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The Continuing Adventures of Captain Garbage - Page 7

post #301 of 346
Thread Starter 
Jam. Crates and crates of jam. Although I'm curious what legal wrangle forced them to call it "fruit spread."

post #302 of 346

Are the ingredients:

 

1. High Fructose Corn Syrup

2. Red

3. Corn Syrup

4. Fructose

post #303 of 346
"Sir, none of these say 'jam.'"

"Throw them away. All of them!"
post #304 of 346
Thread Starter 
Flower Child has been working the scale house recently. She asks drivers to tell her jokes, and we rack our brains trying to remember clean ones. Today I said:

"My wife told me to stop posing like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down."

And she roared! Her eyes were actually teary when she handed me the waybill.

She must be really bored in there.
post #305 of 346
Thread Starter 
People gotta stand in their truth and go tell it on the mountain.



An Oxford comma might have been nice, though.
post #306 of 346
When I was growing up in the UK my mother would get mangoes from the Indo-Pak import stores she always shopped at, and when they were good they were absurdly good. Like renounce atheism good. The different varieties sold in US grocery stores that typically come from Mexico and South America and the Caribbean are decent enough, and texture wise they're probably more consistent, but on flavour there is just no comparison.
post #307 of 346
Thread Starter 
So this person wasn't kidding!
post #308 of 346

post #309 of 346
Thread Starter 
It's fruit fly season. My truck has a massive cloud of them, making it seem like a zombie chariot or a vehicular Pigpen from Peanuts.

Sometimes the cloud intrudes on the cabin. I open the window and speed to expel them. One flies up my nose. My body sneezes reflexively, but the inhale causes me to snort the little bugger. It's in me now.

Alas, it does not in any way intoxicate. Perhaps I need more.
post #310 of 346
This is your superhero origin.
post #311 of 346
Thread Starter 
We have a poke protocol. If anything jabs is we are required to tear apart the bag to see if it is a syringe.

Today I feel a sharp pain in all of my fingers as I firmly grip the bag, I drop it and take a knife to it. My hand continues to throb and the bag continues to strike out at me. I wonder if I have somehow found a bag full of bees.

It is, in the end, a sizeable cactus. The spines have really done a number on my hand and I childishly pound it flat with a shovel before scooping it into the truck.
post #312 of 346

"Pounding the cactus" needs to be a euphemism for something...

post #313 of 346
Thread Starter 
I haven't posted in a while, but it's been a very good month for electronics. I have:

A first generation Xbox 360 Arcade. Works perfectly.

A 27" HD monitor. No power source, so I don't know how it works. Dodgy Downtown Computer Shop should be able to help me. If they have a compatible cable, and the thing works, I purchase the cable. If it doesn't work, I give it to them to play with. Everyone wins.

A current generation IPod, the kind that's basically an IPhone without a phone in it. Perfect condition but cloud-locked, and impressively the lock remains after a wipe and factory reset. Although I'm sure for a fee Dodgy Guy can help with that, too.

That's just the good stuff. My crew has collected hundreds of kilos of E-waste and my boss has arranged to sell it to a recycler for instant cash. People just throwing this shit in the trash. SMH
Edited by Lightning Slim - 9/13/17 at 3:20am
post #314 of 346
Possibly, secretly, the best thread on CHUD.
post #315 of 346
Thread Starter 
Someone went and threw out their entire collection of...Amish themed YA novels?




I flipped through to see if there was anything racy happening but alas, they're written by actual Mennonite authors.
post #316 of 346
That is amazing...
post #317 of 346
Them ladies is pretty carefully made-up for Amish.
post #318 of 346

I want to know the story behind this one.

post #319 of 346
Thread Starter 
There's a gang of meth heads in town who steal trucks, drive them through the windows of payday loan shops and use a chain to yank out the on-site ATM. Their last foray was unsuccessful because they stole a normal pickup which heaved until the chain broke.

So last week, looking for oomph, they jacked one of our garbage trucks. But they made a mistake. They took the red one.

Red is a 2001 Chevy with 300k on it. It used to do Parks and Rec in a small town, and we got it in an auction for a song. She's good for little trips around town. When you press the gas pedal, the only thing that increases is the amount of coal coming out the back end.

The thieves must have realized this, because they politely parked it behind a factory two blocks away, behind some dunnage. Nothing was harmed but the passenger lock and the ignition.

Now I don't know if this is how it all went down, a lot of it is speculation. But I do know this: two days later a very pretty redneckmobile Cummins Turbodiesel vanished from a car lot one town over, and the Money Mart got a proper fucking. I'd tell them to get cameras or something, but payday loan places can go to hell.
post #320 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

Someone went and threw out their entire collection of...Amish themed YA novels?




I flipped through to see if there was anything racy happening but alas, they're written by actual Mennonite authors.
I know if I came home and found all that shit there I'd toss it out too along with whoever the perpetrator was (could really only be like...two people).

Also....the Amish love snow cones. I know....weird right?
post #321 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post
....but payday loan places can go to hell.

 

Yup. They're grossly predatory.

post #322 of 346
Thread Starter 
I know these are becoming more and more common, but Apple still wants $50 for these fucking things. So thanks, rich studenty types.

post #323 of 346
Thread Starter 
It's 34C. In late September. In Canada. The heat is oppressive and the garbage is groooooss.

In a search for a silver lining I've made sure my route takes me through the university campus several times a day.
post #324 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

It's 34C. In late September. In Canada. The heat is oppressive and the garbage is groooooss.

In a search for a silver lining I've made sure my route takes me through the university campus several times a day.

 

Garbage finds for the thread or scantily clad co-eds?

post #325 of 346
Thread Starter 
Would it be a hint if I told you my palms are so hairy it's like I'm clutching a wig?
post #326 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

There's a gang of meth heads in town who steal trucks, drive them through the windows of payday loan shops and use a chain to yank out the on-site ATM. Their last foray was unsuccessful because they stole a normal pickup which heaved until the chain broke.

So last week, looking for oomph, they jacked one of our garbage trucks. But they made a mistake. They took the red one.

Red is a 2001 Chevy with 300k on it. It used to do Parks and Rec in a small town, and we got it in an auction for a song. She's good for little trips around town. When you press the gas pedal, the only thing that increases is the amount of coal coming out the back end.

The thieves must have realized this, because they politely parked it behind a factory two blocks away, behind some dunnage. Nothing was harmed but the passenger lock and the ignition.

Now I don't know if this is how it all went down, a lot of it is speculation. But I do know this: two days later a very pretty redneckmobile Cummins Turbodiesel vanished from a car lot one town over, and the Money Mart got a proper fucking. I'd tell them to get cameras or something, but payday loan places can go to hell.

This is a common method here in Chile to steal ATMs from banks and stores; hell, I once went to dinner at a restaurant, and decided to use the nearby ATM after dinner.

It got chain yanked 5 minutes before I left the place; had I eaten faster, i would had wandered into it  mid-robbery

post #327 of 346
Thread Starter 
All this talk of Harry Knowles and his fucking diaper have reminded me I need to set up a sting operation. I will HAVE the old codger who keeps tossing their Grampers into the recycling bin in the parking garage.

It's maddening. Are they whipping them off in the car? Bringing them all the way down from their apartment? It's straight up trolling. No one has that poor an understanding of bottle and can recycling.
post #328 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

I know these are becoming more and more common, but Apple still wants $50 for these fucking things. So thanks, rich studenty types.

Let me know if you can find a car charger for the iphone!  My charger is that old flat model and I need to upgrade.

post #329 of 346
Thread Starter 
Today we had to sack the dumb guy on the crew. Here is a list, by no means exhaustive, of tasks he could not master:

Performing tasks in order from a written list
Texting his supervisor when his shift was complete
Finding places using a GPS
Not throwing cigarette butts on the ground at work
Using a labelled, truck mounted fire extinguisher
Parking in our parking spot and not the neighbours’

So yeah. Goodbye Florida Man. We all have to work doubles without you and we don’t even mind.
post #330 of 346
Well, this thread is by far and away the best Sunday morning read I've had in a long time.

Like Bukowski, without the alcoholism or misogyny
post #331 of 346
Thread Starter 
Director’s chair. New with the tags on.

post #332 of 346

Does it say "Ratner" on the back?

post #333 of 346
Thread Starter 
Today I found a large spring of spruce wood in the bed of one of the pickup trucks in the yard at work.

I put it in my garbage truck and took it to the brush and organics section.

IT WAS THE BOSS MAN’S CHRISTMAS TREE.

FROM HIS DAUGHTER’S FARM.

IN NORTH BAY.
post #334 of 346

oops

post #335 of 346
Blame it on the guy you just fired.
post #336 of 346
Thread Starter 
Every day we find some mendacious, shitty, petty thing he hid from us. Cigarette butts in the truck. Missing fire extinguisher (that loses the whole business its license) or no paperwork being filled out ever. Not once. We went back through all his stuff and he never once put pen to paper. He also convinced the boss to give him printed pay stubs because “I don’t do the email.”

Looking back he’s likely illiterate.
Edited by Lightning Slim - 11/29/17 at 5:11pm
post #337 of 346
*Googles "mendacious"*
post #338 of 346
Thread Starter 
Wi-Fi capable light bulbs. I thought these were neat until I got them home and you have to plug the hub into your internet and then put an app on your tablet to control them.

I’m beginning to see why somebody binned them.

post #339 of 346

Hey, a great stocking stuffer!

post #340 of 346
Merry Christmas, I gave you something you can bin!
post #341 of 346
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightning Slim View Post

Wi-Fi capable light bulbs. I thought these were neat until I got them home and you have to plug the hub into your internet and then put an app on your tablet to control them.

 

 

Does it HAVE to be a tablet? Cause other than that, that don't sound too bad as far as gimmicky access points go...

post #342 of 346
It's wifi-enabled lightbulbs. Everybody who would buy such a thing is a noophile geegaw-junkie with whatever the absolute latest, most expensive fondleslab/fancyphone is at that particular nanosecond, so why would the manufacturers waste time and money making a control client for anything else?
post #343 of 346

Hey, having a few dimmable multi-colored lightbulbs in the room where you do your movie watching/gaming is pretty cool, in my book.

 

If they're just the plain white ones, go ahead and bin 'em.

post #344 of 346
Thread Starter 
They are just the white ones. And when I said a tablet app, I assume you could put them on your phone or something. I also guess you could sit down at your desktop to make big decisions about what three fucking lightbulbs are doing.

Did I mention the hub needs AC power?
post #345 of 346
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bradito View Post

Merry Christmas, I gave you something you can bin!

Dudes. You have no idea about my usual Christmas game: “Guess Which Thing I Gave You Came From The Bins?”

Inevitably, it’s the one they’re most excited about.
post #346 of 346
Thread Starter 




Someone set one of my usual trash piles on fire. Burned it down to the ground; melted recycling boxes and everything.

The best part? I’m not allowed to clean it up. It requires fire inspection and soil remediation. I felt like such an asshole as some curious residents got to watch me pull up, call my boss and then drive away while savage winter winds blew burnt garbage all over the place.
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