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Terrible things, deep down you always wanted to do - Page 2

post #51 of 102

Them's the brakes, kid.

post #52 of 102

I have a small ceramic piggy bank that fits perfectly in the palm of my hand (I have small hands, even for a girl).  I would love to fill it with change, wind up like a Major League pitcher, and then crush it against someone's temple.  It would be so good for that.

 

 

Hit someone with my car.  Not under the wheels, but over the hood and roof with a satisfying *thaDUMP-DUMP*

 

 

And finally, I'd love to finally empty my rage on some deserving student....no, a whole class.  They would bellyache about study guides or grades or whatever one time too many and I would just unload on them.  YOU MADE A D ON THE TEST NOT ONLY BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T STUDY, BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE STUPID.  THAT'S RIGHT.  IRRESISTIBLY, IRREVOCABLY STUPID.  NO AMOUNT OF COLLEGE WILL HELP.  YOUR BRAIN SIMPLY CAN'T KEEP UP.  AND NOT ONLY ARE YOU ALL STUPID, BUT YOU'RE ALSO THE MOST IGNORANT, ILL-MANNERED, ENTITLED LITTLE SHITHEADS THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED AND NO ONE CAN FIX YOU.  YOU MAKE ME HATE HUMANITY.

 

*ahem*

post #53 of 102

Go intoa  supermarket and put Nair, or Veet or some other depilatory product in random bottles of shampoo.

 

Accelerate towards the jaywalking teens who slow down when you're approaching them and eyeball you as if darin you to knock them over.  Just once I would love to call their bluff.

post #54 of 102

When I was in high school I had a job cleaning up and restocking the toy department of a Superstore during the holiday rush. After a few weeks of screaming toddlers running around and throwing toys everywhere I started getting fantasies about kicking one like a football to see how much air they would get. 

post #55 of 102

spiking the ranch dressing at a salad bar with syrup of ipecac.

post #56 of 102

400

...in the butt.

post #57 of 102
Yeah, because I do a lot of driving for my job, cyclists are a huge pet peeve of mine. Nothing is worse than being stuck behind Biff and his buddies spandex asses half way out of the bike lane on PCH at noon on Saturday. With apologies to Dr. Harford, I'd love to attach a gentle cow catcher to the front of my truck.
Edited by Turingmachine75 - 11/29/12 at 12:01pm
post #58 of 102

Stick a pole through a moving bike wheel Indiana Jones style.

post #59 of 102

I'd like to visit a retirement community and take the rubber tips off of their canes and walkers...

post #60 of 102

I've had a recurring fantasy since I was a teenager of going to a Klan rally with a gatling gun and mowing down every single person there. And then another, and another...

post #61 of 102

I've always wanted to throw Molotov cocktails at standing buildings and watch them burn. I think I definitely have pyro tendencies. 

post #62 of 102

Gentle cow catcher wins the thread!

post #63 of 102

Be a fascist dictator.  I'd brutally oppress everyone, but they'd be oppressed equally! 

post #64 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glisten View Post

Wipe Hungary off the face of the Earth.

 



Why?

post #65 of 102

Fooking Huns.

post #66 of 102
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by erik myers View Post

He wrote that in response to my refutation of the "brilliance" of PARKS AND RECREATION. I apparently lack a soul and I'm also apparently a bad person; not bad enough, however, to post a picture of a crying child in response to a cyclist's aggravation with being nearly run off the road by douchebag drivers.

 

Carry on, nothing to see here.


Oh God, get over it, you crybaby.

post #67 of 102
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hundred View Post

Be a fascist dictator.  I'd brutally oppress everyone, but they'd be oppressed equally! 

You can live this dream with the Civilization games!

post #68 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hundred View Post

Be a fascist dictator.  I'd brutally oppress everyone, but they'd be oppressed equally! 

 

I've always wanted to be a cult leader. Be revered, turn kids against their parents, convince women the messiah-aliens want them to have sex with me. Sounds like a blast.

post #69 of 102

I want to be a post-apocalyptic warlord that would train an army/harem of hashishim gymkata snipers.  I even have a design for command and control software that communicates with an ad-hoc network of arm-mounted smart phones for tactical micromanagement.  I would deploy them to raid the countryside from my luxury Vegas pent-/greenhouse.

post #70 of 102

damn double

post #71 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken Savage View Post

Stick a pole through a moving bike wheel Indiana Jones style.

Oh I´ve actually done this. It was dumb luck to as I just tossed a stick while my brother was riding by, I was like 9 or ten and thought the stick would just break.

post #72 of 102
Say "shut up cunt" to my mother-in-law at a family dinner when she is making snide remarks about my parenting skills.
post #73 of 102

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bluelouboyle View Post

Say "shut up cunt" to my mother-in-law at a family dinner when she is making snide remarks about my parenting skills.

 

That's called "Giving Granny the ol' Lithgow".

post #74 of 102

Exactly.  Man, I love daydreaming...

post #75 of 102

When someone is talking on the phone during the movie, I've always wanted to stand up, grab the thing out of their hands, fling it against the screen, pull the perpetrator out into the aisle and proceed to kick him (or more likely, her) out of the theater. And by 'kick' I mean actually kick them until they're crawling and can't walk for a week.

 

I would do unspeakable, tortuous things to every asshole who doesn't understand what the fuck headphones are on public transport. I'd toss all the steel drums and steel drum players who set up shop at the West 4th street stop on the subway onto the tracks and cackle maniacally while I get some goddamn peace for a change.

 

Slap the shit out of noisy and obnoxious kids in restaurants, then slap their offended parents and call them out on their shitty parenting skills and 'No, I'm not a parent, but I don't have to be to know you're a fuckup asshole who shouldn't be breeding.'

 

I think I may have some anger issues...

post #76 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc Happenin View Post

When someone is talking on the phone during the movie, I've always wanted to stand up, grab the thing out of their hands, fling it against the screen, pull the perpetrator out into the aisle and proceed to kick him (or more likely, her) out of the theater. And by 'kick' I mean actually kick them until they're crawling and can't walk for a week.

 

 

This one time a mate of mine just lost it at a couple of gabby teenage girls and threw his Coke on them, causing them to run out of the cinema and never return. I can honestly say it was one of the most satisfying moments of my life.

post #77 of 102

The last time I saw a movie in a theater (and probably the reason why) the guy next to me kept pulling out/turning on a portable handheld electronic device every 3 minutes bathing me and all around him with blue light from it's screen. After about half an hour of this I pulled a stiletto out of my pocket, activated it and told him "DON'T PULL THAT OUT AGAIN TILL THE CREDITS ROLL'.

He got up and found another seat.

And I've not been in a movie house since (Hellboy 1 premiere ).

post #78 of 102
What the world needs is a black-market cell-phone jammer that theater patrons can use to turn an abuser's phone call into nothing but electronic shrieks and howls. At max volume.
post #79 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evi View Post

 

This one time a mate of mine just lost it at a couple of gabby teenage girls and threw his Coke on them, causing them to run out of the cinema and never return. I can honestly say it was one of the most satisfying moments of my life.

 

I have a mate who literally pitched his bucket-sized coke over three rows, scoring a direct hit on a guy who took a phone call during a movie. And he's a freelance film critic, which just goes to show there are still a few diamonds out there.

The same guy also nearly throttled the head critic at the state's premier newspaper for fucking with his iPad at full brightness during a movie - not even a press screening mind you, but a public showing. Being very familiar with that guy's work, it didn't surprise me at all.
 

post #80 of 102

I've had my boyfriend pop off on someone in the theater for my sake.  I'd had a loooooooooooong week at school, and he took me to one of our local indie theaters to watch No Country For Old Men.  Empty theater since this was at the end of the film's run, but soon some teen douche presumably snuck in and started talking on his phone.  My man, my hero turned around to him and said, very calmly, "Shut the FUCK up or I'll take you down and my girlfriend will watch."  

post #81 of 102

CONTINUE THE STORY!!!

post #82 of 102

I want to erect statues to every one of you or your friends who has done something like that. Bravo sirs and madams.

post #83 of 102

kinda want to fart on a baby lately

post #84 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake View Post

kinda want to fart on a baby lately


Kinda like pissing on a lawn sprinkler. Redundant. If you make said baby puke with your ass breath then that would truly be brag worthy. Even making the baby cry from the noise of a really loud fart would be awesome. Let us know when you do it. Seriously when you going to do it?

post #85 of 102
I find that a terse "You're not going to continue to talk through the whole fucking movie now, are you?" just loud enough for everyone to hear has worked just fine in the past.
post #86 of 102

A good horror movie would be where the filter that keeps the people from doing these things gets shut off. Sure there's The Signal and Stephen King's The Cell, but those are just about pure mass madness per se.
 

post #87 of 102
Romero's The Crazies and Cronenberg's Shivers as well.
post #88 of 102

Slap a pizza box out of someone's hands.

post #89 of 102

Might not be considered terrible by most standards, but I've always wanted to have a one night stand.

 

See a girl I wanted, confidently walk over and take her back to my place for a night of fun, with no strings attached or worries about what comes next.

post #90 of 102
Not terrible. It's worth having one just to get it out of your system. Had my one and few weeks ago
post #91 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by D.T. View Post

Might not be considered terrible by most standards, but I've always wanted to have a one night stand.

 

See a girl I wanted, confidently walk over and take her back to my place for a night of fun, with no strings attached or worries about what comes next.

you shall, my friend, you shall...

 

while we're on the subject of sex, are terrible things I HAVE done on the table? I mean I've never done anything illegal or violent or hurtful, but I know of at least a couple stuff I've done that are... just not right

post #92 of 102
Quote:
Originally Posted by andrevellozo View Post

you shall, my friend, you shall...

 

while we're on the subject of sex, are terrible things I HAVE done on the table? I mean I've never done anything illegal or violent or hurtful, but I know of at least a couple stuff I've done that are... just not right

 

Call me old fashioned, but I'm of the mind that if everyone involved is a consenting human of legal age, very little is "terrible".

 

That said? Yes. It's story time.

post #93 of 102

don't worry, all involved were consenting adults!!!!!

 

unfortunately I don't have time to write them down now, but I promise you'll get your copy by the end of the day sir!!

post #94 of 102

Today my project leader decided to lay down some ground rules and took the opportunity to remind us that she had been put in charge. I can't tell you how much I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder after that statement and say, in a loud Bane voice, "Do you feel in charge?"

 

I didn't of course. And therefore still have a job.

post #95 of 102

ok so here be my stories.. and honestly, they might SEEM TO read into making me into a PLAYAAAA but, quite honestly, I still feel like an asshole for these 2 things. if you think the things I did in these stories are "cool" or "something to emulate", then I would suggest psychiatry ASAP. this is NOT behaviour to aspire to.

 

situation 1: early 2008 - was going out with my best female friend's best friend for a while. nothing MAJOR. so, one thursday, me and my best female friend go clubbing, get drunk, and go to town on each other at my place.... THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DETAIL: LOTS of... "FINGER" action. 

what I didn't mention is that drunk asshole me was going out with this girl's best friend, who shows up the next night at my place for some action. I tried holding her back but I was too weak. so... needless to say... I sorta made this girl taste her best friend's vagina (and it was still QUITE a vivid taste). she didn't notice it (at least I hope not), but I felt extremely kinky/evil/ABSURDLY TURNED ON (you guys know how unlikely I am to do these things) watching her best friend's.... taste,

 

second one happened a while afterwards: mid 2010 I brought this random girl home, we fucked all night til morning, til it was time for me to go to work - showerless. midway through my workday, another girl invites me to watch inception with her. long story short, I fucked the second girl on the same day without having had a shower from the first one. that will haunt me to the grave as an awful , AWFUL thing to have done.

 

hope I'm not banned!

post #96 of 102

do any of those tales make me an asshole? I think the mark of an asshole is intent and I had no intent to mock or humiliate those girls (who were, ALL OF THEM , WILLING, CONSENTING ADULTS TO ALL ACTS - if somewhat oblivious to them)

post #97 of 102

back to the topic though, what I've always wanted to do is not a terrible thing at all, but I've always wanted to go to tokyo. and do as many terrible things there as possible..

 

does laughing when your bus ignores bus hailers while you're in said bus count????

 

 

and if any chewers want to have awful stories to tell in rio, let me know. and I do mean this in ALL SERIOUSNESS! my apartment is huge and can take up at least one couple/large person and I'd charge nothing for it. it is also a 2-story penthouse in ipanema with a pool, 2 blocks away from the beach. and I really do mean it when I invite you guys. I love having houseguests.

post #98 of 102

andrevellozo, I'll say that what you described in both situation is actually something I've heard happen with a couple of different people. One a guy and the other a woman. Although, in the woman's circumstance, it was more of sleeping with two different people within a 24 hour period. Shit happens.

post #99 of 102

Had a friend  who intentionally did the same thing with the no-shower thing.
 

post #100 of 102

I still feel kinda gross about that one, actually

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