WrappedinPlastic here...I just wanted to know what yall think of this script I wrote. Just some constructive criticism, don't just bash the shit out of me..please?
Narcolepsy
Int. Apartment Hallway
Jack is running down the hall at a fast speed with no apparent reason. His eyes darting frantically eyes the camera closes in on his head as he darts then stops around a corner
Jack
I have to go back-!
He then falls over, appearing to be dead….yet only in a deep slumber while the screen goes black with the words Quick Prologue flash on the screen
Voice
Death. That is what falls around our hero, or coward? Death. All around him it appears, but…he can’t remember it. Stupid disease.
Screen fades from the screen to Jack in his bed in his apartment room. He pushes himself up, and looks around…trying to figure out who got him there, when he sees his girlfriend walk around the corner
Jack
Thanks for getting me back to my room….I don’t remember anything other than zonking out in that hall after running some….I can’t even remember what I was running from, if I even was. Damn you Narcolepsy!
Erica
What?
Erica looks at Jack a little funny, kinda like a what-the-hell-you-talking-about look, and cocks her head to the side
Erica
Whatever….umm, I have some bad news.
Jack
What?
Jack gives Erica a look of both concern and anger, for like he can expect what to hear
Erica
Well….Alex needs the money now, not next week-
Jack
Now that IS something I remember. I gave her that money already; you were there with me!
Erica
What? No you didn’t, you still have the money on the dresser. Check it.
Jack staggers over to the dresser, and picks up the paper bag.
Jack
Well, hell… look at that. Guess it even interferes with work…..
Jack puts the money down back on the dresser
Jack
We’ll give it to her when we go out. Easy as that, no troubles.
Jack puts his hands on her shoulders, until she nods. He nods back and she exits to the other room, while Jack gets on the couch and turns on the television
TV News Announcer
The murderer is still on the loose. He has already killed 10 people, yet the police have only been able to locate 2 of the bodies. One of them is said to be the famous con artist Ted Lynch, who has already robbed approximately 200 people of their money in the Austin area. The other been James Raimi, who was a reported wife beater. The bodies were mutilated beyond recognition. One of the bodies was even partly gnawed away. This is Josh Cortez for signing off.
Jack then picks up the TV remote and clicks off the TV, in disgust.
Jack
That…that is sssssiiiiiiiicccckk…
Jack then gets up off the coach and begins to walk forward, but collapses asleep
Ext. alleyway **Dream** B&W
We see something starting running down an alleyway at a group of people, two in the front, and one in the back. As he is about to get to the person within the alley, they turn their head 90 degrees. The screen goes black
Voice
Has no memory, this one does.
Int. room in Jacks apartment
Erica is over Jack, shaking him awake
Erica
Come on, you fell asleep…we got to go meet Alex. This prick wants it right now.
Jack
How long have I been asleep?
Erica
Damn prick…Oh! Not that long, a few minutes maybe. I just found you.
Jack
Ok, good…I won’t loose much. Not THAT much, at least Let’s go; Alex is starting to get on my nerves with all the money upfront. That chick scares me!
Ext. sidewalk of a lonely street
They are walking down the street, fairly rigid, for of what they must do…give Alex the money. Jack has the bag in his hand.
Jack
Just remember, let me do the talking….I started all this. Well…you know what I mean, wanting it and all.
They then turn the corner into an alleyway, where they find Alex standing there
Alex
Where is it?
Jack
My end first, I can’t trust you that much. You could split on me after you have the money.
Alex
Ok, ok…here it is.
Alex rummages through her pocket and pulls out a bag of white powder
Alex
Ok…here it is, if you’re THAT paranoid.
Jacks’ eyes gleam all over; he drops the bag of money and tastes the powder
Jack
This…this is perfect.
Jacks’ head bends down as Alex and Erica keep speaking
Alex
Now…where is my money! Your not bullshitting me like you did Joseph.
Erica
It’s right here. I can’t believe you couldn’t see the brown bag.
(She bends down, grabbing the money, and hands it to Alex. Alex looks into it, and brings her head back up and scowls)
Alex
This isn’t all of it!! I am not as lenient as Joe was. Where is the rest of the money?
Jack then comes to his senses, yet still grasping the bag, and goes over to Alex solemnly
Jack
It’s all I could get together; we will pay you back later…. I promise! Really!
Alex
I’ll reiterate, where’s the REST of the money!
Something starts rushing at Alex from behind with them still bickering over the money. As she pulls back to hit Jack, the thing takes her and we find out it’s the killer! It grabs Alex’s arm and starts to rush her away, with Jack and Erica staring in horror. She is then pulled back into an alleyway and killed! Jack and Erica then start to run as fast as their feet take them…forgetting the money. Jack then runs back and picks up the moneybag and rushes off.
Erica
We have to go to Tim, and quick! Maybe he’ll know what to do…he always does.
Jack and Erica then run down to a building where Tim is working and they bust through the swinging doors to meet him, when Jack drops off to slumber land again
Int. Hallway in an apartment building B&W
You see a man looking down the hall at a couple fixing to go into there apartment, when a dark figure rushes at him, knocking him to the room right next to him, with him looking at the last second. The door shuts, with you only hearing the screams and tears of this man, the screen goes black
Voice: *laughter* He has NO idea what’s gonna happen.
Int. Tim’s Building
As the black screen fades away, we see Jack lying on the floor, then suddenly jerking his body erect to a sitting position. He gets up to see a lonely man looking at him
Jack
Narcolepsy, it’s a bitch.
Jack walks to where Erica and Tim are
Jack
How long was I out?
Tim
About 5 minutes…and Erica has told me what happened. Poor Alex…you must report this. If you don’t…
Erica
We know that Tim, but with our background with cocaine, we could be jailed with aggravating the police. They would never believe that we just saw a Killer come rushing out of the darkness and nab a dealer. Really, they might even try to book us for suspicion of murder.
Tim
Yeah, but that’s just a small possibility. If you report this, and they catch this killer, yall could be heroes! I can see the headlines now “Young couple nabs the Cannibal Killer”. Yall will be known everywhere for getting the terrible…umm…uhh…Rowsdower?
Erica
Rowsdower? What the hell type of name is that? Did you just make that up?
Tim
Hey…don’t shoot me; it’s just a suggestion. I have been watching TV too much though…
Jack
Maybe, Tim, but our involvement with the coke REALLY screws us over for any national hero titles. National Heroes till they find out our pasts.
Tim
Whatever, it’s your own grave guys. Here, let me take you back to your apartment and we can have some food and talk there. Did you bring a car?
Erica
No. What, like we would DRIVE down the block?
Tim
Down the block! You RAN all the way here! Damn….you must have been completely scared shitless. Well, lets get walking.
Ext. Desolate Sidewalk
The killer is stalking down the streets, when he comes upon a couple with the woman seemingly overpowering the poor small man
Women
IF you don’t do it RIGHT now, you don’t get your money, which gets your smack! And poor lil worker bee can’t function without little worker bee’s smack, now CAN he! You become your REGULAR self without smack.
Man
But I just got back from the last job! I can’t do it anymore…*sob*
Women
Stop crying! Do it or no smack for you!
Man *in a grumbling manner*
Ok…ok…*sniffle*
The man starts to walk away, as we see the women getting taken down by the now aptly named Rowsdower and killed. The man turns back around to see what’s going on. He sees what has just happened. His face slowly turns into a most joyous look
Man
Thank…you…so much!
He then latches on to the Killer in a big hug, the killer looks a but uncomfortable, He then pushes him away
Killer
Death comes to those who deserve it.
Rowsdower then smiles very insanely and proceeds to drag the man away into an alley, and you hear a scream. Rowsdower then looks up at a building…it’s Jacks!
Int. Hallway of Jacks building
Tim, Jack, and Erica are by Jacks apartment room door
Tim
Ok, here ya go. Are you sure you don’t want to call the cops…it would be pretty bad if ‘Rowsdower’ came back for you! Hehehe…
Jack
Don’t tease Tim, who knows what could happen!
Erica
Yeah. Don’t be an asshole Tim.
Tim
Ok, ok….you don’t have to rip out my heart guys….
Tim then turns around, and walks to the end of the hall. He then turns back around to say something to them
Tim
Oh, and by the way-
Suddenly, you see a black flash in the screen with Tim getting pushed away into an open apartment door. The door slams, while Jack and Erica run down to help. You hear scratches and slashes and screams emit from the room. Jack tries the knob, but to no avail
Erica
TIM! Oh my god, TIM! Get outta there!
Jack
TIM! We’ll get you outta there! Just hold on! I have to find something…
Jack then runs back to his room and rummages around but finds nothing
Jack
Ok…screw it! I’m kicking it in.
Jack then starts trying to kick the door in. Once, Twice, and on third it opens with a bang. You see the window open, and a long blood trail going out the window. Jack rushes to the window to hopefully see something.
Jack
What…the…HELL! Tim oh god, not Tim. DAMNIT! What was that-
Jack suddenly falls over, into a deep sleep as you hear Erica screaming
Erica
No Jack, not now!
Int. Hallway B&W Dream
Something starts rushing down from a window in the hall. It takes a left, then a right as it sees a girl standing there backing out of a door. It gets closer, and closer until it finally gets to her and you hear a scream.
Voice
Goodbye.
Int. Room in Apartment
Jack is once again lying on the floor. He pops up suddenly to see Erica backing out of a door
Jack
Come back in Erica! NOW! Get back in here! The Killer!
But it is to late, Erica has already been nabbed and dragged out of view. Jack gets up and runs to the door. As he stops, he picks up a knife on a drawer
Jack
Erica!! Just hold on!
Jack starts running down the hall, getting a glimpse of them each time he turns a corner. He then sees an open door in the hallway he was running down. He runs to the door, to see ‘dower perching over poor fallen Erica
Jack
YOU BASTARD!! Why!! Why are you doing this to me!!
Rowsdower
Now…usually we ‘psycho’ killers would give you a long drawn out explanation. You know, like you killed my brother in a stupid stunt. Or you killed my father by burning him to death. But, since I have already been talking to you this long…why not I just kill you know and get it out of the way.
Rowsdower gives a BIG smile. Jack runs at Rowsdower, only to be stricken back down. He puts his foot on his throat, the blood from Erica dripping on him, and is about to off him, when you hear Erica rouse a little bit. Rowsdower looks away for a minor second, but that’s enough for Jack. He pushes the Killer down and starts to run for it down the hall, while you hear Rowsdower start to yell loudly. As he runs down the hall, he cuts around the corner and crouches. You see his eyes go wild, as if searching for an answer. Then they suddenly stop
Jack
Oh my god-
Jack falls over into his deep slumber
Int. Bedroom
Jack is lying in bed, as he wakes back up
Jack
Thanks for getting me back to my room….I don’t remember anything other than zonking out in that hall after running some….I can’t even remember what I was running from, if I even was. Damn you Narcolepsy!
The screen cuts to black as you hear Erica’s voice
Erica
What?
End
Narcolepsy
Int. Apartment Hallway
Jack is running down the hall at a fast speed with no apparent reason. His eyes darting frantically eyes the camera closes in on his head as he darts then stops around a corner
Jack
I have to go back-!
He then falls over, appearing to be dead….yet only in a deep slumber while the screen goes black with the words Quick Prologue flash on the screen
Voice
Death. That is what falls around our hero, or coward? Death. All around him it appears, but…he can’t remember it. Stupid disease.
Screen fades from the screen to Jack in his bed in his apartment room. He pushes himself up, and looks around…trying to figure out who got him there, when he sees his girlfriend walk around the corner
Jack
Thanks for getting me back to my room….I don’t remember anything other than zonking out in that hall after running some….I can’t even remember what I was running from, if I even was. Damn you Narcolepsy!
Erica
What?
Erica looks at Jack a little funny, kinda like a what-the-hell-you-talking-about look, and cocks her head to the side
Erica
Whatever….umm, I have some bad news.
Jack
What?
Jack gives Erica a look of both concern and anger, for like he can expect what to hear
Erica
Well….Alex needs the money now, not next week-
Jack
Now that IS something I remember. I gave her that money already; you were there with me!
Erica
What? No you didn’t, you still have the money on the dresser. Check it.
Jack staggers over to the dresser, and picks up the paper bag.
Jack
Well, hell… look at that. Guess it even interferes with work…..
Jack puts the money down back on the dresser
Jack
We’ll give it to her when we go out. Easy as that, no troubles.
Jack puts his hands on her shoulders, until she nods. He nods back and she exits to the other room, while Jack gets on the couch and turns on the television
TV News Announcer
The murderer is still on the loose. He has already killed 10 people, yet the police have only been able to locate 2 of the bodies. One of them is said to be the famous con artist Ted Lynch, who has already robbed approximately 200 people of their money in the Austin area. The other been James Raimi, who was a reported wife beater. The bodies were mutilated beyond recognition. One of the bodies was even partly gnawed away. This is Josh Cortez for signing off.
Jack then picks up the TV remote and clicks off the TV, in disgust.
Jack
That…that is sssssiiiiiiiicccckk…
Jack then gets up off the coach and begins to walk forward, but collapses asleep
Ext. alleyway **Dream** B&W
We see something starting running down an alleyway at a group of people, two in the front, and one in the back. As he is about to get to the person within the alley, they turn their head 90 degrees. The screen goes black
Voice
Has no memory, this one does.
Int. room in Jacks apartment
Erica is over Jack, shaking him awake
Erica
Come on, you fell asleep…we got to go meet Alex. This prick wants it right now.
Jack
How long have I been asleep?
Erica
Damn prick…Oh! Not that long, a few minutes maybe. I just found you.
Jack
Ok, good…I won’t loose much. Not THAT much, at least Let’s go; Alex is starting to get on my nerves with all the money upfront. That chick scares me!
Ext. sidewalk of a lonely street
They are walking down the street, fairly rigid, for of what they must do…give Alex the money. Jack has the bag in his hand.
Jack
Just remember, let me do the talking….I started all this. Well…you know what I mean, wanting it and all.
They then turn the corner into an alleyway, where they find Alex standing there
Alex
Where is it?
Jack
My end first, I can’t trust you that much. You could split on me after you have the money.
Alex
Ok, ok…here it is.
Alex rummages through her pocket and pulls out a bag of white powder
Alex
Ok…here it is, if you’re THAT paranoid.
Jacks’ eyes gleam all over; he drops the bag of money and tastes the powder
Jack
This…this is perfect.
Jacks’ head bends down as Alex and Erica keep speaking
Alex
Now…where is my money! Your not bullshitting me like you did Joseph.
Erica
It’s right here. I can’t believe you couldn’t see the brown bag.
(She bends down, grabbing the money, and hands it to Alex. Alex looks into it, and brings her head back up and scowls)
Alex
This isn’t all of it!! I am not as lenient as Joe was. Where is the rest of the money?
Jack then comes to his senses, yet still grasping the bag, and goes over to Alex solemnly
Jack
It’s all I could get together; we will pay you back later…. I promise! Really!
Alex
I’ll reiterate, where’s the REST of the money!
Something starts rushing at Alex from behind with them still bickering over the money. As she pulls back to hit Jack, the thing takes her and we find out it’s the killer! It grabs Alex’s arm and starts to rush her away, with Jack and Erica staring in horror. She is then pulled back into an alleyway and killed! Jack and Erica then start to run as fast as their feet take them…forgetting the money. Jack then runs back and picks up the moneybag and rushes off.
Erica
We have to go to Tim, and quick! Maybe he’ll know what to do…he always does.
Jack and Erica then run down to a building where Tim is working and they bust through the swinging doors to meet him, when Jack drops off to slumber land again
Int. Hallway in an apartment building B&W
You see a man looking down the hall at a couple fixing to go into there apartment, when a dark figure rushes at him, knocking him to the room right next to him, with him looking at the last second. The door shuts, with you only hearing the screams and tears of this man, the screen goes black
Voice: *laughter* He has NO idea what’s gonna happen.
Int. Tim’s Building
As the black screen fades away, we see Jack lying on the floor, then suddenly jerking his body erect to a sitting position. He gets up to see a lonely man looking at him
Jack
Narcolepsy, it’s a bitch.
Jack walks to where Erica and Tim are
Jack
How long was I out?
Tim
About 5 minutes…and Erica has told me what happened. Poor Alex…you must report this. If you don’t…
Erica
We know that Tim, but with our background with cocaine, we could be jailed with aggravating the police. They would never believe that we just saw a Killer come rushing out of the darkness and nab a dealer. Really, they might even try to book us for suspicion of murder.
Tim
Yeah, but that’s just a small possibility. If you report this, and they catch this killer, yall could be heroes! I can see the headlines now “Young couple nabs the Cannibal Killer”. Yall will be known everywhere for getting the terrible…umm…uhh…Rowsdower?
Erica
Rowsdower? What the hell type of name is that? Did you just make that up?
Tim
Hey…don’t shoot me; it’s just a suggestion. I have been watching TV too much though…
Jack
Maybe, Tim, but our involvement with the coke REALLY screws us over for any national hero titles. National Heroes till they find out our pasts.
Tim
Whatever, it’s your own grave guys. Here, let me take you back to your apartment and we can have some food and talk there. Did you bring a car?
Erica
No. What, like we would DRIVE down the block?
Tim
Down the block! You RAN all the way here! Damn….you must have been completely scared shitless. Well, lets get walking.
Ext. Desolate Sidewalk
The killer is stalking down the streets, when he comes upon a couple with the woman seemingly overpowering the poor small man
Women
IF you don’t do it RIGHT now, you don’t get your money, which gets your smack! And poor lil worker bee can’t function without little worker bee’s smack, now CAN he! You become your REGULAR self without smack.
Man
But I just got back from the last job! I can’t do it anymore…*sob*
Women
Stop crying! Do it or no smack for you!
Man *in a grumbling manner*
Ok…ok…*sniffle*
The man starts to walk away, as we see the women getting taken down by the now aptly named Rowsdower and killed. The man turns back around to see what’s going on. He sees what has just happened. His face slowly turns into a most joyous look
Man
Thank…you…so much!
He then latches on to the Killer in a big hug, the killer looks a but uncomfortable, He then pushes him away
Killer
Death comes to those who deserve it.
Rowsdower then smiles very insanely and proceeds to drag the man away into an alley, and you hear a scream. Rowsdower then looks up at a building…it’s Jacks!
Int. Hallway of Jacks building
Tim, Jack, and Erica are by Jacks apartment room door
Tim
Ok, here ya go. Are you sure you don’t want to call the cops…it would be pretty bad if ‘Rowsdower’ came back for you! Hehehe…
Jack
Don’t tease Tim, who knows what could happen!
Erica
Yeah. Don’t be an asshole Tim.
Tim
Ok, ok….you don’t have to rip out my heart guys….
Tim then turns around, and walks to the end of the hall. He then turns back around to say something to them
Tim
Oh, and by the way-
Suddenly, you see a black flash in the screen with Tim getting pushed away into an open apartment door. The door slams, while Jack and Erica run down to help. You hear scratches and slashes and screams emit from the room. Jack tries the knob, but to no avail
Erica
TIM! Oh my god, TIM! Get outta there!
Jack
TIM! We’ll get you outta there! Just hold on! I have to find something…
Jack then runs back to his room and rummages around but finds nothing
Jack
Ok…screw it! I’m kicking it in.
Jack then starts trying to kick the door in. Once, Twice, and on third it opens with a bang. You see the window open, and a long blood trail going out the window. Jack rushes to the window to hopefully see something.
Jack
What…the…HELL! Tim oh god, not Tim. DAMNIT! What was that-
Jack suddenly falls over, into a deep sleep as you hear Erica screaming
Erica
No Jack, not now!
Int. Hallway B&W Dream
Something starts rushing down from a window in the hall. It takes a left, then a right as it sees a girl standing there backing out of a door. It gets closer, and closer until it finally gets to her and you hear a scream.
Voice
Goodbye.
Int. Room in Apartment
Jack is once again lying on the floor. He pops up suddenly to see Erica backing out of a door
Jack
Come back in Erica! NOW! Get back in here! The Killer!
But it is to late, Erica has already been nabbed and dragged out of view. Jack gets up and runs to the door. As he stops, he picks up a knife on a drawer
Jack
Erica!! Just hold on!
Jack starts running down the hall, getting a glimpse of them each time he turns a corner. He then sees an open door in the hallway he was running down. He runs to the door, to see ‘dower perching over poor fallen Erica
Jack
YOU BASTARD!! Why!! Why are you doing this to me!!
Rowsdower
Now…usually we ‘psycho’ killers would give you a long drawn out explanation. You know, like you killed my brother in a stupid stunt. Or you killed my father by burning him to death. But, since I have already been talking to you this long…why not I just kill you know and get it out of the way.
Rowsdower gives a BIG smile. Jack runs at Rowsdower, only to be stricken back down. He puts his foot on his throat, the blood from Erica dripping on him, and is about to off him, when you hear Erica rouse a little bit. Rowsdower looks away for a minor second, but that’s enough for Jack. He pushes the Killer down and starts to run for it down the hall, while you hear Rowsdower start to yell loudly. As he runs down the hall, he cuts around the corner and crouches. You see his eyes go wild, as if searching for an answer. Then they suddenly stop
Jack
Oh my god-
Jack falls over into his deep slumber
Int. Bedroom
Jack is lying in bed, as he wakes back up
Jack
Thanks for getting me back to my room….I don’t remember anything other than zonking out in that hall after running some….I can’t even remember what I was running from, if I even was. Damn you Narcolepsy!
The screen cuts to black as you hear Erica’s voice
Erica
What?
End
