THE LORDS OF SALEM is the funniest fucking movie of 2013.
EDIT (FOR FREEMAN): It begins with old witches praying nonsense to Satan before they rip their clothes off and show their haggard, full-frontal bodies and pruned asses. This intercuts while a man, John Hawthorne, writes a journal entry about them and his quest to eradicate them.
We catch up to present day Sheri Moon who works as a radio station DJ playing bad music in between dumb conversations. She sees someone in apartment 5 but her landlord lady tells her she's mistaken. One night she receives a wooden box at work from someone called The Lords, who they assume is a band, because it contains a record. She takes it home and listens to it which makes her hallucinate and awfully sleepy.
The next night she interviews X-Men's Senator Robert Kelly, an expert on Salem witches. The record ends up getting played over the airwaves and sends many-a-woman into a similar trance, and before we know it the "band" gets a following. The tune bugs the Senator and he begins looking into it while we wonder where the fuck Maria Conchita Alonso has been since shoving video files up her vagina and ohmygodwhathappenedtoherface. The Senator finds the tune in a book about witches, investigates more and learns it has ties to John Hawthorne, who Moon is a distant relative of and part of a curse to birth a rubber lobster. He goes to visit Moon and Dee Wallace beats him with a frying pan because Gertie's potted-plant left with E.T.
Moon begins seeing things. Things like Bigfoot. And goats. And rats. And witches cutting babies from wombs who then lick them before hocking loogies at them instead. And a priest forcing her to give him head in a church while praying to God about how she's unworthy. And holy men wearing Slipknot masks while jerking off rubber dildos. And the Penguin's aborted baby, who has her use his twin tentacles as some sorta X-Wing steering wheel.
She goes into full-on zombie mode throughout the rest of the movie while present-day witches, who sent her the record (and one of whom is her landlord), continue to fuck with her and prepare her for the coming of Satan. She coughs up blood and relapses in order to try and cope. We, too, wish we had drugs in order to cope.
The radio station receives tickets to a "one night only!" appearance by The Lords, and all the women who were affected by the broadcast show up (who are ancestors of the original Salem inhabitants). The curtain goes up, the witches appear and they start praying before the old witches show up behind them. All the attendees start stripping and we're treated to a vision of Sherri birthing the Anti-Lobster. Afterwards Moon appears in a white robe with white eyes and a crown while standing atop a pile of all the dead, naked attendees.
We're now treated to a scene of her playing fetch with her dog. The credits play while we hear a radio report of the police uncovering an apparent suicide pact, and that Zombie's body was not among the dead.
A Rob Zombie Film. A Shaun H Requesting a Refund.
Edited by Shaun H - 4/18/13 at 11:50pm