Letters to newbies ...

good advice man

I'd like to add don't take anything someone tells you through the internet too seriously. Unless you actually know the person it is comming from.

That way Harmony will prevail on the chud board.

I don't follow this next idea myself as much as i'd like to, but if someone wants to get known make use of some of the lesser populated forums. they need the company. And the suggestion forum is rarely used also.

Dear Newbie,
If you don't have a thick skin yet, make like a Spumco cartoon and go get yourself one now. And fear not, things may seem chaotic at first, but CHUD is full of abnormally intelligent people who are very amusing. Just don't step on any toes and don't post just to be saying something. And don't post just because you're experiencing a strong emotional reaction toward another post. It won't help you, and it won't interest anyone, unless they're interested in flaming you.
There's a lot of discussion here on CHUD about movies that aren't out yet. People love to talk about them and how they feel about them. Please note that films like Snow Dogs don't get as much respect pre-release as films like Spider-Man or CQ. However, please also note that it is forbidden to pass judgment on films you haven't seen that are in release. CHUD is full of people who take their entertainment very seriously.
Also, if you're here to advertise something, just go away.

Shit, I broke all those rules within my first WEEK.

Dear newbies,

I like you. You showed up and came up with a clever name. That's good.

Play nice. Be fair. Don't degenerate into name calling. Don't character assasinate. Don't call Harry Knowles fat-or a shill-he's not, even if you think he's sold out-he hasn't.

But perhaps most importantly, don't piss me off.
Hell Rath no fury.

Your pal,

Rath.

Hang around, don't let the incestuous nature of the boards scare you off.

I offer <a href="http://chud.nexcess.net/board/ubbhtml/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=28;t=000211" target="_blank">This</a> as a case study.

Dear Newbies,

You guys are cool, but you've got to understand that things work differently around here. This isn't Talkback. This is a very civilized and funny place to discuss... whatever the hell you want. Here's a list of things you might want to read before you start posting around here:

1) READ THE MAIN PAGE!

2) Post in the proper forum. You see, we have a system. We have threads divided into certain forums for a good reason: to make it easier for people to search for topics they want to discuss. If you come along and post a thread called "How much I love oral sex" in the Video Game forum, well, you've fucked up our system, haven't you? Go to the main message board page (hint, you start out there after you click that message board button) and look around for the right forum.

3) Understanding the habits of the Django is impossible. Don't even try.

4) Post in the proper thread. If you just saw Attack of the Clones, I bet your ass there's going to be a pre-existing thread about AOTC. Go there and post your reactions. There is no point in making a new thread if the topic already exists.

5) Make some kind of attempt to spell correctly and have good grammar (CAPITALIZE, PEOPLE!). Try trying your post in Word and using spellchecker before you post it.

6) Suck Nick's cock at least 3 times a day.

7) As you are starting out, don't lunge out at people. Be quiet. You see, we don't know you. You could be some kind of goblin or mucus membrane posing as a human being. We don't know. Wait around a while before you try to joke around with or bash people you don't know. If you try and get into a scuffle with a total stranger, you may end up face to face with the "Will" or the "HAM" we keep locked up in the cellar. After that, you're going to need all the God, Allah, and Buddha shit you can muster.

8) Don't fuckfire, at least, don't fuckfire anywhere near our pants.

9) We hate Self Promoting here. We hate it so much we made a special place to put it. Don't promote your shit in the Sewer because it'll get canned.

10) Don't taunt the devilf... just... don't.

11) Love movies.

12) Don't go back on something you said. Only say things that you mean. If you become a hypocrite, people might say bad things to you.

13) You better like <a href="http://www.realultimatepower.net/" target="_blank">Ninjas</a>.

14) Why do we say "Pants" a lot? Find out here at the <a href="http://chud.nexcess.net/board/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=24&t=001773&p=" target="_blank">CHUD dictionary</a>.

15) Have fun.

That's it. Have a great time on your way to the Militia and eat plenty of Triscuits.

That was weird.

Whoa, I've opened up Stargate of something...

Ignore anthing Rath Bandu says.

Dear newbie:

Please do not hit on the ladies of C.H.U.D, via the board or AIM or email, unless you are either Ewan McGregor, or maybe Taye Diggs. Or Blofeld. Thank you.

Love,
prala

ps. i do not like my name capitalized. remember this, or face my wrath.

Dear Sirs (and Madam),

On behalf of all the Newbies on these message boards I sincerely thank you for your kind advice. These message boards of C.H.U.D. have proven to be a gathering place for all kinds of strange and interesting people, a place where each man (and woman) freely can discuss movies and other stuff at will. What is not to love in a place where people can spout arcane movie references and someone actually gets them, no matter how obscure?
Although we Newbies are a bit uncool, I still hope for a fruitful co-existence with all Oldies. Please, cause us no bodily harm, and as little psychological damage as possible. (Unless we start it... or you just really, really want to.)

Sincerely,

Tac Dibar
Newbie

Dear Tac:

Do not hope for fruitful anything if you call us "Oldies" some of us are sensitive about our age.

love,
prala

prala, you forgot: "or Blofeld."

right. see above.

Dear Newbies,

I like pie.

Love, Jacob Singer.

&lt;PSST! That was a hint, you stupid newbie! I like pie. As in, I like pie NOW! Preferably a la mode...&gt;

prala, you are quickly becoming the perfect specimen of "woman". How do you feel about excessive farting, bad breath and hair in the tub?

that pretty much describes my roomate, minus the "ever present non girlfriend" and "looks like shaggy from scooby doo plus a few pounds"

Dear Newbie:

Love is a many splendored thing. If you don't visit the Creature Corner you will be skinned. Never forget that cheddar can save lives.

NEVER touch the Girlcreeture.

Oh sure! He says this now!

skinless, eh?

Heh...

Dear Everyone,

Thanks for your further advice. I've been visiting the Creature Corner quite a lot, so I hope I can keep my skin for now.

Mr. Jacob Singer: Concerning your request for pie, I am afraid that I cannot provide any pie at all at this time. I am completely pieless, so maybe later. Could the fact that we share the same first name (not Tac, but Jacob) make up for that in any way? Or does it make things worse?
And prala, I promise not to call anyone an Oldie anymore. Fruitful co-existence can proceed...

So, when do I stop being a Newbie? After 100 posts? Or 500 posts?

(For your own witty reply to that question, fill in the following blanks:
"In your case, _______________. So why don't you just ____________________? "
Best reply wins a lame prize.)

Yours sincerely,

Tac Dibar

Cannot provide pie?

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Realize black crowe has no idea what he's talking about because I fucked him up so bad he's JoJo the Idiot Circus Boy now.

Dear Newbies,

Hidden in this ancient thread are nuggets of wisdom that will mean the difference between life and death. Heed them well young ones.

Sincerely,
Scott

Hello, Newbies.

Punctuation and Grammar was a fine point.

Remember: This place is all about opinion. You may disagree with someone, or not like what they say, and you can argue as much as you like, after all, this is a board for discussion. But remember, most of the time, no one is stating facts, it's all opinion, so try not to get bent out of shape if someone says they hate your favourite movie.

And please, don't troll.

Dear Newbies,

Where once I was patient and suffered fools, no longer do I. Your tenure here may be shorter than me.

- Nick

What Nick really means by that is he love you all, and he encourages you to use the boards in a polite and courteous manner or he will send a lethal army of monkeys after you.

Dear Newbie,

If someone calls you a name like Motherhips, don't let it get to you. Unless you are that fucking retard of an ex-poster. Try and understand this is a community, and if you want to play rough expect no punches to be pulled.

And remember knowing is half the battle

Yours truly (and Dan Laugharn's daddy),
Andre Dellamorte

Remember:

Motherhips/Gene Frenkle/Kiteless are the same person and they thrive on your reactions to their evil and juvenile posts.

Dear Newbies,

I love you all. Now that we have that out of the way, you may repeat after me:

"kitty is always right."

Thank you.

Dear Newbies,

Please learn how to use the quote function. It's not difficult (hint: it looks like little quote marks).

Thanks.

It's true. Kitty is always right. My advice would be to not take it too seriously. We all here for fun. Don't get worked up (unless you're in the sex forum) and don't be mean.

Unfortunately, I hadn't seen Prala's rule. I think I may have broken it.

Sammy Jankis

Dear Newbies,

It's essential to gain a good understanding of how these boards work, where everything is located, and how to find the information or the discussion that you're looking for.

With that in mind, I'd suggest that each and every one of you go read the "How to CHUD" discussion thread in the CHUD History forum. The thread is pretty easy to find, and it will hopefully teach you everything you need to know about CHUD.

Welcome to the boards!

--Slater

Bateman, you have no evidence that Gene Frenkle is Motherhips, so you're just being an ass about it to some newbie.

If you've read that person's posts, they're obvious not Motherhips.

Don't end your post with your name. It's redundant. Also don't spell anyting rong.

Dear Newbie,
I once thought the CHUD message boards were deadly dull. That was until I actually joined the fray. The longer I stayed, the more I enjoyed it. It's kind of like crack.
Don't expect your posts to go unanswered or unchallenged as on other geek-site boards. The "chewers" here (Yes, we call ourselves Chewers. Are we fucking losers or what?)love a good conversation or debate.
The people here are generally good souls. They are all shameless fan-boys and gravitate here for the sense of community. Most actually enjoy discussing movies and hearing contrary opinions. Sometimes insults are thrown and tempers flair (usually over on the Star Wars or religious topics), but like a bunch of fifth graders, we rarely hold a grudge. After all, if we stop talking to other chewers, who else is there to talk with? The carbon based lifeforms in the real world? I think not!
Some names and terms to learn:
Nick- Founder and Grand High Poobah of CHUD. The site is fashioned around his sardonic sensibilities and non-sequitar (sp?) wit. You'll find much hero-worship from the sewers directed towards him. I guess it's because he's living the dream.
Hollow Man- Nick's favorite ongoing joke. Stick around and you'll soon get all the references.
Star Chamber- The board moderators. They are also frequent posters, but don't advertise it. It took me months to realize that Kittyinjammies was a moderator and not just some nosey busybody.
"Check your PMs"- Not a clever schoolyard insult, but a notice to check your "Personal Message" file. It's available through clicking "Profile" near the top of the screen. It's available for private conversations with other Chewers. Ooo! Mysterious!

That's a primer course. Now go on and get out there, you crazy kid!

Dear Newbie here is all the information you need to survive....

Cheese Biscuits is always lying, unless quoting Slater or unless he’s wearing black, grey or white clothing.

Dan always tells the truth no matter what and has tremendous punctuation skills.

Micah does have a humongous size penis, watch out, you could loose an eye.

Django tells you want you don’t want to hear.

Dances chokes hookers for fun and talks in riddles, or maybe I’m just to damn drunk.

Prala, Shelby, Kitty, Wolfie and all the girls on the board are always rights don’t even try... and furthermore they're all so damn cute, so who can really argue.

Kronos is the eldest of all of the old Gods.(He's old so just agree).

You can trust Adam unless is hasn’t masturbated in the last hour.

DJ Dylan is always masturbating even while typing. Scary. But the lad has skills.

Rath is a pathological liar with turrets syndrome; unfortunately Brendan is a Good Samaritan that always tries to help a fellow human being except on Wednesday.

Blunt is French.

Blofeld has been cloned several times, but is no longer a super villain bent on world domination, he arranges flowers on the weekends in a little shop of horrors.

Listen to Jacob and give us pie, unless it is after midnight. Oh and keep us away from water.

Butane is our dark priest and he leads us in the worship of Dagon the great god of the sea, but I know his secret, ok I’ll tell you but don’t tell anyone else, is favourite Horror flic is Resident Evil.

Nick is really benevolent God, unless there is a full moon and you piss him off.

Bateman is always flattered.

All must rate HellSpawn with *****, it’s a custom so don’t ask. I said don’t ask just rate me, damn you!

And the most important tip, always agree with Canadian posters no matter what they post or they'll send Mecha Celine Dion to destroy your country.

p.s. HellSpawn is a Drug against War.

Dear Newbies,

Everything you read above is very important.

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Also:

Rock Hard.
Play Hard.
Grow Big.
Wear Glasses If You Need Them.

Dear newbies,

Your posts should, for the most part, be longer than your sigs. Despite how funny or clever you think that paragraph is, just leave it out unless you can make bigger posts. It's annoying.

Adding to Hellspawn's "profile" post:

Devil Unicron is the dirtiest man alive. Even if you want to come near him, don't. And be sure to point out his lack of hygiene in every single one of your posts.

That's a rule older posters can ignore, though.

Dear newbies,

Only Nunziata pulls off Nunziata. Please think about this the next time you want to call somebody a wristfuck or some variation.

Because we care,
Dan Laugharn

I agree, Dave. It's essential.

Dear Newbies,

Petting the monkeys can spread disease. So, please, don't touch Seahawk. Don't even get near him. He might sling pooh at you, too.

-Cheese Biscuits

What was that, Bubbly McFuckSprite?

Dear potential prison bitches,
Let's add spelling your name right to that whole punctuation thing.