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I do not deserve you people.

post #1 of 137
Thread Starter 

I don't have the words. 

 

I'm home now, released from rehab this afternoon. 

 

MichaelM, you literally saved my life. How can I even begin to respond to that?

 

Everyone here is a savior. 

 

I'm still reading through the posts and PMs. It's a lot to take in after the most emotional week of my life.

 

TZU, thank you for being so persistent. 

 

I'll talk more when I feel like I'm able. 

 

My deepest thanks to each and every one of you.

post #2 of 137
Jacob, you're awesome and you should never forget that. We're all just glad you're okay, man.
post #3 of 137
Yes, you do. Don't forget that either.
post #4 of 137

Really nice to see you back on here, Jacob.

post #5 of 137

Welcome back Jacob. So glad you are okay.

post #6 of 137
Welcome back, brother. We'll be here when you want to talk.
post #7 of 137
WHOO!!!
post #8 of 137
It's good to have you back, Jacob. We're a mess without you.
post #9 of 137

Jacob, you might not remember this, but maybe a year ago you randomly bought me a game I wanted on Steam, if only because you loved Chud and wanted to pay it forward.  I have never forgotten how touched I was by that random act of kindness, and you are by far my favorite chewer.  You always just seem like the coolest nicest dude.  Plus you don't shit on Ultron in a desire to hurt my feelings.

 

LOVE YOU JACOB!

post #10 of 137
You are a great person Jacob. Glad to have you back. Go Falcons!!
post #11 of 137
No man, you DO deserve people who care and look out for you. Glad we were there for you when you needed it.
post #12 of 137
I will echo the same sentiments as above. You most certainly deserve the love and kindness of those around you. And your friends here on the boards exhibited their attention to your friendship. MichaelM, Tzu and everyone else that helped get you through. You always have Chud. This place is great.
post #13 of 137
smile.gif
post #14 of 137

You deserve every bit of love, friendship, and support that you get.  Don't ever doubt otherwise.

post #15 of 137

I don't know what I missed, but damn it Michael/Tzu, you need to put up the Singer signal at the first sign of trouble.  Catching a whiff after the fact like this is terrifying.

post #16 of 137
Much love, Jacob!
post #17 of 137
Caught this late, but we need you around here Jacob. When I hit the darkest experience of my life, l reached out to this community and you all helped me get through. You were one of those voices, so I hope you can let us help you as you've helped others in the past.

The world needs all the good people it can get.
post #18 of 137
Welcome back Jacob - you're got a singular voice (I swear if given a bunch of anonymous passages, I could pick you out of a lineup) and you've got friends you don't even know about.
post #19 of 137
Shut up Jacob Singer, do not deserve shmoo not deserve, you're widely beloved around this crazy old joint for a dang good reason.
post #20 of 137

Damn straight. Jacob, you are a great person and you will always fucking matter.

 

Glad to see you back!

post #21 of 137

We love ya, Old Man Singer.

post #22 of 137
Jaaacccob!

Much love, dude. Glad to hear from ya.
post #23 of 137
Welcome back Jacob! Very glad to to have you here.
post #24 of 137

Welcome back, Jacob! You're a good egg, and glad to have you here.

post #25 of 137
WHOO!!!
post #26 of 137

Jacob, it's great to see you're doing well.

 

Everyone else, after reading that thread, it's great that you did what you could to help Jacob.

 

Well done!  What a great forum.

post #27 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bucho View Post

Shut up Jacob Singer, do not deserve shmoo not deserve, you're widely beloved around this crazy old joint for a dang good reason.

 

 

Also, the title of this thread...

 

post #28 of 137
SO glad you're back, man. I have a similar story as Freeman. I opened Steam one day and there was a game gifted from you with a comment saying you just want to hear what I thought about it. Not to mention the time you bought me another game as a gift for getting married. I think since my wife and I kept it on the down low, you were one of the only people who even did that. And you insisted after I told you it was cool. And I don't want to make it sound like I only think you're cool because you bought me games. It really was the thought and was something I would never forget. Not to mention you are just a solid presence here. Seriously, if there are a select few here that form the foundation of this place, you are most certainly one of them. Glad to have you back, buddy.
post #29 of 137

Good to see you're bouncing back. That part's not easy either.

post #30 of 137

Jacob, I am SO happy to see that you are doing better. I will never forget you expanding my X-Wing Miniatures collection out of the kindness of your heart for someone that was for all intents and purposes, a stranger. In that moment you clearly showed me the kind of person I WANT to be. 

 

When I say you are one of the best people I've ever met, online or otherwise, I truly mean it. So yes, you don't deserve us...you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! 

 

You are loved and cared for, and you'll always have a home with us. Please never forget that. 

post #31 of 137

Its good to hear your doing better Jacob

post #32 of 137

Good to see you again Jacob. Welcome back!

post #33 of 137

You get the friends you deserve, Jacob. 

 

Some people might say this is "just" a messageboard but I think MichaelM and Tzu have proved that it's more than that. It's a small community but, in a way, that's a boon because we get to know one another a little better. It's why there's an AWOL thread where we inquire whether anyone has heard from Chewers who haven't posted in a while, or discuss who we miss. And it may be selfish to say this but my CHUD experience is much better with you here, Jacob. You may think I don't "know" you but you're the guy who once brightened up a Christmas for a guy in England you'd never met, who sent a lovely PM to me because you're a nice guy, who I enjoy gaming with because you're friendly and funny, and who I often wish would post more around here because I enjoy reading your thoughts and opinions.  

 
I know you're a great guy and I want you to remain being great.  Thank you for still being here. 
post #34 of 137

This is a great second act. The first act started out sucking but was heart warming. I'm looking forward to hearing more. Thanks dude. 

post #35 of 137

Glad to hear you're feeling better Jacob. 

post #36 of 137

All the best to you, Jacob. Glad to hear you're okay.

post #37 of 137

I'm so happy you're back Jacob!

post #38 of 137
Terrific news. We are fortunate to know you, sir.
post #39 of 137

Here's to your continued health and well-being, Jacob.

post #40 of 137
Welcome back Jacob. Glad you're feeling better.
post #41 of 137
Very happy to hear you're feeling better Jacob! I'm very pleased you will continue to be with us!
post #42 of 137

Welcome back Jacob, glad to see you getting better and we all wish you the best.  

post #43 of 137

Happy to have you back Jacob.  I don't think I've ever been so happy to see that someone posted something on the internet.

post #44 of 137

Welcome back! The hypothesis in your subject line has been disproven by all available evidence across a statistically significant data sample. Hypothesis rejected.

post #45 of 137

Big hug big man.

post #46 of 137
Thread Starter 

I feel like I owe you guys some more information, the "gory details", if you will. Please bear with me, I might ramble or go off-topic a bit.

 

I'm an alcoholic. I don't think that's a surprise to anyone here. For years I've been able to 'manage' it, with only the occasional 3-day binge. But when I lost my job last year and started boring through my savings, I started spiraling downward. I was juggling bills and debt like some Cirque du Soleil performer. Then at Christmas, you guys banded together, as CHUD so often does, and brought me back from the brink. I found another job, but the pay was terrible, and not enough to keep me caught up, let alone get ahead of things. I ended up depleting all I had and even my 401k.

 

My car has been dying slowly - cracked windshield, bald front tires, desperately needed brakes, windows that won't roll up or down. But at leat the engine runs great.

 

This is going to sound silly, I know, but I also haven't been the same ever since I lost Squee. Everyone who met him loved him. He was one of a kind, and my best buddy.

 

I never realized what a sneaky bitch depression can be. The suicidal thoughts just sort of started appearing, unbidden, in my thoughts. Like, every hour, I'd be watching tv or browsing the web, and thinking, "Could I manage that somehow? Do I have access to any tall parking garages? How much antifreeze can I take to do the job in one dose?". Things like that. Ironically enough, when I was in the ER, my roommate said there was a rifle in his room all along. I had no idea. Only now, today, am I thankful that I didn't. I would've used it in a heartbeat last week. 

 

I did research online, which I think I even mentioned once before a while back in this thread. No over-the-counter stuff will work, you just throw it up. Hanging was out of the question, there are kids in this cul-de-sac, and I wouldn't want to subject them to that. So I finally landed on one I knew I could do.

 

Get close to blackout drunk, and duct-tape a garbage bag around my head. Then I'd just lay down on the sofa, pass the fuck out, and let nature take care of the rest.

 

I was all set to go when MichaelM's Rescue Force arrived, pounding on the front door. I didn't open it. They went around back to the deck, where we have a large sliding glass door. I was scared they were going to bust it down, because they could see me on the sofa, so I got up and let them in. They asked me what was going on, and I told them that I intended to die. They said they couldn't let that happen, and let me get dressed and took me to the ER.

 

I was in the ER overnight, blood taken, drugs and fluids pumped in, the works. They sent in a wonderful counselor, with whom I had what must have been a three hour conversation. When they transferred me the next day to the rehab center, she held my hand for a moment and said, "I'll never forget you."

 

Whew.

 

At rehab, they at first assigned me to the wrong unit. I'm talking a One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest unit. Really. Scary. Shit. My doctor found me and nearly shrieked, "You're not supposed to be in here!" and had me transferred to the proper ward.

 

It's mostly typical boring rehab/detox stuff after that - meds, therapy, terrible Jesus-y AA meetings where the speaker mostly just talked about his own miserable life, cafeteria food (surprisingy decent for what I assume must be a small budget). Biggest gripe - NO BOOKS. AT ALL. They had crossword puzzles and find-the-word games, but all they gave us were these giant markers you couldn't possibly use to fill in a crossword box.

 

Oh, and no shaving. And no caffeine.

 

If you guys have any questions about all of this, feel free to ask in this thread. I'm feeling stronger every day, at least until I get the inevitable sticker-shock when I find out how much my Zoloft prescription is gonna cost.

 

All I want to do now is be deserving of your kindnesses. 

post #47 of 137

The world is a better place with you in it Jacob Singer.

post #48 of 137
I just saw this thread. Nice to see you in here and around, Jacob!

That post MichaelM left...the one that confirmed you were still with us...well, I can't even begin to tell you what a relief that was. I don't think I exhaled until I read it..
post #49 of 137

Thanks for sharing that, Jacob.  So glad you're feeling a bit better.  Words seem inadequate, but don't give up.

post #50 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacob Singer View Post

 

I never realized what a sneaky bitch depression can be. The suicidal thoughts just sort of started appearing, unbidden, in my thoughts. Like, every hour, I'd be watching tv or browsing the web, and thinking, "Could I manage that somehow? Do I have access to any tall parking garages? How much antifreeze can I take to do the job in one dose?". Things like that. Ironically enough, when I was in the ER, my roommate said there was a rifle in his room all along. I had no idea. Only now, today, am I thankful that I didn't. I would've used it in a heartbeat last week. 

 

Those thoughts are not you, Jacob.  Add booz to the mix and you are susceptible in taking them seriously.  Glad you are still with us. 

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