HOLIDAYS

They're coming back. Hope you're happy.

Today is a time for giving thanks, but not the traditional way that we've grown accustomed to.

In the ancient days, before America was "discovered" by the white man,
there were people here. Native people who had been here for many years
before westerners ventured this way.

Indians?

What the hell are you thinking? I'M TALKING YETI!!!!

Abominal Snowmen lived high in the mountain ranges of what is now
North America gathering fruit and clubbing one another at the earliest
convienience. They gave thanks every annual cycle in their own special
way. By picking a fight with a bear or wolf, by soiling their fur and
those around them, or by chasing a mole. They frolicked. These dim
witted beasts had fun for a day, before going back to their wild,
animalistic tendencies, like politics and fellowship.

All Hail the REAL Thanksgiving!


Heroes come and go, but villains stay forever. That premise may not be
believed by most, but it's true. The success of Darth Vader, Hannibal
Lecter, and myself have proven it in a mass market.

The first villain was not a world leader, an intergalactic overlord,
or an aspiring writer. It was Jack Lauderdine, a former blacksmith who
became the first official villain in 1798. Being a villain, and the
responsibilities of setting the standard brought a lot of pressure on
Jack, but he did a fair job of rising to the occasion. He was the
first to use scare tactics, ultimatums, fire as a weapon and rock
throwing.

In more detail, his favorites included: grabbing a person by the face
and hitting it with a rock, hurling people into rivers, stealing
children, scaring civilians away with his double jointed elbow, and
throwing spears into sleeping men. He did his job with pride, and we
salute him.

ALL HAIL NEFARIOUS BEGINNINGS DAY!


On this day every year, the entire population of the island of Jumai
turn into shrimp and flail on the ground for the entire 24 hour
period. It all started when Moesha Williams made a pact with the
shrimp God, Crispus Schellus, in exchange for her own immortality. On
this date of every year she arrives at Jumai to scoop up the shrimp
and have a massive grilling.

The next day however, the villagers return from the sea and begin
their lives again with no recollection of the day before them. Moesha
sits upon her throne for another year and sharpens her de-veining tool
and waits for the next chance.

All Hail SEAFOOD TRANSITION DAY!


In a world where people are only concerned with the bottom line, it's
refreshing to have a holiday like this one.

It is a time for giving. A time to share. A time to spread alien seed!

Today is the first day of an invasion by fleshy headed aliens with
tough legs. They send their seed out and it infiltrates humans through
the chin. It burrows in and takes over the mind, turning the person
into a fruity mass not unlike Harvey Fierstein. Then they implode.

Your day is coming, so is mine.

Happy SEED DAY!


Life can be pretty tricky. Especially with all of the obstacles we
have to deal with each and every day. Think about it:
Do you see some of the people driving on the road with you? Do you
really want to be reliant on their abilities? They could swerve over
any second right into your lap and demolish your heart.
What about water? The stuff is awfully important, and we could lose it
all in a matter of time. What if water just kinda quit. Walks off.
Dries up. Shouldn't we work on huge underground water plants to ensure
survival?
Newspapers. Why do they have to take up so much space? What happens to
them right after we read them? Their fate is either the trash or as a
recepticle for animal poops.
Should Drano and Liquid Plumber be available to the general public?
Would you be thrilled if some angry short order cook made your
internal disintegration his goal for the day?
Cigarettes. They should be available only for people who sign a waiver
promising only to smoke in sealed vaults at night or to inmates on
death row. Speaking of death row, if it's going to exist, why not
either let the cigarettes kill them or use a method more suitable like
launching them into space instead of monkeys

Food for thought, so eat up and enjoy THINKTANK DAY


Today is june 30th, and a holiday you may not be familiar with. On
this date, in 19 A.D., a poor man was on his way to the market when a herd of
camels stampeded over him. He was crushed beyond recognition and his only
food was destroyed. His battered body dragged itself through the desert for days
until he came across a tree that appeared as fertile as any had ever been. In
the searing desert, this was an aberration, and he believed it to be a
hallucination. It was, and he died.

All hail Victims Day!


While experimenting on the effect of toxic chemicals on human embryos,
Lawrence Hulen discovered a low fat delicacy. He became the first diet
cannibal, and started a wave of kidnapping that spanned over half the globe.
Their crimes went unpunished until YOUNG SCRAPPY stepped forward. YOUNG SCRAPPY was
a 7 week old superhuman infant with a penchant for setting his back on fire. He
singlehandedly took the group of elite cannibals to justice when he
caught them at the maternity ward of the hospital he was at for pediatric
treatment. He vanquished the hungry band using only his wits and an arsenal
of every weapon known to man. YOUNG SCRAPPY is an American hero, and we celebrate his
baptism on August 28th.

Dance a jig on the day of the CHILD BUNCH!

DJ, where's your comments?