Dating Tips/Advice - Page 18

I will have sex @ u

 

You told me I was the only one you'd friend on fb to do that with you slut.

 

It kinda looks like this...

 

I'm striking out so consistently and spectacularly right now it's almost cathartic. I've been hearing stories about people bombing on stage actually getting into it and I think I may be starting to get at that point.

 

"This date is pretty hopeless. I may as well make it catastrophic by giving a lecture about the lore of the Warhammer 40k universe." And this is not some US metropolitan east or west coast dating environment where there is miniscule chance a girl may have heard of space marine. /nerd voice "It's actually Adeptus Astartes" /nerd voice. No. This is Greece. No one aside from the people I've met while gaming has any clue. It's like, as I'm talking I'm watching the light in their eyes go out. A friend's wife called me out on it the other day. She was kind of pissed.

 

Can I ask what she said exactly? This sounds like it coulda been kinda delicious.

Basically that I'm an "asshole" that "embarrassed" her to her friend. And that she was done trying to set me up with people.

 

The two attempts my best friend and his wife made at setting me up with someone were truly spectacular crash-and-burn events. Despite knowing me better than anyone on the planet, they apparently have no ability to pick someone out that is even halfway compatible with me.

 

In other words: her being done is probably for the best.

It's cool. I ain't even mad. Neither, I'm guessing, is she. Or if she is, it will pass. She deserves some crap though for apartment-blocking me. My buddy inherited this awesome apartment and when the lease on the then current renter would run out we'd move in together, me paying the apartment's bills instead of rent. And what an apartment it was... Right in the middle of the city, no more than a ten minute walk from all the bars, restaurants and theaters we would hang out at. Five minutes away from the university and overlooking a square that's a meeting place for students prior to nights out. It would have been the bachelor pad to end all bachelor pads. Until she seduced him, with her stupid "wake him up with a blowjob" tricks.

 

For that I must admit I'm a bit mad.

 

Having been married and seeing my still married friends try this with people I believe this firmly sits in "misery loves company" territory.  Your friends may know you but they don't care if the people they set you up with are compatible, they just want the two of you to hit it off just enough to delude yourselves into getting hitched and being miserable like they are.

Yeah, I don't think setter-uppers give much thought to compatibility.  It's a "we like you, we like her, so obviously you two would like each other" kinda thing.

 

Well for what it's worth, I read that and I have to admit I got a bit wet, if that makes you feel any better.

 

Honestly though, friend/relative hook-ups are the work of the devil. I had a good friend try setting me up with a friend of hers who also lived in Melbourne, and all it amounted to was a very stilted couple of emails and then her never replying. Considering I at least never got a date, which would've meant dealing with the lack of communication in person and in civilized surroundings, I consider that a bullet dodged. They get this idea of "Hey, I know this awesome person and that awesome person, so they have to be awesome together, right?", and it never adds up in reality.

 

"I like pizza, and I like ice cream, therefore . . . ice cream pizza!"

 

Ice cream pizza would make for way more interesting email conversations, let me assure you.

Update:

 

Ok, so last weekend I met with this young lass. It's a brief coffee meeting, nothing big. I assumed the whole thing was a bust because it was really awkward but at the end, I offhandedly ask her out again & she suggests that we become friends on FB to make plans to meet up again. Then, surprisingly, she hugs me.

 

So I write her a few days ago & invite her to grab some lunch & hang out this weekend. I also suggest that we exchange phone numbers. No response all week until just now on Saturday.

 

She writes that she's been "super busy" all week (a recent transplant to LA, she's been looking for work) and that "the next two weeks are going to be really crazy for me, not sure when I will be free". Noticeably, she doesn't give up her phone# (which is understandable, since we'd only met the ONCE for 45 minutes - via OkC nonetheless).

 

If she's not interested in hanging out with me, why friend me on FB? She had the option not to look me up & friend me. Why speak to me at all?

 

Either way, I wrote back to her with:

"No worries. I'm super busy myself.

Whatever you've got on your plate; whatever it is you need to do - Go get 'em, tiger.

If and when you're free, you have my number. I'll be around.

Cheers;)"

 

That's closure enough for me. Moving on...

Edited by Art Decade - 5/26/12 at 4:47pm

That's girl code for, "You're a really nice guy, but I'm not interested". 

 

I'm assuming the facebook add was for her to gain more friends in your area, since she is new.

 

 

I'm super busy is NOT an excuse, and any time someone uses it, they are trying to blow you off.  I've said it multiple times in this thread: if a woman is interested in you, she is going to contact you.  You will be a priority.  If she doesn't call, she's not into you. 

 

So many problems would be solved if you guys would just read this book and reverse the gender.  Seriously.

I thought it was going to be "Where's Waldo"

If i feel i'm off my game or it's not going well, I've found myself bombing intentionally as well. Bad dates can make great performance art. 

Yes, they definitely can be performance art. I know this from experience.

 

I just had a crazy wild insane night that I did not expect to have.

 

Nah, it's the approach a lot of people take - they don't want to hurt someone's feelings outright so they keep a minimal tortuous sort of communication, hem and haw, claim to be busy, in the hope that contact just kind of dies down eventually.

Exactly.  Nobody wants to be the bad guy. 

 

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. "Tortuous" is right. I could barely eat all week. This method of slow rejection would explain why she has over 400 FB friends. Her FB account isn't a stockade of friends & mates, it's a graveyard. Meh, this chick totally missed the boat with me. I'm a cracking good soldier.

 

In the end, wise or not, I've decided to "Don Draper"/"Pepe Le Pew" this thing over the next week or so. Nothing major, just a friendly note or two saying, "Hi, thought I'd see if you'd like to take a brief vacation from your super busy schedule and hang out with me for a spell. Surely, you could use a break from the chaos & I'm a good ear. What's your Saturday or Sunday looking like for you?".

Pointless? Probably. But I feel like I went out like a chump on this one - and I'm no chump. I'm the real deal. I'm Don f'ing Draper.

 

Anyway, we weren't really trying to "date", we were just looking for new friends. Some dating rules aren't gonna apply here.

Don't do it, Art. Drop it like it's Pluto. You have all the closure you're going to get. Move on to someone who deserves and wants your time and attention.

Sigh...yeah.

 

Fuck my fucking life with a fuck wand.

 

Dude... You're one of the coolest guys on this site, but I seriously want to slap you for writing this.

A quick shout out to those who are struggling in life & love. You're good people in a tough situation. I can't lie to you about your chances.... but you have my sympathies.

 

Respectfully, in nine out of ten cases I don't think it's that the guy honestly doesn't "get it"... it's that the girl's behavior is confusing and inconsistent.  If I followed Art's story correctly, he said the girl looked HIM up on Facebook and added him.  If she'd simply accepted HIS add, I'd say, "Yeah, she was just trying to be nice."  And if she'd hugged him at the end of Date 1 and then never tried to make contact with him again, I don't think Art (or anyone really) would be confused about her intentions.  It's that she DID make an effort to reach out (or seemingly so), then went ahead and blew him off anyway.

 

In a way, this is the danger of "Rule" books like "He's Not that Into You".  They tend to state rules as absolutes, and real life isn't always that cut-and-dried.  I'm willing to bet a book like that would say, "If she says yeah, let's hang out again, then doesn't return your calls, she's not that into you, but if SHE takes the initiative to contact you, she probably is."  In which case it wouldn't really have helped Art in this situation, LoL.  Because her signals were inconsistent.

 

One of the hardest things for me, learning how to "date" and whatnot, has been learning to be able to see the forest for the trees, something I'm still not incredibly good at.  I tend to exaggerate the significance of "good" signs and use them as an excuse to believe there's still hope.  Bad business, LoL.

 

Care to elaborate? Clearly I missed something.

 

 

 

Exactly. FINALLY somebody's laid out why this situation's been so bizarre & tortuous. Very inconsistent signals. She'd had every "out" available never to speak to me again but made contact anyway saying that she thought I seemed "pretty cool". All last week, my female friends were telling me that this girl's behaviour suggested that she'd enjoyed herself and wanted to see more of me. They were all surprised when she blew me off.

Edited by Art Decade - 5/27/12 at 5:04pm

Never show the fact you will be around waiting for her. Be confident. Next time set the date roughly at the end of the 1st IF YOU WANT TO.

You can text her afterwards with a question that she should reply back to, like what time you should meet up again. This is of course after reading her on the 1st date. You need to be paying attention to her like a hawk, just don't overtly look like you're hanging on every detail like a stalker.

End of a first date that went well:
Mention you had a good time with her (remember to keep the date positive) and that you want to see her again. If she mentions when she is free then GOLD. Then I'll mention a few things to do and we hash it out over the phone.

End of a first date that didn't go well:
"So that was fun, I'll call ya. "

If I thought it went well, but shes not interested:
Look this happens, and if I know she wasn't having fun, but I was, then I don't see her as anything with a future of any type. Then I'll usually not worry about it and move on.

I don't have lines, and I like to keep stuff organic. Above is by no means a set in stone method. It's possible to make a situation happen, but that's trade secrets.

Ignore this post.

Jesus...

 

Who's got two thumbs & is doing everything wrong?

This guy.

 

 

 

Yeah, that's what I got...and I'd rightly assumed that the "date" was bust at the time. But then she hugs me and looks me up on FB soon after, requesting my add. I'm there thinking "Wtf?". I add her, ask her out again, & then she blows me off anyway. Weirdo.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned previously, as I haven't read through the whole thread - but sometime gauging the interest of a prospective romantic partner isn't a binary analysis. It may not be as simple as "Either she's interested or she's not". It could very well be that this girl likes you - but there are other guys she likes more. She might be looking at you as a third-stringer rather than a starter. Someone to keep on the line just in case. A lot of people play that game.

That being said, allow me to reiterate what others have expressed: Move on and don't look back. You may never know her heart and mind, but you can definitely know her actions. And her actions speak to someone who is at best fickle and indecisive. That's bad news, brother.

Hopefully extraneous by this point, but

 

 

So many reasons...

 

1) Your initial reaction of placing the ball in her court was right. Though it probably means that, apart from the odd "like", you won't be hearing from her again, it allows you to move on with your life. And if she actually does call, you'll know she's interested.

 

2) Getting in touch again so soon, even though you've told her you wouldn't reeks of desperation. Desperation is pussy kryptonite. In fact, I have the feeling the overly eager vibe is getting in your way with women in general. It sub-communicates that you have nothing better to do and no other options.

 

3) You were pretty clear about the first date not being particularly great, but somehow you've blown this girl up in your mind into someone who's worth serious obsessing over.

 

and most importantly

 

4) YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!

 

Gotcha. Thanks.

I actually haven't sent her anything beyond that "you have my number. Bye" note so this point doesn't quite apply just yet. But it goes without saying nonetheless. Really, it'd been a couple of my buddies who'd suggested that I write something this week that prompted me to consider that route.

 

"Over-eagerness" has actually never been a problem for me. Quite the opposite actually - I've always been super-casual and have unknowingly let a number of potential relationships slip through my fingers because I'd missed my windows of opportunity. Being pro-active & a "chaser" is actually a new thing me.

Nah see, Im with Art here. Chances are he'll never see the girl again if he let things slide, so why the hell not go a bit 'scorched earth' on your way out the door?

 

It's the dating equivalent of a hate fuck. Nothing to lose, no longer emotionally invested so why the hell not? One more swing for the bleachers.

 

Am I the only one who wants more details here?

 

But then he validates whatever she thought about him, no?

Then again it is California so I am making an assumption that this is a vapid chick who moved to town to make it big and will soon be doing amateur porn for one more hit of meth.  Flame on, Art.

I guess the reason not to is why bother? I mean shit Art's a clever, fun and, I'm sure, handsome brother. So why sweat it? I'm having a good run right now but shit. in briefly being single I've found that women will sleep with you, ignore you, then want to sleep with you again. Hangout, say it was fun then never talk to you again, etc., etc., etc. Down here, for all the people, it's really "small town" and everyone knows everyone so why chance being "that guy" when you go on another blind date? "Oh he's that schizo that flipped his shit and kept calling/messaging/stalking my friend so and so! Meh, fuck it, you're better off just cutting your losses and moving on to the next one and let's be honest..Art, RD, every other lonely motherfucker in here like myself, there WILL be others. Oh yes. There will be.

 

This is some weird, hateful bile right here. 

Oh absolutely, I think what you guys are seeing as desperation Art and I are seeing - and correct me if Im wrong here Art - is more a point of pride. We know we're the shit, how the hell could this girl pass us up? Just give her one more chance to work out what she nearly missed and then if she's still that stupid, whatevs mate. Movin on...

 

I think some people may be attributing more desperation to Arts words than are warranted.

 

I'm sorry you felt I was serious.  You should have a drink and lighten up this fine holiday weekend.

 

 

If I told someone I was busy and received the following via email/text/etc.:

 

 

 

I would completely read that without any non-verbal cues to go on as a condescending fuck you to me and would either write the person off as an asshole or respond in kind with some below the belt snark.

 

I think Art should move on and not give this young lass any more satisfaction than he already has by possibly having come off as sitting at home waiting for her to get back in touch.

So I guess Art's lesson should be to live his life as spitefully and with as much anger as possible? Or are you still joking? 

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts on this matter. I apologize for taking over page 18 here.
 

 

Are you telling to go gay?! How is THAT gonna solve anything? Vapid chick? Entirely likely, but she's an illustrator who wants to go back to school to study Psychology.

 

What did she think of me? She said that I "seemed pretty cool", hugged me, then looked me up on FB and requested my add.

Quote:

I've hardly bothered her via FB. I wrote her a couple times to follow through with our lunch plans & a quick note saying "You've got my number. Bye".

Why bother?

 

Because we traded letters for a couple weeks on OkC before meeting and she clearly was interested in meeting the clever/funny/cool chap who'd written. But dye to my social anxiety, I botched the meeting and was unable to BE that guy - myself. The guy I am on CHUD. Frankly, I'm not going to let my social fuckin' anxiety ruin another potential friendship.

She & I are also alike in a crazy number of ways & we didn't really have a chance relate to one another. Also. she's craaaaaazy hot (in a gothy/nerd kinda way). My type to a "T".

My read of her is that she is both in a stressful situation (having just relocated) while simultaneously being unsure of herself. I don't know about anyone else, but I SEE an opportunity her to be a "rock". To be "the man". The guy who always comes through. The friendly voice in a new town that says "I've been in your situation. I like you. I want to help. Let's enjoy each other's company while we're at it". And, really, as gorgeous as she is, we'd met under the auspices that we were just looking for new friends & I'd only ever intended to be just that (for now).

So, no, I don't believe I'll ever hear from her again if I leave it up to her to get back to me. By leaving a short note or two in the coming weeks, I just want to briefly reinforce the fact that I'm the same wonderful guy that she'd corresponded with on Okc. What have I got to lose? The only question is WHEN?

Edited by Art Decade - 5/27/12 at 6:01pm

Spite? Anger? A jedi craves not these things*. I guess it all depends on how badly you want to bet the emotional farm on the beginnings of an encounter with a chick off the interweb. If you're already seeing yourself walking hand in hand down a beach at sunset, then sure I can see how anger, bitterness, spitefulness or general desperation may come into play if things go awry, but then I really don;t think anyone should be letting themselves get that emotionally involved that early in proceedings.

 

I'm not speaking for Art here, just myself, but at the early stages of courtship, surely it's all a bit of a game anyway?

 

 

 

 

*sorry.

True, it is most certainly a game. I'm just baffled how Tzu thought Art was being so condescending in his note. 

 

Actually, I sort of get how it can be read that way. There is a passive aggressive element to it that I personally would find very annoying. Maybe I do need a drink. 

 

Art, seriously man, the ball is not only in her court, but you've signed over all visitation rights as well. Please, for God's sakes, stop planning to send her more notes and stuff. I find not being left alone when I've asked to be left alone INFURIATING. It will kill even the goodest of good wills. 

 

Maybe you should go back and read what I wrote about him moving on with no further contact.  And maybe pick up on the cliche of people moving to California and falling into less than desirable situations.

 

*EDIT*  Emphasis mine for how I read it that doesn't sound very well without non-verbal cues. 

 

 

Vacation doesn't come off as fun or chummy but weird.  Emphasizing super busy vs. just saying schedule only serves to go further downhill.  And the break from the chaos routine seems to dimimish and demean what could actually be a busy time.

 

Maybe I am reading your words wrong but somewhere along the lines this chick has morphed in my head into the cigar chick from Swingers.  It appears she has blown into town and is moving and shaking to create the impression that she knows a fuckton of people in town yet has no real interaction with any of them.  I might be wrong and maybe Harley can chip in but from what I have read it seems you are letting her attractiveness override the rational part of your relationship brain.  You're most likely too good for that, Art.  Don't be that guy.  Move on.

Quote:

 

RD is spot on. I'm not desperate. I get letters from attractive women on OkC every other day. I'm not trying to get into some girl's pants. And there's a sexy waitress down the road who has a hard-on for me (her time will come).

 

The thing is that I'm just angry. Angry at myself for not being the wonderful guy I am online in person. My social anxiety completely cock-blocked me last week (as it has for many years). Now, as inconsistent as this particular girl's signals have been, they've also left shiny slivers of hope amidst a sea of disinterest & flakiness. Despite al the obvious negative points, the slivers of "potential reconnection" exist and if I'm going to fail at something. I damn well want it to be as the "real me". Not the anxious cunt that keeps fucking up my social life.

If she's going to be flaky - fine. If she's disinterested and screwing some skinny-jeaned cunt - fine. I don't care. But I am NOT going to fade away like a whimpering, anxiety-ridden chump. I can't control or guess her reaction but - dammit - I'm gonna exit this thing the same way I came into it - as the handsome, friendly, clever, cool chap I am.

Hell, the worst thing that could happen is that she'll defriend me (which I'll be doing in a couple weeks anyway). A friendly note from me to her at some point in the near future isn't going to matter to anyone but me. And that's fine. Again, the only question is "WHEN". I don't want to come across as off-putting in any way.

 

 

Not to belabor a point since we've both come to an understanding, but I know all about the cliche of people coming to California and falling into some less than desirable situations. And to me it's not just a cliche, it's a reality I've witnessed first hand. I've known a few lovely individuals who've prostituted themselves and much worse due to drug addiction, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy, even in jest. Your remarks struck me as inappropriate and flippant, and I reacted from a personal place, when I should have reminded myself that it'd be awfully hypocritical of me to suddenly take a stand against what is or is not appropriate to say and move on. Anyway, just some background on why I got so pissy. I don't want anyone thinking Blacky has a stick up his ass 24 hours a day. 

 

Other than that, we're in agreement. That note does come off pretty bad, but I don't think Art meant anything by it so I didn't read it that way. But it is a fair reading. 

 

Final thoughts on the situation time: Art, if you are really serious about wanting to be a friend to this girl, than you should respect her explanation that she's busy and wait for her to contact you again before additional contact. Also, just move on. 

I think what some folks are reacting to, Art, is that you kind of started out (right after your first date with the girl) saying, "Things didn't go that well, there wasn't much chemistry, don't know if I'm even interested in seeing her again.  But she gave me a hug afterward and then looked me up on Facebook, so what the hell, I'll give it another go.  Maybe we were both just nervous."

 

At some point after she dissed you, though, your attitude seems to have morphed into, "This was completely my fault, I fucked the situation up because I'm a social nincompoop, and I really want another chance to show this chick what a great guy I can be."  Why the change?  Is it just because she turned the situation around and rejected you?  I'm not criticizing, by any means (I'm the guy who follows chicks around for 4 months w/o getting any action, after all), but I can see why it might be coming across as kind of alarming to some people.  You seemed ready to let the situation go earlier, based on flimsier evidence than what you have now.  Again... what's changed?

 

 

P.S.: Apologies if I've misinterpreted your earlier (or later) posts.

Hmm...ya know what, Blacky? You are absolutely goddamn right. Thank you.

 

 

 

My summation in your top paragraph there was more of a "macro" take on the situation. The paragraph below is a "micro" take on it. Nothing changed from one point to another. Both paragraphs are accurate.

Edited by Art Decade - 5/27/12 at 6:32pm