Good Wish - Bad Wish - Page 3

Wish granted! You can write a great novel! But, before you get a chance to start it, you trip over a paper shredder and fall into a bathtub filled with scorpions and sea urchins, and perish.

I wish that I could predict on what side a flipped coin will land.

Wish granted. But unfortunately, during one of the coin flips, it lands on it's side and you gain the power to read other people's minds. You find out that all of the people around you think you are less attractive than Dick Sargeant on Bewitched. And you were holding out for Reuban Kincaid...

I wish that I was the most feared and respected man on the planet.

Wish granted, but because your frail body is not ready for the power that you are granted, you blow up. ANd then you are eaten by various animals.

I wish that everty month was a month of Satrudays for me alone.

Wish granted. Every month is a month of Saturdays all to yourself. All by yourself. After 6 months of being alone, you start talking to your body parts. Your right hand you name Elmo, your left hand is named Sam. Your right foot you name Helen, your left foot you name Fred. 6 more months later, your body parts, tired of listening to your insane prattle, rebel. Upon your death, your body reverts to normal time, and you are discovered with your right hand and left hand wrapped around your neck.

I wish today was December 16th.

Wish granted. It is December 16th and the Return of the King is out. You come by the theater at 12:01 PM and grab a seat. Unfortunately, the theater didn't get the correct copy of the movie and instead received the Return of the Cock King. You try to escape but the doors have been welded shut by a mysterious force. You are trapped, and you must watch Samwise McCum prove his love for Frodo BaggyBalls.

I wish Halle Berry would leave Catwoman and start work on B.A.P.S. II: The Quickening.

Wish granted, your magnetic shoes work like a charm...that is until you are attacked by window washers fearing for their jobs. Bleach in the mouth.....harsh.


I wish I could kick the crap out of Lenny Kravitz

You start laying waste to various crap bands through out the land. Once a drop of blood is shed from Nickleback, Satan rises up for the depths of hell and brings about his chaos and doom, his reason is because he "kinda dug them".

I wish whenever I peed, it was champaigne.

Wish granted. But now you incur a MC Hammer sized debt because of your mansion and all the Bentlys you've stocked the 7 car garage with. The last thing the creditors say to you before they slap the For Sale sign on the front door is, "Absolute wealth corrupts."

I wish that more people on the Chud boards liked me, because I feel lonely.

Wish gr....you want WHAT??!!??

Sorry, Dude, you gotta be more realistic...There ARE limits...

YOUR wish is granted. But the limit is that you must paypal way too many Chewers in order to make them like you...more to make them love you. Limits=set.

I wish I had to work today instead of going to the mall and the bar.

Wish granted. You go to work instead of shopping at the mall and hanging out at the bar. Too bad while you were at work, the President of the US, Mr. George Bush, stopped by your watering hole and threw back a few suds with the boys. Missed a chance of a lifetime, but the paycheck was worth it, right?

I wish life was simpler.

Wish granted. You now spend all day picking lice off of your brother's and sister's hairy backs and swing from tree to tree looking for another grub to eat. Then you get shot by an illegal poacher and die. You have no more life now. Is that simple enough.


I wish that I could take Micheal Isner's place and run Disney.

Wish granted. But you now have to dodge calls from Ron Howard, begging you to give his brother and father jobs in your revival of The Wonderful World of Disney. You decide it's simpler to wish you were Michael Ironside, but you end up having your arms cut off by Ah-nold and a rising elevator. Bad luck, that.


I wish that I could have Peter North quality ejaculations and coat chick's faces.

Granted. Now they're burning.

I wish I would graduate from college already.

Your wish is granted. Your sink is no longer dripping. But it is because your pipes have frozen and burst, and you now have 6 inches of ice in your garage & backyard. But on the bright side, it's a great day for hockey!

I wish Omaha had a pro hockey team.

Wish granted. however, as you walk down the street moments later, you trip and fall off the curb. Then you get hit by a piano. And die.

I wish that Brian Boytano kicked the shit out of Tanya Harding.

Wish granted. The first thing you say backwards is the Lord's prayer, just to see how it really sounds (I'll betcha its creepy as hell). A bypasser who happens to be a 17th Centruy Puritan beats the shit out of you, destroying your voice box completely in the process. Bad times.


I wish that there was an infinite supply of hilarious new Family Guy episodes.

Wish granted. Apparently since you knew that the persons head was going to explode, you are guilty of murder one. Thats too bad.


I wish that I could understand love.

Wish granted. You are Mario, doomed to live a life where everyone laughs at your ridiculous accent and handlebar mustache, and then Bowser smashes your ass.

I wish that I was able to comtrol my fate with my mind, but was not corrupted by the power.

Wish granted. You're now Keith Richards.



I wish I could save the planet, and everyone was grateful.

Wish granted. President Bush is of course grateful (though he doesn't see what the big deal is since he himself just caught Saddam...saving the planet, big whoopie) but nonetheless you are invited to the White House for a ceremony & dinner. During the tour of the rooms, 3 secret servicemen grab you, drag you to the Lincoln bedroom, where you are tied to the bed. And, in a show of how really grateful she is, in walks Janet Reno in a fur-lined thong, armed with a video camera and a case of whipped cream. You finally escape, forever haunted by the memory, but after dinner you are taken to the subterranean bowels of Washington, where you are forcibly inducted into the ranks of the Skull & Bones. Therefore, you now know terrible secrets of the nation's most powerful men, and this, coupled with the knowledge of your immoral rape at the hands of Reno, causes you to be found hung by the ribbon of the medal George Jr had given you at the ceremony, that very next day. Ooops.

I wish I had more free time.

Wish granted. You now spend your days frantically making up stories about Janet Reno raping people, and a Sasquatch kidnapping, which you suddenly realize, could be the same thing!
In desperation you finally pop in a copy of Food of the Gods while you wring your hands in anticipation of the Dawn of the Dead remake...that, and eat lots and lots of Chocodiles while proclaiming your name to be Reuban Kincaid.



I wish I was included in the fun more.

Wish granted. You first non-stupid decision is to work as hard as you can for the rest of your life. You toil away at a low budget job because the management is intimidated by your hard work, and die a pauper.


I wish I lived in a van down by the river.

Wish granted. Unfortunately though you can control this ablitly when you are awake, you can't when you are asleep. So the moment you dream about shooting lasers from your eyes you incinerate your eyelids and eventually go blind after much pain.

I wish that I legally owned a real painting by Van Gogh and had security that made it impossible for someone to steal it.

Wish granted. However, one of the security cameras is placed right next to the painting, and one day sparks. Spark lands on the aged painting, whick is quick to catch fire, and almost immediately is incinterated. Just before the fire completely destroys the whole thing, you get a glance of the canvas behind it. The picture on the canvas is the only painting ever made in the Western style by Aztecs, proves conclusively the existence of aliens, gives the secret to happiness, and a lot of other great stuff. However, you are only able to catch a quick glance of it, and your security cameras were all pointing away from the picture. Realizing your loss, you attempt to kill yourself, but are unsuccessful and spend the rest of your days in a mental hospital just coherent enough to realize that the drugs they gice you block all thoughts but those of your mother naked. Shit

I wish that I was able to prevent any wish from going bad.

Wish granted. You go completely batty and put a drill to your head, ala Pi. Good luck with that whole not looking into the sun thing.


I wish that I could mentally explain how I feel about people into their heads without them knowing I did it at will.

Wish granted. As most of the languages you speak are dead languages, you are committed to a mental hospital because people think you are crazy and speaking in tongues. Then the Catholic Church decides to perform an exorcism, after a lenghty court battle, during which you are administered shock treatment by a sadistic orderly named Marco. After the exorcism goes horribly wrong and you die of a mysterious "self inflicted knife wound to the back," your story is made into a movie, only to have the studios fire the director for creative differences and replace him with Renny Harlin.



I wish that George A. Romero would make another Living Dead movie.

Wish granted. Dusk of the Dead has been green lit and will release in 2005. Unfortunately, though, Romero can't seem to get it past the MPAA with less than a NC-17 rating. Not to mention that the plot left something to be desired. - A group of girl scouts is caught off guard as the living dead rise to claim the world as their own. They have to fend for their lives in a tree house with only cookies to live off of, and their only weapon is an AK-47 with limited ammo, bothof which were coincidently lying around for just such an emergency. - The movie goes straight to video and TANKS. The failure stains Romero's name and legacy, and he ends up committing suicide in a rundown hotel off of Sunset Blvd. But not before he tracked you down and kilss you for making the wish.

I wish I had a new digital video camera.

Wish Granted. Now that you can never get exausted you run a marathon and, though you do not win because you still are not that fast, you finish in the top twenty. After two days of celebration you find that it is hard to hold a thought for more than thirty seconds, you try to lie down to relieve this lightheaded hyperness that has come over you and quickly discover that you cannot fall asleep and give your mind a rest. You are deprived of ever dreaming or sleeping again because your body never gets tired. You try everything to give your mind a rest and even take and entire bottle of valium in hopes of making your body tired. But none of this works and over a long period your mind slowly turns to mush form lack of sleep. At the mental hospital you end up in you become somewhat of a local exibit for Psychologists. After a couple of years they eventually lose intrest and you are forgotten. Then government budget cuts result in the closure of the hospital you are in. You are released back on the street and after a couple of days of wandering the streets aimlessly you are tempted by an offering of food from a stranger who tells you to get into his van. You do just that and you are immediatly shackled and sold as a test subject to a major drug company which has hopes of devloping a caffeine replacement from your hormones.


I wish that composer Mozart lived for a longer time before he died so that he could have written more music.

Wish granted you are now immune to cold weather. But becasuse of this immunity your body has lost all of it's ablity to release heat. As a result you are forever doomed to stay in weather that is below freezing or else die of heat stroke. Bummer...

I wish I could kill all forms of popular music... Oh wait... nevermind.

I wish I could have the best memory in the world so that not only could I remember anything with incredible detail, I could also selectively forget things so that unwanted images wouldn't bother me.

your wish has been granted but they only air at 3am on lifetime and your Tivo refuses to let you tape anything on such a retchid channel.

I wish I had some coffee, it's going to be a long day before I can go see ROTK

wish granted though you earn it whoring yourself out to a guy named "Pat" who's 7' and 400lbs.

I wish my boss would call in sick the rest of the week

Wish granted. Unfortunately for you, however, he has called in sick with the Ebola virus. So, enjoy the rest of the last week of your life. Better fuck that hot secretary before you start vomiting blood and turn to a puddle of putrescent flesh!

I wish every day was Halloween!

Wish granted. Unfortunately your movie, The Butterfly Effect tanks in the theatres. Which is a shame because it looked good.



I wish that the guilty would be punished!

Wish granted, everyone guilty of anything from littering to jay walking are now incarerated with the rest of the criminal population and we live in a constant fear of big brother.

I wish for an ebola virus vacine

Wish granted, missles are headed your way as we speak to erradicate such an obvious threat.

I wish the bathrooms at work were heated properly

Wish granted. People now fart more while dropping a deuce, and the methane warms the bathroom considerably...unfortunately some smart egg decides to sneak a cigarette and blows up the room, while you are peeing at the urinal. Warm enough for ya?




I wish that I could turn into a giant monster at will, loved by the population and feared by all other monsters because I could kick their ass.

Wish granted. You're the Hulk and no one liked your movie, Barnum and Baily Circus hires you out and you now hang out with the Bearded Women and the clowns.

I wish it was New Years Eve already

As the world counts down to celebrate the new year, all lights go out due to the stupidly overlooked Y2k04 bug. We now live in a world with no technology whatsoever, and I've still haven't seen ROTK. You bastard!

I wich I had the time to see ROTK before saturday.

You get to see it but with a theatre full of screaming teenage girls, everytime Legolas comes on screen they scream out for him and you cannot hear the movie due to their lust for the elf.

I wish I could get Chik-fil-A for lunch now

Your wish is granted, but in the form of a Chik-Fil-A sandwich suppository along with the waffle fries and lemonade that you ordered. Thankfully, you are wearing Depends - but the bad news is that your girlfriend is horny and in the passenger's seat of your car rubbing her thighs and begging you to take her home and treat her like a rag doll.

I wish I had a time machine with all the bells and whistles.

Wish granted. You are Doctor Who. You lucky mofo!!!




I wish I was Doctor Who.

congrats, you are now spoken about even more frequently on the threads and have been accused of hating minorities, you are protested more than Eminem are publicly shunned.

I wish I had a higher post count

Wish granted. You and I continue to go back in forth in this thread and every other thread in the humor section. Our tirades in the Ask a question/answer a question regale and amaze everyone, yet piss them off to no end.


I wish I was stupendous!