EARLY BIRDS
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
NOTE: This sketch was written before the title of Episode II was announced, just to place this in the proper historical context.
Gus and Shirley sit huddled in blankets and sleeping bags. Jim walks by and drops some money.
GUS: Excuse me, we’re not homeless.
JIM: I’m sorry?
GUS: We’re not homeless, we’re just waiting.
SHIRLEY: That was very generous of you though.
JIM: I’m sorry, I just saw the blankets and everything. What are you waiting for?
Gus and Shirley exchange looks and start laughing.
SHIRLEY: Like you don’t know!
JIM: Well I don’t.
GUS (surprised): Really?
JIM: Really.
GUS: We’re in line for the new Star Wars movie.
JIM: Um, didn’t that come out already?
SHIRLEY: Oh like we’d be stupid enough to be sitting here in line for a movie that came out already!
GUS: May 19, 1999, to be exact.
SHIRLEY: We’re in line for Episode 2!
JIM: Episode 2? That comes out in 2002!
GUS: Yes, I admit, we got here a little late.
JIM: Late?!? You’re a year and a half early!
SHIRLEY: You want spots like these, you’ve got to act fast.
JIM: There’s no one else here!!!
GUS: Well you can’t be too sure. (Yoda voice) Always in motion is the future.
SHIRLEY (in awe): I love it when he does that!
They giggle like a couple of fiends.
GUS: Shirley and I met in line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.
SHIRLEY (admiringly): I was only fourth in line, but there was Gus, all the way up at the front.
JIM: Oh, of course.
GUS: I looked for her again in the line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, but she wasn’t there.
SHIRLEY: My mother passed away, so I had to go to the show after the funeral.
GUS: But then, at the front of the line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, there she was!
SHIRLEY: I got in line right after I saw Episode V for the tenth time.
GUS: I felt like Luke Skywalker the first time he saw Artoo-Deeto play the hologram of Princess Leia.
SHIRLEY: And he looked just like a shorter Han Solo with glasses!
GUS: Although I think I look more like a slightly heavier Luke Skywalker myself.
SHIRLEY: But then I’d be your sister and that would just be gross!
JIM: Well, he didn’t know Leia was his sister in Star Wars.
SHIRLEY (sternly): You mean A New Hope.
JIM: Yeah, whatever, it‘s the same thing.
GUS (with anger): Star Wars is the overall name for the entire saga, not the name of the first movie.
JIM: Huh?
GUS (standing): A New Hope is episode 4 of the Star Wars saga. It says so in the opening crawl. Episode 4. A New Hope. It doesn’t say Episode 4, Star Wars.
Gus begins wheezing.
SHIRLEY (standing, worried): Gus, your asthma! (To Jim) Doesn’t he sound like Darth Vader when he does that?
Enter Christopher carrying a bar of soap.
CHRISTOPHER: Alright you two, the manager says you have to stop washing up in our bathrooms.
Gus tries to talk but he’s still wheezing. He gestures for Shirley to take over.
SHIRLEY: We buy our tickets, we have just as much right to use that bathroom as anybody else!
CHRISTOPHER: You buy a ticket just to use the bathroom! You don’t even watch the movie you pay for!
SHIRLEY: How do you know?
CHRISTOPHER: Because there is NO way you saw [BAD MOVIE] 27 times between the two of you!
GUS (gaining his composure): Do you need to see the stubs? I’ve got the stubs!
CHRISTOPHER: Look, we’re already being more than patient with the two of you camped out here. Hell, the two of you alone are keeping the concession stand in the black.
SHIRLEY: You’re out of butter, by the way.
JIM: Couldn’t one of you go home and shower while the other waits in line? Then, you know, switch off?
GUS: Did Chewbacca go home and grab a nap while Lando looked for Han?
SHIRLEY: And then, you know, “switch off”?
GUS: I don’t think so!
CHRISTOPHER: I don’t need this. I’ve got to go and sit through [OTHER BAD MOVIE] again. Just the two of you watch yourselves.
He exits.
GUS (as Christopher goes): You stuck up....
SHIRLEY: Half-witted....
GUS: Scruffy looking....
BOTH: NERF HERDER!!!
They high five and sit back down.
JIM: You two are freaks, you know that?
GUS: What?
SHIRLEY: Gus, honey, don’t let him get you started again.
JIM: You’re a couple of freaks! You’re sitting here waiting for a movie that won’t even be out for another year! You’re bathing in a public bathroom! And you’re living off a diet that would make a cockroach sick!
SHIRLEY: They have Snapple!
JIM: Who cares?!? All around you people are getting on with their lives, while you two sit here just so you can be first to see a movie that’s a sequel to a movie that wasn’t all that good in the first place!
GUS (rising): If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine....
SHIRLEY: Oh no, now you’ve made him angry.
JIM: Oooh, I’m scared. What’s he gonna do? Quote me to death?
SHIRLEY: He’ll pull your arms out of your sockets. Gus has been known to do that!
Gus stares at Jim. Jim stares back menacingly. Gus backs down. Shirley looks at him, disappointed.
GUS: Honey, a Jedi used his powers for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
SHIRLEY (softening): Oh Gus, you always know what to say!
Enter Kenny, carrying two sleeping bags and some blankets.
JIM: There you are!
KENNY: Sorry I’m late, man. (Noticing Gus and Shirley) Aw man, they took our spot!
JIM: Nah, they’re waiting for Star Wars.
GUS: That’s Star Wars Episode 2: As Yet Untitled to you, buddy.
JIM: Whatever, let’s go get our spot.
KENNY: Aye, Cap’n!
He exits.
JIM (giving the Vulcan salute): Live long and prosper, losers!
He exits.
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
NOTE: This sketch was written before the title of Episode II was announced, just to place this in the proper historical context.
Gus and Shirley sit huddled in blankets and sleeping bags. Jim walks by and drops some money.
GUS: Excuse me, we’re not homeless.
JIM: I’m sorry?
GUS: We’re not homeless, we’re just waiting.
SHIRLEY: That was very generous of you though.
JIM: I’m sorry, I just saw the blankets and everything. What are you waiting for?
Gus and Shirley exchange looks and start laughing.
SHIRLEY: Like you don’t know!
JIM: Well I don’t.
GUS (surprised): Really?
JIM: Really.
GUS: We’re in line for the new Star Wars movie.
JIM: Um, didn’t that come out already?
SHIRLEY: Oh like we’d be stupid enough to be sitting here in line for a movie that came out already!
GUS: May 19, 1999, to be exact.
SHIRLEY: We’re in line for Episode 2!
JIM: Episode 2? That comes out in 2002!
GUS: Yes, I admit, we got here a little late.
JIM: Late?!? You’re a year and a half early!
SHIRLEY: You want spots like these, you’ve got to act fast.
JIM: There’s no one else here!!!
GUS: Well you can’t be too sure. (Yoda voice) Always in motion is the future.
SHIRLEY (in awe): I love it when he does that!
They giggle like a couple of fiends.
GUS: Shirley and I met in line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.
SHIRLEY (admiringly): I was only fourth in line, but there was Gus, all the way up at the front.
JIM: Oh, of course.
GUS: I looked for her again in the line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, but she wasn’t there.
SHIRLEY: My mother passed away, so I had to go to the show after the funeral.
GUS: But then, at the front of the line for the Special Edition release of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, there she was!
SHIRLEY: I got in line right after I saw Episode V for the tenth time.
GUS: I felt like Luke Skywalker the first time he saw Artoo-Deeto play the hologram of Princess Leia.
SHIRLEY: And he looked just like a shorter Han Solo with glasses!
GUS: Although I think I look more like a slightly heavier Luke Skywalker myself.
SHIRLEY: But then I’d be your sister and that would just be gross!
JIM: Well, he didn’t know Leia was his sister in Star Wars.
SHIRLEY (sternly): You mean A New Hope.
JIM: Yeah, whatever, it‘s the same thing.
GUS (with anger): Star Wars is the overall name for the entire saga, not the name of the first movie.
JIM: Huh?
GUS (standing): A New Hope is episode 4 of the Star Wars saga. It says so in the opening crawl. Episode 4. A New Hope. It doesn’t say Episode 4, Star Wars.
Gus begins wheezing.
SHIRLEY (standing, worried): Gus, your asthma! (To Jim) Doesn’t he sound like Darth Vader when he does that?
Enter Christopher carrying a bar of soap.
CHRISTOPHER: Alright you two, the manager says you have to stop washing up in our bathrooms.
Gus tries to talk but he’s still wheezing. He gestures for Shirley to take over.
SHIRLEY: We buy our tickets, we have just as much right to use that bathroom as anybody else!
CHRISTOPHER: You buy a ticket just to use the bathroom! You don’t even watch the movie you pay for!
SHIRLEY: How do you know?
CHRISTOPHER: Because there is NO way you saw [BAD MOVIE] 27 times between the two of you!
GUS (gaining his composure): Do you need to see the stubs? I’ve got the stubs!
CHRISTOPHER: Look, we’re already being more than patient with the two of you camped out here. Hell, the two of you alone are keeping the concession stand in the black.
SHIRLEY: You’re out of butter, by the way.
JIM: Couldn’t one of you go home and shower while the other waits in line? Then, you know, switch off?
GUS: Did Chewbacca go home and grab a nap while Lando looked for Han?
SHIRLEY: And then, you know, “switch off”?
GUS: I don’t think so!
CHRISTOPHER: I don’t need this. I’ve got to go and sit through [OTHER BAD MOVIE] again. Just the two of you watch yourselves.
He exits.
GUS (as Christopher goes): You stuck up....
SHIRLEY: Half-witted....
GUS: Scruffy looking....
BOTH: NERF HERDER!!!
They high five and sit back down.
JIM: You two are freaks, you know that?
GUS: What?
SHIRLEY: Gus, honey, don’t let him get you started again.
JIM: You’re a couple of freaks! You’re sitting here waiting for a movie that won’t even be out for another year! You’re bathing in a public bathroom! And you’re living off a diet that would make a cockroach sick!
SHIRLEY: They have Snapple!
JIM: Who cares?!? All around you people are getting on with their lives, while you two sit here just so you can be first to see a movie that’s a sequel to a movie that wasn’t all that good in the first place!
GUS (rising): If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine....
SHIRLEY: Oh no, now you’ve made him angry.
JIM: Oooh, I’m scared. What’s he gonna do? Quote me to death?
SHIRLEY: He’ll pull your arms out of your sockets. Gus has been known to do that!
Gus stares at Jim. Jim stares back menacingly. Gus backs down. Shirley looks at him, disappointed.
GUS: Honey, a Jedi used his powers for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
SHIRLEY (softening): Oh Gus, you always know what to say!
Enter Kenny, carrying two sleeping bags and some blankets.
JIM: There you are!
KENNY: Sorry I’m late, man. (Noticing Gus and Shirley) Aw man, they took our spot!
JIM: Nah, they’re waiting for Star Wars.
GUS: That’s Star Wars Episode 2: As Yet Untitled to you, buddy.
JIM: Whatever, let’s go get our spot.
KENNY: Aye, Cap’n!
He exits.
JIM (giving the Vulcan salute): Live long and prosper, losers!
He exits.
