Dating Tips/Advice - Page 4

A better question: how do women pee??!?! They have NO PENISES!!! :o

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

Ohhhhh! THAT'S what those are for!

 

Goddamn, I feel like an idiot. (Piss off, nooj!)

The fuck did you think they were for?!   Oh, Chris.  Chris, Chris, Chris. 

They can be. But that's the advanced class, we need to get you accepted to the school first, son.

What he said.

Enjoy mate, and pay close attention. You're about to learn stuff that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

Won't resent!

Won't despair!

Old and bent!  I won't care!

I'll have

SPENT!

ONE!

DAAAAY!

OUT... THEEEEEEEEERE!!!

(have fun, Chris!)

Seriously Chris, you need to educate yourself about sex, self-inflicted and otherwise.  The more you know about this, the more comfortable and confident you are going to be about it when the time comes.  I did't bat an eye when you said you were a 21-year old virgin, but the fact that you do not even know how a woman masturbates tells me that you've got some books to read before you even think about asking a woman out again.  I'm not saying this to embarrass you.  I'm saying this to save you from embarrassing yourself when you finally get a woman in bed.  Fucking hell.

Pfft. I'm all handpowered.

Also, Chris, it's a little known fact - but most commercially made 'massagers' are in fact, vibrators and toys meant for stimulation of female genitalia. It's one of those open secrets.

Girls can get all the stimulation equipment they need at Target or Walmart, but guys? It's the mail order catalog or online for the fleshlight, blow up doll, etc. Once again, girls have it made.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarleyQuinn22 

Seriously Chris, you need to educate yourself about sex, self-inflicted and otherwise.  The more you know about this, the more comfortable and confident you are going to be about it when the time comes.  I did't bat an eye when you said you were a 21-year old virgin, but the fact that you do not even know how a woman masturbates tells me that you've got some books to read before you even think about asking a woman out again.  I'm not saying this to embarrass you.  I'm saying this to save you from embarrassing yourself when you finally get a woman in bed.  Fucking hell.

Sex and dating don't have to go hand-in-hand. This seems excessively negative and emasculating. Everybody is acting like this kid is on a mission to stick it to the first reasonably attractive girl he meets. He's not going on sex Jeopardy, he's trying to get a date. People don't seem to understand that shit like this makes a nervous person even more nervous. Now not only is he going to be nervous about asking a girl out, he's going to be trying to remember Section 9 Clause 3 of the Guide to Female Orgasm and sweating like a pig. 

Chris, go at your own pace, man. If the thread has made you genuinely curious and you want to do some research, by all means go ahead and do it... but don't think a potential Friday night date is going to turn down your offer to get dinner and play a round of mini-golf because she can look in your eyes and divine that you haven't watched the entire Better Sex series on DVD. Be you. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rene (Mr.Eko) 

Girls can get all the stimulation equipment they need at Target or Walmart, but guys? It's the mail order catalog or online for the fleshlight, blow up doll, etc. Once again, girls have it made.

I just don't understand the fleshlight phenomenon. I can't imagine someone finding that fucking thing. I can't imagine getting it out and lubing it up and then the potential cleanup afterward. I can't imagine paying near $100 for the damn thing. 

I suppose I will stick with my hands, and will never know how real the Ultra Real Fleshlight actually feels. 

Does this book exist and where can I get it?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

Sex and dating don't have to go hand-in-hand. This seems excessively negative and emasculating. Everybody is acting like this kid is on a mission to stick it to the first reasonably attractive girl he meets. He's not going on sex Jeopardy, he's trying to get a date. People don't seem to understand that shit like this makes a nervous person even more nervous. Now not only is he going to be nervous about asking a girl out, he's going to be trying to remember Section 9 Clause 3 of the Guide to Female Orgasm and sweating like a pig. 

 

Well, nobody's saying that. It's not a race or a test. We're just pointing Chris in the direction of some good information so when it does happen, as it will at the right time, he has a bit extra knowledge on his side.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Workyticket 

 

 

Well, nobody's saying that. It's not a race or a test. We're just pointing Chris in the direction of some good information so when it does happen, as it will at the right time, he has a bit extra knowledge on his side.

"I did't bat an eye when you said you were a 21-year old virgin, but the fact that you do not even know how a woman masturbates tells me that you've got some books to read before you even think about asking a woman out again."

That's not exactly in line with what you're saying, though.

For the record, I wasn't intending to emasculate Chris at ALL, and I don't think he took it that way.  I was simply trying to suggest that if he's a bit more knowledgeable about sex, it'll be one less thing for him to stress about when he does meet the right gal.  He's clearly not 100% comfy and confident with the whole dating thing.  Otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.  Dating and sex DO go hand-in-hand if you stay with one person long enough.  Not knowing what to do or how sex works is going to lead to awkwardness, discomfort, and a lack of confidence that can have long-reaching ramifications.  All I was suggesting is that he nip that in the bud by educating himself before he tries to start something with a woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayward_Woman 

Pfft. I'm all handpowered.

This needs to become the call sign under you're username.

Chris, if it makes you feel better, I was 18 before I found out women were NOT artificially inseminated with a turkey baster and a cup of room-temperatured semen. That was an awkward day in Advanced Biology...

Not sure how much porn you watch, Chris, but you should watch more.  And take notes.  Porn is typically very representative of the modern sexual relationship.  Whatever you see women enjoying in porn, women you manage to bed will enjoy as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm 

Not sure how much porn you watch, Chris, but you should watch more.  And take notes.  Porn is typically very representative of the modern sexual relationship.  Whatever you see women enjoying in porn, women you manage to bed will enjoy as well.

Another reply that's much more true than intended. I don't really watch porn anymore but used to be quite into it, so that's where I got all my initial moves, and apart from some silly whacking-off-on-the-face stuff, it was a great help.

Judging by how well my second date went last night with the new woman I'm seeing, I think I'll be watching lots of porn in the near future.

This tends to be a recurring theme in my dating life: the sophomore slump. I'll have a first date that goes so well, it almost seems scripted. No missteps, no misunderstandings, no miscommunications. I'm at the top of my game. Every one of my jokes lands. We talk until 3 in the morning. Everything clicks.

Then, on the second date the bottom falls out. Right from the start, everything feels off. I'm five minutes late, even though I'm never late. She seems distracted, distant. Our conversations keep veering into directions I'd rather they not go. It's too serious. It's not fun anymore. I feel like I'm digging myself in a hole.

I came home last night feeling depressed, like I didn't want to see this person anymore. I do like her, but I feel as though I'm not where I need to be, or who I need to be, to really make her happy.

So the vibrator isn't supposed to go up my ass, is what you all are telling me? 

Someone once told me that before I could live with anyone else, I needed to learn to live myself. It was the single greatest relationship advice I have ever received. Can you live with yourself, Bradito? It sounds like maybe some of these problems you describe are internal and not external. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackyShimSham 

 

Someone once told me that before I could live with anyone else, I needed to learn to live myself. It was the single greatest relationship advice I have ever received. Can you live with yourself, Bradito? It sounds like maybe some of these problems you describe are internal and not external. 

To be honest, sometimes it's a struggle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bradito 

Judging by how well my second date went last night with the new woman I'm seeing, I think I'll be watching lots of porn in the near future.

 

This tends to be a recurring theme in my dating life: the sophomore slump. I'll have a first date that goes so well, it almost seems scripted. No missteps, no misunderstandings, no miscommunications. I'm at the top of my game. Every one of my jokes lands. We talk until 3 in the morning. Everything clicks.

 

Then, on the second date the bottom falls out. Right from the start, everything feels off. I'm five minutes late, even though I'm never late. She seems distracted, distant. Our conversations keep veering into directions I'd rather they not go. It's too serious. It's not fun anymore. I feel like I'm digging myself in a hole.

 

I came home last night feeling depressed, like I didn't want to see this person anymore. I do like her, but I feel as though I'm not where I need to be, or who I need to be, to really make her happy.

Sticking with the theme of the derail, it sounds like you are, uh, shooting your load too early.  Save some of that personality for the second and third dates.  End things at 11 instead of 3.

I'm not sure that goes far enough.  Look, it's no secret that women love a "project", and will only remain interested if they feel like they can change you in some way moving forward.  That's why I try to make at least one bilious, unprovoked slur at an ethnic and/or religious minority on the first date.  Then when I don't make any on the second date, she feels like she's improving me already.

Safe words are definitely first date conversation.

Chris, might I suggest a more amateur approach to your porn watching? Don't go for the "high" (using the term loosely) production value porn shoots. There are a lot of regular everyday people out there who, for whatever (blessed) reason, upload videos of them doing it. They aren't coached and while there is the voyeuristic angle of it, they're generally people who at least have known each other for more than 2 hours. Also, less silicone. Waaaay less silicone. And by god, some of the women actually seem to enjoy it.

what the fuck is a fleshlight?  A flashlight you stick your cock in?  Who in their right mind would be into that?

Fuck, I feel simultaneously old and naive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

Regarding porn: I really don't watch the heavy stuff. Most of the stuff I'm into is what you'd find in our boobs thread over in the Sex forum. I've tried to watch it, but I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to take a shower after watching the explicit stuff.

 

There's also the fact that the cinephile part of my brain keeps screaming "This acting sucks! The dialogue is awful! The plot is nonexistent!", even when I realize that is far from the point.

If you're looking for something less misogynistic and with a modicum of cinematic competency (and don't mind heavy Easter Bloc accents), seek out the works of Viv Thomas.  

But seriously, don't look to porn for any lessons in how to interact with women.  Use it like a responsible adult: as an alternative to stress eating or way to kill time during boring conference calls.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

Again, I think this might be an area where I'll have to do a little research (already looked at the clitoris Wikipedia article, for instance).

 

 

Oh you poor kid...Wikipedia may be the only less reliable source for sexual advice than a message board full of movie geeks.

Speaking of, chewers, I'm impressed that the "Dating Advice" thread got into the third page before completely devolving into the "Here's The Porn I Like Best" thread.  Good show, nerds!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy Bain 

what the fuck is a fleshlight?  A flashlight you stick your cock in?  

 

 

That's exactly what it is. You'll be happy to know there is also a device that straps the fleshlight to your iPad. I'll let you determine why. I think I saw these posted somewhere on CHUD. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Spider 

Eh, I've seen some of that too and it's just... I dunno, it doesn't do anything for me.

 

Again, I think this might be an area where I'll have to do a little research (already looked at the clitoris Wikipedia article, for instance).

 

 

While for some strange reason it doesn't turn me on as many others, from a purely technical standpoint, it's a good idea to take some time out to watch a little girl on girl action. No man knows the exact pleasure centers of a womans body better than another woman so there's tips galore to be found. That also takes out any uncomfortable misogyny that can sometimes arise in boy-girl efforts.

You should follow Louis CK's advice of just not giving a fuck. Don't hunt fucking. Don't wish to fuck. Don't long for it. And most of all, don't put on a role to achieve it. It's not worth it. And don't try it drunk, not worth it. You don't need to get it over with.

I'm not saying you should wait for THE one, but for one that fits you. You need to feel comfortable with her, not weak, not scared shitless, not helpless. And when it's new to you, it should be cool to admit that. So you haven't had sex. Who gives a? Better to sleep with 3 fine women in your lif ethan with 30 cunts. Might even take her fear, might make it interesting to conquer you. Just don't pretend to be anything you're not.

Next time you're somewhere with hot chicks try not to think about wanting to bang them sideways. Cut that off and just enjoy yourself. You'll notice a difference if you're not actively longing for companionship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chris Myers 

You should follow Louis CK's advice of just not giving a fuck. Don't hunt fucking. Don't wish to fuck. Don't long for it. And most of all, don't put on a role to achieve it. It's not worth it. And don't try it drunk, not worth it. You don't need to get it over with.

 

weirdly enough that's how I ended up married.

After having my heart shattered and stomped for the umpteenth time I found myself in a very dark place emotionally.  I decided "fuck women, fuck fucking, I'm not even going to look for it".  I then had a year to myself, where I wouldn't even speak to a female I didn't already know, got a decent job, went on my first holiday overseas (I'm not suggesting this is related by the way) and had an epiphanic moment while seated on the edge of Ngorongoro crater watching the sun come up.  

Basically it was "whatever has happened in your life, good or bad, has led you here, to the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, time to open yourself up again"

When I got home I got the train from London back to Edinburgh (smoking compartment since you're guaranteed to get a seat) and while sitting there this kiwi chick rocks up to me and asks for a light.  Because of my "open yourself up", decision I actually talked to her (but wasn't looking for anything more, it was more a "be friendly to women again" thing).  Four months later we were an item, two years later we were married, and now here we are, about to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary.

Life finds a way :)

EDITED for clarity.

This is true! I find my most meaningful relationships when I'm not even looking!

I've never found it absurdly difficult to please a woman. You're a dude, you're going to get off no matter what, so focus on her and you're golden. By all means, do your research if you want, but for god's sake don't take anything you see in mainstream porn to heart. I don't know where these people are coming from. 

Women don't want you to turn your hips weird ways (they do that to highlight the penetration for the camera), they don't want you to do weird shit like stick your tongue out and flip it up and down and go "uuunnnnnggghhh" while you're fucking them, and they definitely don't want you to suddenly ram yourself into their ass on a whim, or step on their head. Porn is popular because men like the idea that women are turned on by them in all their weirdness or awkwardness. 

The amateur stuff might be better, I guess. Maybe that's not SUCH terrible advice, but from my modest total I can tell you every woman is different, much the way every vehicle drives a different way. Just because something works for a girl in a video doesn't mean your potential hypothetical lover isn't going to be like "what the FUCK are you doing?!". Every girl you bed, you have to start learning again, aside from basic human anatomy and physiology. It's a mindset, more than a skill set. And while you're just starting out, having your mind in the right place at the beginning will be a huge help.

Again, be you, not some muscley pornstar with a bad haircut. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

I've never found it absurdly difficult to please a woman. You're a dude, you're going to get off no matter what, so focus on her and you're golden. 

This is a seemingly obvious ethos that it turns out plenty of my pathetic gender seem to have completely missed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rain Dog 

This is a seemingly obvious ethos that it turns out plenty of my pathetic gender seem to have completely missed.

This is something I will never understand. I don't even know what constitutes "bad sex". 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

This is something I will never understand. I don't even know what constitutes "bad sex". 

For me, the girl not reaching orgasm at least once qualifies. Other than that well, as you said, we can get off from bloody spa jets and bumpy bus rides, we'll be fine.

A guy that is only interested in his own pleasure during sex may as well be Lars.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

I've never found it absurdly difficult to please a woman. You're a dude, you're going to get off no matter what, so focus on her and you're golden. By all means, do your research if you want, but for god's sake don't take anything you see in mainstream porn to heart. I don't know where these people are coming from. 

 

Women don't want you to turn your hips weird ways (they do that to highlight the penetration for the camera), they don't want you to do weird shit like stick your tongue out and flip it up and down and go "uuunnnnnggghhh" while you're fucking them, and they definitely don't want you to suddenly ram yourself into their ass on a whim, or step on their head. Porn is popular because men like the idea that women are turned on by them in all their weirdness or awkwardness. 

 

The amateur stuff might be better, I guess. Maybe that's not SUCH terrible advice, but from my modest total I can tell you every woman is different, much the way every vehicle drives a different way. Just because something works for a girl in a video doesn't mean your potential hypothetical lover isn't going to be like "what the FUCK are you doing?!". Every girl you bed, you have to start learning again, aside from basic human anatomy and physiology. It's a mindset, more than a skill set. And while you're just starting out, having your mind in the right place at the beginning will be a huge help.

 

Again, be you, not some muscley pornstar with a bad haircut. 

If you have to explain the joke....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

This is something I will never understand. I don't even know what constitutes "bad sex". 

Bad sex for me was the "I got mine" girl I mentioned in another thread who was done after her one orgasm.  I wasn't anywhere close to being done and she called it a night.  Incompatibility like that can ruin the other hellcat nature of the acts that are going on.

The windowsill girl I picked up in the Atlanta Braves parking lot leaving a game who it was obvious I was her second or third attempt at the deed.  Just clumsy fumbling to try and be good on her part.  That was bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Rain Dog 

For me, the girl not reaching orgasm at least once qualifies. Other than that well, as you said, we can get off from bloody spa jets and bumpy bus rides, we'll be fine.

 

A guy that is only interested in his own pleasure during sex may as well be Lars.

That's what I mean, that's what I don't get. I can't imagine how good it could be or how much fun it could be to be with a woman who wasn't enjoying herself. Seems like it'd suck. Seems like you'd be able to tell, and it would make you (me) feel awful. It seems like it would have to boil down to sex with someone you don't really care about, which does not compute for me. 
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm 

If you have to explain the joke....

I don't think everyone was joking, that's the problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hybris 

 

I don't think everyone was joking, that's the problem.

In the tangent you were responding to I am fairly certain that Evi was the only one being slightly serious.  The amateur recommendation was heartfelt but then again that flies completely in the face of mainstream porn.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm 

In the tangent you were responding to I am fairly certain that Evi was the only one being slightly serious.  The amateur recommendation was heartfelt but then again that flies completely in the face of mainstream porn.

Yeah, I was referring to amateur porn, and I stand by what I said.  Porn is pretty much the reason I'd get "best sex of my life" comments right from the start.