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ROCK OF AGES (2012) Discussion Thread

post #1 of 28
5/30/12 at 10:47pm
Thread Starter 

I'm in love with Julianne Hough's thighs.


Edited by mcnooj82 - 5/31/12 at 10:01am
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post #2 of 28
5/31/12 at 2:16am

Is that why you messed up the title? Typing with one hand?

 

But yeah, having only watched her in Footloose, her thighs are indeed loveable.

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post #3 of 28
5/31/12 at 2:54am

I first saw her in Proactive commercials. I'm thinking, with a body like hers, I could put up with a few zits.

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post #4 of 28
5/31/12 at 7:21am

This is one of those guilty pleasures that I'll end up seeing alone as I can literally find NOT one of friends who'll agree to go with me.  They're all like, "Yeah, have fun with that."  [eyeroll]

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post #5 of 28
5/31/12 at 8:45am

If this ends up being even half as fun as Hairspray then I'm in.

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post #6 of 28
5/31/12 at 9:09am
Thread Starter 

I only saw Hairspray once in theaters, but I think I enjoyed that film more than this one.

 

But it's pleasant enough.  I enjoyed myself.  I don't think there were really any standout musical sequences that truly came alive.

 

But I ended up caring about the central romance and Cruise was a lot of fun as well.  A number between Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand brought the house down, but it was really teetering on the edge of an SNL skit (I mean, Will Forte shows up a couple of times wearing a really fake mustache).

 

For some reason, I didn't know Bryan Cranston was in this.  But even then, he's not in it much.  Catherine Zeta-Jones gives an aggressively spirited performance, but her character's subplot has little bearing on the story as a whole.

 

But still... those thighs.

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post #7 of 28
5/31/12 at 10:50am

Teasing aside, I feel that as a musical fan I was kind of obligated to watch it even if it isn't set during my favorite iteration of rock. Nice to see it actually is kind of worthy.

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post #8 of 28
5/31/12 at 11:07am
Disregard...read it wrong.

Glad to hear this is kinda fun.
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post #9 of 28
5/31/12 at 11:50am
Thread Starter 

It's really too bad for this movie that GLEE happened.  The movie's 'revivalist' use of the Journey song ends up feeling like it has the wind taken out of it.

 

As for the movie never having a musical sequence that really stood out...  I lay a bit of blame on the theater's sound.  Nothing particularly wrong with it.  But it's ROCK.  It should be splitting my ears for the big numbers.  Instead it was just pleasant and comfortable mix.  That felt wrong.

 

There were lots of old people at the screening.  TURN IT UP FOR THEM!  TURN IT UUUUUPPPPP!!!!

 

None of this matters!  I'm seeing PROMETHEUS tonight!  Bwahahah


Edited by mcnooj82 - 5/31/12 at 12:07pm
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post #10 of 28
5/31/12 at 2:13pm

Among the many points this film has against it, the world features two no-doubt evils - hair metal, and jukebox musicals.

I just can't.

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post #11 of 28
6/12/12 at 8:25am
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcnooj82 View Post

I'm in love with Julianne Hough's thighs.

 

I'm in love with lots of things about her. Growr. 

 

Anyways this is...well, it's harmless. But that's a big knock against it. It shouldn't be harmless. It should have something to say and it should have some bite, but it's really just a huge heap of cotton fucking candy. I think that's okay to an extent; if it gets its hooks in you early, it'll carry you all the way through to the end and you'll leave having had a great time, even though the movie's a train wreck on any level you can perceive it. But unlike Hairspray, Rock of Ages just isn't saying much of anything other than "rock and roll!" over and over again.

 

I'm curious if anything in here is an invention for the film or if the whole thing is translated well from stage to screen. 

 

Final judgment: this is almost worth seeing for Tom Cruise alone. And the "I Want to Know What Love Is" number, which may be the most batshit weird, insane, and hilarious thing I've seen all year. 

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post #12 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:34pm

I'm going to show my homerism here and say that, if you cut the kids completely (as MUCH as that pains me to say regarding Ms. Hough), and slightly beef up, oh, I dunno... Will Forte's two minute role, just for the sake of being arbitrary, than this would be one fun, forgettable seventy five minute movie. Unfortunately the kids are there and strap in, motherfuckers, this thing is over two hours long.

 

Kudos to the Rock Of Ages team, for taking some of the worst songs ever written and somehow making them even WORSE. I started to wonder what a KidzBop version of this movie would be like, since the sound and musical arrangements are on that level.

 

The fact that Adam Shankman can't shoot for shit, combined with obvious fakey sets and a setting that's 98% nighttime means this isn't even nice to look at.

 

But THE CRUISER. RESPECT. Dude brings it, in a role that's COMPLETELY beneath him. I understand a lot of his characterization isn't from the source, which makes it even more awesome. Also, dude- guy looks like he just stepped off the set of Legend.

 

Giamatti's fun and sleazy, which everyone was counting on, I guess. Everyone else is just killing time with shit kareoke, especially Mary J. Blige, who runs a strip club and always seems sad, but shows up just when the white girl is at her lowest moment, and then picks her up, before, uh, exiting the narrative. Look, I'm just saying what happens here.

 

Tom Cruise also totally sings into Malin Ackerman's butthole. In fairness, she sings into his pubes. Leave the kids at home.

 

Kind of bad, but if you like the music, I guess you'll be into it.

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post #13 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:42pm

As one one of the few, if only, Hair Metal fan here, I have no desire to see this. However, the clips I've seen, Cruise does look like he has the stage presence of a rock star. He could have pulled off Lestat as a singer if The Vampire Lestat was made into a movie. Its damn shame Interview with a Vampire never got a proper sequel.

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post #14 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:46pm

Originally Posted by Gabe T View Post

Among the many points this film has against it, the world features two no-doubt evils - hair metal, and jukebox musicals.

I just can't.

 

So, um, Gabe! What do you think of... saaaaay... Moulin Rouge? Just curious.

 

Oh, this gun? And torture implements? I don't have them for any reason. They're just here. They're for... bad people.

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post #15 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:54pm

We Will Rock You is the only jukebox musical I've seen, via youtube. I enjoyed it. I'm a huge Queen fan, so that had a lot do with it. I did like that the story was so weird; Pop Idol created a dystopia where music is only made by computers and live instruments are banned. The dude who played Nigel on The Young Ones was in it. He played an old hippie.

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post #16 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:54pm

Ugh, this fuckin thing even existing in the first place. Where to begin.

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post #17 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:56pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabe T View Post

 

Tom Cruise also totally sings into Malin Ackerman's butthole. In fairness, she sings into his pubes. Leave the kids at home.

 

 

Maybe it's because that pool table scene reminded me of the rape scene in Watchmen (starring Ackerman's superhero mom!), that scene came across pretty risque for a PG-13 movie.  This IS PG-13, right?  Am I just a total prude now?  Won't someone please think of the children?

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post #18 of 28
6/12/12 at 9:59pm

I heard that they really neutered the Stacee Jaxx character in the film as opposed to the stage show.  Boo.

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post #19 of 28
6/12/12 at 10:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mcnooj82 View Post

Maybe it's because that pool table scene reminded me of the rape scene in Watchmen (starring Ackerman's superhero mom!), that scene came across pretty risque for a PG-13 movie.  This IS PG-13, right?  Am I just a total prude now?  Won't someone please think of the children?

Yeah, they really get into it. I even thought the love between the two leads would be pretty virginial, but nope, sex is just part of a montage.

Was amused that Cruise and Ackerman spill into the bathroom and break open a machine, allowing condoms to cascade over them.

 

On the other hand, there's Hough being all, "And now I'm a stripper!" all sad and shit, where she works at more of a burlesque club where no one EVER removes any clothing.

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post #20 of 28
6/13/12 at 6:58am

Frankly, I could have watched Ackerman and Cruise destroy bathrooms and belt out terrible song lyrics into each other's orifices for two hours. I didn't much care for Hough and Boneta's time together. Though I thought Hough availed herself better here than she did in Footlose (in terms of her non-dance number moments).

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post #21 of 28
6/13/12 at 7:31am

Gabe, if you're lumping in folks like Pat Benatar, Def Leppard and the Scorpions into that "worst songs ever written" group, we may need to have some words. As far as Poison, Foreigner and REO Speedwagon... well, I still love them despite their stupidity.

 

Then again, dumb lyrics in rock and pop songs don't seem to bother me nearly as much as stupid ones in theatrical musicals. I wonder why that is?

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post #22 of 28
6/13/12 at 10:51am

This was a good time. Cruise singing "I Want to Know What Love Is" directly into Ackerman's ass is one of the real highlights of 2012 so far.  

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post #23 of 28
6/13/12 at 11:51am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Spider View Post

Gabe, if you're lumping in folks like Pat Benatar, Def Leppard and the Scorpions into that "worst songs ever written" group, we may need to have some words. As far as Poison, Foreigner and REO Speedwagon... well, I still love them despite their stupidity.

 

Then again, dumb lyrics in rock and pop songs don't seem to bother me nearly as much as stupid ones in theatrical musicals. I wonder why that is?


Well, what's galling is that the main character gets "co-opted" by the evil record executive, who wants to turn him into a hip-hop boy band star. And the movie's attitude is like, psh, r&b is for idiots and fools. JOURNEY is where it's at!

 

There was also something interesting about this all-white boy band coming on stage in a rock club seemingly populated only by white people getting pelted with garbage and booed off the stage. Again, look, I'm just saying what happens here.

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post #24 of 28
6/13/12 at 12:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by roboTimKelly View Post

This was a good time. Cruise singing "I Want to Know What Love Is" directly into Ackerman's ass is one of the real highlights of 2012 so far.  

 

Now, this right here makes me watching it a complete certainty. Me being a fan of both Cruise and malin Ackerman's ass.

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post #25 of 28
6/16/12 at 1:20pm
No sir, we didn't like it.
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post #26 of 28
6/26/12 at 12:18pm

My wife and I liked it, though it was kind of like laughing at an inside joke.  Fortunately most of the crowd we saw it with was roughly the same age as us.
 

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post #27 of 28
10/1/12 at 1:55am

It's cute. It could be from me being blinded by Hough and Ackerman in '80s rock chick garb but that's what I thought about it. It was cute. Seemed like the type of movie that was made for the "moral majority" rather than anyone actually into rock. Even its raunchiest part, the Cruise/Ackerman duet, lacked the sleaze I instantly associate with and demand from anything about '80s hair metal. Throw in some drugs, have Hough actually fuck Cruise or that bland lead actually fuck some groupie. We're talking about one the most sexually charged popular subcultures ever.

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post #28 of 28
10/21/12 at 5:17pm
Tom is great. I hope I look as good as he does in a couple years. The blu-ray does Julianne's every curve and pore justice. The movie is boring as shit.
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