....As you make your way towards the center of town, you see a sign for The Tilted Unicorn, a tavern, up ahead. It is a worn-down place, filled with the tales of a thousand different lands from men of all walks of life and species. Men like yourself.
The door swings open and a tall fellow walks-or is thrown-out onto the street. He stands up, dazed, and looks towards the bar. He smiles, obviously soused.
The fellow stands about six feet tall, with gold locks curled upon his head. You can smell the stench from here and see the flies buzzing around his unwashed hair and beard. His trousers fit loosly around his long legs, and his pale chest can be seen under his torn tunic. He wears a circular cap cocked back on his forehead. Aside from his thick boots and leather vest, the only thing of value on his body is an amulet hanging underneath his shirt. The shape is strange, but you remember it as a Jerusalem Cross.
Staggering down the street, still smiling, he sings an old folk tune.
“I’m drunk toooodayyyyyy...and I’m rareeeellly sooooober...I wish I had wings to flyyyyy...to flyyyyyy....”
The sight of your armor and weapons interrupts his song .
“Ah,” he says, “Good gentlemen. God has informed me of your quest. Granted, I was in the middle of a beautiful act so often performed by men, women, dogs, and sheep-sometimes all at once, but this was not the case here, yet the Almighty, my saviour, who rescued me from a drunken haze one dreary night with a flash of light and set me on my feet. He didn’t mind the drunken part much, but it was the wasteful nature of my youthful days spent in a town like this one, up North, you see, that made him quite angry. That’s why, I suppose, he took from me everything he could--my friends, my sentry position at the castle-chief of the guards, y’know, a Lieutenant, my beautiful wife Charmine and our daughter Abigail, just six months when God’s fever took them.”
He pauses for dramatic effect. The man is performing for you, but a sincerity and truth lies beneath his words. After several moments he continues.
“That was six years ago. SIX!” He shouts, startling you. “However, the rest of the tune you know, I became a drunken buffoon, doomed to waste away in taverns and inns, the friend everyone knows but no one speaks of. I have them-or did, anyway-and you do too, there’s no denying it, yet God had other things planned for me. Now, instead of being a simple drunkard, I am an talented simple drunkard, wandering these lands and living off my wits, doing as He will have me do. And now, He has led me to you. Or, as I wrote in song, part of an epic poem called Darkness Loathes The Light of God-
I am just a poor boy, though my story’s seldom told
I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles
Such are promises
All lies in jest! Still the man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest
When I left my home and family, I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers with the quiet of a sentry station
Left them scared! Laying low, seeking out the poor reporters where the ragged people go, looking for the places only they would know
Lai-la-lai, lai la la lai, lai la lai, la la la la la la la la lai!
Seeking only workman’s wages, I come looking for a job
But I get no offers-”
He pauses. A confused look fills his face, then a charming grin breaks out. It’s endearing as he bows to you, interrupting his performance.
“Yes, yes, I know, what happens to our feckless hero that is I, that is what you wonder. And find out you shall! But I must depart, however briefly, to retrive an item only temporarilly lost. My knapsack, you see, carrying all my personal possesions save my body, which I joyfully lost while in the arms of a tender young babe named Samantha. One moment, gentlemen-”
The man swings open the door to the tavern, bronze light spilling out in a rectangle onto the dirt street. He steps in, and immediatly you hear the cries of “OUT!” from men and women.
“Ah, dear fellows, you see, I have returned, sober and ready for another roll in the hay...Caroline, my dear, let’s retire upstairs to experience God’s love through me. Come, I’ll show you the true meaning of ‘infinate love’.... No? Perhaps a game of ‘Hurl The Halfling’, bets beginning at two silver pieces per yard...I guess not!...Well then, now that I have retrieved my possessions, I must depart...I know, I know you are all disappointed that you have spent too little time with so much greatnesss, yet I must leave you. The Heavenly Father, far above us all but most certainly above you, has called me, and I must answer. He’s God, after all...Do not patronize me with your looks, they will get you nowhere!...Still, I must leave you with something...A song!
All my bags are packed
I’m ready to go
I’m standing here out-
Salvadore, everyone loves a critic but your language is IN-ex-CUS-able!...If you do not cease I will be forced to respond in kind...I see. A joke. An orc, a dwarf, and an elf walk into a church...”
The noise from inside the Tilting Unicorn grows louder, obscuring the rest of the joke. All you hear is the punchline “So that’s why orcs count elves as their unnatural ancestors!” followed by screams of “OUT!” and offended laughter.
The man, wearing a large knapsack and carrying a wooden quarterstaff, walks out of the bar. Before he walks towards you, he drops his trousers and shows his buttocks towards the bar.
“Wankers!” he shouts.
Pulling up his pants, he approaches you.
“Gentlemen, great warriors, I implore you, was my humor adequate?”
A rough growl comes from behind him, a figure standing in the shadows. “Not funny. Orcs not elf. Orcs ORC!”
He turns and looks up at the figure, a massive half-orc eight feet tall with arms able to lift a fully weighed quarterhorse.
“Oh, Uggind, have my difficult words offended your impertinent sensiblities.” He claps a hand to his mouth in mock terror. “I should have known better before telling that nasty joke.”
The half-orc points a crooked finger the size of a pork sausage at him. “You mean. Me of-of-of-en-” His voice strains around the syllables.
“Come, now, dear fellow,” the rogue says. “I know you can get that wretched tongue of yours around more than two syllables. In fact, you might even be able-”
Uggind stops trying to state his anger and begins showing it. He swings a gnarled paw at the rogue, who steps out of the way. The half-orc, not the greatest of fighters, swings again, staggering down the street. The rogue dashes out of the way each time, dancing between his paws, spinning around on the quarterstaff like a ferocious acrobat.
“ARGGHHHHHH!!!” Uggind screams. He charges the rogue.
Without missing a beat, the rogue drops the staff and the dashing act. He spreads his stance and waits for the half-orc to charge him. Speeding up, Uggind bends over for maximum impact.
Just before Uggind crashes into the stranger, the man steps out of the way. He does not escape without hitting the half-orc, colliding into his upper chest before ducking under the orc’s beefy arm.
Uggind runs a few feet further, then drops to his knees. A gilt dagger lies in his upper chest-precisely where the rogue hit him.
The rogue saunters forward and withdraws the dagger. Uggind collapses into the street with a great thunder.
The rogue faces you.
“Don’t worry, dear chaps, our friend Uggind is not harmed, he’s merely sleeping. See, in my travels to the East, I met a most attractive lady by the name of Lee. After we got to “know” each other, she tried to poison me. But I had gained wisdom in the art of poison while walking the roads of the Western East, and thus resisted. She recognized my quest for knowledge, and taught me her ways, both chemical and carnal. And thus I was able to stabilize our friend, the orc, here before us, without harm to myself or himself. Granted, he’ll have a serious ache in his arse come morn, but that does come with the territory, does it not? I rather think it does.”
Seeing your impatience with his length of words, he skips over the history and goes straight to the introduction.
“Ah, yes, well, let’s get straight to the meat and potatoes of this journey, shall we? The Almighty has informed me of your names, so I must introduce myself to you. I am Peter of the North, rogue, scholar, bard, poet, drunkard, and gentleman. Friend to friendless, hope for the hopless, preacher for the unconverted, warrior for the Lord, servant of Christ, and finder of lost antiquites. But you can call me Pete.”
He reaches into his vest pocket and takes out a bag of coins with a flourish. The bag is made of flesh, commonly used by orcs and their kin to store valuables.
Pete looks at you, grinning. He tosses the bag up into the air. “And in times of crisis, do I panic? I think not!”
He catches the bag and rolls it back into his pocket.
Pete reaches over, picks up his staff, and looks towards the road out of town.
“And now, it is time for the grand adventure to begin.”