Hi, I feel like such an idiot not checking on the budding fillmaker's thread in the suggestions board after I thought it died. Anyway Wicker Man your comments on what I wrote though belated are much appreciated. I am now taking a script writing class and I am trying to correct some of my mistakes. So could any one please comment on a assignment I just wrote for the class.
The peramiters of the assignment was that the teacher gave us a location and the characters that we should use with some character traits that they have. The story takes place in only this one location so I had to have the characters talk more about the plot instead of showing the what happened.
FADE IN:
EXT. AMSTERDAM HOTEL POOLSIDE – 3PM
A fat lifeguard, SPENCER, stands at the poolside and looks into the pool. He has blonde hair and is really pail. The area around Spencer is entirely soaked, dust swirls in the air above him, the water in the pool looks dirty and turbulently sloshes back and forth. He stands there frozen just staring at what is in the pool. Spencer looks up at the sky, then back down into the water. A Waiter, JASON, calls to him.
JASON
What was that noise!?
Jason has black hair and a really striking face. Jason reaches the side of the pool and looks in. Looks up back at the sky a then looks back into the water.
JASON
Oh… Shit.
Two Women run to the poolside, one is LAURA, an extraordinarily tall Blackjack dealer with brown hair and yellow teeth. The other is BAMBI, a small blonde tourist from America.
LAURA & BAMBI
(Together)
What Happened!
Spencer Points into the pool. Both women look down into the water, what they see surprises them. Both together look up into the sky and then back into the pool. Bambi’s arm jerks suddenly out then falls back at her side.
A Police SIREN is heard in the distance and then it stops. A Car Door SLAMS followed by FOOTSTEPS of a person running. A COP runs into view, he’s jittery and has beady eyes that offset his kind face. He looks into the sky. The Cop stands there for a while, stunned. Bambi taps him on the shoulder and points into the pool. He looks down and stares even more stunned. Laura lights a cigarette.
A complete corner of a hotel room is at the bottom of the pool. The drapes on the window of the submerged half room dance in the water. A picture is still hanging from one of the walls and all the furniture is in the place it should be as if the room were not in the pool.
They all look up into the sky in silence. The hotel building is fourteen stories tall; the top southwest corner of the building is missing.
COP
(Bewildered)
H.. How did this happen?
The four others collectively shrug.
COP
Who was here first?
Jason point a finger at Spencer. The hand that Jason uses to point is all bandaged up and dried blood shows through at one end of the bandages. Where the blood is there are no fingers. The Cop does not notice.
COP
(To Spencer)
What did you see?
SPENCER
I didn’t see anything. Just
heard an explosion and then
before I knew what happened
I was drenched in water. Thank
God nobody was in the pool…
Spencer looks up.
SPENCER (CONT.)
…or in the room for that matter.
A suitcase floats up to the surface of the pool. They look down at it. Realization dawns on Bambi’s face. She looks back up at the corner of the building using her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.
BAMBI
Hey! That’s my room!
They look at her.
COP
Really?
BAMBI
Yes, Really. See…
She fishes the suitcase out of pool and shows its label to the Cop.
COP
(Reading)
Bambi Smith, St. Paul,
Minnesota.
He looks up at her
COP
Ms. Smith did your room
have any sort of gas appliances
that might have leaked and
caused the explosion?
BAMBI
(shrugging)
How should I know? I’ve only
stayed at this hotel for two
days. Ask someone who works
here.
COP
(Turns to Jason)
Do you work here?
Jason nods
COP
Is there anything in the
rooms here that runs on gas?
JASON
I think there is a gas heater
In every room.
COP
So…
SPENCER
(Interrupting)
(To Jason)
What are you smoking? You very
well know that the only things
in this place that runs on gas
are in the main kitchen on the
first floor.
JASON
(Quietly to himself)
…and sitting outside by the
pool in a high chair.
Spencer gives Jason a dirty look.
SPENCER
(To the Cop)
The room heaters are electric.
COP
So that rules out and accident...
(Pauses to think)
(To Bambi)
Have you done any thing that
really pissed someone off during
the last week or so?
Bambi thinks, suddenly her whole body jerks. Her arm flies back and nearly beans the Cop in the face.
COP
What the…?
BAMBI
Sorry, I’m Sorry. I have
Tourett’s syndrome and that
Happens sometimes.
She suddenly remembers something.
BAMBI
Yes, I did do something…
COP
What did you do?
BAMBI
I accidentally cut his fingers
off.
She points at Jason. There is silence following this statement. The all look at Jason, who stiffens under their stares. Jason nervously grabs his bandaged hand.
SPENCER
Excuse me for a second but how
the fuck can one accidentally
cut off another person’s fingers?
Bambi looks down at her feet and starts to shuffle them.
BAMBI
Well he was waiting my table
and I ordered a thick steak.
It came with a huge steak knife
and while I was cutting into
steak I had another one of my
spasms…
She looks up at Jason.
BAMBI (CONT.)
He just happened to be setting
down my drink at the table when
it happened. I missed the steak
and got him.
Jason winces.
BAMBI (CONT.)
I said I was sorry and wrapped
his had in a napkin and put his
two fingers in a cup of ice. Then
Gave him a check for $2000 to pay
him for the hospital bill.
LAURA
(Interrupting)
(To Jason)
So that’s where you got the
Money!
COP
What?
LAURA
He showed up at my blackjack
table last night as high as
an astronaut..
BAMBI
(To self)
I thought he seemed a little
indifferent about loosing his
fingers.
LAURA
He had $2000 in chips and I
Thought he stole the money
But I didn’t want argue about
It with him. He…
JASON
(finishing Laura’s
Sentence)
…lost all of it. I can’t believe
I lost all of it. I figured the
fingers were on ice I had time
and a chance to win, no problemo.
But…
Jason sits down in a poolside chair and puts his head into his hands.
JASON (CONT.)
I lost all the money. And when
I arrived at the hospital I had
already waited too long The Fingers
could not be reattached.
The Cop looks at Jason. Jason does not meet the Cop’s gaze.
COP
Were you mad at her for
Doing this?
JASON
Of course I was mad at her
Who wouldn’t be pissed off at
someone who cut your fingers
off?
The Cop stares at Jason. The pressure of the Cop’s eyes on Jason is nearly visible.
COP
Did you bomb her room.
JASON
What? No, no I’d never do
anything like that.
Bambi has another spasm and nearly looses her balance
almost falling into the pool. While Bambi teeters on the edge Jason grins. Laura grabs Bambi’s hand just in time and pulls her away from the edge of the pool.
BAMBI
Thanks.
LAURA
No problem.
The Cop looks back as Jason. Jason stops grinning.
JASON
What? Do you think I made a
Bomb and somehow snuck it into
Her room?
The Cop nods.
JASON
I don’t even know how make a
bombLet alone somehow get a
pass key into her room.
LAURA
(Yells out)
Liar!
They all look from Jason to Laura.
LAURA
You know how easy it is
to get into a guest’s room.
All you need is a credit card
And some wire. Hell, you’re
the one who first told me how.
JASON
Why Don’t you just shut up?
LAURA
No I won’t! because I think
your temper might have actually
gotten the better of you this
time. And personally I think
you did it.
Jason looks at the Cop. The Cop looks back at him, suspicious.
JASON
I really have no idea how
to make a Bomb
Laura laughs.
JASON
What is it now?
LAURA
What about that time two
years ago when you were doing
all that research for that
part in an action movie you
wanted. I remember that
you wanted so desperately
to be the terrorist villain.
I bet some of that research
Had to do with bombs.
Jason Screams then charges at Laura. Spencer gets in the way and tries to grab himbut only manages to change the direction in which Jason is running. Jason stops and turns around then charges at Laura again. Laura ducks just as Jason is going to body slam her. He trips and rolls over the top of into the pool.
The all watch him as he comes to the surface of the pool and then starts splashing trying to swim.
JASON
Help!
COP
(to Spencer)
Dive in and get him!
SPENCER
No.
COP
Why?
SPENCER
Because I can’t swim.
The all look at him.
BAMBI
But you’re a lifeguard!?
JASON
Help!
LAURA
Oh for heaven’s sake.
Laura takes off her shoes and dives in. She gets one arm around Jason and swims over to the pool’s edge. Spencer then grabs Jason’s arm and pulls him out of the water.
Once Jason is out the Cop handcuffs and drags a soaked Jason away to his car. Spencer, and Bambi watch him being taken away while Laura climbs out off the pool.
BAMBI
(yelling after them)
I’m sorry I cut your fingers
Off.
Jason does not respond. Suddenly she has another spasm and falls back into Spencer. Spencer is knocked off balance and teeters on the edge of the pool. He falls in, his body creates a huge splash.
SPENCER
Help!
Laura sighs and then dives in after him.
:FADE OUT
The peramiters of the assignment was that the teacher gave us a location and the characters that we should use with some character traits that they have. The story takes place in only this one location so I had to have the characters talk more about the plot instead of showing the what happened.
FADE IN:
EXT. AMSTERDAM HOTEL POOLSIDE – 3PM
A fat lifeguard, SPENCER, stands at the poolside and looks into the pool. He has blonde hair and is really pail. The area around Spencer is entirely soaked, dust swirls in the air above him, the water in the pool looks dirty and turbulently sloshes back and forth. He stands there frozen just staring at what is in the pool. Spencer looks up at the sky, then back down into the water. A Waiter, JASON, calls to him.
JASON
What was that noise!?
Jason has black hair and a really striking face. Jason reaches the side of the pool and looks in. Looks up back at the sky a then looks back into the water.
JASON
Oh… Shit.
Two Women run to the poolside, one is LAURA, an extraordinarily tall Blackjack dealer with brown hair and yellow teeth. The other is BAMBI, a small blonde tourist from America.
LAURA & BAMBI
(Together)
What Happened!
Spencer Points into the pool. Both women look down into the water, what they see surprises them. Both together look up into the sky and then back into the pool. Bambi’s arm jerks suddenly out then falls back at her side.
A Police SIREN is heard in the distance and then it stops. A Car Door SLAMS followed by FOOTSTEPS of a person running. A COP runs into view, he’s jittery and has beady eyes that offset his kind face. He looks into the sky. The Cop stands there for a while, stunned. Bambi taps him on the shoulder and points into the pool. He looks down and stares even more stunned. Laura lights a cigarette.
A complete corner of a hotel room is at the bottom of the pool. The drapes on the window of the submerged half room dance in the water. A picture is still hanging from one of the walls and all the furniture is in the place it should be as if the room were not in the pool.
They all look up into the sky in silence. The hotel building is fourteen stories tall; the top southwest corner of the building is missing.
COP
(Bewildered)
H.. How did this happen?
The four others collectively shrug.
COP
Who was here first?
Jason point a finger at Spencer. The hand that Jason uses to point is all bandaged up and dried blood shows through at one end of the bandages. Where the blood is there are no fingers. The Cop does not notice.
COP
(To Spencer)
What did you see?
SPENCER
I didn’t see anything. Just
heard an explosion and then
before I knew what happened
I was drenched in water. Thank
God nobody was in the pool…
Spencer looks up.
SPENCER (CONT.)
…or in the room for that matter.
A suitcase floats up to the surface of the pool. They look down at it. Realization dawns on Bambi’s face. She looks back up at the corner of the building using her hand to shield her eyes from the sun.
BAMBI
Hey! That’s my room!
They look at her.
COP
Really?
BAMBI
Yes, Really. See…
She fishes the suitcase out of pool and shows its label to the Cop.
COP
(Reading)
Bambi Smith, St. Paul,
Minnesota.
He looks up at her
COP
Ms. Smith did your room
have any sort of gas appliances
that might have leaked and
caused the explosion?
BAMBI
(shrugging)
How should I know? I’ve only
stayed at this hotel for two
days. Ask someone who works
here.
COP
(Turns to Jason)
Do you work here?
Jason nods
COP
Is there anything in the
rooms here that runs on gas?
JASON
I think there is a gas heater
In every room.
COP
So…
SPENCER
(Interrupting)
(To Jason)
What are you smoking? You very
well know that the only things
in this place that runs on gas
are in the main kitchen on the
first floor.
JASON
(Quietly to himself)
…and sitting outside by the
pool in a high chair.
Spencer gives Jason a dirty look.
SPENCER
(To the Cop)
The room heaters are electric.
COP
So that rules out and accident...
(Pauses to think)
(To Bambi)
Have you done any thing that
really pissed someone off during
the last week or so?
Bambi thinks, suddenly her whole body jerks. Her arm flies back and nearly beans the Cop in the face.
COP
What the…?
BAMBI
Sorry, I’m Sorry. I have
Tourett’s syndrome and that
Happens sometimes.
She suddenly remembers something.
BAMBI
Yes, I did do something…
COP
What did you do?
BAMBI
I accidentally cut his fingers
off.
She points at Jason. There is silence following this statement. The all look at Jason, who stiffens under their stares. Jason nervously grabs his bandaged hand.
SPENCER
Excuse me for a second but how
the fuck can one accidentally
cut off another person’s fingers?
Bambi looks down at her feet and starts to shuffle them.
BAMBI
Well he was waiting my table
and I ordered a thick steak.
It came with a huge steak knife
and while I was cutting into
steak I had another one of my
spasms…
She looks up at Jason.
BAMBI (CONT.)
He just happened to be setting
down my drink at the table when
it happened. I missed the steak
and got him.
Jason winces.
BAMBI (CONT.)
I said I was sorry and wrapped
his had in a napkin and put his
two fingers in a cup of ice. Then
Gave him a check for $2000 to pay
him for the hospital bill.
LAURA
(Interrupting)
(To Jason)
So that’s where you got the
Money!
COP
What?
LAURA
He showed up at my blackjack
table last night as high as
an astronaut..
BAMBI
(To self)
I thought he seemed a little
indifferent about loosing his
fingers.
LAURA
He had $2000 in chips and I
Thought he stole the money
But I didn’t want argue about
It with him. He…
JASON
(finishing Laura’s
Sentence)
…lost all of it. I can’t believe
I lost all of it. I figured the
fingers were on ice I had time
and a chance to win, no problemo.
But…
Jason sits down in a poolside chair and puts his head into his hands.
JASON (CONT.)
I lost all the money. And when
I arrived at the hospital I had
already waited too long The Fingers
could not be reattached.
The Cop looks at Jason. Jason does not meet the Cop’s gaze.
COP
Were you mad at her for
Doing this?
JASON
Of course I was mad at her
Who wouldn’t be pissed off at
someone who cut your fingers
off?
The Cop stares at Jason. The pressure of the Cop’s eyes on Jason is nearly visible.
COP
Did you bomb her room.
JASON
What? No, no I’d never do
anything like that.
Bambi has another spasm and nearly looses her balance
almost falling into the pool. While Bambi teeters on the edge Jason grins. Laura grabs Bambi’s hand just in time and pulls her away from the edge of the pool.
BAMBI
Thanks.
LAURA
No problem.
The Cop looks back as Jason. Jason stops grinning.
JASON
What? Do you think I made a
Bomb and somehow snuck it into
Her room?
The Cop nods.
JASON
I don’t even know how make a
bombLet alone somehow get a
pass key into her room.
LAURA
(Yells out)
Liar!
They all look from Jason to Laura.
LAURA
You know how easy it is
to get into a guest’s room.
All you need is a credit card
And some wire. Hell, you’re
the one who first told me how.
JASON
Why Don’t you just shut up?
LAURA
No I won’t! because I think
your temper might have actually
gotten the better of you this
time. And personally I think
you did it.
Jason looks at the Cop. The Cop looks back at him, suspicious.
JASON
I really have no idea how
to make a Bomb
Laura laughs.
JASON
What is it now?
LAURA
What about that time two
years ago when you were doing
all that research for that
part in an action movie you
wanted. I remember that
you wanted so desperately
to be the terrorist villain.
I bet some of that research
Had to do with bombs.
Jason Screams then charges at Laura. Spencer gets in the way and tries to grab himbut only manages to change the direction in which Jason is running. Jason stops and turns around then charges at Laura again. Laura ducks just as Jason is going to body slam her. He trips and rolls over the top of into the pool.
The all watch him as he comes to the surface of the pool and then starts splashing trying to swim.
JASON
Help!
COP
(to Spencer)
Dive in and get him!
SPENCER
No.
COP
Why?
SPENCER
Because I can’t swim.
The all look at him.
BAMBI
But you’re a lifeguard!?
JASON
Help!
LAURA
Oh for heaven’s sake.
Laura takes off her shoes and dives in. She gets one arm around Jason and swims over to the pool’s edge. Spencer then grabs Jason’s arm and pulls him out of the water.
Once Jason is out the Cop handcuffs and drags a soaked Jason away to his car. Spencer, and Bambi watch him being taken away while Laura climbs out off the pool.
BAMBI
(yelling after them)
I’m sorry I cut your fingers
Off.
Jason does not respond. Suddenly she has another spasm and falls back into Spencer. Spencer is knocked off balance and teeters on the edge of the pool. He falls in, his body creates a huge splash.
SPENCER
Help!
Laura sighs and then dives in after him.
:FADE OUT
