CAFE JESUS
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Yvette and Adam walk into a quaint diner. Most of the tables are empty, except for one at which sits a man with the menu in front of his face.
YVETTE: Are you sure this place is any good?
ADAM: Are you kidding? Everybody is talking about Cafe Jesus (pronounces it the Spanish way) It's suppsoed to be some of the best food in town.
YVETTE: I hope so, I'm starving.
They sit at a table and look at their menus. In walks Jesus. The real Jesus.
JESUS: Blessings upon you both. Welcome to Café Jesus.
ADAM (not looking up from his menu): Isn’t that Jesus? (Spanish again)
JESUS: Nope, it’s Jesus.
YVETTE (looking up from menu): Jesus Christ!!!
Adam looks up and is shocked as well.
JESUS: Oh, let’s not be so formal. Jesus will do.
YVETTE: No, I meant, you know, like I was surprised.
JESUS: Using my name in vain, huh? (waves his finger at her) Naughty naughty! Now, may I take your order?
ADAM (in disbelief): You’re the waiter?
JESUS: Yeah, and I’ve got to work the whole place by myself. Judas said he’d be here for the lunchtime rush, but I have no idea where he is. (pauses) You know, that’s the third time this week....
YVETTE: I think I could use some wine....
JESUS: Tell you what. I’ll get your drinks. You decide what you want, and I’ll be right back.
He exits.
ADAM: I can’t believe this! Jesus, the son of God, running a diner! And waiting tables to boot!
YVETTE: Yeah. I guess we’d better leave him a damn good tip.
ADAM: Don’t say damn!
YVETTE: Oh, sorry.
Jesus backs out of the kitchen, his hands raised in frustration.
JESUS: Mom, please! I’ve died and risen from the grave! I’m a big boy! I can take care of myself! (turning to Adam and Yvette) My mom. She’s just a little overprotective.
YVETTE: Well we all have our crosses to bear.
Adam groans. Yvette takes a moment to get it.
YVETTE (sheepishly): Oh. Sorry.
JESUS: Oh please, don’t mention it. It’s not like I have (spreads arms out wide) a stigmata about it! (he laughs) Oh I’m sorry. I just think that’s terribly funny. (places a pitcher of water on the table) Here’s your wine.
ADAM: Hey, this isn’t wine. It’s water!
JESUS: Give it a minute. Have you decided what you’d like to eat?
YVETTE: How about the All-You-Can-Eat Loaves and Fishes Platter?
JESUS: Excellent choice. And you sir?
ADAM: How fresh is the salad?
JESUS: Hold on, let me ask. Dad, how’s the salad?
A roll of thunder, then a booming voice.
GOD(O.S.): It is good.
ADAM: Great, I’ll have a salad and … the Sirloin on the Mount.
JESUS: Great. I’ll be right back with your order.
ADAM: Oh, and could we have some salt please?
JESUS: Of course. Hey Lot! Scrape a couple of shaker-fulls off the wife, we’re running low!
He exits to the kitchen again.
YVETTE: Now all I’ve got to do is figure out what I want for desert.
The man behind the menu lowers it to reveal that he's Satan.
SATAN (lowering his menu): Try the apple pie! (raises it again)
ADAM: Did you say something?
SATAN (lowers it again): Try the apple pie! (raises it again)
YVETTE: No, but this apple pie sure sounds tempting.
SATAN (lowers it, pumps his fist): Yes!
Jesus comes back in. Satan quickly hides behind the menu again.
JESUS: Okay, one Loaves and Fishes, one Sirloin on the Mount with salad. Can I get you anything else?
SATAN (lowering menu): Applesauce. (raises it again)
ADAM: Applesauce.
JESUS: What the...? (notices Satan) Wait a minute! (walks over and pulls the menu away) How many times have I told you to stop hanging around here!
SATAN (standing): Hey, it’s a free country!
JESUS: Not if you’re going to sit there and bother my customers!
SATAN: Alright, alright! I’m going! Better to reign in Hell than eat in this dump! Besides, it’s soul food night at the Sizzler!
Satan exits.
JESUS: I’m so sorry about that. He’s been coming in here going on 40 days now and he still doesn’t get it. How is everything?
YVETTE: This Loaves and Fishes platter is delicious! I just don’t seem to be making much of a dent in it though....
Noah enters, soaking wet and folding up an umbrella.
JESUS: Noah! How are you?
NOAH: Oy, it’s raining cats and dogs out there!
JESUS: What can I get for you?
NOAH: I’m starving! Get me two of everything -- to go!
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Yvette and Adam walk into a quaint diner. Most of the tables are empty, except for one at which sits a man with the menu in front of his face.
YVETTE: Are you sure this place is any good?
ADAM: Are you kidding? Everybody is talking about Cafe Jesus (pronounces it the Spanish way) It's suppsoed to be some of the best food in town.
YVETTE: I hope so, I'm starving.
They sit at a table and look at their menus. In walks Jesus. The real Jesus.
JESUS: Blessings upon you both. Welcome to Café Jesus.
ADAM (not looking up from his menu): Isn’t that Jesus? (Spanish again)
JESUS: Nope, it’s Jesus.
YVETTE (looking up from menu): Jesus Christ!!!
Adam looks up and is shocked as well.
JESUS: Oh, let’s not be so formal. Jesus will do.
YVETTE: No, I meant, you know, like I was surprised.
JESUS: Using my name in vain, huh? (waves his finger at her) Naughty naughty! Now, may I take your order?
ADAM (in disbelief): You’re the waiter?
JESUS: Yeah, and I’ve got to work the whole place by myself. Judas said he’d be here for the lunchtime rush, but I have no idea where he is. (pauses) You know, that’s the third time this week....
YVETTE: I think I could use some wine....
JESUS: Tell you what. I’ll get your drinks. You decide what you want, and I’ll be right back.
He exits.
ADAM: I can’t believe this! Jesus, the son of God, running a diner! And waiting tables to boot!
YVETTE: Yeah. I guess we’d better leave him a damn good tip.
ADAM: Don’t say damn!
YVETTE: Oh, sorry.
Jesus backs out of the kitchen, his hands raised in frustration.
JESUS: Mom, please! I’ve died and risen from the grave! I’m a big boy! I can take care of myself! (turning to Adam and Yvette) My mom. She’s just a little overprotective.
YVETTE: Well we all have our crosses to bear.
Adam groans. Yvette takes a moment to get it.
YVETTE (sheepishly): Oh. Sorry.
JESUS: Oh please, don’t mention it. It’s not like I have (spreads arms out wide) a stigmata about it! (he laughs) Oh I’m sorry. I just think that’s terribly funny. (places a pitcher of water on the table) Here’s your wine.
ADAM: Hey, this isn’t wine. It’s water!
JESUS: Give it a minute. Have you decided what you’d like to eat?
YVETTE: How about the All-You-Can-Eat Loaves and Fishes Platter?
JESUS: Excellent choice. And you sir?
ADAM: How fresh is the salad?
JESUS: Hold on, let me ask. Dad, how’s the salad?
A roll of thunder, then a booming voice.
GOD(O.S.): It is good.
ADAM: Great, I’ll have a salad and … the Sirloin on the Mount.
JESUS: Great. I’ll be right back with your order.
ADAM: Oh, and could we have some salt please?
JESUS: Of course. Hey Lot! Scrape a couple of shaker-fulls off the wife, we’re running low!
He exits to the kitchen again.
YVETTE: Now all I’ve got to do is figure out what I want for desert.
The man behind the menu lowers it to reveal that he's Satan.
SATAN (lowering his menu): Try the apple pie! (raises it again)
ADAM: Did you say something?
SATAN (lowers it again): Try the apple pie! (raises it again)
YVETTE: No, but this apple pie sure sounds tempting.
SATAN (lowers it, pumps his fist): Yes!
Jesus comes back in. Satan quickly hides behind the menu again.
JESUS: Okay, one Loaves and Fishes, one Sirloin on the Mount with salad. Can I get you anything else?
SATAN (lowering menu): Applesauce. (raises it again)
ADAM: Applesauce.
JESUS: What the...? (notices Satan) Wait a minute! (walks over and pulls the menu away) How many times have I told you to stop hanging around here!
SATAN (standing): Hey, it’s a free country!
JESUS: Not if you’re going to sit there and bother my customers!
SATAN: Alright, alright! I’m going! Better to reign in Hell than eat in this dump! Besides, it’s soul food night at the Sizzler!
Satan exits.
JESUS: I’m so sorry about that. He’s been coming in here going on 40 days now and he still doesn’t get it. How is everything?
YVETTE: This Loaves and Fishes platter is delicious! I just don’t seem to be making much of a dent in it though....
Noah enters, soaking wet and folding up an umbrella.
JESUS: Noah! How are you?
NOAH: Oy, it’s raining cats and dogs out there!
JESUS: What can I get for you?
NOAH: I’m starving! Get me two of everything -- to go!
END
