Dating Tips/Advice - Page 21

Art, I've had tons of dates like that. Just a great time, lots of fun, lots of really great chemistry and obvious mutual attraction, with lots of contact leading up to a hypothetical second date. And then they don't exist. C'est la vie, I guess.

 

EDIT: I'm sure that this happens to lots of ladies, too.

After endless annoyances on OKC, I've had excellent luck with Adult Friend Finder. Might want to give it a go. You'll find cool, funny down to earth women who are DTF. From there, a relationship can grow.

 

Thanks, man. I'm actually fairly new to the dating world so I'm experiencing all of this crap for the very first time date-by-date.

 

Meh... As cool, smart, & attractive as my date was, she LOVED Def Leppard & thought The Beatles are overrated. Clearly, it was not meant to be.

Bullet. Dodged.

 

Seriously, it'll click eventually. Being fun and charming is half the battle, the other half is just dumb luck. But eventually you'll meet someone worth spawning with, and then you'll swim up stream while your flesh falls off. That's what happens after sex, right?

That's what being an avid reader of Clive Barker has led me to believe, at any rate.

 

ETA: Sorry if I've mentioned this before, but Mike said something above about "challenging yourself to ask more questions than you answer."  I remember reading in a dating advice book or somesuch (many, many moons ago) that "if a girl likes you, you get questions.  No like, no questions.  Simple as that."

 

Is this a truism, do you think?  Personally, I find myself almost always asking the questions when I hang out with a girl, and rarely if ever get asked about myself.  Is this a sure sign of disinterest, or am I doing something wrong, conversation-wise? 

From everything I know about sex, when it's over, everyone involved simply eats the pizza that the Pizza Boy brought into the house 15 minutes earlier.

 

We need Harley's expert opinion, of course, but experience says yes, this is true. Every woman I've met who was deeply attracted to me had an endless list of questions to ply me with. If they're not asking, you can be pretty sure they're not interested.

 

And even the shy ones, who may not ask in person, will use text or emails to compensate. So...no questions, no real interest in getting to know you.

We gotta carve that on a stone tablet somewhere.

 

Yup.  Smart women can smell a "he's looking for a warm body for the night" guy a mile away. 

 

Brag time: my little sister is just about to start grad school at my alma mater, and has gotten herself a part-time job at the mall at this new store.  Turns out, these people are unprofessional as fuck, not telling her when she has to work until literally 11pm the night before via text.  I mentioned it to my boyfriend and he was HORRIFIED.  Said, "Oh no, that won't do."  Without being asked, he made some calls and found out that the coffee shop on campus (a great place that he used to work at) is hiring, and passed the info along to my sister.  She's got an interview tomorrow at 11am.  To paraphrase Game of Thrones, I look at that guy sometimes and can't believe that he's real.  He cares so much about my family.

I did a thread search, but has anybody mentioned The Tao of Steve yet?  I remember it as not only an entertaining comedy, but some fairly relevant advice on dating.

 

But then again it's been awhile since I saw the movie.  OR went on a date...

I hate that f'ing movie.

I admit I may be off-base in my memories, but can you elaborate for my/the thread's benefit?

 

Really, I was like pretty immature when I saw it, so it may be immaturity I was relating to, but I value your point of view generally so fill me in.

It didn't have decebt advice on dating per say, more like decent advice on how to be a horrible self-destructive shithead. I found it demeaning and simplistic. Donal Logue is still awesome though.

I haven't seen it in over a decade but I remember my immediate reaction being "That was amateurish, obnoxious, boring, & terribly unfunny. Donal Logue still rules though".

OK then, mea culpa, for purposes of this thread The Tao of Steve is of questionable dating advice/comedic value, but by all accounts Donal Logue is still awesome/rules.

So after coming back from the solo bar hop:
Yeah it wasn't too bad at all. Didn't wake up with someone next to me, but I know that wasn't my ultimate goal. Just wanted to get out, have fun, and see how I did.

Basically, just chit chatted with randoms. Made a group pretty fast and chilled with them when I wasn't on the floor.

Now where maybe the issue is, I could start up conversations, but never could close the deal. I guess being out of the field for so long has hurt some of the mechanics. Women were just bouncing between guys like I was bouncing between women. Got the "well it was nice talken" or "well we're gonna get a drink." I think there was only one person I was actually meshing with really well, as we started talking about Mad Men, but then her friend pulled her away.

Step at a time. Now that you've some proven success in getting things started, you can shift energies and focus on other aspects.

The interfering friend.. we've all been there.

The cockblock is why I don't like approaching groups of women.  It's harder to find solos at bars and such so it makes it more difficult to find someone special.  But then again I don't do the bar scene anymore to find 'love' (or get laid)...dating sites are a godsend.

 

Speaking from enemy territory, this is why a wing-man is so valuable.  You approach a group solo, you will have to deal with cock-blocking, either out of genuine concern for their friend's safety or jealousy that they aren't being hit on.  It's also incredibly awkward if they are having a good time/in the midst of conversation and you barge over and throw everything off.  You must have at least one wing-man to entertain the others while you talk to the one.  This way, they are not all sitting around awkwardly staring at you, waiting for you to leave, and they don't feel left out in terms of getting some male attention.  Divide and conquer. 

 

And for the record, any woman who says "Ugh, I don't want to be hit on tonight!" is FULL OF SHIT.  You don't spend an hour on your fucking hair so that you won't get hit on.

Somewhere a pioneering feminist is spinning in her grave.

Kind of a reach. Any moderately attractive woman will get hit on even if she shows up at the bar in a fucking Garfield tee and sweatpants. I say this as a guy who would hit on said woman just because I'd likely admire her cavalier attitude.

 

My question is, apart from the good chat, did you create enough sexual tension? Did you touch her a lot? Was there good eye contact and body-language? The reason I'm asking is that I used to have a lot of similar experiences, and they were usually down to the fact that even though we had an intellectual chemistry, the sexual chemistry wasn't there.

 

The other possibility of course is that she's already found someone else, which considering the amount of dates people go on, is annoyingly common with internet dating.

 

Which is why, every now and then, when you get frustrated at situations like this, Art, you go on a date with someone from Plenty of Fish for the higher likelihood of first date sex.

This is the part where I grab a parasol, put on my pretty sundress, and admit that I'm not specifically looking to get laid. I'm looking for a partner. Sex is a big part of that of course but it's not my immediate goal. I just want to click with a pretty gal.

 

To answer your question, yeah, I was pretty on the ball with the flirting and the eye contact/body language was exquisitely positive throughout. But 10 minutes in, it was clear that there was no sexual tension to be had (she reminded me too much of my sister). That was ok because I went on the date primarily because she was really interesting &, since she was chasing ME, I wanted to go out without someone who'd actually WANTED to spend time in my company. Which is a nice change from the norm.

Update:

 

Well, she got back to me saying a couple days ago saying:

"Hi! I'm so sorry for the delay. Work has been crazy [she's a litigator].

I had a great time hanging out with you too. However, I've been thinking how unbelievably nervous I was, and it occurred to me that I'm not yet ready to start dating again [she'd mentioned having gone through a real nasty breakup two years ago].

 

Thanks for the dinner invite though.

I hope we can stay in touch."

 

Even though this a boiler plate blow-off, I wrote back saying that I didn't think there was any romantic chemistry on the date but that there was a ton of platonic chemistry & I thought that we'd be a good match in that regard. I agree that she probably just found someone else to go out with (this has been happening to me 9 timers out of 10 on OkC). Though, waiting until the day after our proposed 2nd outing to respond to my invitation is pretty inexcusable. The ball's in her court if she wants to be friends. I've since moved on.

Despite all of this bullshit, OkC is actually becoming kind of fun. I'm meeting some really cool & interesting ladies I'd otherwise never cross paths with.

 

That sucks, but is typical, and not to be dwelled upon.  One thing about dating sites is it becomes hard to lock somebody down because they have so many different options.  I tend to find meeting girls out and about is most effective...especially at parties.  Most of the girls I got serious with were from parties...it forces you to talk, notice any immediate chemistry, and the fact that you're liquored up and around lots of other people takes the pressure off.  But it entirely depends on the type of girl.  Some girls just like the attention and want to be seen and all that other bullshit.  Some girls show interest but there is something obviously holding them back (a lingering boyfriend, mental problems, etc)  But sometimes you will make a genuine connection.  I used to crash parties...just walk the neighborhood on a weekend and listen for the noise, and just pretend I know somebody there

 

"I'm Josh's friend"

 

"who?"

 

"you know, Brenda's brother"

 

...and they don't want to look like an idiot so they let it go...or people are so drunk they don't even notice you're there.  

 

Not ready to start dating because of a breakup that took place two years back?! That's the sort of nonsense that makes me appreciate the women who can be straightforward and admit that they simply aren't attracted to you.

Yeah, I wasn't attracted to her either so this one wasn't that big of a loss but, goddamn, am I sick of this "soft rejection" bullshit.

"I hope we can stay in touch"

 

No no no, Madam, thank you for nothing. [bows sarcastically]

 

That said, it would be cool to just be friends with her. We got on like a house on fire even if though there were no romantic sparks.

 

 

Rowr?

 

 

Yeah, the 'let's just be friends instead' thing rarely leads anywhere. This is dating, and as much as people don't like to admit it it's about looking for sexual chemistry above and beyond anything else. If that isn't there, there's rarely enough left to sustain people's interest, and what you're left with is a very hallf-arsed 'friend' who'll probably have lost interest within a couple of months.

 

It also links back to what Ambler said about people being hard to lock down because they have so many options, which I think is the key factor people have to keep in mind with online dating. Almost endless choice + effort-free contact = more potential for flakiness, and you find that most people are too caught up with the potential for romance from so many different directions to expend effort on platonic relations with someone with whom there's no sexual potential. You make these things easy enough, and people will get fickle; it's something you have to keep in mind at all times and wear like armour.

 

The more I do this, the more cynical I get yet the more I realize how that cynicism is kind of a vital tool with judicious use. Or is that just because I'm cynical?

"Cynicism", eh?

Dig this:

 

One reason I keep going back to the OkC well is because my brother met his WIFE via online dating a couple years ago. While not particularly charismatic or engaging, he went out with maybe 10 women (first dates only usually) before landing his girl. A sweet, good-looking, cool, & smart young lady. Apparently, when they met, they just knew.

"Success is buried in the garden of failure" as the old saying goes. Just gotta keep at it.

Christ Art, you've got more emotional stamina than me mate.

 

The question being begged then is how many women have you gone out with from there?

I've been on OkC for about 3 months. In that time, I've sent messages to around 15 women. Most go unanswered (though they usually check me out). Had conversations that went nowhere with 4. Gained 1 awesome penpal & 2 dates, both of which ended in uber-soft rejections. I'm still hung up on the first bird I'd gone out with & we speak rarely on FB. It's a weird situation.


Hey, I just had a really unique OkC experience today:

 

Saw a lovely woman (100% my type) for whom, on paper, I would be absolutely bloody perfect for. The exact same obscure & specific tastes & interests, right down the line. Simply uncanny.

One little problem...she loves Gone With The Wind and STRONGLY prefers men of her own race (I'm mixed black & white). So I write her a charming little letter that hits on our multitude of common points and such, ending with an invitation to chat over coffee.

Then I end with this:

 

"Oh wait...hmm...probably best to disregard the above. It appears that you're only looking to keep company with people of your own "race".

That's unfortunate, luv, I'm aces.

Yep, good luck with that."

Result? 30 minutes later, her account is fucking gone. Silly woman. Her bullshit hangups just denied her everything she'd been looking for (according to her profile anyway).

Damn this cursed melanin!

Well, maybe not 'cynicism' per se; maybe call it a heightened sense of guardedness combined with a freshly-tuned bullshit detector. The same as what you develop with dating of any kind, I guess.

 

Ah bugger it, serves me right for taking to long to post and neglecting the 'Quote' button...
 

Art, why on Earth are you even engaging racists / racial profilers / "stick-with-yer-own-peoples" in conversation at all? They aren't worth the effort, man. I don't care how many likes you have in common.

 

In fact, in my experience I'd rather go out with someone who doesn't have a lot of my same interests. I mean, what, are we going to talk about how awesome Anna Karenina is all day long? I've done that before and it's fucking really boring. Partners are supposed to compliment you and make you whole, not mirror you.

 

Anyway, just my wine-soaked two cents! USA! USA!

Too true, Blacky.

While I did hold a smidgen of hope that she might make an exception for me (I know, I know but she was 100% my type physically), she was very specific toward the detailing of the exact kind of guy she was looking for.

I felt it my duty to demonstrate to this nitwit that the man she was looking for existed...in spades...and that he was colored.

My only regret is that I chose not to include this sentence:

"Did a Negro slap an ice cream cone out of your hand as a child?"

 

Yup yup.  A date is the same as a job interview.  If questions aren't being asked, the prospective employee/mate isn't really interested.

Well, we got my stuff all moved in.  Going out today to buy a new bedroom set, so it will be fun.

 

Yesterday was interesting, went by her family for the 4th, and I am now engaged. 

She asked me.

 

So, in the last two weeks, I have moved, got a lucrative job offer, and am now engaged.  To say my head is spinning is an understatement.  Spinning in a good way. 

 

I was having some amazing back and forths with a STUNNER on OKcupid last week...I was really shocked she seemed into me.  I'm out of town right now so we couldn't immediately go out.  We hadn't messged in a while and I went to write her a message and her account was GONE.  Doh.

Gone, because she took it down, or gone because OKcupid found out the user was using photos found on google image search?

 

They don't tell you.  It's just gone.  My only contact with her was through the messaging system, so I have no way of knowing.

Yeah, the profiles of a lot of amazingly hot women are fake.

 

 

No wonder you've been frustrated. I'm not saying lower your standards but online dating is a numbers game. When I'm serious into it I message about 20 women A DAY.

 

See, you should have written something like "oh, one Good News/Bad news thing. Bad News: I'm half Black. The Good News: it's...the good half"

Decade, that's rough, man. I was going to say there is nothing inherently prejudiced about being attracted to one race more than another (it's bio chemistry, not something you have control over), but the 'Gone with the Wind" comment is very sketchy in that context. You're probably not missing anything. This person was probably a racist.

 

Exactly. I signed up for some sites a few months back, spent a few days writing personalized messages to dozens of women, and I'm still reaping the benefits. It's all about the math.

 

That's awesome! 

Just adding in a congrats to Pete! Fantastic news, my friend.

 

Fuck yeah! congratulations man, really happy for you. You deserve it.
 

 

Goddammit, man, that would've been perfect! Hahaha!

 

Despite that unfortunate business with the KKK bird, OkC more than made up for it a couple hours later when a sexy 25 year old musician girl messaged me out of the blue. We made jokes & talked shop for a couple hours & agreed to chat again tonight. I'm gonna angle for a date this weekend.
 

 

While I'm not a fan of marriage in general...it's good that you've found someone.  Congrats.