CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › Nick Writes Your Obituary...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Nick Writes Your Obituary... - Page 2

post #51 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:17pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Dave Davis:
I can't resist.

In Amsterdam.
Amsterdam, Holland - Dave Davis, founder and operator of the legendary JACKHAMMER FUCKIN' drive-thru whorehouse was found defeated by God in a luxurious penthouse loft he occupied with his wife, legendary porn star Virgina Scissortwat. Mr. Davis, upon leaving the New England area, made a small fortune selling pirated copies of The Pick-Up Artist on the Internet before striking the big time with his revolutionary "Screw N' Steer" technology. His head, feet, and partial torso will be cryogenically frozen until the technology exists to bring him back as a mid-level boss in a video game.
Reply
post #52 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:19pm
Douglas Michael Healy
Oslo, Norway
Reply
post #53 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:22pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Chasing Sammy (Jankis):
Sammy Jankis, and I want to change my city to Whitesville KY. About as close to the asshole of the world as you can get.
Whitesville, Kentucky - The remotely great remains of Mr. Samuel Pagefault Jankis were discovered floating on an inflatable raft on the newly created Craig Sheffer Memorial Reservoir. Mr. Jankis was best known amongst his peers as the only man in town able to juggle live rabbits while running circles around Lawrence Fishburne and his legacy will be remembered at town square where a statue by legendary creator Peyo will forever proclaim his place in history. He is survived by his wife, Old Man Walters and 13 children, all named Mudlord. His choice for burial was to be included in the Micmac Burial Mound in Bangor, Maine alongside Gage Creed.
Reply
post #54 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:27pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
misfit:
Will Mason
Santa Carla, California
Santa Carla, California - Will Mason, best known for performing the national anthem at ballgames using only a shrunken head and a roll of quarters, passed away peacefully from multiple chainsaw wounds in his home in the Santa Carla suburb known as Grand Moff Springs. He is survived by his murderer and his murderer's friends and family. His body will be presented to Excalibur star Nigel Terry as a peace offering.
Reply
post #55 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:27pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Reykjavic, Iceland - Best known for being the first man to cross the Atlantic in a hollowed out Danny Aiello, Daniel Foole is laid to rest via his preferred method which is cre-burial. A recently created method, cre-burial has the victims ashes inserted into the scalp of a customized action figure of the victim and buried in the new new mini graveyards located in McDonald's playgrounds across the globe. He is survived by his loving wife, Gertrude and his children Michael, Herman, and Ignatius-17. Mr. Foole died of natural causes while repeatedly shooting himself in the face.
LOL!!!... sweet sweet stuff...
Reply
post #56 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:30pm
Giles Edwards
Mianus, CT
Reply
post #57 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:32pm
Ames, IA
Reply
post #58 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:40pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Kid Ego costs $847.63:
Hit me, bossman.

Patrick Cusher
Paris, France
Paris, France - Patrick Cusher, best known in the adult film business as Sexwrists McPlanetarium, was found perfectly healthy last Saturday by his assassin, the legendary killer known only as Gentleman Rick and sent screaming into the afterlife by what the coroner describes as "a whole mess of killing punches". He is survived by his Asian Masseuse, two dogs (Serpentor and Gen. Douglas MacArthur), and a DVD collection that includes The David Strathairn Box Set, among others. His remains will be sent to the United States, where they will be mistaken for a shipment of Eggplant Parmigiana.
Reply
post #59 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:41pm
Thread Starter 
Taking a break to do work. Comments of the work thus far would be appreciated and/or hated.
Reply
post #60 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:42pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Taking a break to do work. Comments of the work thus far would be appreciated and/or hated.
Fall on the floor funny.
Reply
post #61 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:45pm
Damn, I was hoping to get my remains donated to Nigel Terry.

[edit]And it's all good, though the Nigel Terry thing was from SO far out of left field. It's my favorite line of the bunch so far.
Reply
post #62 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:46pm
These are hilarious, Nick! Keep up the good work.
Reply
post #63 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:47pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Taking a break to do work. Comments of the work thus far would be appreciated and/or hated.
Thus far, a whole lotta laughs, and appreciation for the Nunziata cleverness.

I better get get back to work, too. Just killed an hour in the blink of an eye.
Reply
post #64 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:47pm
I'm always impressed when someone takes on a project like this. So far so good, but within a few hours (if it isn't true already) you'll have more requests than you can handle.

It's some pretty funny stuff you've come up with so far.

Oh, and I named all 13 of my kids the same thing so one tattoo would be sufficient.
Reply
post #65 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:48pm
The JACKHAMMER FUCKIN' franchise in Missoula, MT is AMAZING.

These things are so damn funny.
Reply
post #66 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:49pm
Funnier than a burning tree full of monkeys falling on a canoe full of retarded Girl Scouts.

Keep up the good work.
Reply
post #67 of 352
4/29/03 at 12:56pm
This is amazing stuff. Somehow I always knew that fett would create the S.E.K.R.E.T. device.

You probably won't get around to me with the amount of people asking for this morbid curiosity, but in case you do:

Matt Goldberg
Minneapolis, MN
Reply
post #68 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:00pm
These obituaries are funny as hell.
Reply
post #69 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:02pm
Some truly funny stuff, Nick. These are some rather...inventive ways for people to die. I wonder how long it will be before we get a Final Destination movie dedicated to the fates of our beloved Chewers.
Reply
post #70 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:09pm
Awesome. And I hope in my case prophetic.
Reply
post #71 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:17pm
Wonderful and descriptive send offs thus far, Nunz. I can't wait to see how I was shuffled off my mortal coil. I picked a sleazy and sinful city quite purposely.
Reply
post #72 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:23pm
Anxiously awaiting the announcement of The "Hey Nunz !" Show (co hosted, of course, by Dan, The Sarcasm Pony)

A class act. Damn work, damn it to hell.
Reply
post #73 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:56pm
Your c.j.'s are flowing like Niagra. Excellent stuff!

If you have the inclination:

Robert Louis Rocco
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan
Reply
post #74 of 352
4/29/03 at 1:59pm
Mark Wheaton
Florence, Italy
Reply
post #75 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:05pm
Brendan L. Heldenfels
Memphis, Tenn.
Reply
post #76 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:09pm
Casey Moore
Somewhere in Baja, Mexico
Reply
post #77 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:14pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Taking a break to do work. Comments of the work thus far would be appreciated and/or hated.
"will be cryogenically frozen until the technology exists to bring him back as a mid-level boss in a video game."

That almost made me puke from laughing. So funny...
Reply
post #78 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:18pm
Richard Nicholas Lusk
US Outpost #31, Antartica
Reply
post #79 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:19pm
Steven Michael Guerrero
Siberia, Russia
Reply
post #80 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:21pm
Thank you Nick.

I needed the laughs that provided in ways yall don't know. That made my day so much better.
Reply
post #81 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:22pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Santa Carla, California - Will Mason, best known for performing the national anthem at ballgames using only a shrunken head and a roll of quarters, passed away peacefully from multiple chainsaw wounds in his home in the Santa Carla suburb known as Grand Moff Springs. He is survived by his murderer and his murderer's friends and family. His body will be presented to Excalibur star Nigel Terry as a peace offering.
Fucking hilarious.
Reply
post #82 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:30pm
Getting in this kinda late but...

Matt Sutton (or Matthew J Sutton, if you prefer)
New Orleans, La.
Reply
post #83 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:32pm
Awesome. Mine now adorns my cube, right next to my Misfit Reloaded picture.
Reply
post #84 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:33pm
Scissortwat and "a whole mess of killing punches"
will have me laughing for days...
Reply
post #85 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:36pm
John Carroll
Johnstown, PA
Reply
post #86 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:44pm
Quote:
Nick Nunziata:
Shinjuku District, Tokyo, Japan - The half eaten remains of Mr. Andrew Panthercheeks Sweeney, ESQ. will be laid to rest in a private ceremony this weekend at Shinjuku Funeral Home/Laundromat now that his remains have been identified by a small piece of skin with Sweeney's trademark "Born to Rent C.H.O.M.P.S." tattoo which was found in some Panda stool. Best known for being the first man to make a million dollars with a lemonade stand on his parents' street corner, Sweeney is survived by his wife Vanessa (creator of the critically acclaimed MUNCH DUNGEON fast food chain) and a mostly whole Real Doll named Melvin Hammerfeet.
A fortune teller once predicted I would die to save an endangered species. I guess that being eaten by a Giant Panda qualifies. But how did you know about my tattoo? Well written, sir.
Reply
post #87 of 352
4/29/03 at 2:46pm
Hit me.

Lunie F Cook III
The Doll House, Atlanta, Ga
Reply
post #88 of 352
4/29/03 at 3:23pm
There is absolutely no way Nick is gonna find time to do all these.

Jacob Singer
Gander, New Jersey
Reply
post #89 of 352
4/29/03 at 3:31pm
Who's this Nick Nunziata fella?

oh well, do me, do me!

Hell Spawn
Fury 161

Cheers!
Reply
post #90 of 352
4/29/03 at 3:39pm
Fantastic stuff Nick. did you mean Peyo as in the dude who created the Smurfs? you really do know everything, don't you? fuckin' incredible.

Anyway:

Sean van der Meulen.
preferred place of death: Kathmandu, Nepal.
Reply
post #91 of 352
4/29/03 at 3:55pm
All great so far.

Matthieu Galley
Barcelona, Spain
Reply
post #92 of 352
4/29/03 at 4:08pm
These are really funny Nick. It's just too bad that I always come into these kind of threads so late. I'm crossing my fingers hoping that one will be written for me.

Colin Tobin
Goulds, Newfoundland
Reply
post #93 of 352
4/29/03 at 5:34pm
Christopher DeLude

Ventura, California
Reply
post #94 of 352
4/29/03 at 7:58pm
Kill me.

Richard Dickson
Orlando, FL
Reply
post #95 of 352
4/29/03 at 8:12pm
I'm Alex Gatien and I would like you to kill me in Burlington, Vermont.
Reply
post #96 of 352
4/29/03 at 8:53pm
I think the Nunz is going to quit. How the fuck is he supposed to do this many?
Reply
post #97 of 352
4/29/03 at 9:05pm
Funny stuff. Always love these kinda threads. Well these and the sex ones.
Reply
post #98 of 352
4/29/03 at 9:11pm
Andrew Molinaro
Lake Como, Lombardia, Italy
Reply
post #99 of 352
4/29/03 at 9:14pm
Lets see if I can squeeze in here.

Jeff Schwer
Kuala Lampur
Reply
post #100 of 352
4/29/03 at 10:04pm
Anne Menard
Seattle, Washington USA

I remain a Seattle native no matter how much I have travelled.
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Chewers Catch-All
CHUD.com Community › Forums › THE CHEWERS › The Chewers Catch-All › Nick Writes Your Obituary...