THERAPY!
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Three contestants stand behind podiums, an empty podium stage left for the host.
CHEEZY GAME SHOW ANNOUNCER: This ... is ... Therapy! Tonight’s contestants, a Tourette’s Syndrome patient, Mitch Johnson! A homemaker with accute paranoia, Clarisse Davis! And our returning champion, a mixture of multiple personalities, Ralph Potter! And now here’s the host of Therapy, Alex Trebek!
Alex trots onstage jauntily.
ALEX: Hello and welcome to Therapy, where we provide the answers and you provide the questions. Tonight we –
RALPH: Uh Alex?
ALEX: Yes Ralph?
RALPH: Uh yeah, about that. I don’t know, maybe you’ve got me confused with someone else, but I’m not Ralph.
ALEX (perturbed): I see.
RALPH: I’m Michael.
ALEX: Fine. Michael. As I was saying, tonight we conclude our week-long Tournament of Outpatients with (looks at Ralph) Michael? (Ralph nods) having defeated all challengers. So let’s meet the contestants who’ll try to dethrone him tonight! Hi there Mitch.
MITCH: Hello son of a bitch!
ALEX: Tell us, Mitch, what do you do?
MITCH: I’m sort of between jobs right now asshole.
ALEX: And for those who may not know, what exactly is Tourette’s sydrome?
MITCH: Well, my particular form of Tourette’s involves the involuntary muttering of profanity dumbass.
ALEX: Great to have you! Next to you is Clarisse. How are you today?
CLARISSE (nervous): Why is everybody looking at me?!?
ALEX: Well, on with the show. Let’s see our categories. We have Freud ... Starts With An X ... Geography ... People Who Aren’t Really There ... Films of Sally Field ... and finally, God Only Knows. Michael, your our champion, we’ll start with you. (Ralph does nothing) Michael. (Still nothing) Michael!
RALPH: Are you talking to me?
ALEX: Yes.
RALPH: Then why are you calling me Michael?
ALEX: Sorry, Ralph then.
RALPH: Who’s Ralph? I’m Kevin.
ALEX: Okay. Kevin then, choose a category.
RALPH: I’ll take People Who Aren’t Really There for a hundred.
ALEX: If you’re good, she’ll leave a quarter under your pillow. (Clarisse buzzes) Clarisse?
CLARISSE: What? What?!?
ALEX: You buzzed in.
CLARISSE: Oh god….
ALEX: Do you—
CLARISSE: I knew this would happen. How can I concentrate with all these people looking at me?
ALEX: I need a question Clarisse.
CLARISSE: Why are you yelling at me? You hate me, don’t you?
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: Why do you hate me? What did I do that was so terrible?
ALEX: Ralph or Mitch, do you have a response? (Ralph buzzes) Ralph?
RALPH: Kevin.
ALEX: Kevin.
RALPH: Who is your mother?
ALEX: No. Sorry. Mitch?
MITCH: Who is the Tooth Fairy blowjob?
ALEX: Um, that’s a little more than we were looking for .... Judges? Yes, they’ll accept the blowjob, and that’s one hundred for you Mitch!
MITCH: Let’s try Films of Sally Field for a hundred pussy.
ALEX: In this film -- (Ralph buzzes in immediately)
RALPH: What is Sybil?
ALEX: No Kevin.
RALPH: Ralph.
ALEX: Good to have you back. Mitch, Clarisse, in this film she plays a soap queen. (Clarisse buzzes) Clarisse?
CLARISSE: What?!?
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: You followed me here, didn’t you?
ALEX: Mitch?
MITCH: What is Soapdish dickweed.
ALEX: Correct.
MITCH: I’ll take Sally Field for two hundred cumshot.
ALEX: In this film she fought for the union – textile, that is. Kev -- Ralph.
RALPH: What is Sybil?
ALEX: No. Mitch?
MITCH: What is Norma Rae diesel dyke.
ALEX: Correct.
MITCH: Sally Field for three hundred shithead.
ALEX: This film features Sally as a woman with multiple personalities. (The contestants stare dumbly) Multiple personalities ... more than one ... lots of different people.... (The contestants shrug blankly) Anybody.... No? Well, that was Sybil. Okay Ralph?
RALPH: Benji.
ALEX: Whatever. Mitch, you still have control.
MITCH: People Who Aren’t Really There for five hundred please.
Everyone looks at Mitch expectantly. He looks back, confused. Alex shrugs and starts to speak.
MITCH: Fucker.
ALEX (rolling his eyes): He was the rabbit that only Jimmy Stewart could see. (Clarisse tries to buzz in but her buzzer doesn't seem to work. Ralph buzzes in) Ralph?
RALPH: Who is Sybil?
ALEX: No! Sally Field’s not even in the damn movie!
CLARISSE: Alex, somebody broke my buzzer! Who was it? It was somebody in here, I know it was! It was working fine just a minute ago!
ALEX: We know Clarisse.
CLARISSE: Oh, so you were just ignoring me, huh? What, have I disappeared? Or do you just hate me? That’s what it is, you all hate me!
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: WHO TOLD YOU MY NAME? You’re spying on me, aren’t you? You know things about me… You’re him! The man I see in the shower, the one with the electric x-ray eyeglasses! It’s you! It’s you! (Clarisse breaks down into a sobbing heap)
ALEX (after a beat): Mitch, you still have control of the board.
MITCH: God Only Knows for one hundred you ugly cunt.
At this point Ralph becomes convinced he is Alex, and begins saying everything Alex says, but just a second or two behind.
ALEX: The cube root of twelve million, two hundred thirty seven thousand, six hundred and fifty two. Do you have – Ralph, stop – look, you can’t – Ralph! Stop it!!! (Mitch buzzes in) Mitch – will you knock it off?
MITCH: What is goddamnshitpissfellatiovaginanaughtybits.
ALEX AND RALPH: No – stop it you (Ralph stops) little bastard!
RALPH (hurt): Hey! Who do you think you are?
ALEX: Who do I think I am? The same person I was five minutes ago, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you!
MITCH: You know, you really shouldn’t talk to people like that asswipe.
ALEX: And you, you walking thesaurus of obscenity! You ever say a sentence that doesn’t end with a part of the body? (Gesturing to Clarisse) We’re just damn lucky our little Miss Pillar of Strength is with us to see us through these tough times! Do you know who I am? I’ve paid my dues! I used to host High Rollers, for god’s sake! Now I’m the goddamn host of Jeopardy!! Don’t you know who I am??
RALPH (buzzing in): Who is Sybil?
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Three contestants stand behind podiums, an empty podium stage left for the host.
CHEEZY GAME SHOW ANNOUNCER: This ... is ... Therapy! Tonight’s contestants, a Tourette’s Syndrome patient, Mitch Johnson! A homemaker with accute paranoia, Clarisse Davis! And our returning champion, a mixture of multiple personalities, Ralph Potter! And now here’s the host of Therapy, Alex Trebek!
Alex trots onstage jauntily.
ALEX: Hello and welcome to Therapy, where we provide the answers and you provide the questions. Tonight we –
RALPH: Uh Alex?
ALEX: Yes Ralph?
RALPH: Uh yeah, about that. I don’t know, maybe you’ve got me confused with someone else, but I’m not Ralph.
ALEX (perturbed): I see.
RALPH: I’m Michael.
ALEX: Fine. Michael. As I was saying, tonight we conclude our week-long Tournament of Outpatients with (looks at Ralph) Michael? (Ralph nods) having defeated all challengers. So let’s meet the contestants who’ll try to dethrone him tonight! Hi there Mitch.
MITCH: Hello son of a bitch!
ALEX: Tell us, Mitch, what do you do?
MITCH: I’m sort of between jobs right now asshole.
ALEX: And for those who may not know, what exactly is Tourette’s sydrome?
MITCH: Well, my particular form of Tourette’s involves the involuntary muttering of profanity dumbass.
ALEX: Great to have you! Next to you is Clarisse. How are you today?
CLARISSE (nervous): Why is everybody looking at me?!?
ALEX: Well, on with the show. Let’s see our categories. We have Freud ... Starts With An X ... Geography ... People Who Aren’t Really There ... Films of Sally Field ... and finally, God Only Knows. Michael, your our champion, we’ll start with you. (Ralph does nothing) Michael. (Still nothing) Michael!
RALPH: Are you talking to me?
ALEX: Yes.
RALPH: Then why are you calling me Michael?
ALEX: Sorry, Ralph then.
RALPH: Who’s Ralph? I’m Kevin.
ALEX: Okay. Kevin then, choose a category.
RALPH: I’ll take People Who Aren’t Really There for a hundred.
ALEX: If you’re good, she’ll leave a quarter under your pillow. (Clarisse buzzes) Clarisse?
CLARISSE: What? What?!?
ALEX: You buzzed in.
CLARISSE: Oh god….
ALEX: Do you—
CLARISSE: I knew this would happen. How can I concentrate with all these people looking at me?
ALEX: I need a question Clarisse.
CLARISSE: Why are you yelling at me? You hate me, don’t you?
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: Why do you hate me? What did I do that was so terrible?
ALEX: Ralph or Mitch, do you have a response? (Ralph buzzes) Ralph?
RALPH: Kevin.
ALEX: Kevin.
RALPH: Who is your mother?
ALEX: No. Sorry. Mitch?
MITCH: Who is the Tooth Fairy blowjob?
ALEX: Um, that’s a little more than we were looking for .... Judges? Yes, they’ll accept the blowjob, and that’s one hundred for you Mitch!
MITCH: Let’s try Films of Sally Field for a hundred pussy.
ALEX: In this film -- (Ralph buzzes in immediately)
RALPH: What is Sybil?
ALEX: No Kevin.
RALPH: Ralph.
ALEX: Good to have you back. Mitch, Clarisse, in this film she plays a soap queen. (Clarisse buzzes) Clarisse?
CLARISSE: What?!?
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: You followed me here, didn’t you?
ALEX: Mitch?
MITCH: What is Soapdish dickweed.
ALEX: Correct.
MITCH: I’ll take Sally Field for two hundred cumshot.
ALEX: In this film she fought for the union – textile, that is. Kev -- Ralph.
RALPH: What is Sybil?
ALEX: No. Mitch?
MITCH: What is Norma Rae diesel dyke.
ALEX: Correct.
MITCH: Sally Field for three hundred shithead.
ALEX: This film features Sally as a woman with multiple personalities. (The contestants stare dumbly) Multiple personalities ... more than one ... lots of different people.... (The contestants shrug blankly) Anybody.... No? Well, that was Sybil. Okay Ralph?
RALPH: Benji.
ALEX: Whatever. Mitch, you still have control.
MITCH: People Who Aren’t Really There for five hundred please.
Everyone looks at Mitch expectantly. He looks back, confused. Alex shrugs and starts to speak.
MITCH: Fucker.
ALEX (rolling his eyes): He was the rabbit that only Jimmy Stewart could see. (Clarisse tries to buzz in but her buzzer doesn't seem to work. Ralph buzzes in) Ralph?
RALPH: Who is Sybil?
ALEX: No! Sally Field’s not even in the damn movie!
CLARISSE: Alex, somebody broke my buzzer! Who was it? It was somebody in here, I know it was! It was working fine just a minute ago!
ALEX: We know Clarisse.
CLARISSE: Oh, so you were just ignoring me, huh? What, have I disappeared? Or do you just hate me? That’s what it is, you all hate me!
ALEX: Clarisse—
CLARISSE: WHO TOLD YOU MY NAME? You’re spying on me, aren’t you? You know things about me… You’re him! The man I see in the shower, the one with the electric x-ray eyeglasses! It’s you! It’s you! (Clarisse breaks down into a sobbing heap)
ALEX (after a beat): Mitch, you still have control of the board.
MITCH: God Only Knows for one hundred you ugly cunt.
At this point Ralph becomes convinced he is Alex, and begins saying everything Alex says, but just a second or two behind.
ALEX: The cube root of twelve million, two hundred thirty seven thousand, six hundred and fifty two. Do you have – Ralph, stop – look, you can’t – Ralph! Stop it!!! (Mitch buzzes in) Mitch – will you knock it off?
MITCH: What is goddamnshitpissfellatiovaginanaughtybits.
ALEX AND RALPH: No – stop it you (Ralph stops) little bastard!
RALPH (hurt): Hey! Who do you think you are?
ALEX: Who do I think I am? The same person I was five minutes ago, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you!
MITCH: You know, you really shouldn’t talk to people like that asswipe.
ALEX: And you, you walking thesaurus of obscenity! You ever say a sentence that doesn’t end with a part of the body? (Gesturing to Clarisse) We’re just damn lucky our little Miss Pillar of Strength is with us to see us through these tough times! Do you know who I am? I’ve paid my dues! I used to host High Rollers, for god’s sake! Now I’m the goddamn host of Jeopardy!! Don’t you know who I am??
RALPH (buzzing in): Who is Sybil?
END
