Suicidal Tendencies...

Dan, go to a strip club tonight and spoil yourself rotten, with no less than 3 private dances. It did wonders for me during my funk. Seriously.

May not be the best advice, I know, but you'll feel a lot better and it seems like you could use some kind of positive human contact right about now.

I hope you pull yourself out of this dude, sincerely. Suicide isn't a solution, in any way or form.

I've been in your position, Dan. I've experienced it as a young child, as a teenager, and in my early 20's.

Personally, giving advice is a very serious thing. I don't think it's something that should be thrown around lightly. Especially when it comes to serious issues such as this.

I don't know you, Dan, nor do you know me. But you have shared a big part of yourself, and let me share in kind.

When I was a child, I felt that I was a child of a demon. I felt that because I was attracted to husky and older men instead of women. I knew that if I prayed to God a lot, my sinful thoughts would disappear. They never did and my "deviant" attraction continued. At one point, I considered killing myself. I didn't feel right. I felt like a mutant and a monster. I knew that I wouldn't belong with anybody.

But my fear of dying prevented me from going through with it.

My teenage years got worse. This is when adolescent boys become sexually aware and I had to wear a mask and pretend that I was attracted to women. I even had a girlfriend for fear of being labeled as a "fag." I denied who I was and pretended I was someone I was not. I preferred the comfort of acceptance than the fear of rejection.

Nevertheless, when I'm alone, I'd feel that my life was a big lie. Again, I contemplated suicide, but my fear of dying prevented me from doing so.

So I learned to displace my fears and worries to reading books, writing stories, collecting toys, playing games, and watching films. They're all temporary happiness because eventually, the feeling of loneliness always crept in.

I then graduated high school and college. I was a fairly intelligent man, but I quickly decided to move to Las Vegas which was a major mistake. This town wasn't nice to people who didn't have connections. I learned the hard way as I couldn't find a decent job worthy of my qualifications. I ended up working as a Slot Club Clerk (comparable to the people who work in the arcades). Many nights I sat in front of a television watching infomercials and feeling jealous of people who made money overnight. I bought a couple of those programs out of desperation and looking for a shortcut to wealth.

That was a dark moment in my life. I was in ruin in regards to love and finance. At that point I had the courage to kill myself.

I tried, I really did; but sticking with that casino, it bore some fruit. I got hired in the IT Department which boosted my salary and I also started a lucrative online business to keep me well-off.

The thing is I was glad I had suffered. Without such suffering, you won't completely appreciate the good things that will ultimately come to fruition. And, they will, if you keep a positive outlook (and a bit of reliance on ol' Lady Luck).

Don't worry about what others say behind your back. Heck, I'm at the same age and I'm sure I'm also gossip fodder. They probably think I'm gay, but, hey, it's true! Haha. Anyway, the one advice I can give is to not worry about what other people think. You are the only person who runs YOUR life. Not them. And your life is precious. Through thick and thin you should keep at it. When you're down, do not cry from the pain but look around for ways to heal them. Your life is worth it. As khitcher has said, go out and entertain yourself. It's much better to have fun to agonize over things. Live it up, friend! (Though I must admit, I have to learn that same advice. I'm just not that sociable!)

And you have friends here, Dan. Thank you for opening up and sometimes that is the first step in the healing process. Don't lose hope, my friend.

This is serious stuff, my friend. Let me first tell you a bit about my background so you know where I'm coming from and what kind of experience I have with such things.

I felt generally worthless for the majority of my life up until about 4 or 5 years ago. I had always blamed it primarily on myself, thinking I was just a "loser," weak, feeling sorry for myself, etc. Finally, on December 1st, 1997, I reached a point of numbness and utter despair that allowed me to actually attempt suicide. I swallowed 200 + aspirin pills, drank a few bottles of cold medicine, blocked my door, and said goodbye to the world.

That night was the definition of hell. I was a sweaty, vomiting, miserable wreck. When I regained consciousness (much to my dismay) the next morning, I realized I had gone deaf. Not only had I failed in yet another endeavour, but now I was deaf to top it off. I struggled my way downstairs, where my father later found me passed out. He called an ambulance, and the doctor in the ER gave me a 50% chance of living. He said if I had gone another hour without attention, I'd have died. Of course, throughout this time I was still miserable and wishing it had all gone as planned, but my hearing soon came back (too much aspirin temporarily affects hearing), which gave me hope.

To make a long story short, I fully recovered (which everyone said was a miracle), I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed all kinds of medication until we found the right one. I'm glad to say that I have since become very happy with my life, myself and can usually see the bright side in almost any situation. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes effort, but I'm telling you that it's worth it, no matter how overwhelmed you might feela t times.

I guess my point is, no matter how horrible life seems, how utterly hopeless it all feels, there is always hope, there is always a way out. Have you ever seen a therapist? Have you ever been tested for depression? Even if you don't have it, there's nothing like a good therapy session with a person you trust to help you air out all your demons.

I won't give you the usual speeches about how selfish it is to commit suicide, or how we are beautiful flowers and contribute something special to this world. Having had such bumper-sticker psychology shoved in my face hundreds of times, I know how little it helps. The bottom line is - don't give up. No matter how utterly worthless you feel, how much better those around you seem to be doing, how few friends you have, DO NOT GIVE UP! There are solutions, no matter how impossible it may sound.

The first thing you should do is set up an appointment with a therapist, or go to your doctor and ask him for suggestions. These are people who will speak to you openly, honestly, objectively, and know a lot more about good programs than the average joe. You'd be amazed how simple the solution can be.

The worst thing you could do at this point would be to shrug these feelings off and ignore them. Your body, head and heart are trying to tell you something, and you really need to listen. Keeping it bottled up is very dangerous, and just results in a more violent outburst later on.

Depression/negative thinking is like a cancer, and the sooner you get it identified and start looking for cures, the more likely you'll be able to conquer it.

I want you to know that I'd love to talk more with you about this, and I urge you to e-mail me or PM me here whenever you like. I mean that, ok? Always remember that you're not alone, no matter how much it may seem like you are.

I hope this post wasn't too sappy or melodramatic, but I know firsthand (I've met dozens of others with similar issues during my post-hospital treatments) that such issues can't be treated lightly, no matter how casually it is brought up.

Take care, and I hope things take an upward turn for you. The first step is always the hardest, and I truly hope you're willing to take it.



Chris

Wise words Voltes.

Dan, I've been where you are and I'm sure I'll revisit that dark place at some point. The difference being, the experience it took to get THROUGH it. And you will.

My 20's were for shit. Yeah like you college was great, but once you get out you just don't meet the quality people you once did. (Save these boards) I thought my life was going nowhere, but I stopped and set a plan, a broad plan mind you. And I'm reasonably happy with it.

I started setting little goals for myself, and no one else, and as I achieved them it really boosted my self confidence. Since I'm a messy bastard, one of my goals was to always fix my bed before I took off for work. Not to sound preachy, but this one little thing helped me to become better organized and to appreciate myself more.

Dan, the reason I say this is that no one is going to make you happy but yourself dude. Screw what other people think about you man. It's what you think about yourself that matters. If you don't like what or who you see in the mirror DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

There's no time like the present, man. Life is truly worth living.

Let me know if you ever want to chat. I've got some stories, both good and bad to share.

Alain

Don't say to yourself, "Oh it was nothing. Just something that has passed. I'm okay now."

See a professional. It may only take one visit. It may take a few.

Please do it.

What might help Zod is group therapy. I had been going to a therapist for a while and really It didn't do much in way of my improvement. What group therapy did for me is made me realize I was not alone and the friends you make in the group are the most supportive people I know I can go to when I am depressed.

Wow, I never know what to say to situations like this. I just want you to know that I do care and that my email is always available. I am always there for the talking to. We have talked before, a long time ago, and I'd like to think that I know you a little bit - and that I do care for you. Seriously, I hope you get past this hump. Email me sometime sweetie!

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. I'll certainly drop you a line at that address if it's ok. Sometimes all it takes is talking to someone who's been there. Also, Sleepless is right on the money about group therapy. Nothing like physical proof that you're not alone in your feelings.

Sleep well! Keep us posted on how things go, ok?



Chris

General Zod, I understand exactly where you are coming from, also. I have had similar feelings. I have mentioned that I was manic-depressive on the board before. I have struggled with feelings like yours for years, but I go from bouts of mania to really deep bouts of depression. Chud has helped ease some of the depression, but I still have to take medication for right now.

I really think you should see a good doctor and tell him your feelings. There are many good medications out there for depression right now, and they do help ease the pain. Talk to a doctor as soon as possible. I hope you feel better soon, and my thoughts will be with you.

This is wonderful to hear, Dan! All you need is that pleasant dream and the next morning, you will have unwittingly dominated the entire galaxy, General Zod!

I'm putting you on my buddy list on MSN. If you ever need someone to chat with I'm here most of the day. wink

Ditto. I'm almost always on line. Feel free to say hi anytime and I'll do the same for you. we can always talk about how much we hate Spammi on DOOL!

Yes, if you need to talk, IM or email me.

Glad that you're feeling better. Be grateful for what you have. Go out and enjoy yourself and things will change.

You are welcome.

Zod, I feel for you.

Things have never been as bad as to kill myself, but the thought crossed my mind before. Yup. It was a very vague thought, though.

I just used to feel worthless. I still feel worthless at times. But, then, when these feelings come up on me, I step back and look around. At my Mom, my Dad, and my Sister. And our cats. And my computer. And CHUD. And other things I love that are filled with different kinds and different levels of love. And i'm comforted, even if for a brief moment. Moments like that, though, are what keeps me going.

Fuck, my life isn't even hard, but I make things hard.

I'm not exactly sure what to say, but I thought it would be a nice gesture to respond however I can. I don't have any advice that would match what most of the people here have said already. It is worth saying, though, that the people here certainly mean everything they say, because there is more of a sense of community, heck, more of a sense of FAMILY on these boards than I've ever seen on a forum. We do care, Zod, so I hope you feel better in the morning and can enjoy the nice stuff in life. If not, there are more than a handful of people here who would be happy to talk to you about your troubles.

I'm sure things will get better.

Rick

i like the way you think.

i may feel a funk coming on, myself. next weekend.

i care about you.

Dan,

Please count me among those that are here if you need to talk. I've had some dark times myself, but as long as you talk about it there is hope. If you find yourself fighting the blues consistently, medication may be the way to go. When you aren't thinking rationally it's hard to decide what is best for you, medication can help to "even the keel" and get your thinking straight. It is not a permanent solution, eventually you will have to explore what in your experience has led you to feel this way, but meds can be a first step in the long journey toward healing yourself.

Wishing you strength and peace,
Lisa Marie aka Gracie

Thanks for the update. Take care.

Keep it up.

Great to hear that you're doing a lot better, Dan.

And I hope you don't think I posted in jest. Some of those ladies have helped me thru some really depressing times. It's the human connection more than anything else. True, the fact that they're naked and grabby don't hurt.

Zod, my movie posting buddy! Man, we haven't spoken to each other in so long. I miss those view and review posts we shared. Why did we stop? It's great to see you here, but I'm sorry to read that you're going through such a tough time right now. Please feel free to email me at american77@sprintmail.com if you feel like chatting with another friend that cares and loves you.

Kathy

Hey Zod. I suffer from chronic depression and have to take prozac daily to keep from killing myself. It made a world of difference. If you can't afford to talk to a therapist, talk to your doctor. They can refer you to someone or prescribe you something.

To combat loneliness I try to keep active. Yoga, martial arts, eating out, pool leagues, anything that will keep me out of the house and around people.

I hear ya about the women situation. Not too many women are interested in guys like us. It sucks to no end of hell when I see a great girl dating a loser or lowlife. I really don't have any advice in this area other than try the online personals. Match.com and yahoo.com are your best bets.

Hang in there!

Zod,

I'm glad you're doing better, man. Need anything, throw me a holler.

Zod, as someone who has recently gone through a life re-set, let me tell you: knowing the problem is most of the battle. The rest is execution. Make a plan, and take the baby steps. It feels good to do so, and your life will feel like it has an important purpose -- building the 'you' you wish.

Strength to you, sir. You'll do well.

Oh, and a piece of advice about the 'woman' thing. Build your life WITHOUT the woman first. Then you'll have something to offer a healthy specimen of womanhood.

What Blofeld said. No woman wants a guy whose needy (not that I'm saying that you are). It makes the woman feel guilty, like your happiness is contigent on what she does. If you are happy with yourself, we pick up on that and want to get a piece of it. I know you are going through a rough time, but you just have to put yourself out there and talk to people.

I used to go out withfriends and spend the whole night just talking to them. It's intimidating for a guy who is interested in me to put himself out there in front of a group. I've been better about taking to strangers, not necessarily to find "the one," but to just talk. And you know what, even though I don't have a boyfriend, I've still met some really cool people.

Zod, thank you for your note. Please feel free at any time.

I'd be honored. Just say the word. You pick the next one!