Owwwwww my brain hurts. Ugh. Just sat through this.
Yes, I was predisposed to hate it. I'm a fan of the original film, and the prospect of a blandified PG-13 remake bugged me. I tried to give it an honest chance, though.
For the first half hour or so, I was thinking "Huh, maybe this won't be completely detestable. Maybe it'll manage to hit heights of blah competence." Everything looked pretty, ornate, and expensive. Even Scarlett managed to appropriately blend her naturally droning voice with the stiffness of the character.
Then once everything is established, it manages to get progressively worse, scene by scene. The geniuses of Hollywood screenwriting have decided that the Major needs to be a Bourne Identity. That sucks up a significant amount of screentime, without resulting in any good drama. Here's a good twist: The Major was just sitting in her apartment watching Supremacy and Ultimatum for 60% of the movie! It was all a glitch hallucination!
But hmmm, how do we simplify this convoluted Puppet Master business? Oh, turns out he was the Major's boyfriend. And the Major was an anti-technology blogger, which obviously makes her the most suitable brain to transform into a cybernetically enhanced government killer.
Every remade scene landed with a thud, from the invisible water fight, to the garbageman interrogation, to the boat diving, to the poor sad looking iSpidertank 7S. Even if I wasn't comparing them with the original version, the director doesn't know how to set up the basics of a simple dialogue scene. The beat with the garbageman looking at the holopicture of himself barely registered, and the actor sucked. Why did they even bother redoing that if they were going to whiff it so badly? I guess that question goes for the entire movie.
If they wanted to do CyberBourne: The Moira Krabbstein Identity so badly, they should have started from scratch and done that as a complete story, instead of half-assedly frankensteining all the visual beats from the original onto whatever this is.
I'm not saying the philosophical droning from the original boat scene was anything brilliant, but compare it to what we got. "Me like diving. Make me no think." ... "I go place now. Do thing."
So, yeah. This sucked. It did look kinda pretty, though. The director almost managed to hit that sweet spot in between Tarsem Singh and Joseph Kosinski. Too bad he can't set up a scene competently. Even if you're just a visual filmmaker, you need a tiny bit of dramatic chops to tie it all together.