Facts For The New Millenium (or something)

The American Film Institute recently announced that their Top 100 Movies of the Century List was, in fact, a gag. Instead of Citizen Kane being listed as number 1, they really meant to put "The Vagrant" starring Bill Paxton and Rutger Hauer. The other 99 movies are all Full Moon Video releases.

BADWITBA! ZOOROPA! SUSSUDIO! IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA!

I'm excited.

I stated eariler that Bill Paxton's my favorite actor. I've gotten my hands on a lot of his movies. "A Simple Plan," "One False Move," "Aliens," and "Near Dark" are my favorites. You know he was in "Terminator?" He was the blue-haired punk that Arnold killed at the beginning.

Screw Dolph. Long Live Bill.

As for Full Moon, I grew up on that stuff. Puppet Master 3 is my favorite. Trancers and The Pit and the Pendulum were cool. Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys would have rated SHIT on the CHUD Review Board, though. An hour-and-a-half recap of 3 other Full Moon videos? Man, I'll take that last copy of Firehead, please.

I'm sorry bout that. Didn't mean to piss in your shoes.

Need a bucket?

I can see it now: Episode III - The Phantom Suspects. At the end of the movie, as Jar-Jar walks out, he slicks his ears back and squares his shoulders. Kobayashi pulls up in the Slave 1, Jar-Jar says "hi" in a deep voice (Barry White), puts on his Boba Fett helmet, gets in, and they fly away. Obi-Wan runs out of the Jedi Council building, and looks around frustratedly (it could be a word). End movie.

"The Phantom Meanace" was actually George Lucas' THIRD movie. It was a true story about Mahatma Ghandi's tour in Vietnam.

Now, an exerpt from the book it was taken from:

So, there we were, me and Ghandi, out in the Vietnam rainforest. It was just him and me (we had to eat the rest of the battalion to survive those first three hours). We knew Charlie was all around us (he's a pretty big guy). We just FELT him.

So Ghandi turns to me and says, "DJ...If I don't make it out of here...I want someone to make a movie out of my life."

I looked him right in the eye and said, "Ghan, baby, we're gonna kick Charlie square in the ass. You ain't gonna die here."

All of the sudden, guns start going off left and right. Ghandi just lays there, calling for air support, and I'm trying to act cool. Bombs started going off. A few grenades landed next to us. I grabbed em all and threw em back. Things look pretty grim for Ghandi. I wasn't worried in the least for myself (being an immortal and all), but if Ghandi was going down, I didn't want him to be alone.

Out of nowhere, John Wayne, the Duke himself, flies in on his magic jetpack, firing his twin lasers all around like the devil possessed. I swear his hands were a blur.

He flies right down and snatches me and Ghandi up and flies us up to our spaceship.

Ghandi went on to become a talk show host, and I retired a millionaire in Santa Monica. As for John Wayne...well, no one really knows what happened to the Duke. Oh, sure, people SAY they know, but...

I'll never forget those brave men.

Yeah, but will they make the Batman franchise come back to life? THAT'S the question.

Real ones?

In a press statement this weekend, Jesus announced that he was displeased with the box office report so far, and as such, there will be no Second Coming. He added, "That'll teach you. Next time I make a movie, watch it."

There has been some speculation that Tony Clifton put Him up to it.