THE FOUR HORSEMEN
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
The stage is dark as the opening strains of “Ride of the Valkyries” begin to play. After a few bars, the lights come up, revealing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, riding their horses. WAR brandishes a sword. FAMINE is holding his sides, looking miserable. PESTILENCE is sniffling and blowing his nose. DEATH slumps over his horse as if, well, dead. The music softens but plays throughout the scene.
WAR (very grand and ominous): Ride, my comrades, ride! The seventh seal has been broken, the beast has risen from the depths, and trump of doom has sounded over the world!!! Now all shall look to the skies in fear and know that now their end is surely upon them, for this is the appointed time, the ending of all things!!! This is the Apocalypse, and we are its messengers, the Four Horsemen!!! I am War, whose sword shall bring blood-soaked death to all who taste its bite!!!
FAMINE (weakly): I am Famine, whose wasting touch shall hurl the world into the bitter grip of hunger.
PESTILENCE (stuffy-nosed throughout): I am Pestilence, whose tainted gaze shall bring all to their knees with the fetid mantle of disease.
DEATH says nothing.
WAR (annoyed): Death? Death!
PESTILENCE: He’s been like that ever since we left.
FAMINE: Guys, did we bring some sandwiches or something? My stomach is rumbling something fierce.
WAR: Look, knock it off or you’re both getting the business-end of this sword!
FAMINE: Well I’m starving! Riding a flying horse sure does build up an appetite.
PESTILENCE: You think you’ve got problems? My sinuses are totally clogged, I feel warm, and I’ve got the sweats.
WAR: Suck it up you two, we’re the Four Horsemen!
PESTILENCE: Hey, my throat does feel a little scratchy now that you mention it.
WAR: Listen! We’re supposed to be inspiring fear in mankind! Now knock it off before somebody sees you like this!
They ride quietly for a moment.
FAMINE: Hey Arnie ….
WAR: Don’t call me that when we’re working!!!
FAMINE: Oh geez, sorry, War, look, there’s a drive-through, can’t we just swoop through real quick and –
WAR: NO!!! You’re the living embodiment of hunger! You’re supposed to look drawn and gaunt! How’s it going to look if on the night of the Apocalypse you fly by munching on a Big Mac?!?
FAMINE: Then I’ll just get some fries or something.
WAR (frustrated): You just don’t get it, do you? Why can’t you be more like Death?
PESTILENCE: Him? I haven’t been able to get a word out of him the entire trip.
WAR: He’s Death! What did you expect?
FAMINE starts biting his fingernails.
WAR: Cut it out!!!
PESTILENCE coughs violently and looks down at his hands.
PESTILENCE: Whoa, I’ve got to get some Vicks or something, that is not a good color.
FAMINE (leaning over for a look): How’s that taste?
WAR (losing patience): Okay, that’s it!!! Either you two straighten up and start acting like harbingers of the end of the world or I will thrash you both within inches of your afterlives!!! Now don’t make me use this!!!
WAR waves his sword menacingly.
PESTILENCE: You know, violence really isn’t the way to solve your problems.
FAMINE: I agree. Let’s sit down and talk this out. Over dinner.
WAR: Right! I’ve had it!!! I’m just going to ride my horse and ignore the both of you!!!
WAR rides a short distance away from the others.
PESTILENCE: Geez, what’s eating him? Oh, sorry.
FAMINE: It’s all right. I don’t know, maybe he’s just worried about using the Valkyries’ song without telling them.
PESTILENCE: Let him have the case of pneumonia I’ve got, then he’d have something to worry about.
FAMINE: Have you taken anything for it?
PESTILENCE: I don’t know what to take! I don’t know whether to starve my fever or feed my cold. Oh, sorry.
FAMINE: Don’t worry about it. You know, you should really eat something. You look like death.
PESTILENCE lifts DEATH’s head up and takes a look.
PESTILENCE: No, I don’t think things are quite that bad yet.
PESTILENCE lets go of DEATH’s head. The movement causes DEATH to teeter and fall off his horse. PESTILENCE and FAMINE watch him tumble away, and then exchange panicked looks.
PESTILENCE (sheepishly): Um. War?
WAR: I’m ignoring you two, remember?
FAMINE: Well, we were just wondering how set in the stone the whole four horsemen idea was.
WAR: I’m not talking to you two until you start taking this Apocalypse seriously!
PESTILENCE: We just lost Death.
WAR looks back at DEATH’s empty saddle.
WAR: I’ll kill him!!!
FAMINE: Well, we’ll just have to pick him up on the way back.
WAR: You can’t have the Apocalypse without Death!!! What’s the point of starving people, making the sick, and poking them with swords if they can’t die?!?
PESTILENCE: Oh, well, maybe we could be a kindler, gentler Apocalypse.
WAR (disgusted): No! We have to call the whole thing off!!!
PESTILENCE: You mean I’ve got to go out in this cold two nights in a row? I’ll catch my death!
WAR: If you had caught Death, we wouldn’t have this problem, now would we?!? (pulls out a walkie-talkie) Armageddon Base, this is HotHead. The Big Sleep is missing. Say again, the Big Sleep is missing. We have an Apocalypse abort, I repeat, we have an Apocalypse abort.
(puts radio away and looks longingly at his sword) Damn, and I was really looking forward to using this.
PESTILENCE: Well, I’m going home and getting right into bed. I’ve got to try and shake this thing before tomorrow night.
WAR: Either of you feel like watching Apocalypse Now?
FAMINE: Can we make popcorn?
WAR: Oh shut up!!!
The music rises as the they ride off and the lights fade.
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
The stage is dark as the opening strains of “Ride of the Valkyries” begin to play. After a few bars, the lights come up, revealing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, riding their horses. WAR brandishes a sword. FAMINE is holding his sides, looking miserable. PESTILENCE is sniffling and blowing his nose. DEATH slumps over his horse as if, well, dead. The music softens but plays throughout the scene.
WAR (very grand and ominous): Ride, my comrades, ride! The seventh seal has been broken, the beast has risen from the depths, and trump of doom has sounded over the world!!! Now all shall look to the skies in fear and know that now their end is surely upon them, for this is the appointed time, the ending of all things!!! This is the Apocalypse, and we are its messengers, the Four Horsemen!!! I am War, whose sword shall bring blood-soaked death to all who taste its bite!!!
FAMINE (weakly): I am Famine, whose wasting touch shall hurl the world into the bitter grip of hunger.
PESTILENCE (stuffy-nosed throughout): I am Pestilence, whose tainted gaze shall bring all to their knees with the fetid mantle of disease.
DEATH says nothing.
WAR (annoyed): Death? Death!
PESTILENCE: He’s been like that ever since we left.
FAMINE: Guys, did we bring some sandwiches or something? My stomach is rumbling something fierce.
WAR: Look, knock it off or you’re both getting the business-end of this sword!
FAMINE: Well I’m starving! Riding a flying horse sure does build up an appetite.
PESTILENCE: You think you’ve got problems? My sinuses are totally clogged, I feel warm, and I’ve got the sweats.
WAR: Suck it up you two, we’re the Four Horsemen!
PESTILENCE: Hey, my throat does feel a little scratchy now that you mention it.
WAR: Listen! We’re supposed to be inspiring fear in mankind! Now knock it off before somebody sees you like this!
They ride quietly for a moment.
FAMINE: Hey Arnie ….
WAR: Don’t call me that when we’re working!!!
FAMINE: Oh geez, sorry, War, look, there’s a drive-through, can’t we just swoop through real quick and –
WAR: NO!!! You’re the living embodiment of hunger! You’re supposed to look drawn and gaunt! How’s it going to look if on the night of the Apocalypse you fly by munching on a Big Mac?!?
FAMINE: Then I’ll just get some fries or something.
WAR (frustrated): You just don’t get it, do you? Why can’t you be more like Death?
PESTILENCE: Him? I haven’t been able to get a word out of him the entire trip.
WAR: He’s Death! What did you expect?
FAMINE starts biting his fingernails.
WAR: Cut it out!!!
PESTILENCE coughs violently and looks down at his hands.
PESTILENCE: Whoa, I’ve got to get some Vicks or something, that is not a good color.
FAMINE (leaning over for a look): How’s that taste?
WAR (losing patience): Okay, that’s it!!! Either you two straighten up and start acting like harbingers of the end of the world or I will thrash you both within inches of your afterlives!!! Now don’t make me use this!!!
WAR waves his sword menacingly.
PESTILENCE: You know, violence really isn’t the way to solve your problems.
FAMINE: I agree. Let’s sit down and talk this out. Over dinner.
WAR: Right! I’ve had it!!! I’m just going to ride my horse and ignore the both of you!!!
WAR rides a short distance away from the others.
PESTILENCE: Geez, what’s eating him? Oh, sorry.
FAMINE: It’s all right. I don’t know, maybe he’s just worried about using the Valkyries’ song without telling them.
PESTILENCE: Let him have the case of pneumonia I’ve got, then he’d have something to worry about.
FAMINE: Have you taken anything for it?
PESTILENCE: I don’t know what to take! I don’t know whether to starve my fever or feed my cold. Oh, sorry.
FAMINE: Don’t worry about it. You know, you should really eat something. You look like death.
PESTILENCE lifts DEATH’s head up and takes a look.
PESTILENCE: No, I don’t think things are quite that bad yet.
PESTILENCE lets go of DEATH’s head. The movement causes DEATH to teeter and fall off his horse. PESTILENCE and FAMINE watch him tumble away, and then exchange panicked looks.
PESTILENCE (sheepishly): Um. War?
WAR: I’m ignoring you two, remember?
FAMINE: Well, we were just wondering how set in the stone the whole four horsemen idea was.
WAR: I’m not talking to you two until you start taking this Apocalypse seriously!
PESTILENCE: We just lost Death.
WAR looks back at DEATH’s empty saddle.
WAR: I’ll kill him!!!
FAMINE: Well, we’ll just have to pick him up on the way back.
WAR: You can’t have the Apocalypse without Death!!! What’s the point of starving people, making the sick, and poking them with swords if they can’t die?!?
PESTILENCE: Oh, well, maybe we could be a kindler, gentler Apocalypse.
WAR (disgusted): No! We have to call the whole thing off!!!
PESTILENCE: You mean I’ve got to go out in this cold two nights in a row? I’ll catch my death!
WAR: If you had caught Death, we wouldn’t have this problem, now would we?!? (pulls out a walkie-talkie) Armageddon Base, this is HotHead. The Big Sleep is missing. Say again, the Big Sleep is missing. We have an Apocalypse abort, I repeat, we have an Apocalypse abort.
(puts radio away and looks longingly at his sword) Damn, and I was really looking forward to using this.
PESTILENCE: Well, I’m going home and getting right into bed. I’ve got to try and shake this thing before tomorrow night.
WAR: Either of you feel like watching Apocalypse Now?
FAMINE: Can we make popcorn?
WAR: Oh shut up!!!
The music rises as the they ride off and the lights fade.
END
