My first Chud Story

Nice job, Scott!

I've just sent you an e-mail about it, but I might as well repeat the praise in public. A great fun story - very much in the EC Tales From The Crypt vein. I've got a few comments and suggestions, so let me know if you want me to e-mail them, or post them here.

Scott, the fact that you are a father scares me a little bit. You write these too well. Are you sure you don't wolf out in the middle of the night to feed on the weak and powerless?

Great story!

There's only two things that sprang to mind, neither of which are massively important, but I figure the whole point of this forum is to offer comments and suggestions, right?

Firstly, the dialogue at the start felt a bit odd. Too formal, if you know what I mean. It just felt like there was a missed opportunity there to build the main character through his speech and mannerisms.

For instance...

"I assume you have filed the appropriate missing persons report and have been told that the police will do all they can."

That doesn't read like a private investigator to me. Something like:

"You spoke to the cops, right? Let me guess - they're doing everything they can. Well, don't hold your breath"

That has a bit more personality, it gives us a feel for the kind of guy the main character is and it's closer to how a real conversation might go.

The only other thing that struck me was that I wanted more description of the monster under the bridge. He sounded cool, but the "reveal" didn't linger on the moment. It's your money shot, so go nuts with the description.

Apart from that, I loved it!

There's only two things that sprang to mind, neither of which are massively important, but I figure the whole point of this forum is to offer comments and suggestions, right?

Firstly, the dialogue at the start felt a bit odd. Too formal, if you know what I mean. It just felt like there was a missed opportunity there to build the main character through his speech and mannerisms.

For instance...

"I assume you have filed the appropriate missing persons report and have been told that the police will do all they can."

That doesn't read like a private investigator to me. Something like:

"You spoke to the cops, right? Let me guess - they're doing everything they can. Well, don't hold your breath"

That has a bit more personality, it gives us a feel for the kind of guy the main character is and it's closer to how a real conversation might go.

The only other thing that struck me was that I wanted more description of the monster under the bridge. He sounded cool, but the "reveal" didn't linger on the moment. It's your money shot, so go nuts with the description.

Apart from that, I loved it!</strong>[/QUOTE]

Scott,
There ya go mate, just like we talked about, really go nuts with the description, have fun and give us all the slimy, creepy details.

As for the dialogue, just a tip but if ur writing about a certain type of character, go and watch some films that feature similar characters or hit <a href="http://www.script-o-rama.com" target="_blank">www.script-o-rama.com</a> and see how its been done before.

I'd like to chime in and say I dug the tone of the story. Nice job. And your willingness to hear what people have to say about it is admirable.

I agree with the comments above about the dialog. I don't know if you read your stuff aloud, but that's what I always do, just to hear if the words are something that could come out of somebody's mouth.

Good luck with the next draft!

Re: the ending -- I wouldn't have had an actual transformation. Just have the doctor's conversation slowly fade as the voice in his head grows louder. And let us actually hear the voice. Something like:

"The doctor was examining my wound and saying something encouraging, but he sounded distant, like he was in a different room. I felt myself growing impatient, anxious, wishing he would just leave me the hell alone. And then I heard another voice.

Don't worry. I'll be here. I'll protect you.

And I knew then that everything would be all right."

I think the threat of imminent violence to the doctor would be a little more creepy than having the patient dig in. Then again, it does work in the old EC vein. Just my two cents.