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Dating Tips/Advice - Page 40

post #1951 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

 

Don't.

 

Keep moving forward. She's either not interested or playing games. Either way, you're done. Upward and onward, brother.

I edited my post with what I said in the text I sent her this morning. You are right, I'm done trying to get in touch with her. If she's going to avoid me...fine. Her choice. Not the mature or respectful thing for her to do though. 

post #1952 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

 

Don't.

 

Keep moving forward. She's either not interested or playing games. Either way, you're done. Upward and onward, brother.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evi View Post

Seconding what Michael said. At this point she'll either get back to you or she's ignoring you. Not contacting her again at the very least shows you're not desperate.

 

Thirded.  You don't have time for that shit.  If she wants to see you again, it's up to her to contact you and give a decent reason for not returning your messages in a timely fashion.

post #1953 of 6821

I've said it before, the world is fucking FULL of hot, cool, smart women - and alot of them aren't complete assholes. Just go outside, mate. This weekend, hit up a bud & go to a pub or a cafe or something. Physically put yourself out there & you'll see the buffet that awaits you.

post #1954 of 6821

There is literally no end to the psychological games and tricks many (not all) women will play in relationships and dating.  That shit will shave years off your life.  The bottom line is many people are just children in adult bodies...they play the same immature, childish and selfish games from their youth in the adult world.  It's one of the reasons I've been single for a very long time.  I mainly date for a fuck buddy...seriously I can't take the stress of a relationship, at least at the moment.  I wont even consider a girlfriend anymore unless she is "on my level" so to speak.  I actually return people's phone calls and texts in a timely fashion, show up on a date I agreed to, try to do the right thing rather than the popular thing, use facts and logic to prove myself rather than psychological and emotional manipulation, do my best not to be a hypocrite, etc...I have yet to find a woman who does all of that.  If I do some day it will be awesome.

post #1955 of 6821

Ambler, cheers to you sir, for being completely honest and dare I say right in most of your points.

post #1956 of 6821
The gal at work who I briefly dated and am valiantly trying to not to be on speaking terms with because she's both insane and engaged said the most bizarre thing to me in the office kitchen today: "Sandy Hook is where I grew up."

Good to know.

*runs the fuck away*
post #1957 of 6821

You, my friend, just ran away from someone looking for a pity fuck.

 

*Disclaimer: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

post #1958 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

There is literally no end to the psychological games and tricks many (not all) women will play in relationships and dating.  That shit will shave years off your life.  The bottom line is many people are just children in adult bodies...they play the same immature, childish and selfish games from their youth in the adult world.  It's one of the reasons I've been single for a very long time.  I mainly date for a fuck buddy...seriously I can't take the stress of a relationship, at least at the moment.  I wont even consider a girlfriend anymore unless she is "on my level" so to speak.  I actually return people's phone calls and texts in a timely fashion, show up on a date I agreed to, try to do the right thing rather than the popular thing, use facts and logic to prove myself rather than psychological and emotional manipulation, do my best not to be a hypocrite, etc...I have yet to find a woman who does all of that.  If I do some day it will be awesome.

 

At the risk of derailing into gender wars/differences,  I hear a lot about this sort of thing, but can't say I've encountered much of it up close.  Glimpses mostly, in people I guess I'd call "mainstream" back in the day.  People who wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me I suppose and I didn't have to deal with much.  Which might be a good thing, ultimately.  Luckily most women I've known closely are more frank and down to earth.  There's people with terrible problems too, but nothing you can't find some parallel with in blokes usually.

At the moment arguing about feminism is kind of the thing on the net it seems (in some quarters anyway), which is kind of what made me think of this.  In these discussion there's usually a few guys who really can't stand women, to the point they're barely people anymore, and you point out that's a bit broad brush (to put it mildly).  They respond with "then why are they all like - crazy/possessive/the above manipulative mind game thing- ?"  and further investigation sometimes gets a litany of terrible relationships with people exactly like that.

Or there's the other extreme of callous Game playboy-ism which seems like adding cruel detachment almost as a defense mechanism to the whole thing:  At least that seems like its appeal to a lot of guys.  "Bitches are all manipulative man traps.  Fight back by staying detached and getting the sex you want with these magical methods!"

 

Despite my doubts about its prevalence (and the unknown quantity of how much were guys just being self righteous imbeciles), it is kind of awful the things you hear sometimes and it seems to be all some people know.  I don't really understand it.  There must be big pockets or something.

post #1959 of 6821

That may be true, but if she's really that nuts, he's right to run away. Trust me. I know whereof I speak. Hanging with the crazy chick is a transaction with ever increasingly diminishing returns.

post #1960 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art Decade View Post

You, my friend, just ran away from someone looking for a pity fuck.

*Disclaimer: I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Her boobs are ridiculous, but I have a girlfriend now.
post #1961 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Muzman View Post

 

At the risk of derailing into gender wars/differences,  I hear a lot about this sort of thing, but can't say I've encountered much of it up close.  Glimpses mostly, in people I guess I'd call "mainstream" back in the day.  People who wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me I suppose and I didn't have to deal with much.  Which might be a good thing, ultimately.  Luckily most women I've known closely are more frank and down to earth.  There's people with terrible problems too, but nothing you can't find some parallel with in blokes usually.

At the moment arguing about feminism is kind of the thing on the net it seems (in some quarters anyway), which is kind of what made me think of this.  In these discussion there's usually a few guys who really can't stand women, to the point they're barely people anymore, and you point out that's a bit broad brush (to put it mildly).  They respond with "then why are they all like - crazy/possessive/the above manipulative mind game thing- ?"  and further investigation sometimes gets a litany of terrible relationships with people exactly like that.

Or there's the other extreme of callous Game playboy-ism which seems like adding cruel detachment almost as a defense mechanism to the whole thing:  At least that seems like its appeal to a lot of guys.  "Bitches are all manipulative man traps.  Fight back by staying detached and getting the sex you want with these magical methods!"

 

Despite my doubts about its prevalence (and the unknown quantity of how much were guys just being self righteous imbeciles), it is kind of awful the things you hear sometimes and it seems to be all some people know.  I don't really understand it.  There must be big pockets or something.

 

 

To be fair though, nobody's saying these things about all women. It can feel like it sometimes, but no-one actually thinks that. When you're entrenched in the dating scene you see a lot of weird, rude behaviour, especially if you're having a run of bad luck. That can make you feel like everyone's fucked, but the point of it always is to find the unfucked ones (Even if it takes a while). Anyway, it's a universal thing; men pull the exact same crap. What can I say, people are just fuckin' weird.

On an amusing side-note, I just received a rejection message on OKC that said 'Unfortunately, you have the misfortune of sounding exactly like the person I just dumped'. That's... nice to know?

post #1962 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Muzman View Post

 

At the risk of derailing into gender wars/differences,  I hear a lot about this sort of thing, but can't say I've encountered much of it up close.  Glimpses mostly, in people I guess I'd call "mainstream" back in the day.  People who wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me I suppose and I didn't have to deal with much.  Which might be a good thing, ultimately.  Luckily most women I've known closely are more frank and down to earth.  There's people with terrible problems too, but nothing you can't find some parallel with in blokes usually.

At the moment arguing about feminism is kind of the thing on the net it seems (in some quarters anyway), which is kind of what made me think of this.  In these discussion there's usually a few guys who really can't stand women, to the point they're barely people anymore, and you point out that's a bit broad brush (to put it mildly).  They respond with "then why are they all like - crazy/possessive/the above manipulative mind game thing- ?"  and further investigation sometimes gets a litany of terrible relationships with people exactly like that.

Or there's the other extreme of callous Game playboy-ism which seems like adding cruel detachment almost as a defense mechanism to the whole thing:  At least that seems like its appeal to a lot of guys.  "Bitches are all manipulative man traps.  Fight back by staying detached and getting the sex you want with these magical methods!"

 

Despite my doubts about its prevalence (and the unknown quantity of how much were guys just being self righteous imbeciles), it is kind of awful the things you hear sometimes and it seems to be all some people know.  I don't really understand it.  There must be big pockets or something.

 

I come at it from common sense and knowledge.  You reach a certain point where you realize how easy it is to be manipulated by either sex and you become like the frog in a warm pot of water waiting until he boils to death at the hands of others (whether they intend it or not is completely irrelevant).  It's easy to get in a relationship...walk up to a girl, introduce yourself and start a conversation...go on a few dates, and become an item.  What is not easy is finding someone worthy of your time...and you are also part of the equation.  Who you are and how you are, matters.  If you don't mind manipulative people then you will find manipulative people in your life.  And I'm not speaking about anyone specific and there are no judgements being made.  You just have to take stock of what you are now, think about what you want to be, and make sure you interact with people who are conducive to that life you want...usually it means being alot more careful about who you hang out with, and especially who you date, because they will affect your psyche more than you'd like to admit...and it is very easy to be dragged down into other people's way of thinking.  It is why you see so many unhappily married people...they both had dreams, hooked up with someone without being totally cognizant about how conducive that person may or may not be to the life they wanted, and are now unhappy because they're drowning in the other person's incompatible world view. (God forbid they're married because she got knocked up...you can stick your cock in anybody).  There are other reasons, but I think that's a major one.

 

Relationships are a partnership.  And all partnerships are only as good as the weakest link.  Why is it that sports teams are careful about who they draft?  Because it is the difference between winning and losing.  Life being a game itself (IMO a very serious one), it makes sense to take a similar approach to dating.  Why not?  I've decided I'm worth it.  Like I said, you get to a point where you "see the light" so to speak and stuff starts making sense, and then the hard choices come.  But they are worth it.

post #1963 of 6821

I'm firing off messages willy nilly on OKCupid right now, getting a reply on about 1 out of every 6 or 7. I started out with a "strategy" of using the most benign conversation starters possible, usually pointing out something in their music/movie/book list I liked too. Now, after getting sick of the lack of replys, I'm just saying whatever shit pops into my head. "Oh, you like brussel sprouts? Well, I don't. What's up?"

 

It's not like I'm being "OMG UR HOT. Let me B ur Prince Chraming. U liek anal?". I have two eyes and all my original hairs, who wouldn't want to start a benign conversation with this guy?

 

Pretty soon I will have exhausted every profile in the Providence area. Then, it's back to the bars!

 

I'm also trying to suppress thoughts about every single person I message being a fake profile created by my evil doppleganger, Elyk Eseer, to drive me insane.
 

post #1964 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackyShimSham View Post

Has this thread helped anybody in any way?


Helped me out.  I nearly broke up with an amazing girl before I sought help in this thread.

post #1965 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle Reese View Post

I'm firing off messages willy nilly on OKCupid right now, getting a reply on about 1 out of every 6 or 7. I started out with a "strategy" of using the most benign conversation starters possible, usually pointing out something in their music/movie/book list I liked too. Now, after getting sick of the lack of replys, I'm just saying whatever shit pops into my head. "Oh, you like brussel sprouts? Well, I don't. What's up?"

 

It's not like I'm being "OMG UR HOT. Let me B ur Prince Chraming. U liek anal?". I have two eyes and all my original hairs, who wouldn't want to start a benign conversation with this guy?

 

Pretty soon I will have exhausted every profile in the Providence area. Then, it's back to the bars!

 

I'm also trying to suppress thoughts about every single person I message being a fake profile created by my evil doppleganger, Elyk Eseer, to drive me insane.
 

 

Have you given this a try?

 

post #1966 of 6821

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kyle Reese View Post

It's not like I'm being "OMG UR HOT. Let me B ur Prince Chraming. U liek anal?". I have two eyes and all my original hairs, who wouldn't want to start a benign conversation with this guy?

 

You'd be surprised how often that works.

post #1967 of 6821

To be fair, it is important to ensure that they like anal before asking them out.

post #1968 of 6821
"I’m telling you, with European girls it’s
just a numbers game. If you stand on a
street corner of any major European city
and consecutively ask every girl you see
if she’ll fuck you, one out of twenty
will say yes -- right then and there.
'Do you wanna fuck? Do you wanna fuck?
Do you wanna fuck--' "
 
post #1969 of 6821

Strategy change it is, then. A combination of bluntness, broken english, shamelessness, and Richard Ayoade's suavity.
 

post #1970 of 6821

So after 6 days of not hearing from that girl...I got a text from her. Pretty much, she's crazy. She said I'm clingy and desperate, and that I don't respect her emotional needs. What a crock of bullshit that is. Hell, the girl tried to talk to me more than I was trying to talk to her. And that last part? What the fuck is she talking about. In no way did I not respect any of her needs. Whatever. Glad I found out she's crazy now, instead of months down the road.

post #1971 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Dylan View Post

So after 6 days of not hearing from that girl...I got a text from her. Pretty much, she's crazy. She said I'm clingy and desperate, and that I don't respect her emotional needs. What a crock of bullshit that is. Hell, the girl tried to talk to me more than I was trying to talk to her. And that last part? What the fuck is she talking about. In no way did I not respect any of her needs. Whatever. Glad I found out she's crazy now, instead of months down the road.

 

Don't even think about trying to make sense of it...there is no sense to be had.  Seriously...view her like you'd view a girl in a mental ward in a straight jacket and it will be easy to write her off.

 

Do not respond.  Delete her number and move the fuck on.  She's a batshit drama queen and trying to mindfuck you into subservience...I've seen it too many times.

post #1972 of 6821

I detect a note of guilt-prodded defensiveness going on there. She knows that she's fucked you around, and is scrabbling for whatever moral foothold she can grab that'll let her magically make everything your fault.

It's the 'You're an inanimate facking object!!' approach to rejection, and sadly a lot of people subscribe to it well past their teens.

 


Edited by Workyticket - 12/21/12 at 4:50am
post #1973 of 6821

Ambler and Workyticket speak much sense. Delete the number, delete any messages. Hell, I'd say block her where/when possible, both to remove temptation from yourself and stop any future annoyances.

post #1974 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle Reese View Post

I'm also trying to suppress thoughts about every single person I message being a fake profile created by my evil doppleganger, Elyk Eseer, to drive me insane.
 

 

Wait, you're the Turkish Dynamo?!  That guy's an inspiration!

post #1975 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

Ambler and Workyticket speak much sense. Delete the number, delete any messages. Hell, I'd say block her where/when possible, both to remove temptation from yourself and stop any future annoyances.

 

Interestingly enough, what she is doing is how pimps control their women...they humiliate them through psychological bullying and confuse them with contradictory statements...kind of bludgeoning their consciousness so they wont know which way is up, and will look to the pimp for guidance out of the maze of confusion...kind of a stockholm syndrome.  With pimps though, they usually double their efforts by keeping the girl hooked on drugs and alcohol.

post #1976 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

 

Interestingly enough, what she is doing is how pimps control their women...they humiliate them through psychological bullying and confuse them with contradictory statements...kind of bludgeoning their consciousness so they wont know which way is up, and will look to the pimp for guidance out of the maze of confusion...kind of a stockholm syndrome.  With pimps though, they usually double their efforts by keeping the girl hooked on drugs and alcohol.

You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is seriously the worst comparison.

post #1977 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post

You have got to be fucking kidding me. This is seriously the worst comparison.

 

I'm not calling her a pimp.  She is not using DJ to make money so she doesn't qualify.  I'm saying that is the tactic they use.  If she is guilty by association then am I to blame?  She is the one who is behaving like that and I am calling it how I see it.  These psychological tricks are real and people use them, whether they are dressed like a clown in a cape with platform shoes and a ridiculous hat or not.  Don't shoot the messenger.  

post #1978 of 6821

That kind of behaviour isn't acting like a pimp, that's loving melodrama and being unable to accept a relationship that isn't defined by conflict. It's a problem that a lot of people have, but I honestly don't think it's ever as calculated as you say. If you're a pimp, yeah, because you're running a business. In a relationship, it's more driven by one's own hang-ups or lack of self-esteem, or the number one cause of dating woes: someone not knowing what the fuck they want, and not having the maturity to take responsibility for it.

 

I get what you're saying Ambler, and I agree that the above motivation does occur in some people when a relationship develops (I know; I've been at the business end of it) but I wouldn't say that the analogy really fits. What it sounds like Dylan's dealing with is someone who's been happy to enjoy the buzz of the date, remembered that they have no idea what they want and is looking for an excuse to hit the 'Eject' button. To be honest, I read it more that way as opposed to any suggestion that she's going to keep dating him (Would I be right there, Dylan?).

post #1979 of 6821

Neither gender (and no orientation) has a monopoly on drama. Neither gender (and no orientation) has a monopoly on being manipulative. We can debate about generalizing the preferred methods of a particular set of folks, but I'm not buying the argument one gender has the title for Relationship Mangler sewn up.  Many people aren't very introspective; fewer have a healthy level of self-awareness; even fewer have the ability or willpower to take a hard, honest look at themselves and make substantive changes. It has nothing to do with your dangly bits or bumpy parts. Has everything to do with being human.

post #1980 of 6821

Just thirding the recommendation to ditch that girl.  She's projecting her own personal nonsense on you.  You don't want that shit anywhere near you and your friends.

post #1981 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Workyticket View Post

That kind of behaviour isn't acting like a pimp, that's loving melodrama and being unable to accept a relationship that isn't defined by conflict. It's a problem that a lot of people have, but I honestly don't think it's ever as calculated as you say. If you're a pimp, yeah, because you're running a business. In a relationship, it's more driven by one's own hang-ups or lack of self-esteem, or the number one cause of dating woes: someone not knowing what the fuck they want, and not having the maturity to take responsibility for it.

 

I get what you're saying Ambler, and I agree that the above motivation does occur in some people when a relationship develops (I know; I've been at the business end of it) but I wouldn't say that the analogy really fits. What it sounds like Dylan's dealing with is someone who's been happy to enjoy the buzz of the date, remembered that they have no idea what they want and is looking for an excuse to hit the 'Eject' button. To be honest, I read it more that way as opposed to any suggestion that she's going to keep dating him (Would I be right there, Dylan?).

 

I think people are confused.  It was a harmless observation and people are going apeshit because I used the word "pimp".  I don't think she is a pimp at all...it's like seeing somebody do something and saying "hey, those guys do the same thing"...to point how damaging that behavior can be...it is not an exact comparison, and I did point out the difference.

post #1982 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

Neither gender (and no orientation) has a monopoly on drama. Neither gender (and no orientation) has a monopoly on being manipulative. We can debate about generalizing the preferred methods of a particular set of folks, but I'm not buying the argument one gender has the title for Relationship Mangler sewn up.  Many people aren't very introspective; fewer have a healthy level of self-awareness; even fewer have the ability or willpower to take a hard, honest look at themselves and make substantive changes. It has nothing to do with your dangly bits or bumpy parts. Has everything to do with being human.

 

In all my previous statements regarding this issue I made it clear that both sexes are guilty of these games.  The first post I made on this page made mention of women because 98% of the posters in here are men and we are talking about women and how to deal with dating them.  Unless we're talking about some other species I'm not aware of.

post #1983 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

 

I think people are confused.  It was a harmless observation and people are going apeshit because I used the word "pimp".  I don't think she is a pimp at all...it's like seeing somebody do something and saying "hey, those guys do the same thing"...to point how damaging that behavior can be...it is not an exact comparison, and I did point out the difference.

 

No, I get what you were doing. It was just that the analogy you used came with a  lot of emotive language that made it read more rant-ish and generalized than I think you were meaning. But your basic point about the tactics are certainly valid.

 

Like I was saying, I think it's rarely consciously intended, but a lot of people when in a romantic situation that's above their heads resort to these control behaviours, whether they think it or not. They're feeling overwhelmed by a situation and don't want to deal with it, so they try and prevent the other person from feeling confident enough to try and make a resolution happen. Sometimes it's by being distant and vague, sometimes by trying to construct the other person as doing something wrong by pursuing them - either way it's about controlling the situation and making sure that they're not forced to  deal with it, and hopefully push the other person into giving up. 

 

On the other hand, you get people who pull this stuff within ongoing relationships. Some do it because they want out but don't have the stones to make the break themselves, so try to goad the other person to doing it for them. And then you get those who just... Like it, or at least maintain it because they've grown up with some idea of relationships and conflict being interrelated. Sadly, they're often just as unaware as the others of what they're doing. 

post #1984 of 6821

Thanks for understanding.  My only aim was to shed some light of this damaging type of behavior because I don't think many people truly understand how damaging it really is, and kind of chock it up to people just being people, as if it's not a huge deal.  I always think of It's a Wonderful Life, at the end when George sees the other timeline where he wasn't born...and how catastrophic things can be when someone's influence is absent...but also vice versa.  I think people do enough harm to themselves already, BUT...relationships can take someone off track so severely, that it's like the end of that movie...

 

As a personal example, I was involved with a girl who manipulated me so badly, for an entire year, that I'm still feeling the effects...and this was over 5 years ago.  Not only did she lie to me for a year about herself and her connections, but she used me as an emotional crutch, and manipulated me into feeling sorry for her to the point that I started screwing up at work to help her out (the specifics are too intricate to explain here)...and came to trust people in Hollywood a little bit less...that kind of thinking made an absolute mess of my confidence.

 

An even more severe example happened with a guy friend of mine...he didn't lie to me, but he dragged me so far down into his own worldview, that my life was totally altered by the simple fact of being around him.  And it was not malicious...it was just the typical friend thing where you're sitting around drinking wine, and he's bitching about how he's given the short end of the stick, how people (especially girls) don't understand him, how he can't get a break even though he tries, etc, etc...and he does it for so long, that you end up agreeing with him!  Almost like being hypnotized into changing your own views...like the frog slowly boiling in the pot.  As a result, your entire life can be altered because of someone else's baggage.  It's one thing to complain and then take steps to change, it's another to complain as a daily reminder of how little you think of yourself, and believe that you ARE that person.  My friend did the latter, and stupidly, I let him get in my head.  I can't stress how important it is to be aware of who you hang out with and how they think, because I can guarantee it is affecting your own outlook, and by extension, your whole life's journey.

 

Tarantino made a brilliant analogy about this with Olympic runners...about how you should always compete with people who are better than you...because even if you come in last, you are still much further ahead than your previous times from when you were competing with either lesser athletes, or athletes similar to your skillset.

 

Take care of yourselves.

post #1985 of 6821

And just something I forgot to add...others are not necessarily to blame for your life turning out a certain way...you are ultimately responsible for your life, but other people do have an affect on your outlook.  It's why you don't see successful business people hanging out with hipsters and vice versa...and other obvious examples.  Birds of a feather and all that...

post #1986 of 6821

A girl I've been messaging on OKC for over a week:

 

"I asked if you ever spend time in (City B, an hour away) because I live there now. I left my location set to (City A, where I live) because it might give me an excuse to go back there. Does that make sense?"

 

No. No, it does not.

 

Next!

post #1987 of 6821

I had a long distance thing with a gal back in '09 who lived an hour away. As it turned out, she was even more distant emotionally.

post #1988 of 6821

So...The last three months have been a bit of a shitty time with my girlfriend. She's been through a lot of personal shit that's led to issues between us, and her getting snowed under with work led to her asking for 'some space' (Yeah, that). Under the circumstances I thought it only fair to agree, but have seen/heard practically nothing from her apart from a couple of brief and very difficult conversations, and it's kind of faded off to the point where not only am I getting the strong sense that she doesn't want to continue the relationship, it may have actually as good as ended already.

But that's not why I'm venting. I'm venting because, after nearly three months of mostly barren and miserable weekends, I put this weekend aside for seeing friends, general socializing and living a little, and was bold enough to line enough stuff up to potentially keep me busy the whole weekend.

So who do you think has just texted me asking if I can come round for the much-dreaded (By me) next conversation this Saturday?

Fucksake.

post #1989 of 6821

I say blow her off and spend time with your friends. If it's as bad as you're thinking, then you should just concentrate more on hanging out with your friends and having a good time, rather than (more than likely) relationship ending conversation that will ruin your weekend.

post #1990 of 6821

Sorry to hear that.  But yeah, it's over.  Nobody asks for "space" unless they've already checked out mentally, if not physically.  I would seriously just get "the talk" over with and start fresh for the New Year.

 

And whatever you do, don't let her string you along.  She needs to tell you exactly how she feels so you can make a decision and not be dragged through the vague wasteland of a woman making up her mind.  

 

It's even quite possible she's already interested in (if not outright seeing) someone else.  Women tend to be very good at making sure they have someone else lined up before dumping the current one.  And many times the reason for the dump is because she's met someone and the "snowed under with work" might very well be a cover.  This all speculation, but it's fairly common.

post #1991 of 6821

I'm with Rene. You deserve this weekend so just tell her you'll have to do it some other time. That is unless you don't think you'll be able to enjoy time with your friends if it's playing on your mind.

post #1992 of 6821

Yeah, you guys are pretty much mirroring my thinking. I've given her a lot of rope because of what she's been through (Her estranged dad died in September and she's had a lot of work stress) and there were misunderstandings early on about what she needed from me and what I could do to best help her out (Though that one's a long, long, long story), but the long and short of it is that I've been sitting here for nearly three months kind of miserably, ready to jump if she decided she needed me there - and it's only been in the last couple of weeks that I've had to accept that my help or involvement in her life is at this point neither needed nor wanted. She hasn't given me any sign that she's even interested in sustaining the relationship, and I've gradually scaled down my contact of her because, frankly, there's only so many times you can text 'Hi, just checking everything's okay' to a lukewarm response before you start to feel a bit silly.

basically, her mantra when we have talked is that she doesn't know what she wants, and the brief has been leave her alone while she slowly, maybe figures it out. Fuuun.

Which drives me up the fucking wall that she has to pick this weekend to finally want to try and make contact. She didn't know I was in the process of planning all this stuff, but still. And yeah, I can't envision it being a fun conversation at all so I'm very tempted to declare this weekend off-limits because this weekend was meant to be about me enjoying life, not attempting to while still reeling from a conversation that is going to be grim even if it doesn't end in one of us dumping the other.

post #1993 of 6821

Ask her to meet you earlier than Saturday because your weekend is full.  That way if it's over you'll have your friends to cheer you up...and if it's not, you'll be okay to relax I guess.  Either way it will be off your mind.  Really sucks to have something like that hanging over your head until the weekend.

post #1994 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

Ask her to meet you earlier than Saturday because your weekend is full.  That way if it's over you'll have your friends to cheer you up...and if it's not, you'll be okay to relax I guess.  Either way it will be off your mind.  Really sucks to have something like that hanging over your head until the weekend.

 

I was considering that, problem is that there's a lot of stuff I have planned that haven't had times agreed on yet, so pretty much tonight through to Sunday could have stuff going on. Most likely, of course, there will be spots where I'm free but I have no intentions of engaging in that kind of juggling so close to the time - and this really is last-minute, as far as my potential activities are concerned.

It'll suck knowing that this conversation is coming up and is imminent but I can put it out of my mind well enough. In a lot of ways I'm glad that it is imminent, because I'm sick of the limbo and want us to work out what the score is so I can get the fuck on with my life. But that said, I've made myself available for three months and it's been totally unwanted, and I'm not ready to devalue some long-overdue postive times because she's picked this weekend to do the chat.

post #1995 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

Ask her to meet you earlier than Saturday because your weekend is full.  That way if it's over you'll have your friends to cheer you up...and if it's not, you'll be okay to relax I guess.  Either way it will be off your mind.  Really sucks to have something like that hanging over your head until the weekend.

 

Seconded.  When you see her next, see her on YOUR terms, not hers. 

post #1996 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Workyticket View Post

 

I was considering that, problem is that there's a lot of stuff I have planned that haven't had times agreed on yet, so pretty much tonight through to Sunday could have stuff going on. Most likely, of course, there will be spots where I'm free but I have no intentions of engaging in that kind of juggling so close to the time - and this really is last-minute, as far as my potential activities are concerned.

It'll suck knowing that this conversation is coming up and is imminent but I can put it out of my mind well enough. In a lot of ways I'm glad that it is imminent, because I'm sick of the limbo and want us to work out what the score is so I can get the fuck on with my life. But that said, I've made myself available for three months and it's been totally unwanted, and I'm not ready to devalue some long-overdue postive times because she's picked this weekend to do the chat.

Gotta agree with your own advice to me - (and others' above) - the meeting should be on your terms. I'd say Monday, so you can have your fun weekend, and still get It (whatever "It" turns out to be) concluded by the New Year. Which is as arbitrary as any other point in time to have this conversation, but at least it bears the facade of a neat tying up of ends for this year.

post #1997 of 6821

You could also (if the opportunity presents itself) suggest she come on over to where the fun is if she wants to talk so bad. I'm guessing she'd call your bluff and then you'd know.

post #1998 of 6821

Tell her that the "Jerk Store" called & they ran out of her.

post #1999 of 6821

Oh, and li'l ol' me, the world's worst dating expert? Yeah, I'm still crushed on the Lady In Question. But I'm respecting her civil rejection and I think I'm handling it in a healthy place. Saw her at a party and was able to chat without getting weird. And if I may say so my Christmas present blew her mind. I'll take the Friend Zone over the "I'm uncomfortable being in the same room with you" zone.

post #2000 of 6821
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post

I'll take the Friend Zone over the "I'm uncomfortable being in the same room with you" zone.

 

I prefer the neutral zone.

 

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