Taste my homespun Olde Worlde wisdom... - Page 2

What must I do to posses your talent with the quill and the young girls?

My friend seems to have lost his olde English accent. Should I tell him ?

Is there a way to get rid of a woman who does some really cruel things to try to separate me and my boyfriend? Murder is out, and I'd prefer not to sink to her level.

Christ, I wish this problem was a joke.

Real problem: I have 19 days left of actually living with my current roomie. I've leased a new place that is providing me with 2 free months so I'm leaving "worlds second worst roomie" alone with himself for two months. He makes me so angry so often that I've begun to dwell on what I can do to hurt him badly or at least make him sorry he was ever born. What are some good things I can do without getting into a lot of legal trouble. I've considered putting e-coli on the top of beer bottles and waiting for him to drink them without asking if he can have one. I've also thought about maybe framing him for a crime and then turning him in. There has to be somthing I can do to get revenge. His atrocities include:

-letting his dog make a mud and shit pit in the backyard that it wallows in and then not even cleaning off the dogs paws before it tracks mudshit in the house.
-never cleaned once.
-asks for one beer in your six pack and then drinks four before you go back for your second only to realise he drank all your beer in the time it took you to drink one.
-waits till you get some beer from a friend on sunday, doesn't even ask this time, drinks all of it but the one you had before you realised he drank all the beer.
-never gives you the money for bills or rent until you've asked fifty times. Usually about three weeks late.
-Parked his 4x4 in the yard until tire trenches tore up all the grass there, then uses your space because he "doesn't want to mess up the yard anymore" but is so dumb he doesn't realise that it's already fucked, he can't fuck it up anymore, so all he's really doing is blocking you in the driveway all the time so you have to ask him to move his shit constantly.
-claims he knows all there is to know about something, like training a dog, but then when asked to do it reveals that his dumb GED ass obviously doesn't know anything, but is too "proud" to admit he may be the world's dumbest human being.
-slices power plugs on 12v technology then plugs it into wall socket. Confused by results.
-is a drummer.

<img src="http://www.angelfire.com/yt/scully2/images/nel5.jpg" alt="" />

Haa-haa!

In that case:

My sister's being cyberstalked by some Star Wars fan with a hard-on for fake CGI sharks. Do I encourage him into the family fold or merely let them rut like bunnies (which is could be the same thing if you look at it from a Gomorrahian perspective....ayeayeaye) ?

How can I make First Consumer National Bank, who is trying to contact Daniel Profit, stop calling my work cell phone? I have made many of their callers hang up, stammer, and even cry with my stern reprimands, yet they still call.

Dost thou giveth advice to Chud ladies? Yonder field of grass slumbers, yet shall awaken with a vengeance when spring cometh. Horizontally inclined husband moweth not grass but once for every two moons, for fear of exertion. Share with me thy secrets for putting man in mowing trance, that I may not toil alone, and be proud of my humble abode in the face of fellow villagers.

Bump
I know, the shortest jokes are the best. You see, Dan Whitehead understands this. This thread was but a passing fancy for him. I, on the other hand, wish he would stretch it. *Sigh*

Yeah, no wisdom for me so I have contacted the State Office of Consumer Affairs. Those Bank fuckers got stand-offish on me last night and royally pissed me off. I wish horrible plunger rape on them all.

Okay here is the deal, I have this needle that I use all the time. I mean it is a brilliant fucking needle man, but somehow I lost it. I kinda know the area that I lost it in, but this is where I need your help. I live on a farm and I was fondling my needle when I dropped it. I dropped it in a fucking haystack. I lost my needle in a heystack. There has to be something you can help me out with. Shit, this is just embarrassing. Please.

&lt;edited for punctuation&gt;

Well shit