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Remakes That Should NEVER Happen

post #1 of 18
2/28/03 at 9:23am
Thread Starter 
From the Rob Schneider thread. I dare you to come up with a more terrfying remake than:

"Thief"-Directed by Michael Bay, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, starring Josh Hartnett as James Caan, Liv Tyler as Tuesday Weld, Rob Schneider as Jim Belushi, Michael Clark Duncan as the mobster, and Tom Sizemore as Willie Nelson.

"The Maltese Falcon"-Directed by Brett Ratner, starring Edward Norton as Sam Spade, Chris Tucker as Peter Lorre, Anthony Hopkins as Sydney Greenstreet, Lara Flynn Boyle as the chick, and Ralph Fiennes as "The Falcon." Updated into a modern day serial killer thriller.
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post #2 of 18
2/28/03 at 10:26am
Most of my ideas for remakes are actually good.

Extreme, but good. Hence, I'm not postin' them.

But think about this in the meantime.

Barb-Wire is a remake of Casablanca...
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post #3 of 18
3/16/03 at 10:32am
Harvey, starring John Travolta.

Hey!
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post #4 of 18
4/21/03 at 11:18pm
the 10 comandments: Staring Jackie Chan

Dr Strange Love: Staring Sean Conery
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post #5 of 18
4/29/03 at 2:24am
Street Fighter - with Jet Li as Ryu and Colin Ferrell as Guile

Run Lola Run - with that blonde chick from Save the Last Dance as Lola an Colin Ferrell as the boyfriend

Metropolis - With the main lead being played by Colin Ferrell and Amanda Peet as that girl who gets a robot duplicate of herself

Smoke Signals - with Colin Ferrell as the Sheriff

Notice a pattern?
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post #6 of 18
4/29/03 at 3:22pm
"The Bad Lieutenant" Starring Nathan Lane, Directed by Penny Marshall
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post #7 of 18
4/30/03 at 3:35am
THAT, Bob, would be the funniest fucking movie. EVER. Nathan Lane jerking off by the side of a car. Come ON.
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post #8 of 18
4/30/03 at 3:40am
"Charly", starring Steven Seagal.

"Dolemite", starring Gallagher.

"Shaft", starring Gary Busey.
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post #9 of 18
4/30/03 at 3:41am
The Road Warrior: A David Lynch film starring Fyvush Finkel, with a masterful score by Dr. Demento.
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post #10 of 18
4/30/03 at 8:57am
Michael Bay's "Battleship", a reimagining of Battleship Potemkin.

"K": Daren Aronofsky remakes Citizen Kane.

Wes Craven presents "Alien". A bunch of hip teen astronauts encounter a space monster. Kevin Williamson writes the script, Matthew Lilard stars as the villainous robot, Ash.
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post #11 of 18
4/30/03 at 1:11pm
I think Bruce Campbell should play Ash. Make it a pop culture commentary.
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post #12 of 18
6/13/03 at 1:27am
Yikes.

Disgracing Doctor Zhivago. Let us never mention this again.
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post #13 of 18
6/13/03 at 3:15pm
Quote:
rise of the mastronikolas:
Wes Craven presents "Alien". A bunch of hip teen astronauts encounter a space monster. Kevin Williamson writes the script, Matthew Lilard stars as the villainous robot, Ash.
You know, as much as I hate to say it lest it reinforce the putting of the idea in someone's head, I'm really surpirsed no one has tried this yet.
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post #14 of 18
6/14/03 at 8:35pm
ROCKY directed by Hype Williams

Rocky "Da Roc" Balboa (Vin Diesel) is the meanest, baddest, hippest underground fighter in New York, who now finds himself in a violent tug of war between his small time promoter/gangster Danny G (Fisher Stevens) and big time boxing promoter Sweet Julius Jones (Sean "P. Diddy" Combs) after a deal turned sour. Does Rocky have what it takes to defeat Sweet Julius' fighter, world champion Apollo Creed (Lennox Lewis), who killed his last opponent in the ring? Can the love of his ghetto fabulous girlfriend Adrian (Jennifer Lopez) see him through? And can his childhood friend and former pitbull trainer Mickey (Ja Rule) teach him to unleash his inner fury to defeat Appollo and save Danny's strip club? He better damn well hope so.

Featuring the Hit Single "Let it Rock!" by Limp Bizkit

"He's Rock-E
Goin 12 rounds
Eye of the tiger, muthafucka,
when he hears the bell sound!

Break-his-fucking-face!
LET IT ROCK!
Put-you-in-your-place!
LET IT ROCK!
Yeah...Rocky 2k4 muthafucka!

You betta hit the meat,
before you get your ass beat!"
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post #15 of 18
6/16/03 at 2:02am
Avril Lavigne's song "Sk8er Boi" lyrics reimagined as an entire movie.

What? They're already making it?!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
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post #16 of 18
6/16/03 at 2:24am
Con Air
A film by Roman Polanski
Starring Jim Carrey as Cameron Poe and Fyvush Finkel as Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom.
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post #17 of 18
6/16/03 at 2:29am
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.

A film by Joel Schumacker.
Based on the screenplay by James Gunn.
Starring:
Phillip Seymor Hoffman as Dr. Caligari
Freddie Prinze Jr as Ceaser.

Not only does this just sound like an abortion on celuliod, but the chances of this happening are pretty good, with Hollywood being corupt as it is.

- Fixxxer
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post #18 of 18
6/17/03 at 11:51pm
Kids
A Roman Polanski film
Starring Paul Reubens, Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson.
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