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I need help *(serious, for a change)*

post #1 of 13
9/19/00 at 6:17pm
Thread Starter 
Before I start, I guess I'll preface this with a small blurb that while none of you really know who I am I value your opinions and objectivity. I have been here a short while but people have treated me with respect and kindness.I need your advice.

I found out last night that my 3 1/2 year old daughter is not mine. At around the time we suspected she had been conceived, my then fiance had gone to a party and gotten quite drunk. A few weeks after the party (and after we had been together) we found out she was pregnant. I also began to hear things about her possibly screwing around with one of her ex's at this party. I paid those rumours no heed, but after my daughter was born, they were still floating around. I never insisted on a paternity test (as those actually cost money in Canada) and quite frankly was too broke to afford anything like that. My wife has said repeatedly that she was too drunk to remember if anything happened for sure, but that she was very sorry if anything had. Just a few weeks ago I got into a fight with my wife and this issue resurfaced again. I took my daughter with me to a clinic and we got the test done and I got the results back last week.

I am so fucking confused its scary. When I found out I was infuriated, then just depressed. You have to understand that when I had Amy, I was working at gas stations and Walmart to make enough to support my new family. Me, at age 25 with a B.Sc. in Mathematics, getting yelled at by fucking halfwits because I didn't know where in the fucking store they kept the Mindless-Fucking-Consumer Barbies. I swallowed my pride and did the work until I was able to go back to school and upgrade my programming skills. During those years our life was difficult and I made many sacrifices to ensure we could all survive. In Janury of this year, I graduated college with another diploma and was able to find work as a programmer consultant, being the overly-educated fuck that I am. The last few months have been bliss. We finally have money. My wife and I had a second daughter which I know is mine June 24th of this year. My job is the epitome of hilarity. Then we had to go and have that stupid fight.

I feel bitter and hurt and used and doubtful...I love Amy (our first daughter) and I do love my wife. The father is a complete fucking idiot and its debatable whether or not my wife could press charges for rape, given her inebreation at the time.
I don't know what to do about this. Everytime I look at Amy lately I am constantly thinking "I went through so much shit for you and you're not mine." It gets complicated because we have a new daughter now... I am afraid that if I don't get over this that I will begin to treat Amy differently than Emily (my newest daughter). But I know that part of me will never get over this. I love my wife but I am hurt and confused by this whole thing. Should I be mad at her? Did she know all along that this wasn't my child? Realistically, I am providing a far better life than the biological father could have, and I do take a small comfort in that. I am just not sure what I should be feeling at the moment or what I should do. If any of you have any advice, I would really, really appreciate it.

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Mike Arsenault
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
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post #2 of 13
9/19/00 at 6:34pm
She is your daughter. You are her father. It's a rough pill to swallow, but don't let it change the only relationship your oldest daughter knows of, or ever should know of.

That's my 10-cents.
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post #3 of 13
9/19/00 at 9:37pm
DITTO!! Because of the circumstances you two will not have an easy road. But your little girl needs her daddy - her daddy is you. To involve the "idiot" is wrong for the development of your little girl.

Indeed, there are many more things to be said but it comes down to one thing: While not being the "biological father" you are her daddy, her role model, her teacher, her parent.

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-KRONOS/"Crankcase" http://www.piranha.bigsmart.com
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post #4 of 13
9/19/00 at 10:02pm
I realized that I spend more time with my kids (students) than their parents during the week.

A powerful responsibility. You have the right to be upset at being misled. (I admit to skimming the thread.)

But continue to love the child. Just as everyone has underscored already, you have already been her father. Just proceed.

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You have drained me by speaking.
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post #5 of 13
9/20/00 at 10:45am
I actually disagree with Seabass. I may be wrong, but I would suggest waiting a long time before telling Amy that you are not her biological father. It would probably be something she could handle easier when she could understand it better. But I have no experience in the matter so I could be wrong.

Also, I agree with Blofeld and Devilf. She is your daughter now. No matter what shit may have gone down for it to end up that way, you obviously love her, or else you wouldn't have done so much to get in a good situation for her and your wife. So hang on to that, and just think about the good things. The things that have made the 2 years in Wal-Mart and Gas Stations worth it.

And good luck! You sound like a good person, and I wish you the best in life where ever it may lead you.
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post #6 of 13
9/20/00 at 11:22am
It’s already been stated here far more eloquently than I could ever hope to, but here’s my 1/50th of a dollar just the same.

If you had never ever known any of this, you wouldn’t love Amy any less or any differently than Emily. Now that you know that she is not blood of your blood, does that negate all the love that you’ve already bestowed on her?

Of course not.

You’ve loved her like a daughter, raised her as your own, and that’s that. She’s yours.

Don’t let a mistake made on someone else’s part years ago affect how you feel about your daughter today.

And personally, I’d go to the grave with the knowledge that her “real” father was a scumbag. If she never knows the truth about this, so what. She’ll grow up believing that the man that loved her and treated her right and was there for her when she needed him is her Father.

And isn’t that what it’s about?
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post #7 of 13
9/20/00 at 11:59am
The "truth" is something I'd keep to myself until and unless:

-- there was a medically necessary reason to know the sperm donor's family medical history;
-- your daughter was an adult (and not necessarily even then).

What would be the point of telling her? Why? How would it BETTER HER LIFE?
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post #8 of 13
9/20/00 at 5:25pm
Ludwig. I think you answer your own question in your post. The advice being offered here is totally sound.

Ask youself the following questions.

Do you love Amy?

When she looks in your eyes and calls you daddy, is there any doubt in her mind?

That is the only answer you need.

Biologically he is nothing more than a sperm donor and there are people who would love to have children produced by the sperm of someone else because they can't have their own. To love a child is the greatest responsibility there is. She loves you becasue she loves you. If you doubt it ask her why she loves you.

I wouldn't really think about telling her anything about who her biological father is. He actions have forfitted him his rights, if he ever had any. If your wife had been raped by a serial rapist, what right would that scum sucking bottom feeder have to have the child told. It means less than nothing. I agree that this is one you and your wife take to your graves.

The meer fact you posted this here shows you care enough and love that little girl enough to have this eating you up and that you care about her in this matter. Remember, who the daddy is will be determined in the first 18 years of her life, not at the moment of conception. You are a good man. You'll be a good dad for her and she is lucky.
If you love your wife and you know what happened, you can fix it. Best of luck!

[This message has been edited by Will (edited 09-20-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Will (edited 09-20-2000).]
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post #9 of 13
9/22/00 at 1:13pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you, those who responed (i this form and via e-mail), for your advice. I am not going to leave my home. I love Amy, and I have pretty much just said "Fuck it, I'm her father." My wife was quite upset wih everything that has happened but I believe her when she says that she is sorry and that she really didn't know anything happened. The one evil consolation that I have form all of this is that Amy's bio-father doesn't know for sure about any of this. The guy is such a loser that even after he knew that Lisa was pregnant, he never was in touch with her again. So he will never know the joy I have had in raising this girl. I also didn't want to be just another selfish prick and just dump my family. They all deserve better than that, and there are already too many people doing this to their families.

The only thing I am still a bit undecisive about is if and when I should tell her about this situation. Part of me doesn't want to tell Amy at all, because it would be the ultimate form of revenge on the bio-dad. Could you imagine going through your whole life never knowing that you could of had a child in your life? I can't think of a worse thing that could happen to me, anyway. But I don't know if this is fair to Amy. Does she have the right to know? I still have quite a few years before I have to make this decision, but your advice has helped me get through this whole mess with some clarity and peace of mind. Who says the message boards are a big waste of time?

Thanks again everyone!

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Mike Arsenault
"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
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post #10 of 13
9/22/00 at 5:04pm
Ludwig, given your history of creative revenge and your utter lack of even joking about it here, that should tell you something.
That sounds like a smartass remark, but it isn't.
I've been in a similiar situation, believe it or not (no, not Hastur, don't start any rumours). My case didn't have as strong ties as yours...I suspected shortly before the kid was born, and it was obvious afterwards, as neither of us are really tall and have read hair...but the end result towards the child was the same. He was taken care of, and no love lost because he wasn't of my blood.
So, basically...what they said (and chenzzo, sometime short & simple IS eloquent), which seems to be the same verdict you've reached.
Blood only determines a person so far...the majority of what she becomes are her surroundings. Therefore, what she is and becomes is: your daughter.

As for telling her...that's not anything you can decide now. What I'd suggest is discussing with your wife the possibility of telling her in the future. *IF* she becomes curious or wants/needs to know, tell her then. Be careful about deciding it's too soon...make sure you're not just putting it off because YOU're worried of how she'll react. (Did that make sense?)
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post #11 of 13
9/23/00 at 5:21am
It's news I'D love to hear...
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post #12 of 13
9/26/00 at 3:15am
DJ...I am your father...

And son-I love you.
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post #13 of 13
9/26/00 at 11:13am
I have emailed you on the topic, at your mikenlisa address. It's best kept confidential.
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