Ever Mugged Somebody?

It was a rainy Friday night and I was horny like a motherfucker you wouldn't believe. All the hoity-toity gay clubs charged ridiculously excessive fees and had stringent dress codes. Sadly, I wasn't wearing my leather tong, so I knew that even though I had the dough, I wouldn't be able to get in.

Anyway, like I said, I was freaking horny. In fact, my dick was already dry-humping my balls. Of course it made it worse. Anyway, across the street was a porn shop and I figured that I use my credit card I once accidentally signed up from some shady telemarketer from Orlando, Florida. On a positive note, I have a 78-year subscription to "Home & Garden."

Anyway, I saw "Big Brassy Balls, Part 3" and I knew that I wanted it. (Part 2 wasn't as good as the original, but what sequels have excelled their forebears? Okay, "Aliens" might have, but I don't know why I have to include this unnecessary exposition to appease the film geeks here in CHUD. But I digress.)

So as I was saying, I was eyeing BBB3 (don't confuse it with "Big Black Booties Part 3") when I realized that my credit card was maxed out. At that moment my dick was slowly trying to penetrate my ass! Talk about fucking yourself! Anyways, I saw an old lady walking with a walker and decided to mug her.

When you want your porn, you gotta do what it takes, even doing a karate neck chop on old ladies on walkers.

Unfortunately, the octogenarian (she's probably older than that, but I just wanted to say that word because he looked like a vegetarian octopus) had a thick-as-ass neck brace (probably from some scam car accident) and broke my hand. Yes. That hand I use to masturbate with.

Anyway, so I've failed, but luckily for me grandmama was into kinky sex and I got twenty bucks for doing the nasty with her while she stood on her walker. Hey, when you gotta fuck, you can fuck anything. But instead of buying BBB3 with my recently-acquired wealth, I bought a leather tong.

For God's sakes, I can't spell "thong" right. That damn Laugharn stole my "h," I tell you what!