that you're a nice guy. Doucehbags don't do this sort of thing. She'll forgive you if you don't like "Glee," so long as you don't leave her standing outside the passenger door of your car while you pile in on the other side.

When it comes to conversation, avoid topics like sex, politics and religion -- the types of things that should stay out of polite conversation. At 21, these tend to be topics that you kids pretty much are only interested in talking about. But these are topics that should be reserved for a subsequent date, once you've gotten comfortable with each other. What's important is to get her talking about her life, her hobbies, her interests, fun breezy topics where you can hopefully share common interests.

Also, see if there's chemistry. The date is entirely about you impressing her. If you guys don't click, if you don't fall into a comfortable groove and feel like you've only been talking for 20 minutes when it's actually been three hours, then it's probably not a good match. It's neither person's fault. It's just one of those things.

And whatever you do, no matter how many of your friends suggest it, stay the fuck away from Internet dating.

Ditto on the internet dating. Ive seen many a friend go through THAT nightmare.

My biggest advice is to keep the first date short and sweet. I always keep mine 2 hours or less. If it's going well, she'll definitely want to see you again (hopefully sooner rather than later). If it's going bad, than you keep that nightmare mercifully brief.

Good luck and have FUN!

Yeah, save the internet dating for when you've joined us full time in the "...relationship ends thread" ten or fifteen years from now.

God, I wish I could go back to dating when so much hadn't already happened in my life.  It is so much easier to get to know someone in your 20's than in your 30's.  Less history to go through as to what has brought you to where you are at that given point in time.

Anyone care to share why internet dating is a no-go? I actually just opened an OkCupid account & there seems to be a shit ton of smart & good-looking women. I tried OkC a few years ago & it was full of tore up divorcees but not anymore. Both of my sisters, one of whom is gay, have been dating through the site for several months & I haven't heard any horror stories yet.

I'm interested in hearing about someone's experience & advice about what red flags to look out for.

Any thoughts pertaining to this question would be appreciated!

Get extremely drunk before your date with her. So long, inhibitions! 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Art Decade 

Anyone care to share why internet dating is a no-go? I actually just opened an OkCupid account & there seems to be a shit ton of smart & good-looking women. I tried OkC a few years ago & it was full of tore up divorcees but not anymore. Both of my sisters, one of whom is gay, have been dating through the site for several months & I haven't heard any horror stories yet.

I'm interested in hearing about someone's experience & advice about what red flags to look out for.

 

Any thoughts pertaining to this question would be appreciated!

Internet dating is perfectly acceptable. People who claim otherwise are holding on to some antiquated and misguided notions. This isn't 1995; the game has changed. The Internet is simply one more tool to meet people, and actually a damn good one if utilized properly. 

DamnDirtyApe's right about keeping it short and sweet. I'd recommend going out for a drink. Women are simply infatuated with dive bars for some reason. Find a cool one that is quiet enough for you to chit-chat. Don't get hammered. Just have a couple drinks and relax. It's less formal than dinner, and you don't have to worry about getting food in your teeth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm 

Yeah, save the internet dating for when you've joined us full time in the "...relationship ends thread" ten or fifteen years from now.

God, I wish I could go back to dating when so much hadn't already happened in my life.  It is so much easier to get to know someone in your 20's than in your 30's.  Less history to go through as to what has brought you to where you are at that given point in time.

Hey, keep your decrepit pity party confined to its own thread.  This is for giving the kid constructive advice.

To that end, Spider, not to get ahead of yourself, but if you think things have a chance of getting physical its important to be prepared.  For 48 hours beforehand, drink nothing but orange juice (grape if you must), and eat nothing but Thin Mints.  The benefits will be apparent once you get started.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Art Decade 

Anyone care to share why internet dating is a no-go? I actually just opened an OkCupid account & there seems to be a shit ton of smart & good-looking women. I tried OkC a few years ago & it was full of tore up divorcees but not anymore. Both of my sisters, one of whom is gay, have been dating through the site for several months & I haven't heard any horror stories yet.

I'm interested in hearing about someone's experience & advice about what red flags to look out for.

 

Any thoughts pertaining to this question would be appreciated!

They always seem to have it together, Art. But these are people who are so impossible, they can't actually meet folks in their everyday lives. Why? They're high-maintenance as fuck. Look at the crap they have listed as their hobbies; who has time for all that shit? They've also got so much baggage, you'll feel like you're going out with a luggage store. In short, they're not, nor will they ever be, ready to share their lives with someone. Christ, I once went out with a girl I'd met online who told me she was dying. This was after the one who spent the entire date talking about how everyone at work thinks she's on meth, but she's not on meth, but everyone thinks she's on meth, but she's not on meth...I mean, she used to be on meth, but she's not on meth anymore.

End internet dating derail.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake 

This. Also wear your best fedora and make sure to touch her hands a lot to show interest.
 

I know you're joking about this, but that's actually good advice. In fact the best advice I've ever received about dating isn't stuff about being yourself or showing her a good time (no offense to guys who have mentioned that), it's this: Show sexual interest. Touch her, stroke her hair, go for the makeout (though probably leave that for the second date). If you don't do those things, there's a good chance she'll decide you're better friend than relationship material.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bradito 

 

But these are people who are so impossible, they can't actually meet folks in their everyday lives.

Bullshit.  I own my own chiropractic office and teach at the local tech college part time.  All the women I meet are either patients or students.  Kinda narrows my opportunities for dating what with laws and rules.  As was said above, internet dating is completely different from ten, hell, even five years ago.

Except Craigslist.  Don't try to meet women on CL.

F that noise on internet dating. Yes, there are crazy people on there, but there are crazy people out in the world, too. Hell, they're probably the same crazy people. Met my girlfriend online and would never have done so otherwise. The thing about internet dating is, it opens up the field. Would you rather: go to a bar every Saturday or whenever and hope to meet some cute girl who happens to be there that same night (because x, y or z happened), spend a bunch of money you don't have chatting her up and getting to know her and then realize she's crazy, or would you rather chat her up in the convenience of your own home (where you are not wearing pants), talk about things that you both are interested in (and are willing to share in the profile) and then meet, only to find out she's crazy? Look, you're going to strike out whether it's at a bar or online. At a bar, you're working one, maybe two, online, there are thousands and you can be talking to all of them whenever you want. From a strictly numbers game, you're winning and you're not sloppy drunk and she's not drunk enough to be saying 'well, alright'. Alcohol isn't the best basis of a relationship.

So, you'll meet some people who think other people think they're on meth, but you'll also meet charming, engaging and sweet women who maybe don't have time to hit the bars or be exactly where you are at exactly the right moment. Maybe they're grad students, maybe they're really focused on studying, maybe they work weird hours. Just because you hated one black and white movie, does that mean all black and white films are worthy of scorn? It's not the medium, it's that you happened to see Plan 9 before Citizen Kane.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

Also, wasn't Harley all "Opening doors/paying for her is bullshit" in a thread a while back? Someone get her in here, I need some female perspective amongst this rampant (but very helpful!) masculinity.

 

Bradito: I'm the same as you, not aggressive at all, though I've grown more confident as the years have gone by.

Last weekend, a female friend of mine told me that she was pretty perturbed that the guy on her last date -- whom she'd met online, believe it or not -- didn't open any doors for her. Some women might be like Harley and think it's bullshit. But, Chris, it never hurts to be a nice guy.

Opening doors isn't bullshit.  True story:  Leaving a movie one night I was opening the car door for the woman I was seeing at the time and another couple in the space in front of us were getting in their cars, he to drive, she as a passenger.  They saw us and she stopped, looked over the car and said to him, "Hey, why don't you do that for me?"  Turned to the girl I was with and told her I was special and to keep me around.  Unfortunately she didn't but opening doors isn't a question.

Paying for her is open to debate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

 

Also, wasn't Harley all "Opening doors/paying for her is bullshit" in a thread a while back? Someone get her in here, I need some female perspective amongst this rampant (but very helpful!) masculinity.

 

Not the female perspective you wanted, but here's my take on this... coming from someone with a beta-personality who has a compulsive habit of holding open doors for almost ANYONE.

Feel it out.  Some girls appreciate it.  Some will find it weird.  Just don't be pushy or obligatory about it.  

EDIT: I'm a Door Whore.

As for paying... I think the same thing applies.  I think it's fine to offer first.  If she doesn't object, fine.  If she does, you should at most say that it's just easier to deal with the bill through one person (unless she's offering to cover it all herself) and that she could pay 'next time' (which bleeds into the subject of the next date).  But again... don't be pushy about it.

Internet dating: I think it largely depends on where you live. In a major metropolitan area with many busy professionals without the time to startup social networks as easily as they did in college, eary 20s, internet dating, in its current form, is a godsend. Yeah, not everyone is in tip-top shape mentally or physically. But I've had a blast with most of the women I've met online. Of course, I might be many of their equivalent meth-death date.

On-topic: Whatever you do, do not insist you pay for a woman's drink/dinner/movie ticket/whatever. There's a very subtle arbitration that goes on in who pays for what, and some women take just as much issue with someone who is too pushy about paying than one doesn't even offer. Just a consistent bit of advice I've gotten from my single lady friends. If you make paying for your date into an issue, they might assume you're expecting something in return, and that's pretty creepy.

Things might be different with this girl because you know her but in general I would most definitely not pay for someone on a first date, and if I did I'd make a mention of her paying next time.

Door whore, gentleman, same difference.  All kidding aside, and this may be a tall order, but it can't hurt anything to hold doors for everyone, all the time.  If she's touchy enough to be offended by it (which I don't think I've ever met anyone who was), she'll notice that you aren't doing it to be condescending to her personally.  Being polite to anyone is never going to hurt your chances; you're already going to be douchey when it comes to your clothes, political views, taste in pornography, hairstyle and karaoke choices, best to rack up the easy points where available.

Speaking of porn, its important to determine that your sexual peccadilloes line up at least vaguely, or else you're wasting both your times.  So early in the evening, ask her what kind of stuff she likes to rub to, straight up.  She'll be coy, so just laugh it off.  But now its in the back of her head.  Then about 2 hours later, in the midst of a conversation about something else, ask her quickly again.  Most of the time she'll blurt something out before she can stop herself.  She'll be embarrassed for a minute, but ultimately she'll see what you did and respect the gamesmanship.

What's weirder, a 21 year old virgin that has never been on a date (Spider) or a 37 year old married father of two that has never been on a date (um, me)?

I have no right to be in this thread.

ETA: I guess I have been on dates, just never actually asked someone out on a date.

I always offer to pay, but never insist. If she wants to go Dutch, that's totally fine. Never be pushy about anything, especially paying. Some women want to pay half because they've been out with some douche who's insisted on paying for dinner then expected sex later on in return. You don't want to come across like him.

With the economy the way it is, I've definitely found myself going Dutch a hell of a lot less.

You gotta slay through about 20 or 30 hood rats so you won't be terrible at it, probably still pretty bad, though.

Do NOT follow an orgasm by saying "Shang Tsung WINS...Babality" in your best Mortal Kombat announcer impression.  Satisfying, but ultimately too niche.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bradito 

 

With the economy the way it is, I've definitely found myself going Dutch a hell of a lot less.

"Come on!  You never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry???"

"Well, uh... I thought I might like him on a full stomach."

"Nice try, sister..."

When sex is over, I like to say, "I guess nice guys don't always finish last."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

 

Also, wasn't Harley all "Opening doors/paying for her is bullshit" in a thread a while back? Someone get her in here, I need some female perspective amongst this rampant (but very helpful!) masculinity.

 

Opening doors is great.  But me personally, I like paying my own way.  I've always been that way, and my boyfriend respects that.  I'm independent, I have a good job, and I like taking care of myself.  I don't want a man paying for my stuff like he's my sugar daddy or something.  My boyfriend pays for me on my birthday, but other than that, we split the bill.  It depends on the woman.  Some women will get downright indignant if you don't lavish them with shit.  To me, I think it puts undue pressure on both parties, for the man to drop his last dime on a woman he might not even see again, and for the woman to...well, repay the debt she owes him, to put it delicately. 

To fuck him at the end of the night, to put it bluntly.

Futurama.  The episode where Bender gets a sex change.

Chris: Vaginas, generally speaking, are your friend. Don't worry so much about it! Don't make such a big deal about it. Enjoy it! Enjoy the moment. Don't psych yourself out on it. 

Just feel the interlude out. And if you're that worried, and you should be! Just use a condom. If' your'e masturbating so much, and you're that concerned, practice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Art Decade 

Anyone care to share why internet dating is a no-go? I actually just opened an OkCupid account & there seems to be a shit ton of smart & good-looking women. I tried OkC a few years ago & it was full of tore up divorcees but not anymore. Both of my sisters, one of whom is gay, have been dating through the site for several months & I haven't heard any horror stories yet.

I'm interested in hearing about someone's experience & advice about what red flags to look out for.

 

Any thoughts pertaining to this question would be appreciated!

As a chick that used to have an OkCupid account, and dated a few times through there...You can get a general sense of a person through messaging them - as a rule, I would always exchange a few messages before agreeing to a meet-up. It's a great filter. And never start out with a "hi, how are you?" How is that going to interest anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together?

Also, the type of pictures they post is good indicator of who they are. Is it an older picture? Is it an overhead shot? Is it a blatant "Look at how hot I am" photo? Are they mugging for the camera?