DISPOSSESSING
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Mother and Father stand over their daughter, who is tied to the bed and sitting rather calmly.
MOTHER (distraught): Shouldn’t he be here by now?
FATHER: The church said he was on his way.
MOTHER: Why us? Why us?
She breaks down and sobs on Father’s shoulder. Priest enters.
FATHER: Oh thank God! You’re here!
PRIEST: Thank God, indeed. I only pray I’m here in time.
MOTHER: Can you help her?
PRIEST: I am well versed in the rite of exorcism. I will do all I can. The rest is up to the Lord. Now, you may want to stay back. This may not be pleasant.
He approaches the daughter.
DAUGHTER: Good day. So you’re the nice man who’s going to try to make me leave?
PRIEST: Um, why, yes.
DAUGHTER: It’s so nice to meet you. I’d shake your hand, but as you can see, my parents have me tied up quite tightly.
PRIEST (confused): Yes, I can see that. (to parents) You did say she was possessed, right?
MOTHER: Oh yes!
FATHER: Doors slamming, drawers flying open … it was horrible!
PRIEST: Right. (opening Bible) In the name of –
DAUGHTER: Excuse me?
PRIEST: Yes?
DAUGHTER: Would you mind too terribly not mentioning (looking up) his name? I find it most displeasing.
PRIEST: Well, it is part of the rite….
DAUGHTER: I know, and I do so hate to step in and muck things up for you, but it would be ever so nice if you could skip over that part.
PRIEST (to parents): Doors slamming, you say?
FATHER: Almost constantly!
MOTHER: And we’re constantly shooing flies off the window.
PRIEST: I see. ( to daughter) I, um, I really appreciate your concern, but I’m afraid it’s part of the rite. I have to say it.
DAUGHTER: Oh dear. Then I’m simply going to have to say something derogatory about your mother.
PRIEST: I beg your pardon?
DAUGHTER: Your mother is not a nice person at all. I don’t think I’d care to meet her socially.
PRIEST: That’s the best you’ve got?
DAUGHTER: I’m afraid I don’t understand you.
PRIEST: Well I’ve had bile spit at me, been lashed by howling winds, seen plagues of locusts summoned out of nowhere, gotten bashed against walls by sheer thought, and the best you can do is slightly degrade my mother?
DAUGHTER: Spitting bile? That’s not acceptable behavior for a young lady like me.
PRIEST (to parents): Who’s she possessed by, Miss Manners?
FATHER: I thought you said you could help her.
PRIEST: I’m sorry, but this is completely not what I was expecting at all.
MOTHER: And just what were you expecting?
PRIEST: Honestly, something a little more like the movie.
FATHER: Oh, I see. So our little girl isn’t Hollywood enough for you?
PRIEST: No, I –
FATHER: You waltz in here with your Bible and your little collar and think you know so much! Well you don’t know anything! She’s possessed, I tell you! Possessed!
DAUGHTER: Father, you really shouldn’t shout so. It’s so improper.
FATHER: You see? What kid talks like that?!?
PRIEST: But she’s an impeccably behaved little girl. I’d say the flies and slamming doors are a small price to pay.
MOTHER (aghast): Just what kind of priest are you?
PRIEST: Ma’am, I’ve seen parents whose children are completely unpossessed, and, well, for them to have a child like yours for just one day, they’d sell their souls. (Daughter perks up) And no, I’m not giving you their addresses.
FATHER: So you’re saying we should be grateful?
PRIEST: You ever had bile spit at you?
FATHER: No.
PRIEST: Very grateful. So there’s a demon inside her. Seems like an improvement from where I’m standing. (Turns to go)
MOTHER: You’re leaving?
PRIEST: Yes. Believe me, you don’t know how good you have it. Just hang some pest strips in the window and install some more carpeting. It’ll muffle the sound of the doors slamming. (To daughter) It was a pleasure meeting you.
DAUGHTER: Likewise. And I’m so terribly sorry about those things I said about your mother, but you really did leave me no choice.
PRIEST: Oh please, don’t mention it. Well, good day everyone.
He leaves. The parents stand shocked.
DAUGHTER: Well, now that that unpleasantness is over, would one of you be so good as to bring me the virgin and the pig’s blood?
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Mother and Father stand over their daughter, who is tied to the bed and sitting rather calmly.
MOTHER (distraught): Shouldn’t he be here by now?
FATHER: The church said he was on his way.
MOTHER: Why us? Why us?
She breaks down and sobs on Father’s shoulder. Priest enters.
FATHER: Oh thank God! You’re here!
PRIEST: Thank God, indeed. I only pray I’m here in time.
MOTHER: Can you help her?
PRIEST: I am well versed in the rite of exorcism. I will do all I can. The rest is up to the Lord. Now, you may want to stay back. This may not be pleasant.
He approaches the daughter.
DAUGHTER: Good day. So you’re the nice man who’s going to try to make me leave?
PRIEST: Um, why, yes.
DAUGHTER: It’s so nice to meet you. I’d shake your hand, but as you can see, my parents have me tied up quite tightly.
PRIEST (confused): Yes, I can see that. (to parents) You did say she was possessed, right?
MOTHER: Oh yes!
FATHER: Doors slamming, drawers flying open … it was horrible!
PRIEST: Right. (opening Bible) In the name of –
DAUGHTER: Excuse me?
PRIEST: Yes?
DAUGHTER: Would you mind too terribly not mentioning (looking up) his name? I find it most displeasing.
PRIEST: Well, it is part of the rite….
DAUGHTER: I know, and I do so hate to step in and muck things up for you, but it would be ever so nice if you could skip over that part.
PRIEST (to parents): Doors slamming, you say?
FATHER: Almost constantly!
MOTHER: And we’re constantly shooing flies off the window.
PRIEST: I see. ( to daughter) I, um, I really appreciate your concern, but I’m afraid it’s part of the rite. I have to say it.
DAUGHTER: Oh dear. Then I’m simply going to have to say something derogatory about your mother.
PRIEST: I beg your pardon?
DAUGHTER: Your mother is not a nice person at all. I don’t think I’d care to meet her socially.
PRIEST: That’s the best you’ve got?
DAUGHTER: I’m afraid I don’t understand you.
PRIEST: Well I’ve had bile spit at me, been lashed by howling winds, seen plagues of locusts summoned out of nowhere, gotten bashed against walls by sheer thought, and the best you can do is slightly degrade my mother?
DAUGHTER: Spitting bile? That’s not acceptable behavior for a young lady like me.
PRIEST (to parents): Who’s she possessed by, Miss Manners?
FATHER: I thought you said you could help her.
PRIEST: I’m sorry, but this is completely not what I was expecting at all.
MOTHER: And just what were you expecting?
PRIEST: Honestly, something a little more like the movie.
FATHER: Oh, I see. So our little girl isn’t Hollywood enough for you?
PRIEST: No, I –
FATHER: You waltz in here with your Bible and your little collar and think you know so much! Well you don’t know anything! She’s possessed, I tell you! Possessed!
DAUGHTER: Father, you really shouldn’t shout so. It’s so improper.
FATHER: You see? What kid talks like that?!?
PRIEST: But she’s an impeccably behaved little girl. I’d say the flies and slamming doors are a small price to pay.
MOTHER (aghast): Just what kind of priest are you?
PRIEST: Ma’am, I’ve seen parents whose children are completely unpossessed, and, well, for them to have a child like yours for just one day, they’d sell their souls. (Daughter perks up) And no, I’m not giving you their addresses.
FATHER: So you’re saying we should be grateful?
PRIEST: You ever had bile spit at you?
FATHER: No.
PRIEST: Very grateful. So there’s a demon inside her. Seems like an improvement from where I’m standing. (Turns to go)
MOTHER: You’re leaving?
PRIEST: Yes. Believe me, you don’t know how good you have it. Just hang some pest strips in the window and install some more carpeting. It’ll muffle the sound of the doors slamming. (To daughter) It was a pleasure meeting you.
DAUGHTER: Likewise. And I’m so terribly sorry about those things I said about your mother, but you really did leave me no choice.
PRIEST: Oh please, don’t mention it. Well, good day everyone.
He leaves. The parents stand shocked.
DAUGHTER: Well, now that that unpleasantness is over, would one of you be so good as to bring me the virgin and the pig’s blood?
