SUB-STANDARD
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Susan enters with Linka, a Russian immigrant, who carries a suitcase.
SUSAN: And here’s the living room. The couch is the best I can do, I’m afraid.
LINKA: Oh, please, you are very kind to me.
SUSAN: Hey, you might be a distant relative, but you’re still family.
LINKA: I am so glad. It was so very hard to stay after … after … (begins to get upset)
SUSAN: I know, I know, it’s alright.
There is a knock at the door.
SUSAN (rising to answer): That’ll be my friend Bob. He’s a real great guy, he’ll cheer you right up.
Linka smiles weakly as Susan opens the door and lets in Bob. He carries a Blimpies bag.
BOB: Hey, Suze, what’s up? Is that her?
SUSAN: Yes, and remember, be careful. She lost a brother when that Russian sub the Kursk went down. She’s still pretty emotional about it.
BOB: Hey, ain’t that why you called me over? (walking to Linka) Hi, I’m Bob! Nice to meet you!
LINKA (shyly): It is nice to meet you too.
BOB (holding up the bag): Hope you’re hungry! I got enough Blimpies for everyone.
LINKA: I do not know. My stomach, it is not used to your American food.
BOB: Aw, don’t worry! These are subs! They go down real easy!
Susan yanks Bob aside as Linka stifle a sob.
SUSAN: What the hell is the matter with you?
BOB: What? (realizing) Oh. (REALLY realizing) Oh! Oh god, I’m sorry, Suze.
SUSAN: Look, just forget it, don’t even apologize about it.
BOB: Okay.
They turn back over to Linka.
BOB: So, how long you been in the country?
LINKA: Only a few days.
SUSAN: She’s waiting for her green card.
BOB: Well, I wouldn’t hold your breath….
Susan whirls on Bob. Linka sobs again.
SUSAN: Bob!
BOB: Look, I’m sorry! This isn’t easy for me!
SUSAN: She’s already upset enough as it is! You’re not helping!
BOB: I’ll play some music or something. How about that? (to Linka) Hey, how about some music? Good old rock and roll!
LINKA (sniffling): That might be nice.
BOB: Great!
Bob goes over to Susan’s CD player and starts the disc.
CD: “I’d like to be/Under the sea…”
Linka sobs even more.
BOB (quickly): Let’s skip ahead…
CD: “We all live in a yellow submarine…”
Linka is crying pretty good now.
SUSAN: For God’s sake, Bob!
BOB (switching off CD): Okay, no music! How about some TV?
He sits next to the crying Linka and turns on the TV.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Das Boot!
Linka wails. Bob flips the channel.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: ... Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October!
Linka howls. Bob is really panicking now.
BOB: Okay, the Disney Channel! How bad can that be?
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: ... Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea!
Linka is almost in banshee mode. Bob flips madly.
BOB: Here, a documentary on infertility on the Learning Channel. There can’t be ANYTHING on here to upset you.
VOICE: And inside we see nothing but dead semen.
Linka lets loose a blood-curdling cry. Bob quickly turns off the TV. Susan is trying to console Linka, to no avail, and glaring at Bob.
BOB: Oh come on, this is not my fault! I’m not doing this on purpose! Throw me a rope, I’m drowning here!
LINKA: Please! Please make him stop speaking!
SUSAN: I think you’d better go, Bob.
BOB (glumly): I’m really sorry, Linka.
LINKA: You are an evil man.
BOB: But...
SUSAN: Bob. Really. Enough.
BOB: Look, how did I know she was gonna melt down like this?
Linka screams in agony and collapses.
SUSAN (furious): You idiot! She had an uncle at Chernobyl!!!
END
Copyright 2002 Richard F. Dickson
Susan enters with Linka, a Russian immigrant, who carries a suitcase.
SUSAN: And here’s the living room. The couch is the best I can do, I’m afraid.
LINKA: Oh, please, you are very kind to me.
SUSAN: Hey, you might be a distant relative, but you’re still family.
LINKA: I am so glad. It was so very hard to stay after … after … (begins to get upset)
SUSAN: I know, I know, it’s alright.
There is a knock at the door.
SUSAN (rising to answer): That’ll be my friend Bob. He’s a real great guy, he’ll cheer you right up.
Linka smiles weakly as Susan opens the door and lets in Bob. He carries a Blimpies bag.
BOB: Hey, Suze, what’s up? Is that her?
SUSAN: Yes, and remember, be careful. She lost a brother when that Russian sub the Kursk went down. She’s still pretty emotional about it.
BOB: Hey, ain’t that why you called me over? (walking to Linka) Hi, I’m Bob! Nice to meet you!
LINKA (shyly): It is nice to meet you too.
BOB (holding up the bag): Hope you’re hungry! I got enough Blimpies for everyone.
LINKA: I do not know. My stomach, it is not used to your American food.
BOB: Aw, don’t worry! These are subs! They go down real easy!
Susan yanks Bob aside as Linka stifle a sob.
SUSAN: What the hell is the matter with you?
BOB: What? (realizing) Oh. (REALLY realizing) Oh! Oh god, I’m sorry, Suze.
SUSAN: Look, just forget it, don’t even apologize about it.
BOB: Okay.
They turn back over to Linka.
BOB: So, how long you been in the country?
LINKA: Only a few days.
SUSAN: She’s waiting for her green card.
BOB: Well, I wouldn’t hold your breath….
Susan whirls on Bob. Linka sobs again.
SUSAN: Bob!
BOB: Look, I’m sorry! This isn’t easy for me!
SUSAN: She’s already upset enough as it is! You’re not helping!
BOB: I’ll play some music or something. How about that? (to Linka) Hey, how about some music? Good old rock and roll!
LINKA (sniffling): That might be nice.
BOB: Great!
Bob goes over to Susan’s CD player and starts the disc.
CD: “I’d like to be/Under the sea…”
Linka sobs even more.
BOB (quickly): Let’s skip ahead…
CD: “We all live in a yellow submarine…”
Linka is crying pretty good now.
SUSAN: For God’s sake, Bob!
BOB (switching off CD): Okay, no music! How about some TV?
He sits next to the crying Linka and turns on the TV.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to Das Boot!
Linka wails. Bob flips the channel.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: ... Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October!
Linka howls. Bob is really panicking now.
BOB: Okay, the Disney Channel! How bad can that be?
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: ... Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea!
Linka is almost in banshee mode. Bob flips madly.
BOB: Here, a documentary on infertility on the Learning Channel. There can’t be ANYTHING on here to upset you.
VOICE: And inside we see nothing but dead semen.
Linka lets loose a blood-curdling cry. Bob quickly turns off the TV. Susan is trying to console Linka, to no avail, and glaring at Bob.
BOB: Oh come on, this is not my fault! I’m not doing this on purpose! Throw me a rope, I’m drowning here!
LINKA: Please! Please make him stop speaking!
SUSAN: I think you’d better go, Bob.
BOB (glumly): I’m really sorry, Linka.
LINKA: You are an evil man.
BOB: But...
SUSAN: Bob. Really. Enough.
BOB: Look, how did I know she was gonna melt down like this?
Linka screams in agony and collapses.
SUSAN (furious): You idiot! She had an uncle at Chernobyl!!!
END
