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Dating Tips/Advice - Page 174

post #8651 of 9964

I guess I'm pretty boring. Only my obsession with pro football has ever given me any trouble with the ladies, but aside from owning a lot of jerseys (ten, by my last count), and spending every Sunday with friends and family, it's not really intrusive. My movie and video game hobbies have never been a problem, though I've gotten some strange looks after bringing a girl home and her seeing my oversized Seven Samurai poster on the wall:

 

 

But if Toshiro Mifune staring down at you with such intensity doesn't get you in the mood, I don't know what will. Anyway, most girls find my nerdiness endearing.

 

Iron, when Metallica came on, did you attempt to mosh with her on the dance floor?

post #8652 of 9964
I honestly think that if a gal's not interested, she's going to be like everyone in a post-release thread, and just look for things to nitpick. Maybe it's your taste in music, maybe it's your taste in horror movies, maybe it's your vague resemblance to the guy on "Homeland" (I keep hearing that one). Whatever it is, you're just not for her. So don't take it personally (although it's totally personal).
post #8653 of 9964
Quote:Originally Posted by Iron Maiden View Post
 

 

Quote:
 I thought she might like metal, so I jumped in with my fandom.  It creeped her out.

First mistake.  See my post from a page back.  Always ask questions.  Do not offer any info on yourself until you know what she likes or at least how she will respond.

 

 

Quote:
She had a particularly narrow view of metalheads, to say the least.

And you found this out the hard way, but not asking her questions first.

 

Quote:
About ten minutes after I tried to explain my fandom (if you're explaining, you're losing, right?),

 

She was probably looking for a way out 30 seconds into this explanation.

 

Quote:
Honestly, I've had issues before with people being a bit put off with my metal fandom, so it's something that normally only comes up after the third date or so.

Probably a good idea.  Don't get me wrong, I dabble in the metal-verse from time to time, it's all good, but many girls do not...as you might have noticed from going to metal concerts.  My wife used to not enjoy metal until I showed her some lyrics to songs that are super heavy, but actually have positive lyrics.  We are going to see Ministry and Rammstein this Friday.  ;)  She love Ministry because they are political, which is not apparent upon first listen when all you hear is noise and screaming...which girls do not usually respond to positively.  She's actually reading Al Jourgensen's memoir right now.  I should note that she wears nice clothes and is into wearing fashionable outfits.  You would never think she was into any metal by looking at her, so don't think that a girl couldn't have the potential to appreciate the things you like, but don't expect it right out the gate.   She also just bought two Deftones t-shirts.  I know, I'm lucky. :)   Metal is not her favorite type of music, but she is definitely open to it.  I should also note that I never played her ANY metal when we first started dating and even for quite some time after that.  I like everything so I just focused on what she was interested in that matched my tastes and grew from there.

 

 

Quote:
Whatever it was, I told her about my metal collection before even I was ready to give one of my "I love it, but I'm perfectly fine keeping it to myself" speeches, and I paid for it.

You shouldn't have a speech for this.  Like what you like, nothing wrong with it.  Just don't expect someone you just met, especially a girl, to be into a more fringe type of music.  Feel it out first.

Quote:

 

Does anyone else find it better to keep certain hobbies/interests for a second/third date because not everyone will understand?

Get her talking.  Find out what she likes.  See if you like what she says and go from there. 

 

It is a numbers game though, so don't sweat it.  Live and learn.  There are plenty of other girls out there that would love to see your Cannibal Corpse collection.   

post #8654 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle Reese View Post
 

Metal doesn't need to be explained, bruh. It simply is.

 

People who look down on others for their musical tastes are gross.

 

Went out with a girl once who told me about her scheme to print out fake Fallout Boy backstage passes so she could meet the band and bask in their presence. I didn't go out with her again because we had no chemistry, not because the Fallout Boy thing was insane and terrifying.


​Firstly, it's awesome that you bring up Fall Out Boy because it gives me a great opportunity to tell a dating story involving them.  Before the band made it big, the drummer stole a friend of mine's girlfriend.  I honestly don't know if the same guy is drumming for the band nowadays.  My friend went on to have a somewhat successful music career after a stint on "American Idol," so he's good.

 

Regarding metal, most people know me as "the metal guy," and I'm fine with that.  Like I was saying, I proudly own my fandom, plus it's not like I'm ever in people's faces about it.  I only wear my band shirts when I'm going to a metal concert, my last few girlfriends hated the genre so I simply never brought it up to them, my place isn't inundated with posters or memorabilia and there are plenty of other topics of conversation I can have with people before screaming out, "Have you heard the new Overkill?"  I'm perfectly fine keeping it to myself if people around me think it's weird.  Conveying that in the dating scene isn't particularly hard.  I've had plenty of practice over the years of going, "Oh, by the way, I like heavy metal," after a few dates and it not being a contentious issue.  But, it had been an issue in the past if I started off with it and it became a problem again with this most recent.  Sort of frustrating, but what can you do?

post #8655 of 9964
In the halcyon days of my online dating, I tried to use my profile to weed out anyone who'd be offended by my horrific taste in movies and juvenile sense of humor.

But alas, most gals just thought I was really funny and wanted to meet up, despite the fact that we had zilch in common... well, apart from thinking I'm hilarious.
post #8656 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evi View Post
 

 

I think it sort of depends what your interest in her is? If you're hoping to hook up then probably yeah, best to keep it to yourself until she knows you better but if you're looking for something long term then I think why not test the waters a bit (without going overboard). I looove horror films and I almost always mention that on a first date because I need someone who's at least cool with that. In other words, if she's such an asshole as to "get a call" after you've expressed your taste in music, maybe she's not good enough for you.


​Good call.  I should've been clearer on that.  I definitely saw something in this girl initially.  We gelled nicely, plus she was the one who wanted to extend the date and kissed me.  My thinking as the date went on was, "I really want to take her out again," but the metal thing was a dealbreaker for her.

post #8657 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by TzuDohNihm View Post
 

 

Wearing the gimp mask and laying out the cuffs and floggers on a Netflix and chill evening helps to make sure there are no misunderstandings.


​A few misunderstandings later, you start to get this stuff down pat.  Experience is key. 

post #8658 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by D.T. View Post
 

I guess I'm pretty boring. Only my obsession with pro football has ever given me any trouble with the ladies, but aside from owning a lot of jerseys (ten, by my last count), and spending every Sunday with friends and family, it's not really intrusive. My movie and video game hobbies have never been a problem, though I've gotten some strange looks after bringing a girl home and her seeing my oversized Seven Samurai poster on the wall:

 

 

But if Toshiro Mifune staring down at you with such intensity doesn't get you in the mood, I don't know what will. Anyway, most girls find my nerdiness endearing.

 

Iron, when Metallica came on, did you attempt to mosh with her on the dance floor?


​First of all, excellent choice in poster.  Being a movie lover has only been an issue with one girl, and that was definitely not a serious relationship.  I think I was watching Polanski's ​Repulsion​, and she got oddly angry about it.

 

And I definitely didn't mosh on the dancefloor, haha.  Mostly, I let her pick the songs when were dancing, but I did select Bowie's "Let's Dance" and Janet's "Rhythm Nation" - always good choices.

post #8659 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by RCA View Post
First mistake.  See my post from a page back.  Always ask questions.  Do not offer any info on yourself until you know what she likes or at least how she will respond.

 

I actually have a fairly similar philosophy.  Most of our date was 60/40 with her on the winning side.  This date was a rare example of me letting my guard down.  Pinpointing a reason is tough, which is mostly why I brought up all the injuries/low-ish confidence stuff over the last year.  I think it was essentially a mix of me being surprised that the date was going well and maybe not be ready for a date to go that well.  Maybe.

 

Quote:
She was probably looking for a way out 30 seconds into this explanation.

 

Agreed.  That's why the nerves kicked in.  My immediate thought was, "You're blowing this, aren't you?" 

 

Quote:
Probably a good idea.  Don't get me wrong, I dabble in the metal-verse from time to time, it's all good, but many girls do not...as you might have noticed from going to metal concerts.  My wife used to not enjoy metal until I showed her some lyrics to songs that are super heavy, but actually have positive lyrics.  We are going to see Ministry and Rammstein this Friday.  ;)  She love Ministry because they are political, which is not apparent upon first listen when all you hear is noise and screaming...which girls do not usually respond to positively.  She's actually reading Al Jourgensen's memoir right now.  I should note that she wears nice clothes and is into wearing fashionable outfits.  You would never think she was into any metal by looking at her, so don't think that a girl couldn't have the potential to appreciate the things you like, but don't expect it right out the gate.   She also just bought two Deftones t-shirts.  I know, I'm lucky. :)   Metal is not her favorite type of music, but she is definitely open to it.  I should also note that I never played her ANY metal when we first started dating and even for quite some time after that.  I like everything so I just focused on what she was interested in that matched my tastes and grew from there.

 

Liking metal is definitely not a dealbreaker for me, but I do gladly introduce it to girlfriends who, at least, feign interest.  In some cases, I created a few new fans.  In other cases, they just weren't interested and that's totally fine.  Ministry is a good example of an introductory band because of the lyrical content, as you mentioned.  It's always important to show that there's more to the genre than meets the eye.

 

I've also dated a lot of girls who I knew were metalheads right off the bat.  There are always cute, single girls at Iron Maiden shows, so I always make sure to put on my best Eddie shirt and get a nice haircut before a show.

 

Also, I'm glad you found someone who shares your interests.

 

Quote:
You shouldn't have a speech for this.  Like what you like, nothing wrong with it.  Just don't expect someone you just met, especially a girl, to be into a more fringe type of music.  Feel it out first.

 

It's not necessarily a speech.  More like a nonchalant, "yeah, metal's cool" blurb that I'll slowly add to at later dates.  I try not to make a big deal out of it.  I mean, it is a big deal to me, but I have a massive music collection that includes everything from Coltrane to Bowie and Wu-Tang to Daft Punk, so people will really only notice that almost half the collection is metal if they're scoping it out.

 

Quote:
It is a numbers game though, so don't sweat it.  Live and learn.  There are plenty of other girls out there that would love to see your Cannibal Corpse collection. 

 

My silver lining with this date was that I was kicking ass for all of it, except the last ten minutes.  It definitely sucked to see a girl I immediately liked back off over music, but I needed a good date after a series of complete mishaps and doubts about myself.  I essentially got that.

post #8660 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

I honestly think that if a gal's not interested, she's going to be like everyone in a post-release thread, and just look for things to nitpick. Maybe it's your taste in music, maybe it's your taste in horror movies, maybe it's your vague resemblance to the guy on "Homeland" (I keep hearing that one). Whatever it is, you're just not for her. So don't take it personally (although it's totally personal).

 

I was a little bummed, but, as I was explaining to RCA, I found my silver lining.

 

People have every right to nitpick, of course (I know I've done it), but it is good to hear people out too. 

post #8661 of 9964

Now here is a fandom that one should tread lightly with:

 

post #8662 of 9964
I like metal. Is the band In This Moment metal? If so, I like metal.
post #8663 of 9964
I understand the arguments made for not telling new girls about what you're into for fear of scaring them off - for me, it's Star Wars - but for Iron Maiden's girl to literally bail 10 minutes after he's told her he likes metal? Bullet fucking dodged my friend.

Unless you tell her something along the lines of you like drowning puppies, she's got fuck all reason to bail because you have differing tastes in music. None at all. Unless she's got the emotional range of a 12 year old. We're all into different things and even if she thought it was a no go from then onwards she could have at least finished the date in the current spirit you'd found yourselves in.

Don't ever, ever feel like you should have to hide part of yourself from anyone for fear of scaring them away. Like I said, unless you're truly into some disturbing shit, the be proud and vocal about what you like and who you are. The ones who aren't worth it, who can't see past surface detail are best forgotten.

She did you a favour by bailing. Now do yourself a favour and stop agonising over a missed opportunity - she wasn't worth it. Lucky escape.
post #8664 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post
 
I like metal. Is the band In This Moment metal? If so, I like metal.

 

Here's your metal certificate:

 

 

"Cardiac Rehabilitation Program" is just a super metal name for "makes-your-heart-stop heavy metal."

post #8665 of 9964
I also like Five-Finger Death Punch. They seem metal to me.
post #8666 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stale Elvis View Post

I understand the arguments made for not telling new girls about what you're into for fear of scaring them off - for me, it's Star Wars - but for Iron Maiden's girl to literally bail 10 minutes after he's told her he likes metal? Bullet fucking dodged my friend.

Unless you tell her something along the lines of you like drowning puppies, she's got fuck all reason to bail because you have differing tastes in music. None at all. Unless she's got the emotional range of a 12 year old. We're all into different things and even if she thought it was a no go from then onwards she could have at least finished the date in the current spirit you'd found yourselves in.

Don't ever, ever feel like you should have to hide part of yourself from anyone for fear of scaring them away. Like I said, unless you're truly into some disturbing shit, the be proud and vocal about what you like and who you are. The ones who aren't worth it, who can't see past surface detail are best forgotten.

She did you a favour by bailing. Now do yourself a favour and stop agonising over a missed opportunity - she wasn't worth it. Lucky escape.

 

In the end, yeah.  If metal conjured up that sort of reaction right off the bat, she was always going to be weirded out by it.  And, as I was alluding to before, it's not like I inundate people with my love of metal.  I'm definitely not taking over the house like this dude (who still found a girl who was okay with his obsessive hobby):

 

http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/August-2016/Adam-Reed-Tucker-Lego-Artist/?utm_campaign=Chimag+lego+7-13-16&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=Twitter

 

Quote:
What we see is just a fraction of the nine million Legos that fill Tucker’s house and, I assume, test the patience of his wife, Brittny. On the first floor, there are boxes of freshly delivered bricks and stray Legos intermixed with the toys of his 4-year-old son, Jaxson. (When I ask to take a peek at his basement workshop, Tucker confesses that his wife won’t let him because it’s “too messy.”) All told, Tucker’s collection boasts 26,000 sets, including some that even Lego doesn’t have in its archives.
 
“After I made some money, I thought it would be cool to buy a few sets and get my childhood back,” he says. “It became kind of compulsive.” (Uh, you think so?)

 

I spent most of my metal time amongst friends who share the interest.  Yeah, maybe I'll get a little annoying when a new Maiden album is on the horizon, but that's pretty much about it.

post #8667 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

I also like Five-Finger Death Punch. They seem metal to me.


​I motion to rescind your Cardiac Rehabilitation Program card.  There will be a tribunal in the "Metal" thread.  Headless Fett will preside.

 

We'll let you know.

post #8668 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iron Maiden View Post
 

​I motion to rescind your Cardiac Rehabilitation Program card.

 

In Brad's defense, I think he was joking. Both about Five Finger Death Punch being metal, and also liking them.

 

Right, Brad?

post #8669 of 9964
I saw them in concert last fall.
post #8670 of 9964
...because they opened for someone better?
post #8671 of 9964
How dare you?!
post #8672 of 9964

FFDP is definitely not my cup of tea, but they did get Rob Halford to guest on an album, so you can keep your card, Brad.

post #8673 of 9964
It's good jogging music, you guys!
post #8674 of 9964
I feel this is the right time to come out and say.
I like old school Britney Spears. It's not my fault, Pandora's algorithm is set that at least 10% of whichever genre you choose is Britney. Life is a circus and she's the ringleader.
I will never tell my GF.
post #8675 of 9964
Quote:
 Unless you tell her something along the lines of you like drowning puppies, she's got fuck all reason to bail because you have differing tastes in music. None at all.

 

Unless she's a metalhead. Or Goth. Or basically a member of any music-centered subculture. Emo/alternative chicks are elitist as fuck when it comes to that stuff.

post #8676 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

I like metal. Is the band In This Moment metal? If so, I like metal.


If it was in my power, I'd bring back neg-repping and go all Tony Montana on you.
post #8677 of 9964
I have an ITM t-shirt from when I saw them in concert last year. It's got Maria Brink and a couple wolves on it. Pretty fuckin' metal.
post #8678 of 9964

I can't believe any chewer listens to that band. It breaks my heart. At least it wasn't a huge surprise when I found out that Woodward was a Fall Out Boy fan, I can deal with that because you expect that of him, but this? This burns a man down to his soul.

post #8679 of 9964
Does it raise your respect for me if I tell I've never even heard of that band?
post #8680 of 9964

I have it on good authority that Jesus is effing metal.

post #8681 of 9964
If it makes you feel any better, I think Fall Out Boy stinks.
post #8682 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelM View Post

Does it raise your respect for me if I tell I've never even heard of that band?

You have to listen to it and *know* that it sucks. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.
post #8683 of 9964

Hey! In This Moment is great...


...if you're a 15 year old girl who's just getting into metal.

post #8684 of 9964
Codename gets it.
post #8685 of 9964

I just sampled them via YT. It's like someone heard Evanescence and thought, "Not enough Hot Topic in there."

 

Shorter version: fucking terrible.

post #8686 of 9964
I, uh, I saw Evanescence in concert last fall.

Pretty fucking metal.
post #8687 of 9964

There's nothing better than movies and food (home or cinema and restaurant) ♥ 

post #8688 of 9964
Brad disagrees. Clearly an Evanescence concert is way better.
post #8689 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

I, uh, I saw Evanescence in concert last fall.

Pretty fucking metal.

 

post #8690 of 9964
Last year was a good year for concerts.
post #8691 of 9964
I was about to jump in and say something else, but it'd break some promises I made to myself long ago. So I thought I'd just say that I'm immensely enjoying this thread right now. Don't ever change, Bradito, and fuck all the naysayers.
post #8692 of 9964
Oh, I've fucked most of the naysayers.
post #8693 of 9964

I'm starting to think there's something to Bradito's love everything approach.  

post #8694 of 9964

Don't just love the playa... love the game.

post #8695 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Freeman View Post

I'm starting to think there's something to Bradito's love everything approach.  

Let love in, Freeman!
post #8696 of 9964
So I met this woman who is 5 years older than me (she is 41 to my 36). We had long back and forth talk on okcupid. I was not particularly in any hurry to start anything and had my profile up more out of blind habit than anything else. Finally she said "hey this chatting is nice but let me know if you wanna get a drink or something".

We met at a bar on the weekend. She was tall, elegant, somewhat attractive. In my own shallow guy way I wasn't that attracted to her physically. I wasnt necessarily unattracted to her either... but if I randomly saw her at the market I probably wouldn't have looked twice.

Anyway, we had a couple drinks and actually had an amazing stimulating conversation. She was articulate, well read, intelligent and had a sexy voice. Some part of me was getting "turned on". We started getting physical fairly quickly and I was surprised at how uninhibited she was. I'm not the biggest fan of public affection anymore... I stopped drinking a year ago (just randomly lost interest) and I had no problem getting hot and heavy with a woman at a bar since I'd usually be loaded. Now that I was sober (I didn't mind having a few drinks that night, I just don't drink otherwise) I was sort of shy about making out in public.

Anyway, we went to another venue, got even more physical at a nearby creek. She seemed a lot more interested me in me than I was in her. It's not that I wasnt interested, just not to the extent she was and was only mildly physically attracted to her.

After a lot more making out we called it a night. And we spoke on the phone just about every day for the next two weeks. Which doesn't happen often. I liked her a great deal as a conversationalist, and we had many insightful talks. She wanted me to come have dinner at her place. She ended up getting sick so we had to postpone it, which is why we went two weeks just talking on the phone.

Dinner was tonight. Again, loved talking to her, we got very physical and had sex. It had actually been a while for me so I was having a bit of trouble at first but it turned out to pretty nice. Except she wanted me to go down on her and I don't like doing that but was guilted into it since she went down on me with gusto.

Then it happened. After I blew my load I lost almost all interest in her. I believe she could tell and I could sense disappointment when I told her I didn't want to sleep over (made up some bullshit about not being ready). And looking at her afterward naked I was even more unattracted to her. She looked old and "saggy". I felt terribly guilty about these feelings. I am not a cruel person and don't like leading women on but I also can't lie to myself about how I'm feeling.

It sucks because in my mind I had built up a bunch of expectations about a possible future with her...on the phone it was brilliant. Stimulating conversation followed by intimate lovey-dovey talk and even phone sex. It was intense. But then reality hits and its like "huh?". Again, I feel bad. I would rather have everything work out. It is not just the physical thing that dropped off just the whole illusion of a future went up in a puff of smoke. I just didn't care to see her anymore and still don't a few hours after coming home from her place.

I guess this could mean I'm some sort of superficial asshole. She is definitely the best dating situation I had since moving to Austin three years ago, but that's not saying terribly much since the others were pretty bad.
post #8697 of 9964

I think we're gonna need Bradito on this one.

 

But hey, if you're not feelin it man, you're not feelin it. That's life. It's no big deal, we're all driven by our human desires and emotions. Just because it looks objectively right thinking about it at a distance doesn't mean it's right for you.

post #8698 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambler View Post

 Except she wanted me to go down on her and I don't like doing that but was guilted into it since she went down on me with gusto.
 

I knew it was over when I read this.

 

Things happen, don't feel bad about it. You gel with people physically but not mentally all the time. You just had it the other way round.

post #8699 of 9964

As far as the losing attraction after sex, that's a biological thing. Feeling guilty about it means you're a good person, but it's not necessarily your fault. It's hard to explain without sounding like a shallow asshole, but there's been times for me where dates, phone conversations, make-out sessions and more are going really well, and as soon as the situation reaches sex, that spark is suddenly gone and I've lost interest. It was never my intent to use that person or mislead them, and aside from one unique situation, the women I've been with I've had interest in having a relationship with.

 

I don't know if I was finding the person more attractive because of a psychological and physical need for sex and having it pressed the reset button or what, but sadly it doesn't do much to help the idea many women have about men only being interested in it. But it happens, and it's awkward and makes you feel like a complete dick, but it's uncontrollable.

post #8700 of 9964
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyle Reese View Post

I think we're gonna need Bradito on this one.

Ahahahahaha! What do I know? It's best to just beat off. Fewer hurt feelings.
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