That's a very good question, Blofeld. The evolution of man may not have even taken place, had it not been for the DVD. Let's take a second and analyze the events leading up to the time-honored tradition of rewinding DVDs.
Since the Cro-magnon Era, DVDs have played an integral part in the everday life of the family unit. The alpha-male would come home to his cave after a hard day's work of clubbing some random species into extinction, to find his family scared, huddling around the DVD player for warmth, ready to watch the newest Jackie Chan movie.
Ritualistic sacrifices around 1234 B.C. were often recorded on video, then later transfered to DVD. However, up to that point, there was no way to rewind DVDs. The sacrifices would be watched once, then thrown away, since they no longer served any purpose. The sacrifices would have to be recreated every time someone wanted to watch them, which led the sacrifices to become ritualistic.
The entire Spanish Inquisition was founded upon one man's inability to rewind a DVD of him poking a drunk man with a stick. Had he been able to rewind the DVD, things may have turned out differently. Unfortunately, this was not the case, and a lot of people wound up being poked with sticks.
It wasn't until 2000 A.D that one man, Kenn Snipes, desperately wanted to watch Chuck Culkin (known best for his work in Home Alone and Home alone 2) fall off a cliff in The Good Son over and over again. Snipes knew there had to be a better way to watch this than drawing it on his TV screen with a crayon. He began experimenting with various techniques, ranging from videotaping GIJoes falling off rocks, to actually throwing Culkin off a cliff (which he is still known to do, every now and again).
Though Snipes found great satisfaction in his work, he knew that he was missing something. He knew that he was overlooking some vital element. He began to retrace his steps when he realized that he hadn't actually taken any notes.
The shocking discovery led Snipes into a downward spiral into insanity. He spent many hours in bars, mocking people who had the letter "o" in their names, which often led to Snipes being decapitated by people named Olaf, or Otto.
It was during one of these drunken decapitations, that Snipes met a man named Jason Pollock. Pollock showed Snipes that people with an "o" in their name were just as human as anyone else. Snipes, realizing his horrible error, quickly struck a friendship with Pollock. The two went back into the bar and began (drunkenly) making fun or people with the letter "z" in their name, which led to a few more decapitations before they called it a night.
The next day, Snipes confessed to Pollock what had led him into his drunken spiral of shame. Pollock, who wasn't there, agreed to help Snipes in any way he could. Snipes immediately put Pollock in his trunk and drove him to his secret laboratory, where the two spent the next two weeks frantically scrawling notes on walls, their foreheads, even paper. The notes eventually wound up inconclusive, but the duo did not give up hope.
Snipes and Pollock began experimenting with a homemade DVD player, crudely made of q-tips, hashbrowns, and the little blue connector Lego blocks. It wasn't until Snipes invented Electricity(tm), that the two had their first major breakthrough.
Pollock reasoned that if you hooked up a set of jumper cables to the DVD and a car battery, manually spun the DVD backwards, and chanted a Candorian spell while smashing packets of mustard with a hammer, that maybe...just maybe...you could rewind a DVD. The rest, as they say, is history.
Now, rewinding DVDs is a test of manhood, a form of procreation, and a way to choose world leaders.
Snipes and Pollock never made a penny from their patented invention, and eventually went back to getting drunk at bars and making fun of people with the letter "z" in their name. But let us not forget the great nation that these two have built for us. Once known as America, it is now know as Kennsnipesandjasonpollockland, a fact which, sadly, eludes most Kennsnipesandjasonpollocklandians.
This is why today we celebrate COMEPLETE BULLSHIT DAY. Let us not forget these two great patriots.
[This message has been edited by DJEvil (edited 03-07-2000).]
j/k
