
Coach: [answering the phone] Cheers. Ok, wait a minute, I'll check. Is there an "Ernie Pantusso" here?
Sam: That's YOU Coach.
Coach: Speaking.
Coach: I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading it.
Sam: Who's your secret admirer?
[Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does]
Carla: None of your damn business!
Coach: What'd she say?
Sam: "None of your damn business."
Coach: [angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball?
Sam: You DID, Coach.
Coach: Oh, then we're even.
Coach: Norm. Normie, you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream? I wanted to play baseball, and uh, maybe coach a little you know, and then afterward tend bar in a nice place. And look what happened to me?
Sam: Coach, that's exactly what happened to you.
Coach: Oh yeah. No wonder I'm such a happy guy.
Coach: [about being held back a grade at school] It's just as bad to skip a grade.
Carla: You skipped a grade, Coach?
Coach: Yeah. I skipped four. High school I think they called it.
[Sam walks into Cheers. Sees a few huge boxes in front of the bar.]
Sam: Ahhh, come on Coach, is this what I think it is?
Coach: What do you think it is?
Sam: I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Coach: Boy, you're good at thinking Sam.
Sam: [reads the boxes] Oh. The "Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter".
Coach: Yeah. But it's not useless Sam. You can make it into a ping-pong table, a knock-hockey table, a salad bar...
Sam: How much?
Coach: Oh, I don't know. A buck. A buck and a half with croutons.
Sam: No, Coach. I mean how much for the whole thing?
Coach: Oh, six hundred bucks Sam, but the salesman said, the salesman said satisfaction guaranteed.
Sam: Or...?
Coach: Now, that would have been a good question.