THE OUTLAW GETS LAID!!!

If Grendel can do it, so can I. A little background:

I'm nineteen years old. I have dated the SAME girl for five long years. Yes, I know, insane. Anyway, the last year or so of our relationship had been less than stellar. We grew apart, our intrests became diverted, and we began to fight alot. I decided that no matter how hard it would be, no matter how much she would cry, no matter how badly I would hurt, that I had to end it. The relationship had gone sour, and it was just it's time to step into the light.

Plus, she got really, really fat.

Mean, aren't I? I figure that in the last two years, I have gained MAYBE ten pounds. I watch what I eat, I exercise, etc. She chose not to, and now, she's a good deuce, maybe deuce and a half on the hoof. So for the last six months, there has been NO SEX. We fought constantly, and I was totally uninterested physically. That was another big deciding factor in the breakup. Dont worry, I didn't call her names when we ended it. It went rather smoothly.

So anyway, that was a little over a month ago. About a week after we broke up, I was at a friends house watching a movie when this girl walks in and hugs me. I had no idea who it was. She tells me that we met at a party last year, and it finally dawns on me who she is. She gives me her phone number, and we ended up really connecting. We went on a bunch of dates and hung out almost everyday. She's awesome, jaw-droppingly beautiful, and generally amazing. This afternoon, she came over to help me make this Dr. Octopus costume (that's another topic). But anyway, one thing led to another, and there's these candles lit and some music on. So as I'm sure you can figure, your boy Adam (me, fuckers) got him some sweet lovin'. It was the most incredible sex I could have ever imagined. As I type this, I am in PAIN from it. If you live within about three counties, you may have actually heard us. It was a helluva confidence booster if you know what I mean. So I sit here with a more positive outlook on life, a smile on my face, and a thumbs up from my crotch.

Life is good.

Axiom, I haven't laughed that hard in months. We thank you, and we thank everyone else for the kind words.

And as for the Dock Ock costume, here goes: My friend bought a badass, $100 Spider-man costume last week. We are having a house warming party this weekend, and he plans on jumping out in the costume after everyone has had about three drinks or so. Little does he know that as soon as he jumps out, I'm going to stike in the form of Doctor Otto Octavius. I'm using those pool toys called "noodles" for the prosthetic arms. I'm cutting holes in the back of my uniform and attaching them to my back. Then I am going to attach the top ends of them to my hands using clear fishing wire, that way they sort of move with me. It's sounds a little goofy, but I think it just might work.

I hear ya knockin' Xymog.

And I almost forgot to mention what music I had playing: "Evidence" by Faith No More. And she really dug it!

GOD DAMN IT'S GOOD TO BE ME!

The breakup was going to happen anyway, this just kickstarted it even more. You see, in high school, I was the 210 pound defensive lineman who loved to play football. She was the 125 pound danceline chick who stood beside me after the games. We were the seminal couple, and everyone knew it.

Then she gained sixty pounds, and I gained eight.

So much for balance, eh?

I swear on all that is holy, if I can talk her into it, there WILL be pictures.

No, no Blazer, if I get some IN THE DOC OCK COSTUME. That's too bizzare to pass up. I'll at least take pictures BEFORE the deed is done. Now if I can only get her to dye her hair red and call me Tiger...

A little update:

Me and my woman are still together, and life is still wonderful. All is well.

Now, as for the Spider-Man vs. Doc Ock fiasco: The aformentioned party began at 9:00 or so. My little band played, and everyone had a blast. Around 11:30 or so, after most of the people there were fairly loaded, my friend suits up in the Spidey gear and prepares to make his entrance outside. My girl comes and gets me and we head to THE ROOF. You see, I hid my Doc Ock suit behind the chimney earlier that night. So we climb up there, and she helps me get ready. It took about ten minutes to get the goddamn thing on, and then I managed to drop the goggles onto the deck, but luckily there was someone there to throw them back up. So, out comes Spidey. My friend is about six feet tall, and is built like a swimmer, so the suit fits him well, and he truly looks the part. He even had a "silly string" web shooter on his right hand. Everyone laughed and watched as he swung around on the jungle gym and shot his webs and whatnot. As he made his way back onto the deck, I stuck my head around the corner of the chimney and SCREAMED "IS YOUR SPIDER SENSE TINGLING NOW BITCH?!?!"

Then I jumped off the roof onto the deck (about seven feet) and stood there in front of him in all my amazing glory. My black goggles glistening, my silver tentacles outstreched toward him, and a sadistic grin on my face. He was completely dumbfounded. "Prepare to die, wallcrawler!" was all it took to make him run like hell. I chased him down and when I finally caught him, I realized that we were standing next to a TRAMPOLINE. He was scared shitless because I've pulled shit like this before and it usually results in a semi-beating for him. We brawled like hell. Everyone watched as my one of my tendrils was ripped out of my back and thrown to the crowd, and when I snatched the web shooter off and turned it on him. They cheered, they laughed, and they loved it. When the smoke cleared and the collision was over, everyone went back to drinking and partying as usual. Spidey went back inside and took a shower, and I went to the bedroom to change. My costume was in suprisingly good shape considering what it had just been through. My goggles were still on, and there were no rips or tears, but I was missing a tentacle. Aside from that, I was still in full on Otto mode. I planned on changing back into my jeans and t-shirt and going to mingle with the guests and revel in the fact that I was the center of attention because of my vocal stylings with the band and my alter-ego showing his ass. I walked into the bedroom...

And my girlfriend was in there waiting on me.

[This message has been edited by TheOutlawTorn (edited 03-25-2001).]

The next time I pull any shit like this, I'm gonna post pictures.

By the way, not the sex part, the fighting.

A Mellencamp reference?! That's low creetch, really, low.

But honestly, thanks for keeping this thread alive for so long, you have all made me a happy, happy boy. Perhaps one day it will reach the infamous "naughty number"....

DJ Dylan posted a topic about his shitty prom night experience with his woman over in culture, so I figured I'd give you people and update on my lovelife.

So anywho, remember my chick? The hot little blonde that helped me make that sweet ass Doc Ock costume? The one that reeeeeally liked to have sex? Right, that's the one. Well, THAT SHIT IS OVER.

Why, you ask?

Well, lets see: I am a college student, as are most of my friends, so every year, we do the annual spring break thing, and we all go to Panama City, FL for about 4 days of decadence, debauchary, and utter stupidity. This year, my girlfriend Tiffany went down four days before I did. All was well. She called me the first day, and I insisted that if she didnt want to take time away from her spring break AND run up her cell phone bill, that she didnt have to call. I would be down there in a few days anyway. She agreed.

So, I pack my shit up and me and my three buds head down there. We had a blast on the drive down because our driver's sound system (which is bad ass) needed a fuse that we didnt have. So, no music for three hours. Instead, we all just sang the hell out of our favorite songs. Fun as hell. Especially "I Wanna Rock" by Twisted Sister (yes, I know we ripped off Road Trip, but goddammit it was still fun).

Well, we get there, and me and Tiffany meet up and it's all good. We hung out and partied and all that shit. She ended up calling it a night around 12:00, which was about the time we were all planning on hitting the strip. Oh well, her loss. The next day, me and my friends all hung around the hotel and on the beach and stuff, when my best frineds girlfriend walks up and says: "Were you and Tiff planning on hanging out together tonight?" I told her not really, and asked why. "Oh, dont worry about it right now, we'll talk about this later on." I kindly said "No, we'll talk about this right now."

That's when the shit hit the fan.

Turns out that the first night Tiffany was down there, she had some drinks. Actually a lot of drinks. At a bar. With her friends. And some guys. To make a long story short, she ended up having great sex with someone OTHER THAN ME.

I wasn't flabbergasted, I wasn't shocked, I wasnt anything. An amazing wave of absolute indifference poured over me. Even when I found out that she spent a few days crying about it and feeling like shit, I felt nothing.

A few more questions were asked, and I confirmed with another girl that this deed actually did take place. That's when the revenge wheel started to turn...

Also, just to make note of it, I was slightly hurt (although not initially). I still am. What she did was wrong and betraying on so many levels. To be honest, a part of me always knew that me and her wouldn't last more than a few months. We were too different. If there's anything I have learned, it's that no matter what the situation, goddammit, I am going to be myself. I was myself around her, and it didnt work out. Fuck it, shit happens. Oh well, back to the story.

So anyway, that night, we (about 25 of my friends, her friends, and a few other people) all went to a big party at this guy's beach house. There were about 120 people there. She was all hugged up on me, as usual, and I let her think that I didnt know. I figured that if she would have told me what she did, we would have broken up nice and smoothly, with a minimum amount of violence. But after all, she didnt tell me, now did she? she let her friend, no, acquaintence, tell me. Hmmm...

So right around 12:30, when the party is at it's peak, I walk out on the balcony in front of everyone there.

WITH A MEGAPHONE COURTESY OF THE PANAMA CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT.

I got everyone's attention, and then simply proceded to tell them that if anyone was looking for a date for tommmorrow night, that I would gladly oblige, because as of tonight, I am no longer dating the "Weak-willed fucktool of girlfriend standing to my left in the orange tube top." I then proceeded to tell everyone, including my friends, her friends, and a shitload of complete strangers, EXACTLY what she did.

She was gone before I finished.

For the rest of the night, I was revered like a GOD. By the way, I have only spoken to Tiffany twice since this little event. The first time was her calling me telling me that I was a "piece of shit" and that I will "burn in hell". The second call was her calling me telling me that she was "so sorry" and that she "messed up the best thing she ever had". In true Funaki style, my repsponse was "INDEEEEEEED."

So as you can see kids, breakups, although heartwrenching and painful, can be nothing short of a goddamn balst when properly applied.

Stay tuned, and I'll tell you about this new chick I'm dating. She is the one. How do I know this, you ask? SHE KNEW THE WORDS TO "Midlife Crisis" BY FAITH NO MORE. Everything's gonna be alright...

[This message has been edited by TheOutlawTorn (edited 05-02-2001).]

Indeed they are Deej, especially when they belonged to a cop.

And devilf, I understand what you are saying. Believe me, I thought that entire aspect of it out in my mind. Like I said, the relationship would have been doomed eventually. It probably would have been different if I had some kind of inkling that she could do something like that. Plus, I saw a side of her at the beach that I HATED. She turned into a trendy, shallow, self-centered slut. I can't deal with shit like that anyway, and the whole cheating thing was the icing on the cake. No matter what the situation is, if someone's other half manages to let themself go so much that they go and sleep with someone else, then they deserve nothing less than what she got. It's different for everyone: I had friends that thought what I did was stupid and meaningless, and that I should have forgiven her, given the situation, and then I had friends who thought what I did wasnt enough. I think that the desicion that I made was the right one.

Thanks for the kind words, friends, and remember what Mr. Mustaine says:

"Take no prisoners......TAKE NO SHIT."

And you know what's so awesome: Me and this new chick went to thrift stores today with my best friend buying clothes for what will be an AWESOME story.

You see, my other friend turns twenty-one this June. We are getting a cake that says "Happy Birthday, FUCKER." (In elegant calligraphy, of course/ by the way, that was taken from a FNM song) Anywho, we decided that since my friend is tall and skinny and I'm tall and burly with a permanent five o'clock shadow (but I'm still a sexy beast, really) that we are going to show up at his birthday party dressend and acting EXACTLY LIKE RAOUL DUKE AND DR. GONZO. This is going to be the end all-be all best party I have ever been to (another FNM reference).

Details as they come...

Jesus Creeping Shit, this just keeps getting better and better...

Today I was at the mall with my friend and his girlfriend, and this new chick I have been dating. So, we are walking around, and we just happen to run into my lovely little ex and her friend (Who I hate more than her). She proceeds to walk up, say hello, tell me that I'm still and asshole, and then tell my friends' girlfriend that if she kept on spreading rumours that she would "beat her ass".

A little background: My current chick was a close friend of mine when I was a freshmen in high school. Her sophmore year, she left for Germany as an exchange student. She ended up staying for two years, and when she came back, she was a year ahead of me schoolwise, so we never really saw each other again. But I recently found out that she and I are at the same college, and I get her number through said friends girlfriend (turns out that they are good friends as well). Anyway, we talk and whatnot, and then the whole romance thing begins. The beauty of this is that if we fizzle out as a couple, we will almost definetly remain friends. I know it sounds silly and blind, but if you knew the entire situation, you would understand.

Anyway: The topic of my ex comes up and I tell the new chick the entire story. She thought the megaphone bit was "vintage Adam". So here we are at the mall, and then the ex walks up and says all that.

Before anyone could get out a response, new chick pipes up with one of the most beautiful statements I have ever heard in my life: "You'll beat her ass? What is this middle school? Listen, I know your story, and I may not know you, but it's easy to see that your a slutty little nothing. Your a damn t-shirt for cryin' out loud! All this crap goes down and you come up and say this to all of us? You (this is my favorite part) PSYCHOTIC NUTSHIT! Go away!"

OH. MY. GOD.

I turn to ex, smile polietly, then turn to new chick, put my arms around her and give her the most overdramatic kiss in human history. I then look at ex and her frined and say: "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have important things to do. Take care now."

We all then got into my friends car and turned up his copy of "King For A Day" by Faith No More.

All is well.