Chewer Fantasy

In the spirit of making at least one thread that doesn't turn into a bitchfest, post here and I will decide which fantasy creature you resemble.

Note: All fantasy creatures will be invented on the spot and NOT STOLEN FROM THE ONION, DAMN IT. Fantasy creatures will have absolutely nothing to do with your personality, and no offense is intended. Random is the name of the game here. Post if you're interested.

BOOMSTICK is a Gornack

Def.--Gornacks are peaceful, harmless mountain goats characterized by their shaggy yellow fur and their insatiable appetite for toads. Due to their delicious goaty aroma, their flesh has long been prized as a delicacy in many regions. When attempting to capture Gornacks, toad costumes are reccommended.

COYOTE is a Flubberworm.

Def.--Flubberworms are found in various locations across various dimensions, including the Stumpdock Woods in Rhyyne, Howler's Mount in Teth, and Rosie O'Donnell's colon in Earth. They possess the remarkable ability to duplicate themselves when injured, with the only noticeable side-effect being a dramatic increase in the appreciation of Show Tunes. When dealing with a Flubberworm, instant and brutal incineration is reccommended. Especially on Earth.

VERBAL is a Leghump

Def.--One of nature's least popular creatures on its native world of Vennio 7, the Leghump is a distant relation to Earth's canines. They share many of a dog's traits and characteristics, including the trait that has inspired the Leghump's name. A Leghump's unpopularity, however, stems from its knife-like nine inch penis, which is covered with razor sharp barbs of serrated steel. When dealing with Leghumps, very thick pants are advised.

ROMMELL is a Thed.

Def.--Theds are tiny, bristle-covered woodland creatures that display remarkable dedication during their short lives. Upon birth, young Theds set off upon a fantastic journey, crossing thousands of miles, across wastelands, through desolate swamps, and over the highest mountain range in the land, until they finally arrive at their destination. This destination, however, is merely a rock. The Theds mill about for a bit, terribly confused, wondering why their instincts have mercilessly driven them to visit this spot. Then they wander off to die, lost and confused. I said they were dedicated creatures. I said nothing about being *intelligent* ones.

BLUNT is a Buseynipple.

Def.--Buseynipples are strange, pinkish circular creatures that often remain in one spot for nearly their entire adult lives. In one of the Universe's most perplexing mysteries, they are found through practically every dimension, but they only attach themselves to beings named Gary Busey, hence their name. Often a pair of Buseynipples will attach themselves to the chest of a Gary Busey and remain there for life, only leaving the host's body while it sleeps. During these times, the Buseynipples often have fantastic and incredibly exciting adventures. The Gary Buseys suspect nothing.

GRAVEDIGGER41 is a Greenbird of Shittiness

Def.--Similar to Earth's Bluebird of Happiness, the dimension of Nubbins is host to a very strange bird who many believe is merely a myth. Numerous eyewitnesses, however, attest to the existence of the Greenbird of Shittiness. Unlike the Bluebird of Happiness, which spreads cheer and goodwill everywhere it goes, the Greenbird is noteworthy for its habit of flying through your bedroom window and shitting all over the place. The Greenbird's distinguishing characteristics include its brillaint green plumage, its distinctive birdcall ("Haw HAW! Haw HAW!"), and the trail of fetid and diseased shit it leaves in its wake. When dealing with a Greenbird of Shittiness, a poncho is advised.

KITTYINJAMMIES is a Deathroar.

Def.--Deathroar is a frightening and clumsily-drawn creature that exists in the notebooks of San Diego sixth-grader Mitch Phillips. Defining characteristics include its sharp teeth, vicious blades, and the tendency to eat artistic representations of people who have bullied Mitch Phillips recently. The Deathroar's diet consists of most of the teachers at Kennedy Junior High School, as well as Todd Markowitz, who, according to documentation from Phillips, is a "major douchebag." Care should be taken when approaching the Deathroar, as apparently it has recently sprouted arms, which is uses to hold a very large machine gun.

SMILIN' JACK RUBY is a Heckle.

Def.--Heckles are commonly located in North America, although they are rarely seen. These tiny, pallid creatures have an insatiable love for movies, which they tend to accept as reality rather than fiction. Their habitat consists of North American movie theaters, where they enjoy shouting out advice, criticisms, and incessant commentary to the characters on the movie screen, perhaps under some mistaken impression that the characters can actually hear them. They are generally found lurking beneath the seats of drunken college students, teenage girls, and African Americans of all shapes and sizes. If confronted by a Heckle, a steady chorus of "Hey, shut the fuck up!" is often sufficient to drive the beast back into hiding.

ANDRE DELLEMORTE is a Pee Wee Turtle.

Def.--Residing in the swamp land of Kathlamserwhumpazor, the Pee Wee Turtle is a small creature that shares a zesty love of biting unsuspecting visitors in uncomfortable places. Its name is derived from both its diminutive size and its unfortunate tendency to furiously masturbate in porno theaters. If confronted by a Pee Wee Turtle, protect all extremities while offering a token sacrifice of pornography to the beast. This should provide sufficient time for escape. If not, choose which body part you like least.

SEAN BATEMAN is a Bass-Ackward.

Def--suoixonbo etiuq yllaer s'tI. sdrawkcab gnikaeps ylno yb esle ydobyreve yonna ot tfig siht sesu ti, yletanutrofnU. hceeps fo tfig eht depoleved sah, erutaerc citauqa railucep a, drawkcA-ssaB.

ZAZU is a Great Green Oink.

Def.--Revered by the native tribe of Walhump, the Great Green Oinks are small, timid creatures who often seem quite unsure what exactly they have done to deserve their god-like status among the natives. Their name is particularly perplexing considering that they are extremely average creatures who are not, in fact, green. Their oinking status is as of yet unconfirmed, but scientists are not ruling out the possibility. "After all," they say, "Many things oink." The only general consensus among the scientific community is that the natives of Walhump are indeed very, very stupid people. If confronted by a Great Green Oink, kill it and eat it. Their flesh is delicious, and it will make the natives cry. Which, let's face it, is kind of fun.

FLYERS is a VX2317

Def.--On the technologically advanced world of Four (the one right beside Three), genetic scientists strove to create the world's most perfect animal, codenamed the VX2317. The scientists planned to give the creature the size of an elephant, the beauty of a butterfly, the speed of a gnat, the intelligence of a dolphin, and the strength of a moose. As a special gift, the creators also threw in the penis of a full-grown horse. Due to a clerical error, however, the ensuing creature had the beauty of an elephant, the intelligence of a butterfly, the stregth of a dolphin, the speed of a moose, and the size of a gnat. It retained, however, the horse-sized penis.

If you see one laying in the road, don't pick it up. They are not pleasant creatures.

JENNIFER is an Aurolore.

Def.--Ancient creatures older than time itself, Aurolores are beings of pure energy. Slipping easily through the timestreams that bind our dimensions together, these creatures radiate the peace and widsom of the ages. Many theorize that Aurolores are perhaps the most advanced of all species in existence. Despite these sterling credentials, they are not popular creatures, since Aurolores spend approximately 98% of their waking hours hiding in our bathrooms, watching us poop. They have strange priorities.

I'm not gonna love you twice. That costs extra.

EYEBALL KID is a Red-Breasted Crotch Weasel.

Def.--Half of this majestic burrowing creature's name is derived from the bright red patch of fur that grows on its chest in a beautiful arc of color. The other half of its name, unfortunately, is derived from *where* the creature likes to burrow.

JHEREK is a Hickfish.

Def.--Hickfish, native to the golden oceans of Rehnor IV, are considered some of the most intellectually-developed aquatic creatures in all the known universe. Despite not having arms or legs, they have managed to construct crude coral tools which they have used to erect massive underwater monuments and cities that stretch out as far as the eye can see. These accomplishments are overshadowed, unfortunately, by the Hickfish's tendency to have frantic, screaming sex with his sister.

AGHORA is a Lindo Jumper.

Def.--Strange, lithe creatures that vaugely resemble misproportioned trolls, Lindo Jumpers have the magical ability to leap from one dimension to the next, labeling them as the most prolific tourists in the universes. They share little interest in trying to affect the outcome of history, instead prefering to use their powers to share the gospel of their Cult of Delroy Lindo with unsuspecting creatures throughout the dimensions. If approached by a Lindo Jumper, graciously accept their pamphlets, then slowly back away from the creature, never breaking eye contact. Under no circumstance should you question the godhood of Delroy Lindo. They find this to be a very touchy subject.

Our next two creatures represent some of the bizzare choices that evolution occasionally makes.

JACOB SINGER is a Rainbow-Striped Dasher

Def.--Many creatures evolve a protective camoflauge to hide themselves from either predators or prey. None is so woefully ineffective, however, as the camoflauge used by the Rainbow-Striped Dasher. Frantic to find some sort of rainbow-colored surface to hide next to, the Dashers spent an exhausting amount of time racing from one place to the next, chasing the rainbows they see in the sky. Most of them collapse and die alone in the dust. The lucky few Dashers that survive and prosper are usually found clinging to the shirts of gay men. Weep for the Rainbow-Striped Dasher.

SADAKO is a Puffermunk.

Def.--A distant relation of both Earth's blowfish and the chipmunk, the Puffermunk is a small, furry woodland creature that has evolved the peculiar ability to inflate its small body with air, hovering a few inches above the ground while its eyes bulge from its skull. Since this trait simply makes the Puffermunk much easier to catch and eat, however, one is given the sneaking suspicion that Evolution is just really fucking pissed at the Puffermunk. When confronted with a fully-inflated Puffermunk, remain calm. Then kick it. It's funny. Trust me.

DJ DYLAN is a Theramine Shitter.

Def.--The Theramine Shitter only does one thing, but it does that one thing very, very well. Consider yourself warned--bring boots.