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Dating Tips/Advice - Page 41

post #2001 of 6111

If that's 'neutral', let me in.

post #2002 of 6111

"Nice guys" of OKC.

 

Women of CHUD, and the world, I can only say I'm sorry for these quislings. Despite all the crap the men in this thread have deal with, I remain convinced we would implode within a day if we had to weed through the kind of crap women do with online dating.

post #2003 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

"Nice guys" of OKC.

 

Women of CHUD, and the world, I can only say I'm sorry for these quislings. Despite all the crap the men in this thread have deal with, I remain convinced we would implode within a day if we had to weed through the kind of crap women do with online dating.

 

What even is this, who would post such a thing?

 

 

post #2004 of 6111
Hehe I like "bone zone" though.
post #2005 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

"Nice guys" of OKC.

 

Women of CHUD, and the world, I can only say I'm sorry for these quislings. Despite all the crap the men in this thread have deal with, I remain convinced we would implode within a day if we had to weed through the kind of crap women do with online dating.


Verrry interesting. You really get a sense of the kind of soulless meatbags/potential rapists women are forced to wade through to find someone worth knowing. Why would anyone - much less a woman - want to spend time with one of these "Nice Guys"? Gross.

post #2006 of 6111

Over and above these guys' nice guy martyr complex, I'm loving when the blog shows their responses to questions to be 180 degrees from their professed character.

post #2007 of 6111

I have a strange desire to pummel them all.

post #2008 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art Decade View Post


Verrry interesting. You really get a sense of the kind of soulless meatbags/potential rapists women are forced to wade through to find someone worth knowing. Why would anyone - much less a woman - want to spend time with one of these "Nice Guys"? Gross.

 

 

Yeah but it is nice of them to be so honest (even if they are not aware they are being so).

 

<My "favorite" (read; Creepy) comment:

 

"How am I still single? My female friends ask me this all the time. My answer: 'You tell me; your the bitch that doesn't let me touch your boobies'

 

And does No mean NO?

 

Mostly, occasionally it's a Yes in disguise. "

 

Holy shit!

post #2009 of 6111

My new pickup line will be "Hey, wanna go beat up some OKC Nice Guys?"

post #2010 of 6111

What's with the numerous "sexual partner" questions?  I get the "beggars shouldn't be choosers" saying, but what's wrong with not wanting to be involved with someone who has had 20 sexual partners?  Male or female? 

post #2011 of 6111
Monster Pete, that seems closed minded of you. It is the person inside that counts.
post #2012 of 6111
Having reviewed the Nice Guys of OK Cupid, I kind of find it odd that so many homophobic date rapists find themselves in the friend zone and not the restraining order zone.
post #2013 of 6111
Double post zone.
post #2014 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Monster Pete View Post

What's with the numerous "sexual partner" questions?  I get the "beggars shouldn't be choosers" saying, but what's wrong with not wanting to be involved with someone who has had 20 sexual partners?  Male or female? 

I think the assumption the blog is running on is that "nice guys" are really sexist losers who whine and moan about how women have it so easy in regards to getting laid.

 

It's the whole "A key that unlocks all doors...." conversation.

post #2015 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Harford View Post

Monster Pete, that seems closed minded of you. It is the person inside that counts.

hey baby you ever had a person inside you

 

well, do you want one

 

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU SLUT. WHORE.

post #2016 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Harford View Post

Monster Pete, that seems closed minded of you. It is the person inside that counts.


I always thought it was the number of persons inside that count

post #2017 of 6111

Well, only if there's more than one.

post #2018 of 6111
The woman of my dreams moved in with me today. I met her on OkCupid. We click on every level. I honestly did not ever expect to find someone so closely resembling the unconscious ideal I've carried around since puberty, much less on the Internet, but she's real, apparently. At least, I haven't woken up yet. No pedestals to be found here, though; we're both mature, responsible adults who just so happen to be crazy about each other.

Not to be a walking OKC advertisement/testimonial--I just wanted to let you all know it can happen, because it did for me. I lost faith quite a few times in my online dating (mis)adventures over the past few years, with some heart-bruising near misses, but holy shit did it all pay off in a big way.

Keep hope alive, y'all. All you beautiful bastards will meet him/her someday.
post #2019 of 6111
Congrats, Bendrix!
post #2020 of 6111

I am officially off the market. OKCupid matched me with an incredible 29 year old that I have completely clicked with more than I expected to click with someone. We've gone out 4 times this week...yes, I know that's a lot. We just can't stop seeing each other it seems. 

post #2021 of 6111

Kick ass. Here's to continued good fortune.
 

post #2022 of 6111

Bendrix and DJ: Congrats! You have my wishes for happiness and health together (not with each other, but with....you know what I mean!).

 

Also: I hate you both. Lucky bastards.

post #2023 of 6111

clearly I've been doing something wrong with my OKC account.

post #2024 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ska Oreo View Post

clearly I've been doing something wrong with my OKC account.

Yeah she messaged me first. Pretty much never happens.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

Bendrix and DJ: Congrats! You have my wishes for happiness and health together (not with each other, but with....you know what I mean!).

 

Also: I hate you both. Lucky bastards.

It's okay...Bendrix and I have always had this hot internet love thing going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbrother View Post

Kick ass. Here's to continued good fortune.
 

Thanks.

post #2025 of 6111

So, now that I'm single again after twenty years of marriage....what are the best online dating services out there?

post #2026 of 6111
How long have you been single? Cause the answer may be "none of them be by yourself for awhile."
post #2027 of 6111

You don't want to jump into online dating right now, my friend. Maybe never.

 

I tried online dating for the first time after a serious-long term relationship ended, and it wasn't a smart move. The idea of it seems great -- it's a passive, low-pressure way of talking to girls and "getting back in the saddle". But you end up wasting a lot of time and energy trying to come up with unique and interesting ways to get their attention, and you're competing with thousands of other guys. You'll end up feeling like you've wasted time, and in my experience the girls that do respond back are either damaged or socially inept.

 

Your best bet is to grab some of your boys, and go out with the sole intention of being social and having fun being out there and single. Talk to lots of people -- not just pretty girls -- and get comfortable with yourself and being a single guy again. Once you build up that confidence and comfort in your own skin, you'll find yourself flowing naturally into the dating game again.

post #2028 of 6111

Good words D.T

Good words.

post #2029 of 6111
So tonight my roommate invited me to a bar with a few of his friends to celebrate him joining the Camera Operator's guild.

Long story short, one of his friend there was a girl who I think started to flirt with me. Now this is the first time since this has happened since I came out as being gay.

Is there some sort of protocol to let her know so I don't disappoint her or hurt her feelings when I'm clearly not into her? I felt bad because I didn't know how to broach the subject.

A upfront "I'm gay" makes me fear that a girl I just was introduced to will think I have a big ego because it presupposes that I think she would be immediately interested in me and I was trying head off her feelings before she could form them (I am really bad a cues so it is a 50/50 chance that she was really flirting).

So I feel like my only option was to try to steer the conversation toward me recently coming out, but I was unable to get the subject to go in that direction. I have little practice with small talk at bars which was hampered by her being a soft talker and me being terrible at filtering out background noise. There was a lot of "I'm sorry," "Could you repeat that?" "What?" "It's really loud in here."
post #2030 of 6111
Unless she asks you out, or grabs your arm and asks you to go home with her, I wouldn't worry about it. Chances are, if she ended up being into you, she'll ask your roommate or someone else about you, and she'll be filled in that way.
post #2031 of 6111

Ugh women. So, I've been seeing this girl for a month now. She started acting strange a few days ago canceling on me twice with no notice, sounding disinterested in me when we talked, etc. I also found out she's still on okcupid. So, I ask her what's going on with us and why she's still using okcupid, considering mine has been down for a few weeks. I got quite a surprising response. Turns out she just started dating this summer (she's 29), she's only kissed one guy in her whole life before me, and she wants to date a couple of people at once and not have anything serious with anyone. Oh, and she still wants to keep seeing me while she sees other people. I of course had no idea about any of that. I have essentially found myself in a friends with benefits situation it feels like. And since I don't do casual dating/hanging out, this isnt going to work for me. I told her I would try it....but I'm realizing that I don't really see it working out with us not being in an actual relationship. I like her a lot, but where I am in life right now I'm looking for something more serious than "hanging out". I feel really bad about having to tell her I can't see her anymore though, because I do actually like her a lot and enjoy spending time with her. But, if she doesn't want anything serious and just wants to hang out and fool around...why bother sticking around?

post #2032 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Dylan View Post

Ugh women. So, I've been seeing this girl for a month now. She started acting strange a few days ago canceling on me twice with no notice, sounding disinterested in me when we talked, etc. I also found out she's still on okcupid. So, I ask her what's going on with us and why she's still using okcupid, considering mine has been down for a few weeks. I got quite a surprising response. Turns out she just started dating this summer (she's 29), she's only kissed one guy in her whole life before me, and she wants to date a couple of people at once and not have anything serious with anyone. Oh, and she still wants to keep seeing me while she sees other people. I of course had no idea about any of that. I have essentially found myself in a friends with benefits situation it feels like. And since I don't do casual dating/hanging out, this isnt going to work for me. I told her I would try it....but I'm realizing that I don't really see it working out with us not being in an actual relationship. I like her a lot, but where I am in life right now I'm looking for something more serious than "hanging out". I feel really bad about having to tell her I can't see her anymore though, because I do actually like her a lot and enjoy spending time with her. But, if she doesn't want anything serious and just wants to hang out and fool around...why bother sticking around?

 

Sounds like you've already got the situation sorted out, dude. This woman is 29 years old, only just started dating and kissing... she's a grown woman with the romantic and sexual development of a 14 year old, and nothing solid or long-lasting is going to come from that. The dude she ends up losing her virginity to is going to have his hands full with a woman who has no idea what she wants, or how to function in a romantic/physical relationship.

 

And you sound like you know what you want, and you owe it to yourself to go after it. Run, and don't look back.

post #2033 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by D.T. View Post

 

Sounds like you've already got the situation sorted out, dude. This woman is 29 years old, only just started dating and kissing... she's a grown woman with the romantic and sexual development of a 14 year old, and nothing solid or long-lasting is going to come from that. The dude she ends up losing her virginity to is going to have his hands full with a woman who has no idea what she wants, or how to function in a romantic/physical relationship.

 

And you sound like you know what you want, and you owe it to yourself to go after it. Run, and don't look back.

I'm actually slightly curious as to how she got to being 29 and is just starting dating. But yeah, this isn't going to work--just end it before she hurts you.

post #2034 of 6111
I didn't ask her why or how she just started dating. I was too surprised. Yeah, I know what I want... And being in a situation like this is not it. I have enough respect for her to tell her in person when we see each other tomorrow.
post #2035 of 6111

So I just had a rather sincere bro-talk with a friend of mine. Long story short: Friend is into this girl he's been hanging out with since highschool; tells me that he's going to spend a year trying to get with her. Normally, I respond with advice mixed with "follow your heart's desire," but I seriously got upset. I believe that the worst thing a person can go through is unrequited love. To put all that work in trying to start a relationship, only for that person to not share those same feelings. I've been through it, and I'm still reeling from the fallout. 

 

So I sat him down and told him that she isn't worth it, and the time will come when there's a girl who is. I don't know if he got the message--I just don't want him getting hurt again. 

post #2036 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Dylan View Post

I didn't ask her why or how she just started dating. I was too surprised. Yeah, I know what I want... And being in a situation like this is not it. I have enough respect for her to tell her in person when we see each other tomorrow.

 

And enough respect for yourself to make the decision. Good for you, mate. I agree that she has no idea what she wants, but what she's proposed is basically an open relationship situation that a) requires both parties to want that, b) requires both parties to establish via open communication and agreeing on how it should work, and c) not fucking up a and b by only dropping this news a month into the relationship. If she wants something open or something that doesn't require her to commit, that should be on her profile from the start. lack of experience doesn't excuse that; it's just common sense and giving a shit about how others might feel.

 

Though to be perfectly honest, her pulling the nil-communion tactics is generally a sign that she's not interested in you anymore. It stands to reason that if her intent was to see you and other guys, she'd still be keen to see you.  My suspicion is that it's commitment itself she doesn't want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ska Oreo View Post

So I just had a rather sincere bro-talk with a friend of mine. Long story short: Friend is into this girl he's been hanging out with since highschool; tells me that he's going to spend a year trying to get with her. Normally, I respond with advice mixed with "follow your heart's desire," but I seriously got upset. I believe that the worst thing a person can go through is unrequited love. To put all that work in trying to start a relationship, only for that person to not share those same feelings. I've been through it, and I'm still reeling from the fallout. 

 

So I sat him down and told him that she isn't worth it, and the time will come when there's a girl who is. I don't know if he got the message--I just don't want him getting hurt again. 

 

I think you've got the right idea. Launching a year-long campaign to win a girl's heart is something that only exists in Mills & Boon novels, and he has no idea how she might take this extended attention. The danger is that he might not realize just how addictive the romantic perception of being an unrequited paramour is (I was there a lot when I was young and clueless) and get caught in a vicious circle of self-bullshit. It's astounding just what you can trick yourself into believing on no evidence whatsoever, and it never ends with you getting the girl. Maybe you should ask him why he thinks this girl would choose him, and if she would why it would take up to a year; I'm fairly sure that the evidence he'd give would be tenuous at best, and getting him to process this may just get him to see the light himself. 

 

And if he gives reasons that may point to an attraction - I doubt it, but nothing's impossible - urge him to just fucking ask her out now, so he knows now and gets it over with one way or another. If he's known this girl a long time and genuinely believes he has a shot, he shouldn't need a year.

post #2037 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Workyticket View Post

And if he gives reasons that may point to an attraction - I doubt it, but nothing's impossible - urge him to just fucking ask her out now, so he knows now and gets it over with one way or another. If he's known this girl a long time and genuinely believes he has a shot, he shouldn't need a year.

That's precisely what I told him. Her answer now is probably going to be her answer forever.

 

The fucked up thing is that he actually already did tell her his feelings--and she turned him down. So yeah, I'm just seeing my situation happen to someone else and I'm just trying to get him off that self-destructive path.

 

Sadly, I think my attempts at reasoning might have been in vain. Throughout our talk, he kept saying he was still going to do it despite knowing how stupid it is and that since she never actually said no....

 

It's a junkie trying to rationalize his addiction, and it's just sad. 

post #2038 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Workyticket View Post

 

And enough respect for yourself to make the decision. Good for you, mate. I agree that she has no idea what she wants, but what she's proposed is basically an open relationship situation that a) requires both parties to want that, b) requires both parties to establish via open communication and agreeing on how it should work, and c) not fucking up a and b by only dropping this news a month into the relationship. If she wants something open or something that doesn't require her to commit, that should be on her profile from the start. lack of experience doesn't excuse that; it's just common sense and giving a shit about how others might feel.

 

Though to be perfectly honest, her pulling the nil-communion tactics is generally a sign that she's not interested in you anymore. It stands to reason that if her intent was to see you and other guys, she'd still be keen to see you.  My suspicion is that it's commitment itself she doesn't want.

Yeah that's pretty much what she has proposed. I really do wish she had let me know she was looking for something open and without commitment from the start. Would have made it much easier. Instead I have to find out a month into it. She's definitely still keen on seeing me, all the time. But, she also doesnt want to have to commit to anyone right now. And I have no interest in an open, non-committed thing.

post #2039 of 6111
Quote:

Originally Posted by Workyticket View Post

 

The danger is that he might not realize just how addictive the romantic perception of being an unrequited paramour is (I was there a lot when I was young and clueless) and get caught in a vicious circle of self-bullshit. It's astounding just what you can trick yourself into believing on no evidence whatsoever, and it never ends with you getting the girl. Maybe you should ask him why he thinks this girl would choose him, and if she would why it would take up to a year; I'm fairly sure that the evidence he'd give would be tenuous at best, and getting him to process this may just get him to see the light himself. 

 

And if he gives reasons that may point to an attraction - I doubt it, but nothing's impossible - urge him to just fucking ask her out now, so he knows now and gets it over with one way or another. If he's known this girl a long time and genuinely believes he has a shot, he shouldn't need a year.

 

This this this.

post #2040 of 6111

So at the urging of some loved ones, I tried out OKC.  Here's how it goes.

 

I pick a few good looking profiles and start fumbling around trying to figure out an opening message.  While I'm doing this, one of them actually messages me.  BOOM.  Crushing it already.  We start messaging back and forth a ton, morning, noon, and night, for a week or two.  It's easy and great. She tells me at one point that she blew off a date with someone else because this felt more promising.  We meet up and it seems like it all goes well.   But the next day the messages slow to a trickle, then nothing on the next.  Eventually I get one that says she had a really great time but blahblahblah.  

 

She of course was very gentle about it and didn't say anything of the sort, but there's no real way around the fact that her interest level plummeted once she saw me in person. And I actually get it.  It was clear from pictures and only became more obvious in the flesh that she is legit, drop dead gorgeous and me, I'm average on a good day.  I wouldn't have put us in the same league at all if I had met her offline and she hadn't been the instigator.  I'll be fine in a day or two, and it's not like I've ever harbored any illusions about being a dreamboat.  But I never had to confront that so baldly, and man, right now it fucking stings.

 

So yeah, it seems that OKC really works, in that it very effectively compressed a dating process that usually takes a couple months into a few weeks.  Hurray technology!

post #2041 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post

She of course was very gentle about it and didn't say anything of the sort, but there's no real way around the fact that her interest level plummeted once she saw me in person. And I actually get it.  It was clear from pictures and only became more obvious in the flesh that she is legit, drop dead gorgeous and me, I'm average on a good day.  I wouldn't have put us in the same league at all if I had met her offline and she hadn't been the instigator.  I'll be fine in a day or two, and it's not like I've ever harbored any illusions about being a dreamboat.  But I never had to confront that so baldly, and man, right now it fucking stings.

 

Do not fucking do that to yourself.

 

Another issue I have with online dating is the fact that it's window shopping at it's most superficial level. Everyone's just looking at each others' photos and looking at who's the most attractive. The fact that there are profiles to fill out and questions to answer is simply so that guys have something to say when they message women. That's it.

 

So, this girl send you a message and you met, and there wasn't any chemistry. That is NOT because you're not a good-looking dude -- if you weren't, she wouldn't have messaged you in the first place. Just because you didn't hit it off and the sparks weren't flying doesn't mean that she's out of your "league", and just because she's hot doesn't make her deserving of being put on a pedestal.

 

Things didn't work out because that's how dating goes, regardless of how you're trying to meet people. You're going to meet a lot of hot girls that you end up feeling attracted to and not attracted to, and it has nothing to do with what they look like. Likewise with the women who meet you -- some women are going to think you're handsome as hell, but if the two of you don't click then it's just not going to happen. You cannot take that personally because if you do, you'll chip away at your own confidence and become less attractive in the eyes of the right girls.

 

Buck up, dude. Every single first date is practice, and every bad date is a learning experience to be learned from and shrugged off.

post #2042 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by D.T. View Post

 

Do not fucking do that to yourself.

 

Another issue I have with online dating is the fact that it's window shopping at it's most superficial level. Everyone's just looking at each others' photos and looking at who's the most attractive. The fact that there are profiles to fill out and questions to answer is simply so that guys have something to say when they message women. That's it.

 

So, this girl send you a message and you met, and there wasn't any chemistry. That is NOT because you're not a good-looking dude -- if you weren't, she wouldn't have messaged you in the first place. Just because you didn't hit it off and the sparks weren't flying doesn't mean that she's out of your "league", and just because she's hot doesn't make her deserving of being put on a pedestal.

 

Things didn't work out because that's how dating goes, regardless of how you're trying to meet people. You're going to meet a lot of hot girls that you end up feeling attracted to and not attracted to, and it has nothing to do with what they look like. Likewise with the women who meet you -- some women are going to think you're handsome as hell, but if the two of you don't click then it's just not going to happen. You cannot take that personally because if you do, you'll chip away at your own confidence and become less attractive in the eyes of the right girls.

 

Buck up, dude. Every single first date is practice, and every bad date is a learning experience to be learned from and shrugged off.

 

Oh, I'm as guilty of window shopping as anyone.  Which is why I can't really hold it against her.  Put it in terms of chemistry, leagues, spark or whatever, the bottom line is she wasn't attracted to me and that feels bad.

 

I'll buck up tomorrow, I think.  Today I've resolved to be hung over and surly about the whole thing.

post #2043 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Schwartz View Post

 

Oh, I'm as guilty of window shopping as anyone.  Which is why I can't really hold it against her.  Put it in terms of chemistry, leagues, spark or whatever, the bottom line is she wasn't attracted to me and that feels bad.

 

I'll buck up tomorrow, I think.  Today I've resolved to be hung over and surly about the whole thing.


The key here is that it isn't you being Fugly or her being "too hot". It's as you say, a lack of mutual chemistry. I'm sure there were women who were really into you but you didn't feel the same way about them. It's no one's fault.

post #2044 of 6111

The thread seems to be dying. Is this, God willing, a sign that things are getting better for most of us, or just leveling off somewhere slightly above the doldrums?

post #2045 of 6111
Quote:
Originally Posted by TonyB79 View Post

The thread seems to be dying. Is this, God willing, a sign that things are getting better for most of us, or just leveling off somewhere slightly above the doldrums?

Us.

Actually, my best friend - who's been using OkC for almost a year & has a long trail of failed connections to prove it - finally landed a girl via the site. They hit it off straight away, slept together on the first date, & have been inseparable for 2 weeks.

Yes. OkC works.

Me? I'm in a bit of in a spell over a bird at work & have been for a couple months. Christ...she just does something to me.

She & I don't work together & have only been in the same room 3 times but there's an electricity between us unlike any I've ever experienced. I've no idea if it's mutual (probably not) but our brief meetings were made up of one on one training sessions in front of a laptop where we'd sit shoulder to shoulder and hold eye contact for socially unacceptable lengths while she perpetually stared down at my lips. Looking at her during that last session, all I wanted to do was shut the conference rooms doors & flower her with kisses.

When I'm around her, I'm instantly confident, completely free from self-doubt & shyness, I'm at ease, & our dual energy is so comfortable that I feel like I could grow old with this chick & never leave her side. Easily.

This attraction is a weird phenomenon in that I don't consciously think about her very often. It's not a crush in the classic sense where you're preoccupied with fanciful idealizations or whatever but I'm a bit haunted by the sensations I'd felt interacting with her. It's also strange that - in purely superficial physical terms compared to the other women I'd dated over the past year - she only barely rates. Yet, when she came to my office a couple months ago & said "Hi" to me, I turned around and she literally took my breath away. No girl - in my 36 years - has ever had that kind on affect on me. Never. I struggle to explain it.

We speak via email every other day & occasionally on the phone but we're both uber-professional so, even if there was a mutual attraction, neither of us would let it show through.
She's almost hostile in her "go-getter" careerist professionalism & she's very guarded when I chip away at it with lite conversation over the phone.

So in the end, there isn't a damn thing I can do, I have no moves, & there are too many walls & moats between us. We live in two completely different cities (I work in L.A., she in Santa Barbara), we work together, & I've no idea what her situation might be. So it's up to time & the fates now if there's even a breath of a chance, I suppose.

Either way, I continue to carry on diligently unburdened by thoughts of her day to day only to occasionally awaken haunted with the sensation of being near her.


Edited by Art Decade - 3/7/13 at 10:30pm
post #2046 of 6111

Heh. I wish I knew what to tell you, Art Decade. All I've learned is that I can be completely wrong in both directions, assuming a girl at work likes me who doesn't, and assuming a girl doesn't like me when she does.

 

I had two experiences at work in the last few years of feeling completely sure that female coworkers were interested in me, to the point of stupidly willing to risk problems at work, of laying out my interest and asking them out. Then again, it wouldn't have been stupid if they did like me.

 

With one girl in particular, I was about 100% confident that she was into me. She seemed kind of nervous around me and way overly eager to help me out with work stuff, to the point of meeting me by where she lived to give me some computer files I needed. I thought she was just waiting for me to make a move. We were in constant contact while I worked on a project that I was contracted for, even though she had a boss who was in charge of it. I figured she just really wanted to interact with me. She seemed to perk up any time I came by her office and laughed at everything I said.

 

I called her after work and she didn't pick up. I waited a few days, called her again, left a message to say call me back.

 

Here's the great thing about me. I was so sure that she liked me that whereas normally I'll feel sure that a girl isn't interested if she doesn't return my call, I thought in this case she was just shy about calling me back and misreading my actions as interest in her. The fact that she didn't answer or pick up made me even more sure that she was interested in me but was afraid to initiate anything because we worked together.

 

The great thing about me is that I will deny all reality about a girl because I'm sure everything just adds up to a story that may or may not have anything to do with reality. Here I was, a veritable hero in my field, descending upon her company by a chance referral, doing highly skilled work that she was in constant contact with me for. Why else would she be so eager to be in contact with me, except that she likes me and admires me? What, she's a good employee? Nonsense! I would never help someone this much unless I was sexually attracted to them, so obviously, she's the same!

 

I even told my roommate about her, and he completely egged me on, saying that it's obvious she likes me, but I better not take too long. He implied that maybe I had no balls, which for me is kind of like calling me the n word. I pretty much literally turned into Marty McFly being called chicken when he said that. Don't you ever, EVER, say that I'm too scared to call this girl.

 

I finally went by her office for a last visit before the project ended, and I figured, "Here's your chance, stunt poop. Let this shy, sensitive girl know that it's ok for her to reciprocate feelings that she obviously, obviously has for me. She's been waiting for this."

 

I go into her office and ask if I can call her sometime. She gets nervous and says that she's busy moving, and maybe threw a sorry in there. No big deal, I can live with that, and see you later.

 

How the FUCK did I misread that one? At every step of the way, I misread her helpfulness and awkwardness for liking me, when it turned out she was just shy and a good worker.

 

Then again, I've pursued girls who unequivocably said that they'd love to go out with me, only to brush me off and never follow through. Or one girl who I thought for sure was lying when she agreed to go out with me because she didn't want to hurt me, and then she wanted to after all. Though she had a boyfriend, which she later told me, and said that she thought we were just hanging out. She probably just was a little interested in me and wanted to see if I was worth having on the side, which she decided I wasn't.

 

And it's not like I'm saying this is just something girls do to guys. These are my own limitations just reflected back at me. I'm sure of a few girls who were hurt by me in situations where I felt that they weren't clear with me and my actions were totally justifiable and clear. Sometimes I just was so oblivious that I had no idea a girl was into me after asking me out or hanging around me because I just assumed that she wanted to hang out as friends since I wasn't into her. It made me feel bad when it was a really nice girl and I just had no fucking clue that she thought we were anything other than friends. You may not be interested in someone, but it doesn't mean you don't like them as a person or want to do anything insensitive to them.

 

Life is fucked. Have fun, fellas.

post #2047 of 6111

Art, I'm generally not in favor of getting involved with people you work with. But in this case, you've let it build up too much and it's going to eat at you and drive you crazy until you just make a move and find out where you stand.

 

Ask her out. If she says yes, play it cool and careful with both your careers in mind, and take it slow. If she says no, you can move on and those feelings will start to fade. Work may be awkward for the first little while, but the distance between LA and Santa Barbara will be a convenience in the meanwhile.

 

Either way, you'll be better off than you are right now.

post #2048 of 6111

Art: see if she wants to grab lunch.  That's a 'co-worker' thing to do with zero pressure on either side to make things happen.  If you have to do it in a group, fine.  Try and push for a one-on-one lunch, though.  Do a couple of those and you should get a really good sense as to whether or not an actual date date type date thing is in the cards.

post #2049 of 6111

I met my wife at work, so I'm usually in favor of it. But I'd recommend taking it slowly and going low-pressure, because if it goes sour you could have some serious recurring awkwardness.

post #2050 of 6111

I met my wife at work too.  We've been married almost 14 years (good God where did the time go...).  Doing the 'it's just lunch' thing was the way to go, initially.

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