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Taste my homespun Olde Worlde wisdom...

post #1 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:28am
Thread Starter 
Seriously, post your problems - be they health, wealth or sexual in nature - and I will give you a 100% guaranteed folklore remedy*. And then afterwards, you can burn me as a witch and dance around my ashes, singing to your toothless gods.

* this is not a guarantee.
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post #2 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:34am
Dan, when will the itching stop? I've tried calomine, hand-cream, gasoline but nothing helps. Fix me brother, fix me!
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post #3 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:35am
I cannot turn left no matter how hard I try. Please help me.
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post #4 of 68
2/9/03 at 7:14am
I have a horrible memory...

...what was the question?
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post #5 of 68
2/9/03 at 7:51am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Ugly Goblin Boy:
Dan, when will the itching stop? I've tried calomine, hand-cream, gasoline but nothing helps. Fix me brother, fix me!
Gather ye the excretia of the village goose, and prepare a poultice with hot milk and lakewater. Spread upon a dock leaf, and wrap around the inflamed member at dawn. Repeat until sterile.
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post #6 of 68
2/9/03 at 7:54am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Sean Bateman, Samurai Journalist:
I cannot turn left no matter how hard I try. Please help me.
Encaseth your head in a box made of oak from the King's forest. Using a silver sickle, blessed by the druids, carve ye a spyhole to the right of the box and wear at all times.
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post #7 of 68
2/9/03 at 7:55am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Carlone Veretta (aka Kid Ego):
I have a horrible memory...

...what was the question?
Your thoughts are being stolen by succubi, sent by the devil himself. Cease the inhalation of the five-leafed herb, and rational thought shall return.
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post #8 of 68
2/9/03 at 12:02pm
I have 2 problems dan:

1) I need a cure for this nasty hangover from which i am suffering.

2) Even though i have a 9.3 rating at hotornot.com, i couldn't get any girls to dance with me last night at the club.
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post #9 of 68
2/9/03 at 12:27pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Mr. Krueger:
I need a cure for this nasty hangover from which i am suffering.
Sleep ye with a birch twig under your head, and wren's feet in the mouth.

Quote:
Mr. Krueger:
Even though i have a 9.3 rating at hotornot.com, i couldn't get any girls to dance with me last night at the club.
Take ye a sampling of hair from the head of the one you desire, and burn it to ash on the equinox. Then make ye a paste from yon ashes, with crushed mistletoe and the seed of a prize bullock. Apply paste to the chest, and the maiden shall be thine.
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post #10 of 68
2/9/03 at 1:50pm
This Dan Whitehead does verily make traffic with the Lord Most Unholy Lucifer! For only one so bedeviled wouldst claim such arcane learnings and bandy them as would the Godly bestow their blessings on one another! Let ye be cleansed in the healing fire of the Lord!!!

-- Witchfinder Von Sinister
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post #11 of 68
2/9/03 at 2:40pm
I have an extra toe....growing out of my stomach. Should I be worried?
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post #12 of 68
2/9/03 at 2:42pm
She turned me into a newt!
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post #13 of 68
2/9/03 at 2:46pm
A newt?
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post #14 of 68
2/9/03 at 2:55pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Call:
I have an extra toe....growing out of my stomach. Should I be worried?
Ye are surely bedevilled, and must make haste to the apothecary whence to have your torso removed and buried under a hawthorne bush. Only thus can your soul be saved.
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post #15 of 68
2/9/03 at 2:56pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
chow yun fett:
She turned me into a newt!
Bother me not, son of Gingrich. Your deceptions please me nought.
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post #16 of 68
2/9/03 at 3:02pm
Your lousy medieval advice has left me nothing but a head and a pair of legs.

Where can i get a good lawyer?
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post #17 of 68
2/9/03 at 3:03pm
I have these urges....I can't control them....Please help me....
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post #18 of 68
2/9/03 at 3:19pm
Quote:
Dan Whitehead:
Encaseth your head in a box made of oak from the King's forest. Using a silver sickle, blessed by the druids, carve ye a spyhole to the right of the box and wear at all times.
Fucking brilliant man.
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post #19 of 68
2/9/03 at 3:30pm
Quote:
Call:

Where can i get a good lawyer?
:: Materializes from a puddle of stagnant water ::

"You rang sir?"

Dan: I'm part British. Any cures?
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post #20 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:10pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Call:
Your lousy medieval advice has left me nothing but a head and a pair of legs.

Where can i get a good lawyer?
He speaks after death! To the drowning pool with him!
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post #21 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:11pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Dances with Chainsaws:
I have these urges....I can't control them....Please help me....
Marry ye into the Royal Family, where ye can indulge all your basest desires free of prying eyes.
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post #22 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:13pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Smirk:
Dan: I'm part British. Any cures?
Ye must find this offending part and prick it with a needle, white of heat. If it bleeds then tis the devil's work, cut it out at once. If it bleeds not then tis the devil's work, and ye should cut it out and cast it into the river, offering up a prayer to Herne, pagan god of woodsmen, that your soul be restored.
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post #23 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:15pm
I want to see that new Mandy Moore movie. What should I do?
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post #24 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:15pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Sean Bateman, Samurai Journalist:
Fucking brilliant man.
Thou shouldst not be fucking men, brilliant or not. Do not let their firm oak-like thighs, flowing manes and barrel chests tempt you into tasting the ruggedly forbidden fruits of the male loin.
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post #25 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:26pm
I'm getting some odd horizontal lines on my screen during some fast-moving first person shooter games recently. I have the most current drivers for my Nvidia GeForce 4 4600ti, and have set the refresh rates appropriately.

What can I do to alleviate these strange video anomalies?
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post #26 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:49pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
RathBandu:
I want to see that new Mandy Moore movie. What should I do?
Get thee to a monastery.
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post #27 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:50pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Jacob Singer:
I'm getting some odd horizontal lines on my screen during some fast-moving first person shooter games recently. I have the most current drivers for my Nvidia GeForce 4 4600ti, and have set the refresh rates appropriately.

What can I do to alleviate these strange video anomalies?
Goeth to the County market and buy ye a console.
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post #28 of 68
2/9/03 at 4:53pm
Yeahhh... I got this dragon outside my house. He's just been sitting there for a few days. The post office stopped sending mail trucks to my house because this thing has eaten 12 mailmen in the last week.

Any advice, Dan?
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post #29 of 68
2/9/03 at 5:04pm
come on, seriously... is it really necessary for me to mind the gap?
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post #30 of 68
2/9/03 at 5:08pm
Every time I enter a room, all female present flock away from where I stand. Can you help me with that?
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post #31 of 68
2/9/03 at 5:11pm
Sire Whiteheade, I mayhaps been a victim of a bear's molestations for I desire creatures of my similar sex who are well-endowed with a good amount of body hair and girth. I desire to be accepted by them but I lack pelts of fur and my weight is unfortunately incomparable to these beauteous beasts. What may you recommend to ail my unfurless broken heart?
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post #32 of 68
2/9/03 at 5:22pm
Thanks Dan, the itching has stopped. Now if you've got a cure for ugly, that'd be sweet!
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post #33 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:05pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Blunt:
Every time I enter a room, all female present flock away from where I stand. Can you help me with that?
There is, I fear, no known cure for Frenchness.
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post #34 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:08pm
I hath a broken heart. Can you help me?
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post #35 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:09pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
voltes5:
Sire Whiteheade, I mayhaps been a victim of a bear's molestations for I desire creatures of my similar sex who are well-endowed with a good amount of body hair and girth. I desire to be accepted by them but I lack pelts of fur and my weight is unfortunately incomparable to these beauteous beasts. What may you recommend to ail my unfurless broken heart?
Make haste to the blacksmith, a stout man of hairy chin and considerable virility. Place a pouch of clover twixt the cheeks of his arse, and wait for moonlight. Return thence to his abode, where he shall have crafted a mating harness to accomodate your puny frame. Only then can you commence on your sickening acts of buggery, free from fear of crushing or splitting.
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post #36 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:10pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Dave Davis:
come on, seriously... is it really necessary for me to mind the gap?
If tis the gap betwixt this world, and the world of faerie folk then mind it you should. For many a foolhardy man has cast such warnings aside, and been lost to the will o' the wisp.
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post #37 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:12pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
chow yun fett:
I hath a broken heart. Can you help me?
To the moors you must go, where you must gather one hundred sprigs of heather before the noon sun. Place these sprigs in a sack of burlap, and sell them to gullible townsfolk for one gold crown apiece. Thence, take your one hundred gold crowns to Sloppy Bertha, who shall gladly take your mind from the woes of the heart with her easy virtue and pendulous breasts.
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post #38 of 68
2/9/03 at 6:14pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Cheese Biscuits:
Yeahhh... I got this dragon outside my house. He's just been sitting there for a few days. The post office stopped sending mail trucks to my house because this thing has eaten 12 mailmen in the last week.
Send word to the city of angels and request the immediate assistance of Bale and McConaughey, two knights sturdy and true, who shall slay the beast in a vaguely disappointing way.
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post #39 of 68
2/9/03 at 8:23pm
Sir, I must first congratulate thee on thy most excellent administrations to these needy peasants. However, I too am in need of thy assistance. Pray tell, how do I go about summoning the Ancient Lord Cthulhu and beseeching him his support on my quest for a fair goth maiden's booty? The summoning of his mighty multitude of tentacles is not the pressing issue; My weekly game of chess with Dagon has led to some knowledge in this field. Unfortunately, Mighty Cthulhu's insistence on driving those who look upon him mad is rather problematic. If you will, please share with me the secret of talking to the Maddening One without losing one's mind.
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post #40 of 68
2/9/03 at 11:34pm
There is a Dutchman in my house.
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post #41 of 68
2/10/03 at 12:45am
My God, this thread is screaming funny.
Dan, I sincerely hope that you visit this thread someday soon: <a href="http://chud.com/board/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=11&t=002553&p=" target="_blank">Reinterpretations of Chud Abbreviations</a>
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post #42 of 68
2/10/03 at 12:48am
I have a horrible memory...

...what was the question?
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post #43 of 68
2/10/03 at 4:57am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Sethos:
Sir, I must first congratulate thee on thy most excellent administrations to these needy peasants. However, I too am in need of thy assistance. Pray tell, how do I go about summoning the Ancient Lord Cthulhu and beseeching him his support on my quest for a fair goth maiden's booty? The summoning of his mighty multitude of tentacles is not the pressing issue; My weekly game of chess with Dagon has led to some knowledge in this field. Unfortunately, Mighty Cthulhu's insistence on driving those who look upon him mad is rather problematic. If you will, please share with me the secret of talking to the Maddening One without losing one's mind.
I believe he now hath a toll-free summoning line. Thou must calleth 1-800-UNSPEAKABLE-HORROR and presseth 5 at the prompt.
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post #44 of 68
2/10/03 at 4:59am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Adam Warren:
There is a Dutchman in my house.
Then under the true and just law of our King, you are entitled to bludgeon him with a staff of finest sycamore and devour his foul foreign flesh. Forget not that thou hast the right to bear wood.
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post #45 of 68
2/10/03 at 5:00am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Carlone Veretta (aka Kid Ego):
I have a horrible memory...

...what was the question?
Your thoughts are being stolen by succubi, sent by the devil himself. Cease the inhalation of the five-leafed herb, and rational thought shall return.
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post #46 of 68
2/10/03 at 6:30am
master Whitehead, I am being pursued by a person claiming he is entitled to bludgeon me with a staff of finest sycamore and devour my foul foreign flesh. what can I do to escape such fate?
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post #47 of 68
2/10/03 at 6:33am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Sethos:
master Whitehead, I am being pursued by a person claiming he is entitled to bludgeon me with a staff of finest sycamore and devour my foul foreign flesh. what can I do to escape such fate?
Accept your fate, heathen. Thou shouldst not have poached the King's deer.
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post #48 of 68
2/10/03 at 6:58am
Quote:
Dan Whitehead:
Quote:
Sethos:
master Whitehead, I am being pursued by a person claiming he is entitled to bludgeon me with a staff of finest sycamore and devour my foul foreign flesh. what can I do to escape such fate?
Accept your fate, heathen. Thou shouldst not have poached the King's deer.
I bow to your wisdom and shall accept my fate like the heretic I am. pray tell, are there any ways of lessening the pain of being bludgeoned and the uncomfortable nature of the subsequent flesh devouring?
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post #49 of 68
2/10/03 at 10:49am
Too....funny....must...breathe.
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post #50 of 68
2/10/03 at 11:08am
I have this really bad hangnail...
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