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Dark Corners

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
Logan is doing Wicker and I the favor of hosting this short story project we are working on. It is a series of stories, each linkied by a character, object, or circumstance ot the next story. Give the first two a read and tell us what you think!

<a href="http://generallogan.com/DarkCorners/" target="_blank">http://generallogan.com/DarkCorners/</a>
post #2 of 41
Read some of this at work. Pretty good so far.
post #3 of 41
Quote:
billylove:
Read some of this at work. Pretty good so far.
Thanks pal, your input is appreciated.
post #4 of 41
Bookmarked for my evening read!
post #5 of 41
Thread Starter 
Make sure y'all check back weekly. A new one should go up today.
post #6 of 41
Quote:
Avalon:
Bookmarked for my evening read!
Nice one, be sure to let us know what you thought.
post #7 of 41
post #8 of 41
I read Slater's remarks in his thread regarding the adjectives and I agree. Still a good read, though.

I read all three and I'll watch for more. Though Dead Man's Shoe was my favorite, you guys make a great tag-team. Nice work by both! Thanks for giving us something to sink our fangs into.
post #9 of 41
Quote:
Avalon:
I read Slater's remarks in his thread regarding the adjectives and I agree. Still a good read, though.

I read all three and I'll watch for more. Though Dead Man's Shoe was my favorite, you guys make a great tag-team. Nice work by both! Thanks for giving us something to sink our fangs into.
Thanks Avalon, and as a tag team i think we're probably along the lines of The Undertaker (Scott) and Mysterio
post #10 of 41
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Slater:
<strong>Read the "Old Friends" story. I liked it. There were a few parts where it seemed overwritten, where there were four or five adjectives in a single sentence, but that's a problem I have, too.</strong>

I'll take a look at that thanks!

<strong>The idea of the two old friends being creatures of the night is a fun one,</strong>

I really like the idea of vamps adn weres being friends as so often they are portrayed as being at odds.

<strong>and you've got some great gothic imagery.</strong>

Could you point it out?

<strong>The story relies a little heavily on coincidence (he can't find his friend, then a cabby randomly tells him exactly where his friend is?), but sometimes those shortcuts are necessary to keep things moving along.</strong>

Yeah adn especially trying to keep it fairly short.

<strong>I especially liked the brief interplay between Dimitri and Piotr as they were leaving the zoo, and I actually would have liked to see even more of it.</strong>

I want to beef that up but I wasn't sure how far to carry it adn where t olet it end. That's a big problem for me.

<strong>On the whole, it's a solid, well-written story with some good imagination and imagery at work.</strong>

Thanks for the feedback my man!
post #11 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
WickerMan:
Thanks Avalon, and as a tag team i think we're probably along the lines of The Undertaker (Scott) and Mysterio
Thanks for giving me the cool one!

Yeah I think these stories get better as they go along.
post #12 of 41
Quote:
capteucalyptus:
Could you point it out?

I want to beef that up but I wasn't sure how far to carry it adn where t olet it end. That's a big problem for me.
Not really specific points, but I liked the way you described the vampire floating down the alleyway, the way he scaled the fence in a heartbeat, the descriptions of the animals in the zoo screaming when they sense his presence. You do a good job of establishing mood in just a few short pages, which is admirable.

As for beefing up the interplay, here's what I THOUGHT was going to happen--and this is just a suggestion, just the first thing that came to mind. I think that final scene between the zookeeper and the two creatures could really be punched up if you add some conversation between the wolf and the 'pire.

I kept expecting the werewolf to growl something like, "Kill her." The zookeeper would hear the growl, and remark on how he's starting to wake up. "Kill her," the wolf would repeat. "Kill her and get me out of this stinking building." You could really play with tension like that, since we already think the vampire is about to kill the woman. If the werewolf was egging him on the entire time (which is reasonable, since it seems bloodthirsty and desperate to escape), and the vampire was blatantly ignoring the wolf while playing with the zookeeper's emotions...well, that could be a fantastic scene.

Again, that's just what came to mind when I was reading it, and I might be off base. But if you're looking for a way to punch up the story during revisions, I'd start somewhere in that area.

And, again, nice job. Enjoyed it.
post #13 of 41
Thread Starter 
Thanks again. Your suggestion is actually pretty darn good. Putting that in the old mental mix-master.
post #14 of 41
Quote:
capteucalyptus:
Thanks again. Your suggestion is actually pretty darn good. Putting that in the old mental mix-master.
I agree, Slater's suggestion could play very cool.
Any chance you could have a look at mine?
post #15 of 41
Thread Starter 
He's gonna make you comment on his first. wink
post #16 of 41
If I have time this afternoon, Wicker, I'll take a look at it.
post #17 of 41
Quote:
Slater:
If I have time this afternoon, Wicker, I'll take a look at it.
Thanks Slater, appreciated.
post #18 of 41
Okay, I got a chance, Wicker. I did like the story, mainly for the descriptions. Sometimes you fell into the "too many adjectives" trap, but most of us do, myself definitely included. Your writing tone seemed very unique and precise, and your descriptions were original. There were quite a few punctuation errors (mostly missing commas), but that's easily correctable.

I guess my biggest question/complaint would be the fact that the story is 99% build-up, but then the payoff isn't really satisfying. The fact that it ends with the bats biting him just raises more questions than it answers, and while ambiguity is good and well, this is almost a little too much. I'm not sure how to explain this...it seems like the first 4/5ths of the story are building, building, building, and we're waiting to see what the zookeeper is doing, where he's going, what's he's planning. Then he lets the bats bite him and collapses, and the audience almost feels cheated, like you established this mystery and then refused to pay it off. Does that make any sense?

I did enjoy reading the story, however, and I think you've built a solid basis here for something moody and memorable. Good luck.
post #19 of 41
Thread Starter 
Third one is up. Let us know what you think!
post #20 of 41
Quote:
Slater:

I guess my biggest question/complaint would be the fact that the story is 99% build-up, but then the payoff isn't really satisfying. The fact that it ends with the bats biting him just raises more questions than it answers, and while ambiguity is good and well, this is almost a little too much. I'm not sure how to explain this...it seems like the first 4/5ths of the story are building, building, building, and we're waiting to see what the zookeeper is doing, where he's going, what's he's planning. Then he lets the bats bite him and collapses, and the audience almost feels cheated, like you established this mystery and then refused to pay it off. Does that make any sense?
Thanks pal. I had that feeling after i had written it too.
Originally i had written a further couple of pages but i chopped it down to try and keep it short and sweet.
I completely see what your saying so thanks for the pointers Slater, its something that i will now rectify.
post #21 of 41
Thread Starter 
post #22 of 41
Quote:
Capt. Eucalyptus (Devout Slaterian):
<a href="http://www.generallogan.com/DarkCorners/CoffinFit.html" target="_blank">http://www.generallogan.com/DarkCorners/CoffinFit.html</a>

Part four!!!
Ya beat me to it pal.
post #23 of 41
And be sure to check back for the latest installment, coming later this week i beleive.
post #24 of 41
And <a href="http://generallogan.com/DarkCorners/MusicBox.html" target="_blank">here's</a> part five of Dark Corners monster anthology by your friendly neighbourhood Eucalyptus.
post #25 of 41
Thread Starter 
Your feedback is desired and the first five who read and comment will recieve not only my undying thanks but a conjugal visit from Wickerman himself!!
post #26 of 41
Quote:
Adm. Eucalyptus (BeerDie-ologist):
Your feedback is desired and the first five who read and comment will recieve not only my undying thanks but a conjugal visit from Wickerman himself!!
Zing! Oh, wait. Does Wicker know about this? Heh.

I will read the next three sometime this evening. Sorry I fell behind there.
post #27 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Avalon:
Zing! Oh, wait. Does Wicker know about this? Heh.
He will in about 4 or 5 hours.

<strong>
Quote:
I will read the next three sometime this evening. Sorry I fell behind there.
Quite alright.

Quote:
Bunny Dracula - Cardinal Elect:
Can I burn him as an offering to Cernunnos after the conjugal visit?
Nope. Not until we finish all eight anyway!

And how did I know that this would bring folks out? People love a man in uniform I guess!

post #28 of 41
Dude, if you change your name any more than you have, even I won't recognize you.

In the famous words of Ahnuld..I'll be baaaack.

Wee hours or morning (after I watch Wickerman's face drop from the scare).
post #29 of 41
Bunny Dracula - Cardinal Elect, thanks for the kind words.
And yes it was inspired by the King/Straub colaboration, and also by our love for the classic Universal Monsters.
The next one is due this week but i haven't got off my lazy arse to finish it yet so it'll be delayed a tad.
And i would love to read your story, just drop me a mail when your done.
And you are indeed at the top of the 'conjugal visit' list followed by the delectable Avalon.
And just as soon as im done sacrificing Cap for offering my services, I'll be over. wink
post #30 of 41
Quote:
Avalon:
Dude, if you change your name any more than you have, even I won't recognize you.

In the famous words of Ahnuld..I'll be baaaack.

Wee hours or morning (after I watch Wickerman's face drop from the scare).
And drop it did.
I tell ya, that Cap treats me awfully you know.
post #31 of 41
Lifting the body from the crudely converted meat hooks that had suspended it, Avalon reveled in the read. Coffin Fit is great!

The Music Box is simply exquisite, Scott. Your best one yet. Wow!

I can only echo Bunny in the sentiments. Great post, btw. Thanks so much for this continued joint effort, guys. You definitely give other writers a run for their money. Bravo, gentlemen.

(and Wick, I would try to respond with a funny retort, but it's waaaay too early in the morning.)
post #32 of 41
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bunny Dracula - Cardinal Elect:
<strong>Mmmmmmmm - scones with clotted cream and quince jam - Garghhghhrhhh...</strong>

It sounded like the sort of thing a silly American in Britain would eat to get the "full experience". I have NO idea what quince jam tastes like adn clotted cream sounds nasty.

<strong>I just read all five stories at a throw</strong>

Dedication, you're hired.

<strong>and, I must say, I was mightily impressed. It would seem that you two are doing a tag-team take on various tried and true supernatural themes. This is a shared world, no? Well, you've both done a stellar job of fleshing it out; almost reminds me of a World of Darkness anthology.</strong>

That, as me ole china has said, is it exactly.

<strong>I, particularly, enjoyed the last story - a nice take on the restless-ghost. The writing flowed nice and smooth and didn't seem at all forced and artificial. Both you guys have shown improvement over your earlier efforts in that you've come to realise that clever writing does not necessarily equate to good writing. I think this is a problem with most writers when they first start out; everyone wants to write like a pro instead of as themselves. In both your cases, however, the proof is in the pudding that improvement comes with time, practice, and concentrating on the story instead of the process of writing it. Kudos.</strong>

Thanks for the praise! We have been consistently raising the bar on one another. I expect Wick's next one ot blow Music Box away!

<strong>As to your collaboration: you are complementary to each other. Am I correct in assuming that the idea for this joint-effort was inspired by the collaborations of Stephen King and Peter Straub of The Talisman and Black House fame? If so, good show!</strong>

Wait til you see our novel.

<strong>But I think your individual styles are more reminicent of Ramsey Campbell (WickerMan) and James Herbert (Cap). But you are not slavish carbon copies of either - which is a very fine thing, as it is good to be inspired by a certain author, but to ape him is to become un-inspired in your ideas.</strong>

I'll have to check these guys out. Never heard of either one.

<strong>I look forward to the other installments in this on-going endeavour.</strong>

Me too. The final should be most interesting as it ties everything together adn we're co writing it.

<strong>you guys can critique the story I'm working on when I have finished it. I'll PM you when it's done for a submit.</strong>

Twould be our pleassure.

<strong>Who knows? Maybe after you read it you'll let me join your sweet, little club. Until then...</strong>

Out entrance fee is darn high!
post #33 of 41
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE]Originally posted by WickerMan:
<strong>The next one is due this week but i haven't got off my lazy arse to finish it yet so it'll be delayed a tad.</strong>

Get to work!!

<strong>And just as soon as im done sacrificing Cap for offering my services, I'll be over. wink </strong>

Oh you know you love it!!

<strong>I tell ya, that Cap treats me awfully you know.</strong>

You think I'm bad, wait til you make that woman your trouble!!!
post #34 of 41
Thread Starter 
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Avalon:
<strong>The Music Box is simply exquisite, Scott. Your best one yet. Wow!</strong>

Molto gratzi!
post #35 of 41
Quote:
Adm. Eucalyptus (BeerDie-ologist):
I expect Wick's next one ot blow Music Box away!
Ooh you git, that bloody bar is getting far too high for my liking.
post #36 of 41
Quote:
Avalon:
Lifting the body from the crudely converted meat hooks that had suspended it, Avalon reveled in the read. Coffin Fit is great!

The Music Box is simply exquisite, Scott. Your best one yet. Wow!
Yes, talented little devil that Cap ;-)

And thanks Avalon, we're glad your enjoying the read.
post #37 of 41
Thread Starter 
Quote:
WickerMan:
Quote:
Adm. Eucalyptus (BeerDie-ologist):
I expect Wick's next one ot blow Music Box away!
Ooh you git, that bloody bar is getting far too high for my liking.
You can do it I have faith in you!!
post #38 of 41
Quote:
Adm. Eucalyptus (BeerDie-ologist):
Quote:
WickerMan:
Quote:
Adm. Eucalyptus (BeerDie-ologist):
I expect Wick's next one ot blow Music Box away!
Ooh you git, that bloody bar is getting far too high for my liking.
You can do it I have faith in you!!
Cheers pal, i should have something for you to critique by Monday.
post #39 of 41
Quote:
Bunny Dracula - Cardinal Elect:
Read your friggin' PMs, Eucalyptus and WickerDude!

Cheers
Did, but where'd you put it?
post #40 of 41
Thread Starter 
Recieved adn forwarded to Wicker.
post #41 of 41
Scott,

Ecellent writing on these. I love the character details that move these protagonist beyond heroic horrow stereotypes.

You seem to be acutely aware of these because you take the piss out of the old "European romantic supernatural creature seduces woman" bit in "Old Friends." Just when it looked like it was going to be too much, his friends awakes and ends that.

"Dead Man's Shoes" had an AWESOME heroine who I'd like to see in other stories. I liked "The Music Box" as well, but a little less so than the others.

Wicker,

I liked "The Keeper" and "Coffin Fit" as well, but they seemed more setup than anything else. I definitely hope to see more stories in these universes.
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