A man put his daughter's head in a vice and beat her with a mallet.
All hail HOMEGROWN PAINDAY!
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Every once in a while, a person comes along who changes history as we know it.
More often than not, that person goes unheralded. The exceptions being
Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus Christ, George Washington, and Peppy Smith.
Peppy Smith was a small time crook who had a penchant for beating people. His
adventures in Brooklyn in the mid 30's are the stuff of legend. He hospitalized
more old women and children than any other thug in that era. He was a master
at hurting those at a physical disadvantage. Anyone who was frail, young, injured, or on life support was Peppy's target of choice. His Modus Operandi usually consisted of a Louisville Slugger to the back, or a thrown object ranging from 10 to 35 pounds.
Peppy was a real American hero, and we celebrate his birthday, June 12th.
Smile, It's Hoodlum Day!
------------
Not as popular here as it is overseas, this holiday centers around meat. Raw
meat, live meat, bloody meat, hanging meat, frozen meat, beaten meat, rotted
meat, animal meat, people meat, space meat, Irish meat, death meat, MEATeors,
you name a meat, and it's covered. Gather round a pile of meat and cheer, all
thanks to Sven Haachenstorchaberlinoshiolian of Stockholm. He is the person
who invented meat. Until the day he called it meat for the first time, it was
flesh.
If it weren't for Sven, we'd be eating fleshballs and spaghetti!
Bow before MEAT INVENTION DAY
-----------
Throughout time, love has been a goal and a widely debated one at that. Was it real? It is forever? Can I write it off on taxes?
It's a mystery nearly as complex as the ones I'm about to mention. Think about these, for this holiday happens only once a year...
1.Why hasn't toilet technology improved? It's been 20 years since a major breakthrough. Where's the odorless, clogless, and non Rube Goldberg mechanism operated? They haven't done shit for the shitter!
2.Where's the hovercars we were promised?
3.How does Hooters succeed and Showbiz Pizza fail?
4.When we were kids, space travel was moving along well, where we felt we'd see aliens by age 40. Time is clicking...
5.There aren't any more "name brand" pornos anymore. (Deep Throat, etc.) Why?
6.Why are Keith Richards, Richard Simmons, Katherine Hepburn still alive?
All Hail Mysteries Day
--------
Heroes come and go, but villains stay forever. That premise may not be believed by most, but it's true. The success of Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, and myself have proven it in a mass market.
The first villain was not a world leader, an intergalactic overlord, or an aspiring writer. It was Jack Lauderdine, a former blacksmith who became the first official villain in1798. Being a villain, and the responsibilities of setting the standard brought a lot of pressure on
Jack, but he did a fair job of rising to the occasion. He was the first to use scare tactics, ultimatums, fire as a weapon and rock throwing.
In more detail, his favorites included: grabbing a person by the face and hitting it with a rock, hurling people into rivers, stealing children, scaring civilians away with his double jointed elbow, and throwing spears into sleeping men. He did his job with pride, and we salute him.
ALL HAIL NEFARIOUS BEGINNINGS DAY!
All hail HOMEGROWN PAINDAY!
---------
Every once in a while, a person comes along who changes history as we know it.
More often than not, that person goes unheralded. The exceptions being
Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus Christ, George Washington, and Peppy Smith.
Peppy Smith was a small time crook who had a penchant for beating people. His
adventures in Brooklyn in the mid 30's are the stuff of legend. He hospitalized
more old women and children than any other thug in that era. He was a master
at hurting those at a physical disadvantage. Anyone who was frail, young, injured, or on life support was Peppy's target of choice. His Modus Operandi usually consisted of a Louisville Slugger to the back, or a thrown object ranging from 10 to 35 pounds.
Peppy was a real American hero, and we celebrate his birthday, June 12th.
Smile, It's Hoodlum Day!
------------
Not as popular here as it is overseas, this holiday centers around meat. Raw
meat, live meat, bloody meat, hanging meat, frozen meat, beaten meat, rotted
meat, animal meat, people meat, space meat, Irish meat, death meat, MEATeors,
you name a meat, and it's covered. Gather round a pile of meat and cheer, all
thanks to Sven Haachenstorchaberlinoshiolian of Stockholm. He is the person
who invented meat. Until the day he called it meat for the first time, it was
flesh.
If it weren't for Sven, we'd be eating fleshballs and spaghetti!
Bow before MEAT INVENTION DAY
-----------
Throughout time, love has been a goal and a widely debated one at that. Was it real? It is forever? Can I write it off on taxes?
It's a mystery nearly as complex as the ones I'm about to mention. Think about these, for this holiday happens only once a year...
1.Why hasn't toilet technology improved? It's been 20 years since a major breakthrough. Where's the odorless, clogless, and non Rube Goldberg mechanism operated? They haven't done shit for the shitter!
2.Where's the hovercars we were promised?
3.How does Hooters succeed and Showbiz Pizza fail?
4.When we were kids, space travel was moving along well, where we felt we'd see aliens by age 40. Time is clicking...
5.There aren't any more "name brand" pornos anymore. (Deep Throat, etc.) Why?
6.Why are Keith Richards, Richard Simmons, Katherine Hepburn still alive?
All Hail Mysteries Day
--------
Heroes come and go, but villains stay forever. That premise may not be believed by most, but it's true. The success of Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, and myself have proven it in a mass market.
The first villain was not a world leader, an intergalactic overlord, or an aspiring writer. It was Jack Lauderdine, a former blacksmith who became the first official villain in1798. Being a villain, and the responsibilities of setting the standard brought a lot of pressure on
Jack, but he did a fair job of rising to the occasion. He was the first to use scare tactics, ultimatums, fire as a weapon and rock throwing.
In more detail, his favorites included: grabbing a person by the face and hitting it with a rock, hurling people into rivers, stealing children, scaring civilians away with his double jointed elbow, and throwing spears into sleeping men. He did his job with pride, and we salute him.
ALL HAIL NEFARIOUS BEGINNINGS DAY!
