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Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
10. Noisy doors.
You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40


9. The Federation.
This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.


8. Reversing the Polarity.
For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.


7. Seatbelts.
Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"


6. No fuses.
Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.


5. Rule by committee.
Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

Star Trek:

Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look
pensive."

Firefly:

Captain: "Let's shoot them."
Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"


4. A Star Trek quiz:
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?


3. Technobabble.
The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.


2. The Holodeck.
I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.


1. The Prime Directive.
How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom
post #2 of 25
The worst use of the holodeck that I can remmember was on Voyager when Tom Paris created a 19th century Irish village complete with an overweight drunk guy who said "ahh Ta be shure" every time someone said something to him.there must have been at least six episodes in one season that took place inside that holodeck program ,what a crock of shit.
If I had acsess to a holodeck I'd be gettin me some hot porno lovin.
post #3 of 25
The worst use of the holodeck that I can remmember was on Voyager when Tom Paris created a 19th century Irish village complete with an overweight drunk guy who said "ahh Ta be shure" every time someone said something to him.there must have been at least six episodes in one season that took place inside that holodeck program ,what a crock of shit.
If I had acsess to a holodeck I'd be gettin me some hot porno lovin.
post #4 of 25
1. Klingons have Pepto Bismol (or Peptic Bismuth, if you prefer) for blood.

2. "UUUUUH!! Human play damjat!"
post #5 of 25
What about inconsistencies with the Klingon? One minute it's pink blood and the next, it's red. One show they look like normal humans and the next show it looks like they got skull fucked by evolution.

Another thing with the holodeck: ooohh, let's have another episode where the holograms come to life and either a) Trap everyone inside, b) trap and do their best to kill everyone inside, or c)Moriarity escapes and is a threat to everyone on board. This was parodied to great effect in an episode of Futurama.
post #6 of 25
1-10. Any show that tries to shove a new moral value down my craw every week can lick my ballsack.
post #7 of 25
Quote:
Ludwig HAS SO MANY FREAKIN' PASSES
<list snipped>
<wipes eyes> That was freaking brilliant. Thank you.
post #8 of 25
The thing that really bothered me about the holodeck on Voyager was that they were using it at all. Here they are 50 light years from known space, no sure way of being able to resupply, but let's let the Captain live out her little Harlequin Romance fantasies whenever she wants.
post #9 of 25
I hate the fact that some fans actually think that Kirk is better than Picard.
post #10 of 25
I hate Deanna Troi's completely useless and vague "empathy". Here's a typical TNG bridge exchange via viewscreen communicator.

Rabid Horned Grznakian warlord: "PICARD! WE WILL CRUSH YOUR PUNY SHIP. WE WILL DISMEMBER YOUR CREW AND BATHE IN THEIR BLOOD. WE WILL SKIN YOU AND MAKE BOoTS FROM YOUR FLESH WITH WHICH WE WILL MARCH OVER YOUR BONES ON OUR ROAD TO CONQUEST..."

Counselor troi: "captain...I'm sensing a great amount of hostility from the Grznakian commander..."
post #11 of 25
Next Generation was definitely the victim of 80's New Age "let's visit a shrink and then put crystals on our bodies and everything will be alright" pap.

Also, it always irked me that apart from the Federation (creepy, indeed), every other major power is either evil or suffering from stupid, borderline racist, flaws (Klingons are blinded by their love of violence, Ferengi are greedy, etc).
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
Roddenbery had said in old interviews that all of the alien races were meant to take one aspect of the human experience and magnify it to near-ridiculous extremes. Hence, Klingons = Mongols = VIOLENT, Vulcans = LOGIC, etc. Weird guy, that Roddenbery.

My favourite thing to hate about Star Trek was always the Borg, and how, when things got dull in a particular show, they would constantly be brought back into the story line. They make one kind of cool villian race, then use it in what, 234 episodes? It reminds me of Mr. Burns talking to Smithers about the German nuclear power plant buyers. "Ohhh the Borg are angry with me! Smithers, help me, the Borg are going to get me! OOOO, not the Borg!"

[edited for spelling]
post #13 of 25
I hate the fact that some fans actually think Picard is better than Kirk.
post #14 of 25
Quote:
Commander of the Aphex Legions:
I hate the fact that some fans actually think Picard is better than Kirk.
A troo fan would never think that.

Oh and upon reading the original list I think I ruptured something...thanks.
post #15 of 25
Quote:
Richard 'Poxy' Dickson:
The thing that really bothered me about the holodeck on Voyager was that they were using it at all. Here they are 50 light years from known space, no sure way of being able to resupply, but let's let the Captain live out her little Harlequin Romance fantasies whenever she wants.
Trapped on an ugly starship for years on end with the only attractive woman in light years being Kes, who is both an alien and unavailable, I'd certainly spend all the time I could in the holodeck.
post #16 of 25
One thing that used to always make me and my brothers laugh in the original series was the incredibly over-acted fight scenes. In fact, we used to play "Star Trek Fights" as kids which involves me making this huge punching gesture towards one of them, gently tapping him with it, and then he does wild-backpedaling as he mimes flying through the air, knocking over a whole load of furniture for extra points. And vice versa.

Incidentally, my mum hated it when we played Star Trek Fights.

Later, I grew annoyed with NG as every episode involved either Data or the Computer getting took over by some virus/force/alien thingy. That was naturally invisible. Great way to avoid having to build any sets or anything.

And Deanna Troi's special talent for empathy is completely and utterly useless, I agree.
post #17 of 25
Quote:
Fett:
Trapped on an ugly starship for years on end with the only attractive woman in light years being Kes, who is both an alien and unavailable, I'd certainly spend all the time I could in the holodeck.
I always thought Voyager was a good look for a new vessel. It was like an F-16 to the Enterprise's F-15; new sleeker design, but not nearly as capable. Now, what they did with the show, that was ugly.
post #18 of 25
One of the things I used to hate about TNG was that, whenever they wanted to show that some alien was a total bad ass, they'd have them beat the crap out of Worf. The idea was supposed to be, "Whoa! Worf is one tough dude and this guy took him down!" Problem was they did it so often that after a while it got to be, "Oh gee, what a shock, Worf got his ass kicked."
post #19 of 25
The fact that Federation officers always looked like impotent girly-men when fire their tiny phasers. They always looked like they were just standing there waiting for the laser to be dropped in during post-production.

I now hate that the show has become a pandering T&A wank-fest.
post #20 of 25
Some years ago, it dawned to me that every woman in Trek had big boobs. It would be very hard to convince me that this was not a casting factor.
post #21 of 25
Quote:
BobClark:
I now hate that the show has become a pandering T&A wank-fest.
And let's not even get into how modesty is an emotion so a Vulcan wouldn't feel it, so the only reason Blalock had her hands over her breasts in that now-famous clip from the season premiere was because they couldn't get away with showing the whole coconut but still wanted to give the last few straggling fans of this show something to burn a few tubes of KY over.
post #22 of 25
Speaking of T'Nipple, why would a Vulcan get a piss poor Breast job? What logical reason for those pesky implants?
post #23 of 25
The thing I hated most about all versions of Star Trek was “The Five Minute Fix”. No matter how bad the invisible virus ridden invincible ambassador is for the first 55 minutes everything would be solved in the last five minutes. Everytime, Sheeeze!
post #24 of 25
Dickson - I haven't watched any Enterpise since the opening show, but I have seen a .jpg of T-pol's big hand covering moment, if you saw the show - or any of you - did they give some reason why T-pol covered her chest? What would a Vulcan be ashamed of his or her body? It is... yuh, know... illogical...
post #25 of 25
Only thing I could think of was that she wanted to avoid arousing the big stupid emotional human.
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