So, okay, it was scripted-a scripted joke to take the edge off of a ludicrous conflict.
And I know that it worked.
But I thought that you might like to see the original as concocted by Will and HAM.
I think Ludwig got all the funny lines...
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LUDWIG: Good evening, CHUDDIES and gentlema-
Well, good evening CHUDDIES, and welcome to WEBSQUABBLE 2000: The War to Settle the Score.
Our combatants tonight need no introduction-so I'm not really sure why I'm going to do it anyway-but here goes:
At the PC to my right, weighing in at 6 foot 1 and three-quarter inches, and weighing in at 225 lbs, the impish prankster, the HAM-Bone Shankster-EVIIIIIIL WILL!
And to my left, lounging on the couch in front of a 52" Toshiba projection screen TV, holding in his hand the wireless keyboard of webTV, the man, who with nearly 3000 posts to his credit-most of them homoerotic rants about Rowdy Roddy Piper-has become a CHUD mainstay-6'2", 232 pounds of HOT...ANIMAL...MACHINE!
And now...for the five or six people in attendence-and the millions on the World Wide Web...and those millions...and millions who couldn't be here because they are MSN subscribers...
LET'S GET READY TO RUMMMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (cough, echh!)
DING DING DING!
Alright guys-Round One: COME OUT SWINGING!
HAM: So...I heard you're talking shit.
WILL: No. You're talking shit-and I didn't know they piled it so high!
HAM: Look, douche-what you should do is just give it up right now-you do not have what it takes to deal with me!
WILL: Oooh big words from a little ham! And you're right, I don't have what it takes to deal with you. Wait here and I'll go buy a two-foot double-headed dong!
HAM: Why don't you just check under your pillow, fuckboy.
WILL: Hey! I don't-
HAM: Fuck you, pal-you started this shite, and I'm gonna' end it.
WILL: I didn't start this-YOU did!
HAM: No, YOU did!
WILL: No I DIDN'T!
HAM: YES YOU DID!
WILL: No I DIDN'T!
HAM: YES YOU DID!
WILL: No I DIDN'T!
HAM: NO YOU DIDN'T!
WILL: YES I DID!
HAM: IDA KNO!
HAM AND WILL: THIRD BASE!
HAM: Yeah, well-You're still a douche. God DAMN it-If we were face to face, I would so Jack-Knife Powerbomb you through the concrete.
WILL: You really are into wrestling, aren't you?
HAM: Now you're gonna' start more shit?
WILL: No-I used to watch wrestling when I was a kid. Back then-that shit was hilarious. Did I ever tell you about the time I met "Classy" Freddie Blassie in a San Diego TV studio?
HAM: You're KIDDING!
WILL: Nope. He was there taping a local wrestling show-and you'll never believe who the host was...
HAM: Who?
WILL: Regis Philbin!
HAM: Reeeeaally? Regis?!
WILL: Yep-fucked up, eh?
HAM: That IS weird, now him-I would Jack-Knife.
WILL: Only do it for real, so he ends up in a neck brace like Andy Kaufman.
HAM: Will-that whole Andy Kaufman thing was just as fake as anything in wrestling today?
WILL: What'choo talkin' bout, Willis?
HAM: Don't you know the difference between a "work" an a "shoot"?
WILL: Explain.
HAM: There are two types of match psychology in wrestling-a "work" and a "shoot". A "Shoot" is when the two guys in the ring hate each other's guts for real-and a promoter taps into that to hype a match. A "Work" is fake-it's a joke, it's-
WILL: What we've been doing on the boards since Tuesday when we e-mailed each other and buried the hatchet?
HAM: Exactly!
WILL: INDEED! So that means that all of this was merely-
HAM: ACTING!
WILL: BRILLIANT!
HAM: GENIUS!
WILL: THANK YOU!
HAM: THANK YOU!
WILL: No, THANK YOU!
HAM: No, no, no-THANK YOU!
WILL: But I insist-THANK YOU!
HAM: But no-THANK YOU!
WILL: THANK YOU!
HAM: THANK YOU!
WILL: THANK YOU!
HAM: THANK YOU!
WILL: THANK YOU!
LUDWIG: Third Base?!
HAM AND WILL: Huh?!
LUDWIG: We have a winner-SEWER CHEWERS EVERWHERE!!
ALL: HOOORAY!!!
WILL: Thanks very much for coming-I can only hope your bloodlust was sated-and if not, go stab yourself or sumthin'!
HAM: Good night from BUDOKAN-CHEAP TRICK says goodnight!! MWaa! MWaa!
DON KING: Only in AMERICA!!
THE PRECEEDING WAS A HAM and WILL PRESENTATION.
Directed by: DAVID FINCHER
Produced by: MENAHEM GOLAN and YORAM GLOBUS
Written by: RICHARD PRICE based on his novel
Music by: BERNARD HERRMANN
Starring:
KURT RUSSELL as Hot Animal Machine
JENNIFER LOPEZ as Will
Bob "Captain Kangaroo" Keesham as Ludwig
and DONALD SUTHERLAND
(Because "and Donald Sutherland" is in EVERYTHING)
Copyright 2000 Ham and Will. All rights reserved. Some restrictions apply. If you are not satisfied with Websquabble 2000, please return unused portion for a full refund. Produced in cooperation with BEATRICE.
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So there you have it. Hope you enjoyed the show.
Copyright 2000 Ham and Will Productions-In association with Merv Griffin Enterprises.
