Jesus: With a Vengeance

He dies, and is resurrected, after which he hunts down Pontius Pilate. While Pilate eats his dinner, Jesus busts in.

Pilate: "You! But you're dead!"
Jesus: "I am back. And I picked up a few gifts from papa..."

He pulls out an M60 and completely wrecks the place.

Jesus: "An eye for an eye... bitch!"

Begin guitar music.

Oh I'm so going to hell.

Bill Hicks!!!

Jesus is back....AND HE'S PISSED OFF.

JESUS H. A man on a mission.

"This is my body.....and this is your blood!!!!"

Niiice.

Starring Vin Diesel as "JC," Denise Richards as Mary Magdalene, Ving Rhames as Pilate, the Rock as Judas, with a special appearance by Charlton Heston as God.

A Jerry Bruckheimer production.
Directed by Michael Bay.

Soundtrack by Creed.

This Summer, It Would be a Sin to Miss...

Jesus Christ Pose

I think you have the wrong Jerry.

A Jerry Falwell production

He has to kill everyone with John Woo-style twin nailguns. Oh, the irony!

I smell a new Crow movie in the works here...

At a CHUD Coffee Meeting a while back, we discussed the need for a Bible-influenced PC game, done in the FPS style of Quake III.

Nah. He's a purist. Bring in the new blood.

Some other ideas:

The Oliver Stone take:
An investigation is launched into the crucifixion and the conspiracy surrounding it. After an extended peyote trip and gratuitous shots of rattlesnakes, the investigation leads straight to the Holy Hat Trick, itself.

The David Fincher take:
It turns out Jesus is, in fact, Pilate, and has condemned himself. Unlike most biblical epics, all scenes will occur at night.

The David Cronenberg take:
JC becomes enamored of the cross and physically "merges" with it in a thinly-veiled sexual metaphor, then JesusCross proceeds to rampage across Jerusalem spreading the word of God in a typically venereal fashion.

The Urotsukidoji take:
Pretty much the same, but the cross, itself, is a giant penis right off the bat. So is Jesus. So are the apostles. And Mary Magdalene is a Japanese schoolgirl.

Genius.

A while back someone posted "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter"

Its tagline was
The First Testament Says "An Eye For An Eye"
The Second Testament Says "Love Thy Neighbour"
The Third Testament...KICKS ASS!!!

Good point.
Fixed.

there was a Jesus short film on one of the few Total Film dvds....called The Second Comeback- where they try to market Jesus to kids...got the Cruciflex, the Air Jesus, Jeez-O's, even a rap song theme-

Say Jesus, don't you hear me motherfucker
Say Jesus, he's a savior like no other
Say Jesus, he's a man with a plan
Rocking all the bitches down in Bethlaham

this isn't a joke.

definitely worth searching for.

Why do a Jesus movie when you can just adapt BATTLE POPE?

I can imagine the sequel: "J.C. - the Second Coming"

"This Summer Our Saviour will be battling the forces of evil!"

In a dystopian near-future the reborn Judas Iscariot is busy taking over the world.
Only one man can stop him: The mysterious stranger known only as "J.C."
Using his two battle-axe crosses, reinforced robe and spiked sandals, he is ready to deal out some old-testament justice with a new-testament flair.
Wide shot of Judas Iscariot in his throne room, enraged: "Who is this man you speak of?!!"
Quick zoom in on J.C., striking a pose, crosses held high.
Succession of quick cuts of battle sequences, scissor kicks and explosions. Rob Zombies latest plays in the background. Suddenly, silence.
Good Looking Female Lead: "Who... who are you?" Camera moves, picture fades out into blue.
J.C. smiles and does a backwards somersault. "Gods final message."
More furious quick-cuts and heavy music, ending with a loud THUNN- sound, as of a huge metal door closing. Screen goes black.

"J.C. - The Second Coming"

Fade out.

"This Summer"

Fade out.

"You will be converted."

END OF BLASPHEMY

Brilliant. Gentlemen, I believe we've found our pitch. Get Dreamworks on the phone.

"When you absolutely, positively have to SAVE every muthafucka in the room, accept no substitutes!!"

"Jesus: The Greatest Action Story Ever Told"

Tag line would read: "Hell Save Your Soul & Your Ass." Summer 03.

Y'know, Verhoeven has had a hankerin' for a JESUS flick for a while now, and I think you guys just cobbled him together a winner.

Another tagline possibility: Jesus Wrecked.

If this ever gets greenlit, there's no reason not to make Nuns With Guns.

I suddenly want to make this movie.

Read and weep, boys, read and weep:
<a href="http://www.n-lightning.com/catechumen.htm" target="_blank">http://www.n-lightning.com/catechumen.htm</a>
<img src="http://www.n-lightning.com/images/ss01.jpg" alt="" />

Mark McKinney and Bruce McCullough in JESUS 2000.

Anyone else see the Kids in the Hall reunion tour?

Alternatively, I have come up with these one-liners:

"The meek shall inherit the Earth, but thou shall inherit a beatdown!"

"Turn the other cheek...so I can fuck up the other side!!"

"It is accomplished...BITCH."

"Judas!!! I'll see you in HELL!!!" (delivered as an homage to John Whorfin)

"Enjoying your meal? Cause that's your LAST SUPPER, honky!"

"Can a savior get a table dance?"

Yup, Chavez and I both saw it, and that sketch was excellent. Don't think it consciously triggered this particular conversation, though. We're just blasphemers at heart.

Those are excellent.

Here's another:

"You tell 'em I'm coming! And Hell's coming with me!" [Tombstone, I know, but hey, what is Jesus: With A Vengance but an action movie/western?]

Jesus Christ, there's a lot of creativity in this thread! Great job everyone, particularly to DaveB and his different directed versions. I love the Urotsukidoji take.

Let me join this blasphemy.....

The Pre-Matrix

Magdalene is being chased by the 3 Magi.
She finds a slate tablet near a cave and begins to read it.
Before the lead magi’s camel pummels Magdalene, she is sucked into the slate tablet.
Begin credits.
Jesus Christ wakes up in his parent’s home.
He looks on the sandy floor and sees an engraved marking.
“Follow the Lamb”
The wind then blows away that marking.
Jesus is walking down Jerusalem when he sees a lamb.
He follows it and when he reaches a dead end, 3 darkly-robed men attempts to grab Jesus.
The lamb says something foreign.
Jesus suddenly fights in kung-fu, beating up the 3 men.
The lamb tells Jesus to follow it.
For 40 days and 40 nights, Jesus and the lamb appear to be lost in the middle of a hot desert.
Jesus wants to give up then the lamb points to 2 tablets on the ground.
Jesus reads it and suddenly the desert turns into twentieth-century locations.
“What the hell is this?” asks Jesus.
“It’s the Truth. Take this Host and eat it and you shall know Truth. If you do not choose to learn of the Truth, you must eat this apple.”
Jesus reluctantly eats the Host.

Well, you guys get the drift..... wink

GOD: Son, what do you want...I'll give you anything...anything...TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.

Jesus cocks his pistol.

JESUS: To rest.

Jesus blows the almighty away, sits down on the throne of Heaven, rests.

Ok, bit of a lebowski rip off, but here goes. This is set after just after the crucifiction

Pilate-Fucking Jesus, creep could turn water to wine.
Judas-Yeah but he was a virgin.
Pilate-Yeah.
Judas-No I mean it, its on record. He was surrounded by prostitutes and he didnt even hit that shit.
Pilate-Ahh...
The door is kicked open and in walks Jesus, backed by his remaining disciples.
Pilate,Judas-JESUS?
Jesus-I see you thought you killed me.Deos mio, man. Me and my disciples, were gunna fuck you up.
Pilate-Well, thats just like your opinion man.
Jesus looks at Judas and his bag of coins.
Jesus-Let me tell you something, you backstabbing bitch, you pull any of your shit with us, go around flashing your silver coins, I'll snatch the fuckin bag away from you, stick it up your ass and shake the bag until the coins go fucking clink.
Pilate-Jesus....
Jesus-You said it man, nobody fucks with the Jesus.
He begins to walk out.
Judas-(quietly to pilate)hookers man.
Jesus turns around.
Jesus-Fuck this
He reaches into his robe and pulls out a crucifix shaped sword.
Jesus-And on the third day he kicked your ass.

Since Chavez hasn't been eaten by locusts already, I think he's pretty much in the clear.

I keep trying to convince him we should really write this thing. All we really should need are a bible with the "good parts" highlighted and a case or two of beer.

Actually, we live in Milwaukee, and he happens to work for a beer distributor. We could probably go four or five.

Although maybe beer's classier cousin should be involved... I have this image of Jesus turning an entire in-ground swimming pool of water into wine to satisfy legions of thirsty followers and... bikini-clad sorority babes!!!

<a href="http://www.newsaskew.com/images/affleckfhm.jpg" target="_blank">http://www.newsaskew.com/images/affleckfhm.jpg</a>

Hieronymus

"This time, he's not so forgiving."

What pisses me off about this the most is that I just thought up the idea of incorporating Noah and Moses into a Jesus movie in the last couple weeks, and someone STILL beat me to it.

Still, that's just a poster. Affleck will beg to be in our movie once the script is done. But I will not let that happen.

This theme would go great with the video for the hip hop soundtrack, Jay Z & J.C. baby.

I think everyone in this thread just reserved their seat in hell.

Hey what about a "Not Another Teen Movie" style gross out comedy about Noah's Arc?

Natalie Portman has to be in it. Somewhere.

It's real:

<img src="http://www.odessafilmworks.com/images/popups/jcvh_lg.jpg" alt="" />

<a href="http://www.odessafilmworks.com/jcvh/index.html" target="_blank">Official Site for "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"</a>

<a href="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/jesusvamp/" target="_blank">Badmovies.org "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" Review</a>

Those wacky Canadians!

Yeah, but those guys were thinking small.

This thing will be big! Huge, I tell you!

Plus, Vampires have no place in a biblical film about Jesus. That's why ours will only be populated by true heroes in Testaments Part I and II, like Noah, Adam and Eve, Moses, and Beowulf.

FADE IN:

EXT. TEMPLE-DAY

"Carmina Burana" plays in the background. A robed figure walks up the steps.

CUT TO:

INT. TEMPLE-DAY

We see the money lenders doing their thing.

The robed figure walks inside. Two men go up to him.

He throws them across the room and they fall into two nearby tables with a CRASH.

The lead money lender stands.

LENDER: Who are you?

The robed figure throws back his robe, revealing JESUS.

JESUS: I am the one who is called I am...

The money lender's face registers shock.

JESUS: And you are...

CUT TO:

EXT. TEMPLE-DAY

The temple explodes in a flash of light.

CUT TO:

WRECKAGE

Jesus walks out of a wall of flame, looking bad-ass.

NARRATOR: Vin Diesel is...Jesus Christ.

Jesus heads up towards the frame and looks right at the audience.

JESUS: Blessed are you.

He walks away.

Cut to credit titles.

Jesus Christ: With A Vengance

NARRATOR: Coming to save your soul this summer.

FADE OUT

That's how I would do the teaser, anyway. I combined others ideas, I hope you don't mind.

Sometimes I regret finding CHUD so late in life.

I missed out on so much goodness.

The spin-off game:

<img src="http://www.angelfire.com/realm3/panzer-elite/HALO_Holy_Combat.jpg" alt="" />

What about the unholy Jesus Christ Chronic box set of "Good Friday the 13th : Jesus goes to hell" ?

It awakens.