Dating Tips/Advice - Page 22

I think I may contact them and offer them seed money for a U.S. version.

 

Top Carrots

Fuck I hate OKCupid so much. I think I have had the worst luck on there possible, success wise. Written 101 people. I've gotten 7 dates total from the 16 people that have actually written back.

Based on an unexpected chance to go out with someone this week, let me reiterate an important component to meeting someone:

 

Trust yourself. Call it your gut, your intuition. If something isn't working - especially in the very early stages - chances of it getting better or going away approach zero.

 

Also: just backing up that friends/coworkers can be the worst people to set you up with someone.

 

I had told myself I was out of the dating scene for a long time, and last night just reinforced that I was correct in that. No desire to repeat it any time soon. I'll take an actively bad, crash-and-burn date over a ho-hum mediocre time. 

 

OK Cupid makes me have high school flashbacks. Can you imagine having interests so different from the rest of your peers that you don't qualify even as a nerd? I seem to be completely out of tune with interests of Greek women in my age group.

 

What are you writing exactly? Are your pics particularly flattering?

 

The above ratio seems fairly average for online dating. I've sent 30-50 messages. Maybe got 5 or 6 conversations that went nowhere out of it. Only ONE date from a msg I'd actually sent. The other two dates were women who'd messaged me first.

Even with all of that, I'm still having fun with the site (which is something that you have to learn how to do with this shite).

Hey, at least he's white.

and a Pert Plus kind of guy!

So I've been dating this girl on and off for a little while and can't tell for the life of me if she's actually interested or not. Now normally that wouldn't phase, but fuck it I really fucking like this one. I can't tell if she's not interested, humouring me, or just a gemini that runs hot and cold. Thing is I like her enough that I want to find out. She's spikey and cynical and funny and creative and interesting. Very very sexy too. The trick is not turning into Woody Allen about it.

 

Is this the one who lives a street or two over from you or am I thinking of another Chewer dating in such close proximity to their home?

 

I'm not sure, let me check the "Chewer Choo-Choose Me International Love Map".

Nah she and I went our separate ways as she was getting very attached rather quick and I think she gave herself a fright a little - the living so close freaked us both out a bit as well I think.

The stripper?

Is there something preventing you from just asking her how she feels about you?

 

I dunno, RD. I'm sort of defaulting into Harley mode here: if you have serious uncertainty about how into you she is, I think that's sort of answering your own question. I could be completely wrong, though. Ask her.

 

Nah after her (shit I have been busy). This lass cancelled a couple of first dates and then we finally had one and I had a really weird energy going into it (had just gone my separate ways with the girl around the corner about an hour beforehand) - thing is she called me on it after the date and essentially said "what was that? Were you nervous and trying too hard or are you always on?" - now most girls just wouldn't even bother telling you that and I have a terrible weakness for strong women that can see through my bullshit, so that just kinda grabbed me even more. We've seen each other twice since then with a lot of cancellations in between (on both sides to be fair) and we seem to get along really well.

 

This could all very well be me too. When I like a lass I have a whole world of ticks and pecadillos arise based on the old days of me being a love sick puppy stuck in the friend zone over and over. As a consequence, I can't really feel relaxed until I get a real sense that the person I'm pursuing really is interested. I simply won't open myself up to someone who's not feeling it anymore. I promised myself that when I became single again.

 

So yeah, when they like me it's fun and easy, if I like them and they're a bit distant, I start to go a little twitchy.

 

It feels a bit like being a teenager with a crush again, I simultaneously love and despise that I feel this way.

I am a tiny bit jealous of all you that are having success in the dating world. Good for you guys! I myself, am not having any success at all. Can't even get a message back on okcupid it seems.

 

It took months for me to get responses Dylan, and then even when I have the women I've actually met have been a mixed bag. Some fun, some nuts, some really not my cuppa.

 

...and then you might find yourself really liking one of them and a whole new world of nonsense begins.

 

Fuckin dating.

 

But that's what this threads for dude, it's okay Cornelius, you can cry.

 

 

One good way to find out if she's into you. You guys have been out three times, I'd say it's time to make a move, wouldn't you?

 

I got your back brother. Let's hug it out.

 

Would you go out with a girl three times, if you weren't interested?   She obviously is.  Thing is, and I know it's hard, don't get stressed out about it.  Doing that, is just going to make things worse, much worse.  I know this is cliche, but it's true, if it's meant to be it will be.

 

One girl I dated before I got married, first couple dates, I was on fire.  I was charming, and confident and my goal was just to go out and have a good time.  But by the time the 5th date happened, I started to really want our relationship to go to the next level.  Then I started worrying.  "does she really like me, or is she just having a good time".  "I really like this girl, I have met no one like this before, I have to make this work".  Before long, the confident, charming me was gone, and I transformed into this guy who was worried all the time.  She ended up calling it off with me a few weeks later.  She said that she had no idea what happened to me, that she really liked the guy she first started dating, but then I turned into a wet blanket. 

Earlier this year I was chatting up a girl I'd met on a site, and we really hit it off. I was excited to find someone so compatible right in my area. Then it I learned that not only was she in my area, she lived not more than 100 ft from my door. I could literally look out my window and see her house. As soon as she realized we were neighbors she started going on about how we could bike together every morning, and how we should go get coffee and hang out right now, and I got spooked. I feel kind of bad about it, but it just freaked me out. 

 

There's interested, and there's interested. I don't think the spectrum of romantic attraction contains only two shades. I'm surmising RD is really into this woman, and has hopes/interest in developing something deeper and fuller. Her signals about returning that level of interest are mixed, at best.

 

And yes, sometimes it's taken me a few dates to get a firm bead on whether I really like a woman (as in, willing to emotionally invest and commit to getting to know her better). Sometimes people date because they're lonely, not in love. Or the other person represents the most convenient companion at the time. Or a lot of other reasons that don't require reciprocal interest and affection. 

 

RD, I think you should ask, as nonchalantly but directly as you can. Not to corner her or give her an ultimatum, but simply so you know the terrain and can make good decisions for yourself.

I'm in that awkward phase between "can't look, spoken for" and "oh yeah, not spoken for."  I'm not looking forward to any of this at all.

 

Been there. Probably the best thing you can do - when you're ready - is some kind of trial by fire. Speed dating.  A blind date set up by friends or family. Something focused and where you're a bit of your comfort zone.  But not with the intent of actually starting something, romantically or sexually. Simply for the experience and getting into that mental space of "I'm available, and here's what I'm looking for."

 

Or not. It all depends on the person. I found going out on a few dates simply to get a feel for it really helpful in adjusting my mindset, especially when my expectations for something great to come out of it were zero.

 

I've been in this situation before and it sucks.  I'd rather go on a bad date and end it right there or a great one and we get romantic immediately.  The in between stuff is what I have trouble with because you're off balance.  The problem is, if it's a date date, then there's no reason to go on three of them and not know where you're at.  That's pretty silly.  We all know what dating is for, and women are not excluded from that, and it generally shouldn't take three dates to find out whether or not you like somebody.  If she just wants to be friends, she should tell you that sooner rather than later.  I generally find these kinds of girls like you, but either have other dudes on the side and is dating around, or they want to be friends, or they're just lonely.  None of these seem to indicate you're not wasting your time if your goal is to get romantic.  So I would ask her point blank how she feels about you with the setup being "so, we've been on a few dates and seem to be getting along...".  Or instead, you can simply make a move and see how she reacts.  

I was out of town on business earlier this week and met a cute, bespectacled blonde in the hotel bar. She's from Mississippi, a former college cheerleader, and the way she pronounced "mojito" made me fall madly in love with her immediately. We started chatting and hit it off. She'd studied abroad in Costa Rica and to test my Spanish-speaking skills (had to take three years of a foreign language in high school), she said she wanted to go to bed with me in Espanol.

 

Have I mentioned that THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME IN REAL LIFE, EVER?

 

So as I'm drafting a letter to "Penthouse" in my head, her fucking Dad came into the bar and asked when she'd be heading up to their room. She told him it'd be a couple minutes. Then her old man left, satisfied that he'd completely cockblocked me.

 

I'm glad to be home.

Sorry, Bradito, but I have to do this....

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

That is the moment where you suggest, in Spanish, that as long as she has a few minutes you two make for the nearest coat closet, discreet bathroom stall or suitable hideout. Dad gave you a window, you should have run with it.

 

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. But seriously, women...amirite?

Yeah that's fucking hilarious. Cockblocked by the dad. I second the "BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"

Fuck fuck FUCK.

 

Another date. Another "friend zone" foul ball. FUCK. Once again, a girl contacts me outta the blue on OkC , we chat for a couple weeks, she's all excited, we finally meet & have a good time for a couple hours. At the end, she says "I had a real nice time". Everybody's all-smiles & a 2nd date seems guaranteed.

 

This has happened twice before. The signs are all too familiar. I'm not gonna hear from this chick again. Perhaps I'm just a boring guy?

 

The "Friend Zone"

 

 

...or she could be a flighty gemeni? Or her cat just died? Or she's suddenly been struck down with lupis?

 

It could be all sorts of things, don't drag the baggage from the last chick into this situation - they are not the same girl regardless of any surface similarities in how things have gone thus far.

 

Oh and...

 

 

Calm the Woody Allens Otis, you're fucking Superfly.

 

 

 

Regarding the lass I was discussing above, I haven't seen her yet, she got tonsilitis and I've had my life turn utterly upside down in the last 48 hours (long story won't bore all), so we've not caught up. Next time I see her tho something eithers going to happen or come to light, or I think we're done, I can't keep up with hot and cold.

 

I'll casually make a move and if it's rebuffed that should tell me everything I need to know.

So lifea a funny thing. Just got a message from the girl saying how nice and smart and funny I am and how shed love to be friends but isnt interested in me romantically. So now Im there in the zone myself. I told her shes a grat girl but didnt think I could do the friend thing as Im already pretty into her and couldnt see myself emotionally back pedalling now. So thats that

 

The timing and irony is crushing, they come not in single spies, but in battalions.

 

 

Aah, isn't it always the ones who drag it out the longest who have the worst timing when it comes to dropping the axe? Sorry to hear it, man. I've been in very similar situations before and it's never a pleasant thing, especially when you realize that they've probably known it was never going to happen for a while and they've kept schtum for whatever reason. Turning down the friendship offer was the best move you could make, though; it's so tempting because you want to keep that person around, but it's a friendship that is a) a compromise from the start, and b) is usually way more important to you than it turns out to be for them. 

 

Hope you're good, though. If you need to vent, drop me a line and I'll buy you a brew.

 

still plugging away here - you know what's starting to get really, really old? Messaging people who send back some dashed-off reply saying that they're oh so busy and promising to send a proper reply later, but never actually doing it even though they seem to be online every five minutes. The way I see it, decide if you want to talk more and then message me; if not, can the conversational feinting and just don't reply. I'd rather be ignored than have my time wasted.

Edited by Workyticket - 7/16/12 at 2:43am

Sorry to hear that Rain Dog!

 

 

Dude, if there's anything I can tell about you from this forum with complete certainty, it's that you're not a boring guy. This is part of why I'm always recommending ppl to go for the meeting sooner rather than later. Because, apart from ascertaining that the other person isn't a serial killer, chatting online means nothing. You might spend 3 weeks getting to know each other, but within 5 minutes of meeting you realize that it's not going to work and all that time is shot to hell.

Agree with Edi on this one. It's really not your fault at all Art, it just happens this way sometimes. I've talked before about how I'm firmly in the 'meet as soon as you seem to be getting on' camp, because  there's an inherent safety in online chat that often has little to do with chemistry in person. Online, you can develop whatever idea of a person most tickles your fancy, but reality doesn't always live up to it (Which is I think why a lot of people seem more interested in the online stuff than actually meeting). Anyway, I'm a firm believer that sexual chemistry is also a lot to do with momentum, and there's an 'optimal moment' for attraction that can be lost if people drag out the online part too long. The emails, chat etc are great tools for establishing basic connections, but meeting face to face is always the acid test - and realistically, you have to do that two or three times at least before you can start trusting that someone's genuinely interested.

I know we've had some sharp disagreements on the topic, but everything I've read here reinforces what I've said (and what Evi and Worky say above) before: meet as soon as you can. That's the whole point, isn't? Or, at least, isn't the point trying to meet people who are genuinely interested in meeting and seeing if there's potential for something to grow? Any woman who actively held off meeting after a fair number of promising exchanges is going to be raising major red flags for me, should I get back into the online dating scene. Endless emails, chats and text messages aren't my goal, and there's just too much you can't tell from distance communications. 

 

If I have a number substantial, fun and truly interesting exchanges - especially within a short time, like, say, 3-4 days - with a woman and she demonstrates no willingness to meet in a safe, public place simply to continue the conversation, I will remind myself of this thread and move on.

 

I'm also going to remember what Harley said: if the woman is truly interested, there shouldn't be confusing or consistently mixed messages from her actions and words. If I like someone, I'm going to show it. I'll expect the same.

 

Sorry to my CHUD brothers for the games being played. It sucks. 

I will be the voice of dissent here and say that Art is probably a Baxter. Rain Dog too.

Oh, now, y'see, we're getting into the whole 'Nice Guy' debate, which is completely its own can of worms...

 

If this is true, then it may be a matter of time for them both. As women get older - read: past late 20s/early 30s - the ones worth being with let go of their bad boy fantasies and realize a man who treats them well, consistently, and genuinely respects them is rarer and better than the man who reminds them of the hot guy from shop class in high school.

 

At the same time, let's invoke the Book of Harley, Chapter 3, verse 10: Women dig confidence and competence. 

 

It's a tough line to walk.

 

I wouldn't be too quick to come to a conclusion here, this could literally go anywhere.  And sometimes the perfect person is staring someone in the face but they're not ready for them...too much baggage or they're too distracted (I mean the girl, not you).  The online dating thing kind of sucks because girls get a disproportionate amount of messages from guys, which can blind them from somebody who is really for them.  Combine that with all the times they get hit on when they leave the house and you have a person who is not living in reality (it's so not healthy to have that much attention, like Matt Damon said).  That's a terrible generalization, but I'm tempted to believe it.

 

That sucks, sorry to hear it. 

 

Fortunately I have a loner mentality and don't mind too much being alone.  But there are times when I wish I was in a relationship.  But I try not to get too desperate and just focus on what's in front of me.  The right one WILL come along if you're not too caught up in trying to find them.  It's a fucked up, ironic twist, but it seems to be how it usually happens.  This may not suit you but I recommend being a serial dater (not trying to find the ONE, just having a good time with good company) until the right one comes along, because basically it's a number's game.

 

Yeah I tend to gravitate to older women (to be honest I'm kind of obsessed with older women, older being 29-45) because there is a distinct lack of game playing and bullshit, for the most part.  Especially in LA, the younger girls (like younger guys), which are like 19-27 tend to be more shallow, empty, distracted, and boring and haven't seem to have worked out their adult issues yet (quarter-life crisis).

 

Shit, man, I'm sorry. That sucks so hard. Just remember that the problem is her not you. You're aces & some chicks just plain don't like to win.

Whenever I get rejected, the first & only thing I do is begin to look for my next target. The best salve for this kind of hurt is finding a new girl of interest who'll make the previous girl look like bullshit. This is one reason I keep going back to the OkC well.

Chin up, chum, you deserve the best. And she weren't it.

Edited by Art Decade - 7/16/12 at 11:44am

Thank you once again, kind gents, for your thoughtful insights.

We've touched on the whole "meet ASAP" thing before & that's been my OkC MO for about a month now. I've been asking birds out for a drink after the first 2-3 msgs. This new one was busy last weekend so we had to wait.

"If the woman is truly interested, there shouldn't be confusing or consistently mixed messages from her actions and words."

 

While entirely true, I do wonder if & how much this applies to a first meeting via online dating (which is more of an investigation than a capitalization on genuine attraction).
Point being, that there might've been exceptions in play on this particular date: I'm a reserved guy, so she may have had a hard time reading me. Maybe she's the same? How much did mutual nervousness & general uncertainty play into it all? I don't know.

Honestly, I don't know how I would've determined this chick's interest. She was both touchy-feely (rolling up my sleeve to check out my tattoo upon first meeting, then later sitting distant from me when chatting while being simultaneously engaged). All I have to go on is our final exchange when I said, "I never know what to expect from these things but I had good time. I hope you did too."

She looked straight at me, smiling, and said, "I DID! I sent you my phone number on OkC". She gave me a polite hug & took off.

This may seem like a good thing but, with her being a singer, I'd suggested earlier that she try out for my band. With that in play, I don't know if or how she may still be interested. As a potential romantic suitor? As a buddy? Or as a nice guy with whom she might be able to play music with? I've no clue. But I DO think that there's potential for more if - and only IF - she & I hang out more. That's the crux here.

Edited by Art Decade - 7/16/12 at 12:51pm

 

First meeting, you're still feeling each other out.  After that, clear signals will be sent.  Mixed signals are clear signals to move the fuck on.  

 

When you two are all No Doubt level stars bitching at each other in your music then don't forget the little people, Art.

 

"You see, "Dating" eez a zero sum game. Zhere is little room for error & miscommunication when one party is immediately inconsistent. To survive zhis onslaught of emotional disruption, one must be hammer into anvil. A cold & uncaring shark devoid of hope or doubt that recognizes rancidity in it's prey prior to any determination that it is indeed prey at all".

 

"Mixed signals? Never heard of that. I say that if the girl doesn't touch your pee-pee in the first 45 minutes, you kick her out of the car, throw her a dime & let Ma Bell drive her back to the farm"
 

"Yes. Zhat is harsh but necessary"

Edited by Art Decade - 7/16/12 at 7:20pm

Are mixed signals really a sign to move on? If you're getting some good signals, that has to be a good sign. I'm always giving mixed signals whenever I'm involved with someone. Sometimes I just prefer to be by myself and am not looking to chat or go on a date. Doesn't mean I don't like the last date I went on.

 

See, this is what I don't get. How could any girl resist this?

 

(Just to be clear, I'm not being sarcastic. You rock, and your post right here just goes to prove it yet again.  )