DO RE WHAT?!?
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Enter Maria from The Sound of Music and three little German children, Erik, Johan, and Rolf. Maria sits on a chair and the children sit on the floor at her feet.
MARIA: Now children, your father has asked me to teach you how to sing.
ERIK: I don't want to learn how to sing!
ROLF: And why doesn't our father ever spend any time with us?
JOHAN: And just what kind of a nun are you, anyway?
MARIA: That's not important. When your father heard what a wonderful job I did with Von Trapp children, he wanted you three to learn to sing as well, and so I'm going to teach you. Now, first, I'm going to teach you a little song that will help you remember the musical notes. Ahem. (Singing) Do, a deer, a female deer....
ERIK: Excuse me?
MARIA: Yes?
ERIK: Isn't dough what we use to bake bread?
MARIA: No, this is a different kind of do.
ROLF: How do you spell it?
MARIA: D-O.
JOHAN: But that's "do."
MARIA: No, it's doe.
JOHAN: But if it is spelled "do" then we whould say "do."
MARIA (giving up): All right, we'll say "do" then. (Singing) Do, a deer....
ROLF: But you cannot call a female deer a do!
MARIA: But that's how the song goes.
ROLF: Then the song is wrong?
ERIK (getting an idea): Why not say, "Do, a verb, a little verb"?
JOHAN: That would make much more sense.
All three look at Maria expectantly.
MARIA (a little more peeved): Fine. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a drop of golden sun....
JOHAN: But we'll all be burned!
MARIA: No, it's just a sun ray.
ERIK: But that is not a drop of the sun! It is just a narrow beam of visible light.
ROLF: Besides, the sun is not golden, that is simply the color that is reflected to us through the atmosphere.
MARIA (frustrated): Look, it's just a song.
ROLF: Oh, I don't think Father would like it if he knew you were filling our heads with all these wrong words and things.
Erik and Johan nod their heads.
MARIA (heavy sigh): Very well. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a name I call myself....
JOHAN: But I am Johan!
ERIK: And I am Erik!
ROLF: And I am Rolf!
MARIA: No, you see, me is what you call yourself when you don't want to say your name over and over again.
ROLF: Aaaahh ... a pronoun!
ERIK: And the objective case of I!
Maria nods. They look back expectantly. She grinds her teeth.
MARIA (singing): Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a pronoun, objective case, fa, a long long way to run....
JOHAN: Well that's stretching things a bit, don't you think?
MARIA: I'm sorry?
JOHAN: Well I realize that with these heavy German accents that many times the terminal "r" in a word is lost, but I hardly think that gives you the poetic license to replace "far" with "fa."
ROLF: Anyway, "run" does not rhyme with "light."
MARIA (pointedly): Well we've changed the song, dear.
ERIK: Then we should change this part too!
ROLF: It has to rhyme with "light."
JOHAN: Why don't we say, "Fa, a 'far' with 'r' that's slight"?
MARIA: I can't sing that!
They all make sad faces.
ERIK: Oh, Father will be so disappointed if we cannot sing.
MARIA (angry now and singing): Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a pronoun, objective case, fa, a 'far' with 'R' that's slight, so, a needle pulling thread....
Maria pauses, expecting them to interrupt, but they stay silent.
MARIA: Well?
JOHAN (puzzled): Well what?
MARIA: Don't you have a complaint about that one?
ROLF: Why should we?
ERIK: A needle pulling thread, sew, it's perfectly obvious.
MARIA (puzzled, but back to singing): La, a note to follow so --
JOHAN (interrupting): Gott en himmel, what a cop-out!
ROLF: Why not just sing the whole song that way? Re, the note that follows do, mi, the note that follows re....
ERIK: You are telling us that whoever could come up with "drop of golden sun" and turning "far" into "fa" couldn't come up with anything for la?
ROLF: I mean, la could mean so many different things. Like, well, an expression of delight.
ERIK: The abbreviation of Louisians.
JOHAN: The atomic symbol for Lanthanum!
ERIK: Ooh, I like that one!
MARIA (losing patience): Look, I didn't write the goddamn song, okay? I'm just trying to teach you how to sing! Now we're only two notes away from the end, so could you please just let me get this over with?
ROLF: But it doesn't make sense!
MARIA: It doesn't have to make sense! It's a showtune! Now where was I?
ERIK: La, the atomic symbol for Lanthanum.
MARIA (singing): Ti, I eat with jam and bread, which will bring us back to doe!
ROLF (correcting): Do.
MARIA (changing in midnote): Do.
Maria stops and looks at them contentedly. They stare blanly.
MARIA: So, what do you think?
A pause.
ROLF: Do you mean we went through all that nonsense just to end up right back where we started?
JOHAN: What a waste of time!
ERIK: I have my jam and bread with a nice glass of milk....
MARIA (barely in control): Why don't we try singing it now?
They grumble, not very enthusiastic.
MARIA (snapping): Do you want me to teach you Edelweiss?
They snap to attention.
MARIA (satisfied): That's better. Now, we'll each take a note, and I'll go first. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb.... (looks to Rolf)
ROLF (singing): Re, a narrow beam of visible light.... (looks to Johan)
JOHAN (singing): Mi, a pronoun, objective case.... (looks to Erik)
ERIK (singing): Fa, a "far" with "R" that's slight.... (looks to his side, but there is no one there to coninue the song)
JOHAN: Oh no! We have run out of siblings!
ROLF: How can we finish the song?
ERIK: I supposed we must wait until Father makes us more brothers and sisters.
JOHAN (getting an idea): Unless....
ROLF: Unless what?
JOHAN: Unless we just go back to "do" right now!
He gestures to Erik to cue them.
ERIK (singing): Fa, a "far" with "R" that's slight....
ALL THREE (singing): Which will bring us back to do!
MARIA (snapping again): But you can't do it with only five note! What about so la ti???
JOHAN: Think about it this way: nine months for each additional sibling.
ERIK: Plus waiting until the youngest child is old enough to learn to sing.
ROLF: Which means at least another eight years before you can even thing about starting to teac us again.
MARIA (finally losing all control): Eight years??? I'm not staying another eight minutes in this madhouse! I had more fun being chased by the Nazis! I'm leaving!
ERIK: But who will teach us to sing?
MARIA (getting up to leave): You've got five notes! Figure out the rest by yourselves! I don't care what you do!
ALL THREE: Doe!
Maria screams and exits. The three children watch her go, then smile and high five each other.
ALL THREE (triumphantly): LA!
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Enter Maria from The Sound of Music and three little German children, Erik, Johan, and Rolf. Maria sits on a chair and the children sit on the floor at her feet.
MARIA: Now children, your father has asked me to teach you how to sing.
ERIK: I don't want to learn how to sing!
ROLF: And why doesn't our father ever spend any time with us?
JOHAN: And just what kind of a nun are you, anyway?
MARIA: That's not important. When your father heard what a wonderful job I did with Von Trapp children, he wanted you three to learn to sing as well, and so I'm going to teach you. Now, first, I'm going to teach you a little song that will help you remember the musical notes. Ahem. (Singing) Do, a deer, a female deer....
ERIK: Excuse me?
MARIA: Yes?
ERIK: Isn't dough what we use to bake bread?
MARIA: No, this is a different kind of do.
ROLF: How do you spell it?
MARIA: D-O.
JOHAN: But that's "do."
MARIA: No, it's doe.
JOHAN: But if it is spelled "do" then we whould say "do."
MARIA (giving up): All right, we'll say "do" then. (Singing) Do, a deer....
ROLF: But you cannot call a female deer a do!
MARIA: But that's how the song goes.
ROLF: Then the song is wrong?
ERIK (getting an idea): Why not say, "Do, a verb, a little verb"?
JOHAN: That would make much more sense.
All three look at Maria expectantly.
MARIA (a little more peeved): Fine. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a drop of golden sun....
JOHAN: But we'll all be burned!
MARIA: No, it's just a sun ray.
ERIK: But that is not a drop of the sun! It is just a narrow beam of visible light.
ROLF: Besides, the sun is not golden, that is simply the color that is reflected to us through the atmosphere.
MARIA (frustrated): Look, it's just a song.
ROLF: Oh, I don't think Father would like it if he knew you were filling our heads with all these wrong words and things.
Erik and Johan nod their heads.
MARIA (heavy sigh): Very well. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a name I call myself....
JOHAN: But I am Johan!
ERIK: And I am Erik!
ROLF: And I am Rolf!
MARIA: No, you see, me is what you call yourself when you don't want to say your name over and over again.
ROLF: Aaaahh ... a pronoun!
ERIK: And the objective case of I!
Maria nods. They look back expectantly. She grinds her teeth.
MARIA (singing): Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a pronoun, objective case, fa, a long long way to run....
JOHAN: Well that's stretching things a bit, don't you think?
MARIA: I'm sorry?
JOHAN: Well I realize that with these heavy German accents that many times the terminal "r" in a word is lost, but I hardly think that gives you the poetic license to replace "far" with "fa."
ROLF: Anyway, "run" does not rhyme with "light."
MARIA (pointedly): Well we've changed the song, dear.
ERIK: Then we should change this part too!
ROLF: It has to rhyme with "light."
JOHAN: Why don't we say, "Fa, a 'far' with 'r' that's slight"?
MARIA: I can't sing that!
They all make sad faces.
ERIK: Oh, Father will be so disappointed if we cannot sing.
MARIA (angry now and singing): Do, a verb, a little verb, re, a narrow beam of visible light, mi, a pronoun, objective case, fa, a 'far' with 'R' that's slight, so, a needle pulling thread....
Maria pauses, expecting them to interrupt, but they stay silent.
MARIA: Well?
JOHAN (puzzled): Well what?
MARIA: Don't you have a complaint about that one?
ROLF: Why should we?
ERIK: A needle pulling thread, sew, it's perfectly obvious.
MARIA (puzzled, but back to singing): La, a note to follow so --
JOHAN (interrupting): Gott en himmel, what a cop-out!
ROLF: Why not just sing the whole song that way? Re, the note that follows do, mi, the note that follows re....
ERIK: You are telling us that whoever could come up with "drop of golden sun" and turning "far" into "fa" couldn't come up with anything for la?
ROLF: I mean, la could mean so many different things. Like, well, an expression of delight.
ERIK: The abbreviation of Louisians.
JOHAN: The atomic symbol for Lanthanum!
ERIK: Ooh, I like that one!
MARIA (losing patience): Look, I didn't write the goddamn song, okay? I'm just trying to teach you how to sing! Now we're only two notes away from the end, so could you please just let me get this over with?
ROLF: But it doesn't make sense!
MARIA: It doesn't have to make sense! It's a showtune! Now where was I?
ERIK: La, the atomic symbol for Lanthanum.
MARIA (singing): Ti, I eat with jam and bread, which will bring us back to doe!
ROLF (correcting): Do.
MARIA (changing in midnote): Do.
Maria stops and looks at them contentedly. They stare blanly.
MARIA: So, what do you think?
A pause.
ROLF: Do you mean we went through all that nonsense just to end up right back where we started?
JOHAN: What a waste of time!
ERIK: I have my jam and bread with a nice glass of milk....
MARIA (barely in control): Why don't we try singing it now?
They grumble, not very enthusiastic.
MARIA (snapping): Do you want me to teach you Edelweiss?
They snap to attention.
MARIA (satisfied): That's better. Now, we'll each take a note, and I'll go first. (Singing) Do, a verb, a little verb.... (looks to Rolf)
ROLF (singing): Re, a narrow beam of visible light.... (looks to Johan)
JOHAN (singing): Mi, a pronoun, objective case.... (looks to Erik)
ERIK (singing): Fa, a "far" with "R" that's slight.... (looks to his side, but there is no one there to coninue the song)
JOHAN: Oh no! We have run out of siblings!
ROLF: How can we finish the song?
ERIK: I supposed we must wait until Father makes us more brothers and sisters.
JOHAN (getting an idea): Unless....
ROLF: Unless what?
JOHAN: Unless we just go back to "do" right now!
He gestures to Erik to cue them.
ERIK (singing): Fa, a "far" with "R" that's slight....
ALL THREE (singing): Which will bring us back to do!
MARIA (snapping again): But you can't do it with only five note! What about so la ti???
JOHAN: Think about it this way: nine months for each additional sibling.
ERIK: Plus waiting until the youngest child is old enough to learn to sing.
ROLF: Which means at least another eight years before you can even thing about starting to teac us again.
MARIA (finally losing all control): Eight years??? I'm not staying another eight minutes in this madhouse! I had more fun being chased by the Nazis! I'm leaving!
ERIK: But who will teach us to sing?
MARIA (getting up to leave): You've got five notes! Figure out the rest by yourselves! I don't care what you do!
ALL THREE: Doe!
Maria screams and exits. The three children watch her go, then smile and high five each other.
ALL THREE (triumphantly): LA!
END
