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Good Wish - Bad Wish - Page 2

post #51 of 910
12/8/03 at 2:25am

Thats worse than nbeing

Wish granted, Ms. Paltrow! Thats way worse than being Paul Walker! Meanwhile, I'll enjoy food.

I wish that I was in command of a giant killer robot.
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post #52 of 910
12/8/03 at 2:29am
Wish granted! However, your giant robot is ED-209! I hope you like being riddled with bullets!

I wish I was Bea Arthur's leg hair.
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post #53 of 910
12/8/03 at 4:12am
Granted. However the inaugural motorcade crashes head-on into a watermelon truck, and the Pres is killed along with VP Elvis Presley. Taking advantage of the ensuing confusion, the Soviets invade the US. Wolverines!

I wish I had mind control powers!
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post #54 of 910
12/8/03 at 5:01am
Wish granted. However, you only have the ability to control the mind of a single dog, a 14 year-old Yorkshire Terrier named Fruitloop, who gets smashed by a UPS truck the very next day as you psychically call him across the street.

I wish I had a new cellphone.
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post #55 of 910
12/8/03 at 9:16am
Thread Starter 
Wish granted. Your new cellphone arrives. But soon as you turn it on, a Chinese man calls you and tells you, "Chicken make great housepet!!!!" He calls you every 5 minutes to repeat this to you. You are driven insane and slowly live out your life looking at brightly colored balls of yarn.

I wish I could explore the Nostromo(Aliens' starship)
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post #56 of 910
12/8/03 at 10:59am
Sure. Wish granted! Sadly, while fiddling with the main controls of the ship, you're attacked by a facehugger, who happens to implant an alien embryo in you. Five minutes letter, your chest implodes.

I wish for something that starts with the letter H.
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post #57 of 910
12/8/03 at 11:11am
Wish granted. After shoveling snow in your underwear H ypothermia sets in on your testicles, and you spend the day soaking them in lukewarm water and prrling away the excess skin.


I wish that the Dawn of the Dead remake was in theatres now.
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post #58 of 910
12/8/03 at 11:28am
Wish granted. The Dawn of the Dead remake is in theatres now, but on the way to see the movie a truck with radioactive waste crashes into your vehicle. Luckily, you survive, but your senses of smell, sight, touch, and hearing have been wiped out. You will never be able to enjoy the movie, or any movie again.

I wish teleportation devices, like those used in Start Trek, were a reality.
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post #59 of 910
12/8/03 at 2:16pm
Wish granted, but while teleporting, a red assed baboon that has been hiding in the teleportation area has been merged with you.
(how'd you miss that one?)

You arrive at your destination with a giant bare red ass,ripping through your pants, which leaks fecal fluid all the time.

The baboon comes out of it with a skinny little 'ol ass and goes on to front a boy band.


I wish they would bring back the Daleks when Doctor Who comes back to TV.
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post #60 of 910
12/8/03 at 11:19pm
Your wish is granted! You now have a new personal buddy to cheer you up whenever you get down. That's right....Smegma the Clown!!!! He makes you laugh, he juggles, he does crazy stunts, obscene phone calls. Heck, he's a great drinking pal. Everybody loves Smegma! Until one morning you awake with a hangover, go to take a piss, and find greasepaint in your pubes! Ewwww.....

I wish I was the most feared martial artist on the planet.
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post #61 of 910
12/8/03 at 11:26pm
Wish granted. You are now the feared Crippled Avenger of Doom. You may only have one leg but boy can it kick! Sadly, when you lose your balance and can't get up, your enemies make mincemeat of you.

I wish I had a cute little French girl named Amelie.
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post #62 of 910
12/9/03 at 12:39am
Thread Starter 
Wish granted. Your package arrives by Fed Ex and you open it up to find a small French girl named Amelie. But, now that you have her, you have no idea what to do with her. She demands to be fed, she wants new clothes, she wants to go to a movie. Wow!! You never thought having a girl would be so much work! When does the sex start? Well, never. The Federal Trade Commission arrives at your door to collect on the tariffs on over-sea shipping. You can't pay, so they take her away. You vow never to wish for anything French again.

I wish I could enter the Star Wars Universe.
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post #63 of 910
12/9/03 at 1:14am
Your wish has been granted...but shortly afterward you became a quadroplegic in a terrible peanut butter spill accident in your own kitchen. Shouldn't have waxed the floor, dammit. Now have someone change your catheter bag.

I wish this full moon would go away and people would make a conscious decision not to use their phones as a weapon.
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post #64 of 910
12/9/03 at 1:15am
Your wish has been granted and the moon crases into the earth killing everything in exsitance including all those who use phones a weapons. There will never again be a full moon as the moon adds it mass to the earth making it a planet of molten lava.

I wish I didn't have asthma.
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post #65 of 910
12/9/03 at 1:30am
Your wish has been granted, but as the earth is traveling thousands of miles per hour, when you first stop time the earth stops moving but you don't. With thousands of miles per hour of momentum you meet a very quick and messy end with the nearest wall.

I wish I could swing on a star, carry moon beams home in a jar.
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post #66 of 910
12/9/03 at 1:36am
Your wish has been granted but due to the vagueness of not specifying what kind of king you wanted to be you are now the dead remains of elvis the "king" of rock and roll.

<edit> sorry forgot to put a wish.

I wish that the Church of Scientology no longer existed.
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post #67 of 910
12/9/03 at 1:51am
Your wish is granded and for a while everything seems to go fine. That is untill you are sold out by your ex when she tells the government what you are able to do. Immediatly after that happens you teleport back into your room for a good nights sleep when you feel a sharp prick on your leg, you only have enough time to look down and see a tranquilizer dart before your knocked out. For the rest of your life you remain drugged on a table in a top secret lab somewhere the subject of numerous daily experiments.

I wish I could read minds.
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post #68 of 910
12/9/03 at 5:25am
Malachi Constant, your wish has been granted and you get a brand new hoverboard. The only thing is that it doesn't run on everyday trash like the Doc's car. Instead it needs a special type of power cell(aka battery) that while common in the future, in the present it has not been invented yet. And yes you guessed it when you look on the cardboard box the hoverboard came in there is a little disclamer Batteries' Not Included. Just be glad it didn't say some assembly required.

Little Otik your wish has been granted, the Matrix sequels will no longer suck, instead they will blow.

I wish I had the ablity to walk through walls without leaving my clothes behind.
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post #69 of 910
12/9/03 at 7:58am
Your wish is granted. You are able to walk through walls, but also through floors, uncontrollably. This causes you to fall through the crust of the Earth and continue straight to the molten core, where you are stuck for the rest of your life.

I wish I was unable to get sick and would stay healthy for the rest of my life.
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post #70 of 910
12/9/03 at 9:09am
Your wish is granted. You never become sick, and since you live an excellent accident free life, you live for eternity: you are doomed to watch friends and loved ones die before you, while becoming older and more crippled and wizened as every century passes. You see technological marvels all around you, but you are too busy pissing and shitting yourself to notice. Eventually you are alive to see our planet destroyed by solar flares right before the sun goes super nova, but by then almost everyone will be gone from the pollution and the Psychic wars. Isn't immortality grand?


I wish that I could fuck any girl I wanted to- disease free, of course.
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post #71 of 910
12/9/03 at 9:14am
Thread Starter 
Wish granted. You will now never get sick again. You will stay healthy for the rest of your life. Unfortunately, you just got run over by a old lady who couldn't see over the steering wheel. Your dead. Damn, that didn't last long did it?

I wish my farts smelled like grilled steak.
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post #72 of 910
12/9/03 at 4:10pm
Your wish is granted. But your weight and balance are also so flawless that when you go to spin on the top of your head your speed keeps increasing to the point where you begin boring a hole into the floor. You end up several hundred feet down into a subterranean city where people don't break dance. I'm sorry, they cannot use your skill.


I wish I had a Rolex...is it too much to ask?
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post #73 of 910
12/9/03 at 4:11pm
You become an accomplished perormer but during the filming of "Breakdance Fi': Electric Jiggy-Fly" you spin so fast, you achieve escape velocity and launch yourself into the sun.

I wish I had invented the Windows OS.
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post #74 of 910
12/9/03 at 4:24pm
Your wish is granted, but Bill Gates buys the rights for the Windows OS from you for $1.00. The rest is history.

I wish it was Friday evening already.
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post #75 of 910
12/9/03 at 4:26pm
Wish granted, evil elves do your bidding, but only because <clears throat> you agree to "service" them.

I wish it would snow in Houston for Christmas.
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post #76 of 910
12/9/03 at 4:33pm
Quote:
Capt: Wish granted. You are now Steve Jobs: Former CEO of Apple computers and current (at least last time I checked) President of Pixar.
This is bad how?
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post #77 of 910
12/9/03 at 5:09pm
Wish granted. In an effort to prove your worth with the boomerang, you put out an open challenge to anyone who wishes to test you. The one and only response you get is from Paul Hogan, seeking media exposure to help boslter his career. You make quick work of him, but are hunted and killed by Linda Kozlowski in an act of desperate revenge. Congrats.

I wish I was in Dixie.
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post #78 of 910
12/9/03 at 5:27pm
Wish granted. Your new jet ski can not only travel at speeds up to 300 mph, but it can also fire missiles and turn into a helicopter. Unfortunately, you are mistaken for a the last living member of M.A.S.K. and are destroyed by the forces of V.E.N.O.M. with extreme prejudice. The only thing investigators find is your jet ski keychain floating off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago.

I wish I never paid to see "Weekend At Bernies 2" in the theaters.
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post #79 of 910
12/9/03 at 6:11pm
Wish granted. Instead, you saw Rookie of the Year, where you were coughed on by a sniffling wheezing eight year old behind you. You contracted a cold from him which you felt warranted a visit to the doctor. While there you meet a beautiful woman named Gina who you striked up a good conversation with. Whilst conversing with her the nurse comes out to tell you both that the Doctor has had to leave on an emergency. The woman then decides to ask if you would like to join her for an early dinner which you agree to. Afterwards you return to her place for some "extra curricular activity". What you forgot to ask her, though, was why she was at the doctors office. Two days later you discover a blue fungus covering your dick and small creatures building egg sacks in your shrubbery.


I wish I could see Return of the King now.
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post #80 of 910
12/9/03 at 6:21pm
*Hands Evan the book* See there you go, Return of the King. My dogs might have torn out some pages but I'm sure you'll make do.

I wish that The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind will turn out to be a great movie.
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post #81 of 910
12/9/03 at 7:22pm
Your wish is granted, Eternal sunshine of the Spotless Mind becomes a "great movie" in the style of Titanic, Shakespeare in Love and other "great movies" of times past. Have a super time.

I wish that I was Hugh Jackamn, but I decided not to do that one gay musical.
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post #82 of 910
12/9/03 at 8:33pm
Malachi Constant: Ah yes, poor poor Lemmy, It seems that whoever shipped him to you forgot to put airholes in the crate. Look on the bright side, taxidermy can be a fun and exciting hobby.

Little Otik: Umm... well okay. You now have the ablity to stand on your head and annoy roosters with a hair dryer.

I wish I had more will power.
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post #83 of 910
12/10/03 at 1:57am
Wish granted, you are the Devil. ONly problem is you live a life of ETERNAL DAMNATION AND PAIN! Oh, and you are Posh Spice, cause she is definitely the devil. Enjoy your BRITISH ACCENT SUCKER!

I wish I was the Highlander
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post #84 of 910
12/10/03 at 2:07am
Wish granted, but you soon choke on the sandwich, ala Mama Cass. Thats too bad.

I wish I was Little Otik
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post #85 of 910
12/10/03 at 2:09am
Little Otik: Wish granted! By the way, while you're chewing on that, did I put too much arsenic in the tuna or is it just fine?

joker: Your wish is my command! Have fun sucking cocks upside down!

I wish beggars could be choosers.
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post #86 of 910
12/10/03 at 2:12am
Wish granted. The beggars choose to kill you and take your stuff. Harsh.

I wish that I was a ninja.
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post #87 of 910
12/10/03 at 2:18am
Wish granted. As it turns out, I am not that cool, hence my membership to a movie website and making wiseass remarks on a humor post. Have fun.

I wish I could have sex with anyone I wanted at will.
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post #88 of 910
12/10/03 at 3:24am
Your wish is granted! You are now a necromancer, and able to raise the dead & have conversations with them. Problem is, you don't know how to put them back in their graves. Enterprising chap that you are, you soon amass enough dead celebrities to film a final "Cannonball Run" movie, with an all dead cast. You enjoy great celebrity. That is, until they find your "home videos" of you engaging in various "acts" with said celebrities. The newspaper headline reads, simply, "I Fuck Dead People", and you go to jail for the rest of your miserable life.

I wish I could detect any lie, any time.
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post #89 of 910
12/10/03 at 9:01am
Wish granted. But since I misheard you and i thought you said Nail gun I accidentally blasted a nail through your forhead Lethal Weapon 2 style. Whoops, my bad.

I wish, I really wish I could finally eat a monkey!
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post #90 of 910
12/10/03 at 9:24am
Thread Starter 
Wish granted. You eat the entire monkey, tail, fur, balls, everything. In turn, you take on the characteristics of the monkey and at work, you perch high upon your desk and throw your feces at co-workers. At least you make the local news.

I wish I could live in the Star Trek universe and date Counselor Troi.
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post #91 of 910
12/10/03 at 10:12am
Wish granted. But since Troi has the ability to read emotions, she picks up on the fact that you have a strange sexual interest in Warf. To please you, she suggests to Warf that he join the two of you for a threesome and he agrees. While performing his very ritual Klingon love making he accidentally breaks your neck which leaves you paralyzed for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a new computer.
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post #92 of 910
12/10/03 at 1:27pm
Wish granted. Unfortunatly it is a computer from the future, that takes an obscene liking to you. It tries to dictate what television you watch, what music you listen to, and what friends you socialize with. One night you woke up from your slumber and it was standing over you, watching. Just watching. It is starting to realize that you are a bad influence on yourself, and is starting to think that putting you out of your misery is the best thing it can do for you...



I wish that I had big titty bitches breaking down my door to have sex with me.
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post #93 of 910
12/10/03 at 2:06pm
Wish granted! But it's too bad that you were standing right behind the door, reaching over to pick up your favorite Hello Kitty pencil-topper eraser, when they broke it down. And with the combined weight of all of those large bosoms, well, to make a long story short, they slid you edgeways between two barn doors for a coffin.

I wish I could read at a rate of fifty pages per minute.
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post #94 of 910
12/10/03 at 5:02pm
Wish granted. Buddy, Richie, and Big B played on for years. They ran their genre's into the ground and Rock'n Roll became dead. The Beatles, Stones, and many other bands never became popular or even formed a band. Instead, we now all listen to Country music and the delightful sounds of 12 time Grammy award winning artists New Kids on the Block.

I wish I had x-Ray vision.
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post #95 of 910
12/10/03 at 5:42pm
Ingoring repercussion clause due to the fact that it is just stupid, no offense

Wish granted. But what you had not realized about the secret warehouse, was that it was reinforced with lead to prohibit the distinctive radioactive signature of the alien wreckage from leaking out which would alert the other alien ships who are now searching our solar system for their lost scout ship. When you arrive back at your home with the stolen wreckage you turn on your TV to discover that the alien invasion has now begun, and that dozens of major cities are now burning to ashes all do to your neglect and carelessness. The aliens quickly track you down at your home and discover their lost ship. Along side it they also find the dreaded Ark of the Covenant which they take for themselves. Having knowledge far greater than our own, they know of its powers and how to use it. They then set out to destroy the world and all human life.


I wish I had more musical talent than anyone in the world. EVER.
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post #96 of 910
12/10/03 at 7:00pm
Granted. Now all music sucks. Nothing and no one can surpass your mediocre talent. You are knifed to death by an enraged Bob Dylan, who mumbles something about his career.

I wish deep space colonization got underway.
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post #97 of 910
12/10/03 at 10:26pm
Wish granted. However, this enrages the aliens, who look not to the entire human race for revenge, but only you, great wish maker. You are brutally destroyed, and the aliens and humans go on to form an intergalactic alliance before this alliance enrages another set of aliens, who, tracing the problem back to you as the sourse, piss on your grave and bury you with live pigs, which eat you and shit you out before dying themselves. Damn.

I wish that I was Batman.
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post #98 of 910
12/10/03 at 10:46pm
Your wish has been granted. You are now Adam West.

I wish that the Monty Python sketch "the Funnniest Joke in the World" was true.
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post #99 of 910
12/11/03 at 2:17am
Wish granted! But you were so vague I assumed you meant a hovercraft, not some James Bond thingy. Great! You zip all over the lake on your new hovercraft, the likes of which your neighbors have never seen. You zoom up on the beach, by all the hotties, who, duly impressed, wanna take a ride. Suddenly, John Cleese pops up from the cabin declaring something about your hovercraft having eels, which terrifies the entire female populace and they run for their lives. Your reputation precedes you evrywhere you go, and no one wants someone who has "eels". Sorry, back to being shunned & ridiculed!

I wish I could meet all my CHUD compatriots for a beer.
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post #100 of 910
12/11/03 at 9:22am
Thread Starter 
Wish granted. You agree to meet up with Jack at a bar for a drink. What do you drink? Jim Beam

I wish I could write a great novel.
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